Are you looking for a “backup team” to root for now that college football season is, for all intents and purposes, over? Well, I hope you’re turning your televisions on Friday nights to the best show that no one is watching, Friday Night Lights. If you’re not watching, never fear. I’m here to provide you with belated recaps of the comings and goings of the defending Texas state high school champions, the Dillon Panthers.
The first episode, “Last Days of Summer,” aired October 5. Here is the recap:
- Christ, the football team goes everywhere together. They all go hang out at the public pool. Julie, Coach Eric Taylor’s daughter, is a lifeguard at the pool. She’s awfully friendly with some dude they call “The Swede.” I presume it’s because he’s Swedish, but he looks about as Swedish as Ellis Redding looks Irish. He also looks like he could use a shower. Or at least a toothbrush. Matt Saracen, the starting quarterback and Julie’s boyfriend, does not look happy about the Swede moving in on his turf. Oh, and Landry (Saracen’s best friend and Matt Damon’s doppleganger) is going to try out for the team! Julie’s mom, the smoking hot Connie Britton, shows up at the pool very pregnant and then discharges her amniotic fluid into the pool which is, of course, repulsive.
- After serving as quarterbacks coach for several years and then as head coach for one year of the Dillon Panthers football team, Coach Taylor took a job at Texas Methodist University as the quarterbacks coach. Sell out. He left his QB1, Matt Saracen, his daughter, Julie, and his absurdly hot wife (played by Connie Britton) for greener pastures. Little does Coach know that they don’t have grass in Texas. That factoid may or may not be accurate. Anyhow, Coach comes back just in time for the birth of his second kid. I think it was a girl. I expect Connie Britton’s body to be back to uber-hot by episode two. I was a little disappointed that Coach’s first words to the kid were “Welcome to the family,” instead of “Clear eyes, full hearts can’t lose!”
- At the football field, the new coach of the Panthers is Coach Bill “The Tennessee Tyrant” McGregor, and he’s putting the team through the paces as they are at the end of the summer.
- Back at the Taylor house, the baby is home already. It’s a girl, unless they named their son “Grace.” Julie is kind of a bitch now, as she runs out immediately to go flirt with The Swede, and she refuses to clean the house.
- Back at the pool, Tyra Collette (Landry’s love interest) asks Landry to lotion her back. Awesome. Landry’s water breaks, probably. Tyra cut her hair too short, and she really should have that mole looked at, but she’s looking good. Julie makes a date for Thursday night with The Swede. He has a band. Surprise, surprise. He probably also has a MySpace page chock full of emo poetry.
- Lyla Garrity, Dillon’s head cheerleader, has been baptized, and she’s holding it over fullback Tim Riggins’ head, most likely because she’s still feeling guilty for banging Riggins when her boyfriend was paralyzed from the waist down. Riggins had a summer three-way with twins. Lyla prayed. I predict that she will be annoying this season.
- Saracen runs into Coach at the supermarket, and Coach tells him not to stand by and let some Swedish prick steal his girlfriend like Henri did to Woody on Cheers. Maybe not in those exact words, but something like that. Coach gets a call and finds out he has to go back to TMU early. Oh no!
- Back at the pool, some dude who tried to rape Tyra last season is back, stalking her. Nothing good will come of this.
- At the Taylor house, Coach and Julie try to have a heart-to-heart about relationships. In no uncertain terms, Julie lets Coach know that he is no longer in charge of her, since he’s living away from the family. She’s a lot bitchier this season.
- Back at practice, it’s clear that the New Coach doesn’t like Riggins. Probably because he’s hung over and exhausted from banging the New Coach’s wife, daughter, sister, and grandmother. New Coach also doesn’t like Buddy Garritty, Lyla’s dad and owner of a local car dealership, and he kicks him out of his practices. I agree. I don’t like Buddy, either.
- Landry and Saracen run into Julie at the convenience store (the grocery store must have been out of whatever Saracen needed). Matt asks Julie to go to a party Thursday, and that dirty whore lies and says she’s planning on staying in Thursday. She then has a change of heart and agrees to go. She has the worst fake stutter in the history of acting. If she and Saracen had a kid, the kid’s sentences would take months to say.
