The football players, some hall staff, and a few other students are already here. In one week the freshmen arrive, followed shortly by the rest of the undergraduates. Here’s a back-to-school list of supplies to have on hand for the coming year.
Football Players
You should have settled in by now, and the Guglielmino Merchandise Emporium will outfit you with everything from shorts to shoes to plenty of uniforms (which seem to increase in number and variety every year…blue, gold, white, green, chrome, pink). It might be nice if the Guglielmino Equipment Warehouse could also find one of those gauntlet sleds that works both forward and backward; but if not, we can get the Engineers to design one, or the Theologians to borrow one from the Spanish Inquisition. You’ll also need:
Lots of music and something on which to play it very loud directly into your ears. Even when you get to 12-0 (and you will) there’s still quite a bit of unpleasant noise and chatter you’ll want to drown out.
A considerate roommate or friend who knows how to play a mean game of Gin-Rummy or Hearts. Between classes and practices and games, you’ll need the constructive distraction. Just don’t gamble for money – use something of absolutely no value, like Dining Hall fish sticks.
A Rosary. Catholic lads, you know it’s always good to be on the Coach’s good side. Well, you’d better be on the boss’s good side to; and around these parts, that’s The BVM. Non-Catholic lads, keep a Rosary in your pocket, and when you get yourself into a bit of trouble with an angry Rector, just casually pull it out and your troubles will melt away into a friendly pat on the shoulder (this works for Catholic lads, too).
The kind of determination to run into a gauntlet sled that you know to be backwards, simply because you were ordered to, and still move the thing a foot-and-a-half forward. You will only find this in the depths of your heart and soul.
Freshmen
You will invariably show up with far too much stuff. Send about 1/3 of it home. It will be hard enough living in your shoebox with another human, much less with both of you wedged in there surrounded by all your earthly possessions like a dead Egyptian king. But keep these:
A weeping towel. Whether from joy, laughter, anger, frustration, or sorrow, it happens freshman year. Deal with it privately and clean yourself up.
An iron constitution. Just wait until you start eating three squares a day in the Dining Hall. Or drinking the cheapest canned swill available locally. Or eating at one of those all-night troughs in South Bend after filling up on cheap canned swill. Learn to choke it all down and keep it down, because neither your Rector nor the other residents of your section want to see it again late Saturday night/early Sunday morning.
The physical stamina to be a morning person. Because whether you have to be up or not, you’ll be wide awake every day when that ROTC guy down the hall and the architecture major next door rise at 5:00 to get a head-start on the day…and have a full volume conversation in the hallway, in the bathroom, and directly outside your door. You’ll also be wide awake at 7:00 on Saturdays, when the Victory March blasts at full volume from two doors down…over and over and over again.
Patience in abundant supply. This life will be very different from your last 18 years. So keep a Rosary, too.
Upperclassmen
Kindness in abundant supply. Be nice to your new brothers and sisters, the freshmen. This isn’t easy for them, so don’t make it harder
Everything – whatever that was – that you brought to every single game last season. Just like getting an A on a paper, the next one you write is that much harder. No resting, no complacency, no cockiness. You bring your A games to all the games. No questions.
A handsome business suit. It’s never too early to start the process of getting that good job…especially if you want to be able to afford alumni-priced football tickets. Besides, you’ll need to dress soberly when you appear in front of angry administrators. We all know that, after a year of learning the ropes, you always push the limits a little too far. And on that note, keep a Rosary, too.
Lots of interesting wall hangings and other decorations. Now that you’ve moved up from the mail-slot rooms of freshman year, decorate you vastly increased space with taste and decorum. Nothing is more crass than using beer boxes to spell out vulgarities on your walls. And nothing will land you in front of that angry administrator faster than getting caught stealing a campus sign (especially if it says “Corby” “Basilica” “Jenkins” or “Hesburgh”).
Alumni and Fans
Yes, you’re coming back, too. So be prepared with the following:
Something light, attractive, and plastic. It’s football season. You will be rained upon at least once. It may be a torrential, Biblical downpour – or just a grey, persistent drizzle. But you might as well have something on hand a little more dignified than a 50-gallon garbage bag. You’re alumni now, not Zahm streakers.
A strong heart. You’re a little older now, and the ticker may not be what it once was. You saw what last season was like, so do your cardio exercises. No one wants you leaving the Stadium boots first. Bring that Rosary just in case.
Phantom whistles. If these really exist, then they theoretically worked once. So to be safe, have the essence of one with you at all metaphysical times.
But whatever you do, don’t bring bags.
EFS CSC
Son, in 199 years of religious study, I have only come up with two hard, incontrovertible facts: There is a God, and I'm pretty tight with Him.
Now I’m going to tell you a whole lot of things I’ve kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew me. I was along before your time, but you all know what a tradition I am at Notre Dame. And one of the most important things I ever said was, “Friends, sometime when my University is up against it and the breaks are beating the students, tell them to go out there with all they’ve got and win at everything for Padre. I don’t know exactly where I’ll be then, friends,” I said, “but I’ll be looking right over your shoulder.”
- Good Fridays w/Padre: WORTHY! - November 30, 2018
- Good Fridays w/Padre: The Horror - October 26, 2018
- Good Fridays w/Padre: BALLS! - September 7, 2018
Man this makes me remember my own Freshman experience. Albeit at a smaller Texas school, I sure recall my first year and bringing waaay too damn much to fit in the port-a-potty that I had to live in for a year.
…and even though it was a secular college, I wish Id had the forethought to always be carrying(a rosary)
The rooms may be small, but we don’t actually make students live in anything resembling a portable bathroom (except the lads in Morrissey). However, our early semester heat is much similar to Texas, though with the addition of tropical humidity. Hence, it’s best not to bring too many possessions, since your freshman year room will already be a tiny sweat-lodge without all the extra materials to trap in the heat. At least our freshmen don’t get fat.
As for the Rosary, it’s never a bad idea to have, whether at Notre Dame or anywhere in the secular world. When you think of the unquenchable fires of hell, imagine your Rosary as a spiritual fire extinguisher. And no, even Notre Dame in August is not as hot as hell (though you will hear that occasionally said in exasperation).
What do you mean, Architecture major up at 5:00am? Don’t you mean stumbling into bed?
A hall’s life runs on an interesting clock. The ROTC fellows, engineers, swimmers, and various other athletes are up with or before the sun. The Arts & Letters and Business majors arise by noon so as not to miss lunch. The architects come home late from drafting, though they are quiet. The Arts & Letters and Business majors come home later from “colloquiums” and “networking,” though they are anything but quiet…or coordinated, or physically well. And, of course, early in the semester, when good intentions abound, everyone is awake for the first class call and even breakfast at the same time. This makes bathing a speed sport, with three lads in the showers and 30 lined up outside yelling for them to hurry up.
As a business major, I approve of this assessment
Whatever Business Majors do, they do it successfully. Which is good, because Grotto candles and votive Masses don’t bring in the cash like they used to, and someone’s got to keep this place afloat.
Please tell me you’re going to be doing this every Friday.
Do fat squirrels eat outside the Dining Hall? “Good Fridays” is my regular assignment, and short of an emergency Novena or a catastrophic Main Building fire, you can count on a weekly installment.