Sorry Tex, unscheduled rant coming... Excuse me, WHAT THE HELL IS KATIE COURIC DOING? The whole world should be calling her out for the BS she displayed yesterday. Not gonna? Okay then, I will. Thanks Katie, for getting me back into RANT MODE. Don't get me wrong, I actually thought 95% of her interview was decent. It wasn't soft, she asked some tough questions, but those questions deserved to and needed to be asked. For her to look at all professional, and to give Manti a chance to answer ...
Dunce Cone Classic
Man Fakes Mental Retardation for 20 Years by Disguising Self as Heisman Voter
TACOMA, Wash.--Tacoma resident Pete Costello has been pretending for the last twenty years that he is mentally retarded so that his mother could collect disability checks due to his "condition." He and his mother are now being prosecuted for fraud after Social Security workers became suspicious. Costello was able to pull off the ruse for twenty years by casting his annual vote for the NCAA's Heisman Trophy, and lobbying strongly for clearly inferior football players. Costello was ...
Nut Sacked!
EAST LANSING, Mich.--It's official. Spartan football coach John The Smith will not be retained after the 2006 season. It's over, Johnny. In honor of his great legacy and in preparation of his impending unemployment, HLS has compiled the following list of jobs which might be more suitable for a man of Smith's abilities: Howard Dean campaign manager Assist in the completion of Crazy Horse Memorial in South Dakota Intern: Bethlem Royal Hospital Backup singer for Gnarls ...
Spartans Call Press Conference to Consider Hiring Head Football Coach
EAST LANSING, Mich.--Jahn El Smythe's days in East Lansing may be numbered. And that number may be one. Michigan State has called a press conference to take place at 1:30 p.m. EST to "discuss the coaching situation." Possible coaching topics for the press conference were revealed exclusively to HLS. John L. Smith or Tom Cruise: Whose Issues are Bigger? Stumbling Upon Your Ass: Things to do When Looking for a Hole in the Ground Protecting the 50-Yard Line: The 35-Yard Line of ...
Dennis Green Poops Pants, Forced to Talk About It
GLENDALE, Ariz.--While Bears fans Monday night might have been disappointed that they did not see the abrupt end of Matt Leinart's career, they were certainly delighted to see the Bears escape University of Phoenix stadium with a win and 12 credits toward their M.S. in Nursing and Health Care Administration. Some questionable playcalling by the Cardinals allowed the undefeated Bears to overcome a 23-3 third-quarter deficit and beat the Cardinals 24-23. After the game, Cardinal coach Dennis ...
Auburn Gameplan Stolen: HLS Identifies Perp
Apparently a laptop containing the Auburn offensive gameplan was stolen from the team hotel while everyone was celebrating their "beating" of South Carolina. The laptop is valued at - get this - $15,000...I'm guessing the rep that sold that machine made a $13,000 "commission" on the sale. Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville had this to say about the incident: “The police identified him as looking like somebody that they see around the mall all the time,†Tuberville said. “It had nothing ...
T.O. Spat out of Hell by Devil
HELL--The Devil, tired of dealing with "a bunch of jerks," refused entrance to his Dark Kingdom to controversial Cowboys' wide receiver Terrell Owens. "No way. F@#$ that guy," the Devil said after Owens tried to kill himself Tuesday night by overdosing on painkillers. "He's so full of himself! God, what a douche," the Devil said, while feasting on the entrails of a serial rapist. Any takers down there? No? Owens, afraid that the spotlight had shifted slightly off center from his ...
HLS Drops Ball, Fails to Mock Clarett
COLUMBUS, OHIO---It has been more than four days since former Ohio State running back and future ESPN studio analyst Maurice Clarett pled guilty to aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon, the punishment for which will be at least three and a half years in prison. Yet at the internet site, Her Loyal Sons, which covers college football from a Notre Dame viewpoint, not a single article about Clarett could be found. Model citizen Maurice Clarett shows off his new uniform. "Well, I ...
Megaphone Trophy Spotted
HLS spies deep within East Lansing have managed to return a picture of MSU's beloved Megaphone Trophy: It should now be quite obvious to everyone why the Irish did not bring the trophey to last years game (that shade of pink clashes with our gold helmets of course). ...
True Meaning of Revenge
If last year's flag-planting incident has failed to incite the Notre Dame football team to near-riotous levels of bloodlust, perhaps they should read this article. If you're like me, you're way too lazy to click that link, so let me sum it up. A drunk Chinese tourist climbed into the panda pen at the Beijing Zoo because he wanted to touch Gu Gu, a six-year-old male panda bear. When he got closer and Gu Gu didn't react, he decided to hug him. Now, the following is a list of animals with "bear" ...