NAPERVILLE, Ill.--Forced to attend a wedding, and with the Notre Dame game being shown on channel "H," I had no choice but to listen to a friend's recap of the radio broadcast of the Notre Dame-Air Force game for my weekly Notre Dame football fix. Here are my impressions of my friend's impressions of Don Criqui and Allen Pinkett's impressions. The Fighting Irish may or may not have scored really early in the game. It took them either 54 seconds to go 80 yards on 2 plays, or perhaps it took ...
North Carolina “Still Cashing in on that Michael Jordan Thing”
SOUTH BEND, Ind.--HLS caught up with North Carolina head football coach John Bunting, seeking comment about the upcoming Notre Dame-North Carolina matchup. When asked about the traditions among the two schools, Bunting said, "When you have a history of two traditional powerhouses matching up like this, it's exciting for everyone. You look back at Notre Dame's history, and you have the Four Horsemen, the 10-10 tie with Michigan State, the green jerseys, breaking Oklahoma's winning streak, ...
Nut Sacked!
EAST LANSING, Mich.--It's official. Spartan football coach John The Smith will not be retained after the 2006 season. It's over, Johnny. In honor of his great legacy and in preparation of his impending unemployment, HLS has compiled the following list of jobs which might be more suitable for a man of Smith's abilities: Howard Dean campaign manager Assist in the completion of Crazy Horse Memorial in South Dakota Intern: Bethlem Royal Hospital Backup singer for Gnarls ...
Spartans Call Press Conference to Consider Hiring Head Football Coach
EAST LANSING, Mich.--Jahn El Smythe's days in East Lansing may be numbered. And that number may be one. Michigan State has called a press conference to take place at 1:30 p.m. EST to "discuss the coaching situation." Possible coaching topics for the press conference were revealed exclusively to HLS. John L. Smith or Tom Cruise: Whose Issues are Bigger? Stumbling Upon Your Ass: Things to do When Looking for a Hole in the Ground Protecting the 50-Yard Line: The 35-Yard Line of ...
I Go to UCF for the Articles
Playboy is coming to UCF, and if it doesn't use this guy in at least one of the UCF girls' spreads in the upcoming "Girls of Conference USA" pictorial, Hef has really lost it. Bonus points for having a girl named "Watwood" quoted in the article. Watwood? 'Dis wood! ...
Coincidence? Schembechler Ill While Taping Show; Kermit Ill While Watching Michigan Game
DETROIT--Legendary in his own mind former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler became ill while taping a weekly television show about college football. "Serves him right," HLS poster Bad Kermit said. "I got f@#$ing ill watching the f@#$ing Michigan-Notre Dame game this year. I hope that whole f@#$ing state gets the f@#$ing flu," Kermit cursed. When Kermit was reminded that Schembechler has had two quadruple bypass heart surgeries, Kermit said, "So? I'm surprised that f@#$er even has a heart. ...
Dartmouth Apologizes for Brawl; Fans Ask, “What Brawl?”
The Dartmouth athletic department apologized for the fight that broke out between the Dartmouth Big Green and the Holy Cross Crusader football teams last Saturday. When told about the incident, college football fans everywhere asked several questions, in some variation of the following order: "Brawl? You mean Miami? What? Dartmouth? What brawl? Holy Cross? Are you serious?" After Holy Cross won the game in overtime, several of its players celebrated the victory on the "D" painted on ...
Dennis Green Poops Pants, Forced to Talk About It
GLENDALE, Ariz.--While Bears fans Monday night might have been disappointed that they did not see the abrupt end of Matt Leinart's career, they were certainly delighted to see the Bears escape University of Phoenix stadium with a win and 12 credits toward their M.S. in Nursing and Health Care Administration. Some questionable playcalling by the Cardinals allowed the undefeated Bears to overcome a 23-3 third-quarter deficit and beat the Cardinals 24-23. After the game, Cardinal coach Dennis ...
ND Opponent “Bye” Declared Slightly Less Boring than Purdue
SOUTH BEND, Ind.--During a week without much else to do, the staff at HLS was able to conduct some research regarding Notre Dame's upcoming opponent BYE. The staff learned that BYE is a slightly less boring opponent than Purdue. In the all-time boring opponents rankings, BYE was sandwiched between Purdue and the slightly less boring near-namesake BYU, presumably based solely on the fact that "The Punky QB" Jim McMahon attended BYU. A somewhat boring fan demonstrates BYE's bland ...
Why is this the first I’m hearing about this site?
No time to write anything funny. I need to point out this site, and I need to make mention that Coach Weis was not on it until I put him there. This is a travesty of epic proportions that we must remedy by getting Coach Weis up in the rankings. ...