- At the Garrity house, Lyla makes snarky comments to her mom’s new boyfriend through prayer. Know-it-all.
- Back at the Taylor house, Coach seems to choose the team over his family when he lets Mrs. Taylor know that he has to go back to TMU early. Mrs. Taylor is pissed. Connie Britton finally looks bad, as she has the worst “crying face” I’ve ever seen.
- Coach leaves the house in a huff to go visit Buddy at his dealership. Buddy’s estranged wife shows up with her boyfriend, and Buddy gets into a near-fight with him because he either is in a cult or owns a health food store. Apparently, Buddy is stalking his own family, too. A lot of that going around in Texas, apparently.
- New Coach rides Riggins after practice until he pukes, and Jason Street, the guy whose wang doesn’t work well enough to please Lyla and who is now an assistant coach, suggests that New Coach shouldn’t ride him so hard. New Coach says, “I won’t stand for this! And you won’t stand for anything!” or something like that.
- Back at the Taylor house, it’s date night for Julie, and Coach isn’t happy. Saracen is at the party, filled with bikini-clad women for Riggins and booze for everyone else. Meanwhile, Landry gets invited to Tyra’s house to “investigate a sound in her bush.” Yeah, I understand symbolism.
- Julie shows up at a bar to see The Swede’s band. That dirty whore. Any attraction Julie had to The Swede should have been eliminated the second he started singing. His voice is significantly worse than his facial hair.
- Back at Tyra’s house, Landry is ready to make a move. I thought he was going for boob, and so did the camera. Instead, he rubs her arm. She seems to enjoy it, and then invites Landry to go get food. Do they have refrigerators in Texas, or does everyone just eat directly out of the store?
- Back at The Swede’s bar, his “set” is over, so he comes up and talks to Julie…with his hot girlfriend. BURN! He even high-fives Julie on the way out. You going to finish that egg on your face, Jules? Saracen’s looking pretty good now, isn’t he? Coach comes to pick up Julie and, after his initial fury, consoles her about her confusion between the Saracen and The Swede and tells her she doesn’t need to date Saracen to make her parents happy. Julie doesn’t want her and Saracen to turn into her dad and mom. Basically, it was the “I don’t want your life” speech with 100% less Vanderbeek. Don’t worry, Julie. You’ll never be as hot as Connie Britton.
- Uh oh. Get the water skis ready. Only one episode into the second season, and FNL may have just jumped the shark. Remember that stalker? Well, Landry and Tyra ran into him at the store, and Landry BASHED HIS SKULL IN WITH A PIPE! Then, not unlike the completely-believable plot of I Know What You Did Last Summer, they dumped his body into a river. Yes, one episode into Season Two, and Landry KILLED A GUY. This is high school, folks. Sometimes, you have a hard time finding a date for prom. Sometimes, you get a “D” on a final. Sometimes, you get cut from the basketball team. And sometimes, you’re forced TO KILL A MAN WITH A PIPE FOR THE GIRL YOU LOVE.
- Closing montage time. Landry and Tyra finally have something in common to talk about, the Taylors all seem happy again, the Panthers get their championship rings, and Coach flew back to TMU (directly over the football field). The end. Can we please undo the part where Landry becomes a felon?
Because of Tyra’s short hair, Lyla’s newfound faith annoyingness, and Landry’s homicide, this episode was sub-par by FNL standards.
3.5 out of 5.0 Footballs
I’ll get Episode Two done sometime this week.
- The 2009 Notre Dame Season Recap: An Exospective - January 5, 2010
- BREAKING:Biscuit Okay, Not Thrilled with Weis’ Return - December 4, 2008
- Dillon Panthers Coverage: Episode 2 “Bad Ideas” - October 22, 2007
Aequitas
This is a great show. The only problem is, they’ve cut back on the football this season to make it more appealing to a wider audience. Corporate ba$tards.
Sed
Amazon has the first season for $14.99. Well worth it!
Bad Kermit
Yeah, I bought it, Sed. I was going to try to recap the first season before the 2nd season started. Turns out “fired for chronic absence” isn’t just a buzz phrase people like to throw around.