SOUTH BEND, Ind.–During a week without much else to do, the staff at HLS was able to conduct some research regarding Notre Dame’s upcoming opponent BYE. The staff learned that BYE is a slightly less boring opponent than Purdue. In the all-time boring opponents rankings, BYE was sandwiched between Purdue and the slightly less boring near-namesake BYU, presumably based solely on the fact that “The Punky QB” Jim McMahon attended BYU.
A somewhat boring fan demonstrates BYE’s bland signature cheer.
The Purdue athletic department, after learning of the ranking, moved to modify the helmets of the Purdue football team. Beginning next year, the helmets, which traditionally have a black “P” on the side, will sport a black “Zzzzz”.
Purdue’s athletic director Morgan Burke explained the change. “We felt that we should be true to the image most people hold regarding Purdue University football,” Burke said, stifling a yawn. “A lot of people just don’t find the historic traditon of Purdue football that interesting. For example, did you know that in 1942-” Burke continued, nodding off before he could finish his thought.
In a interesting marketing move by the athletic department, Purdue’s home games will also be sponsored in part by No-Doz. Fans will receive a box of the pills upon entry to the game, which they will be encouraged to use accordingly.
No-Doz: Safe as coffee when you’re bored as hell.
There will also be a twenty-minute break inserted after the third quarter, during which fans are encouraged to take a power nap. Blankets and pillows will be available at the Purdue concession stands. Purdue’s marketing plans are expected to go largely unnoticed.
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