SOUTH BEND, Ind.--The Linebacker Lounge, a popular seedy bar located southeast of Notre Dame Stadium, is preparing to host ESPN's popular metrosexual morning sports talk show, "Mike & Mike in the Morning". The show, hosted by Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, rolls into South Bend Friday morning, certainly on the shoulders of some influence from Golic, a former Notre Dame football player. And the piano sounds like a carnival! And the microphone smells like a beer! HLS was lucky enough to ...
Matrix Ranks Wake Forest No. 9, New Coke No. 1
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS--The Colley Matrix, where illusion is reality and nothing is as it seems, released its Week 6 college football rankings, in which Wake Forest checked in at number 9, Rutgers number 10, and Washington number 12. The Matrix was designed by obvious football fanatic Wes Colley (pictured below). Wes Colley: Tie from the Tucker Carlson Collection. Eyebrows from the Chip Caray Collection. Colley earned his Ph.D. in astrophysical sciences from Princeton. We went upstairs ...
Irish to Make 5,000 People Happy, Hundreds of Thousands Pissed
SOUTH BEND, Ind.--Notre Dame officials announced Thursday that they will be selling season tickets to alumni, donors, and others affiliated with the University for the first time in thirty years. Five thousand such tickets will be sold at a cost of approximately $413, plus an annual "fee" of anywhere from $1,250 to $2,000, depending on the location of the ticket. The question Irish alumni are asking themselves is, "Who will have first dibs on the tickets?" It is widely documented that ...
T.O. Spat out of Hell by Devil
HELL--The Devil, tired of dealing with "a bunch of jerks," refused entrance to his Dark Kingdom to controversial Cowboys' wide receiver Terrell Owens. "No way. F@#$ that guy," the Devil said after Owens tried to kill himself Tuesday night by overdosing on painkillers. "He's so full of himself! God, what a douche," the Devil said, while feasting on the entrails of a serial rapist. Any takers down there? No? Owens, afraid that the spotlight had shifted slightly off center from his ...
Smith Calls Weis Liar, Shields Self with Protective Rune
EAST LANSING---Michigan State Spartan football coach John L. Smith snarled as he forced the media to watch the play for the twenty third time before his Monday press conference. "You see? You see? No one slaps Weis! No one! No one is even close!" Smith sprang from his chair excitedly, "His head moves back and to the left! Back and to the left! Back and to the left! My players are all right-handed!" The play which riled up the diminutive Smith occurred last Saturday in the Spartans' ...
HLS Drops Ball, Fails to Mock Clarett
COLUMBUS, OHIO---It has been more than four days since former Ohio State running back and future ESPN studio analyst Maurice Clarett pled guilty to aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon, the punishment for which will be at least three and a half years in prison. Yet at the internet site, Her Loyal Sons, which covers college football from a Notre Dame viewpoint, not a single article about Clarett could be found. Model citizen Maurice Clarett shows off his new uniform. "Well, I ...
True Meaning of Revenge
If last year's flag-planting incident has failed to incite the Notre Dame football team to near-riotous levels of bloodlust, perhaps they should read this article. If you're like me, you're way too lazy to click that link, so let me sum it up. A drunk Chinese tourist climbed into the panda pen at the Beijing Zoo because he wanted to touch Gu Gu, a six-year-old male panda bear. When he got closer and Gu Gu didn't react, he decided to hug him. Now, the following is a list of animals with "bear" ...
GM to Unveil New Series of Notre Dame Wheaties Boxes
SOUTH BEND—Due to the high volume of sales of the Notre Dame-themed Wheaties box, General Mills has decided to release a Notre Dame-themed series of the popular orange boxes best known for immortalizing prominent figures in sports history. “We wanted to do something a little bit different and step away from the sports motif a little bit,†GM spokesman Tom Addle said. “We also saw the crazy number of boxes we sold by slapping Notre Dame on the front of them. Did you know I once sold ...
Ann Arbor “Just a Friendly Person”
ANN ARBOR--Long a target of fans of opposing teams, Ann Arbor has heard it all. Tales of Arbor's sexual promiscuity have often inspired slogans and t-shirts containing popular phrases like "Ann Arbor is a Whore" or "Whats the difference between Ann Arbor and a porcupine? There are 100,000 pricks on the inside of Ann Arbor." "I just want to be left alone," Arbor said. "Yes, I've done some things and some people in the past I'm not proud of, but haven't we all? And that second joke isn't ...
Bad Kermit Talks About In-Stadium Experience, Pisses off Friends
CHICAGO---Bad Kermit, poster at the wildly popular website, Herloyalsons.com, angered his peers Sunday by regaling them with stories about his experience in Notre Dame Stadium during the Notre Dame-Penn State game Saturday in South Bend. The Fighting Irish laid a 41-17 pounding on the Nittany Lions, each point of which was watched by Kermit from the 35-yard line of the beautiful confines of Notre Dame Stadium. "I got lucky. I won Southern Cal tickets, my boss really wanted Southern Cal ...