EAST LANSING—Michigan State Spartan football coach John L. Smith snarled as he forced the media to watch the play for the twenty third time before his Monday press conference. “You see? You see? No one slaps Weis! No one! No one is even close!” Smith sprang from his chair excitedly, “His head moves back and to the left! Back and to the left! Back and to the left! My players are all right-handed!”
The play which riled up the diminutive Smith occurred last Saturday in the Spartans’ loss to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. The officials called a questionable late hit on Spartan quarterback Drew Stanton as he was heading toward the sidelines in front of the Notre Dame bench. The hit sparked a physical altercation between several of the Spartan players and the Irish players. During the melee, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis was struck in the face by one of the players, and Weis informed the officials that he had been hit.
After the game, Weis clarified that he was not accusing the Spartan players of hitting him, and even suggested that the blow may have been “friendly fire.” But Weis’s words did not stop the ravings of the madman.
“He’s a liar!” Smith bellowed at the media, two days after the game and one day after Weis made it very clear that he was unsure whether it was a Spartan or an Irish player who hit him. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! The ‘hit’ could have been a gust of wind or a piece of shrapnel! Who’s to say it wasn’t a ghost? It could have been a ghost! The ghost of Ara Parseghian!” Smith frothed. When Smith was informed that Parseghian was still, in fact, alive, he had no comment.
The last thing that Smith said before leaving the podium for his Monday press conference was, “That Charlie Weis is a liar! I’m glad Lucy always pulled the ball away from him before he could kick it!”
After Smith’s press conference, a persistent reporter from HLS caught up with Smith in the parking lot as he donned a flowing purple robe and whispered incantations to a small rock containing ancient runic markings. When Smith was questioned about his actions, he traced a large circle around himself in the parking lot pavement with the rune. Smith then sat cross-legged in the center of the circle, muttering.
Smith finally explained to HLS, “I don’t want Weis coming after me, so I learned this trick from Aradia,” Smith said, smearing pig blood on his face. “Weis won’t be able to touch me when I’m in here.”
When informed of Smith’s spell, Weis said, “Wait. He did what now?”
- The 2009 Notre Dame Season Recap: An Exospective - January 5, 2010
- BREAKING:Biscuit Okay, Not Thrilled with Weis’ Return - December 4, 2008
- Dillon Panthers Coverage: Episode 2 “Bad Ideas” - October 22, 2007
I wish I could make this one float at the top for a while. That’s awesome.