One thing I have never seen is an ad for Notre Dame football tickets. The day may come, of course, when that will change. It will depend on whether or not the school continues to charge $70 per seat to watch the Irish feast on such morsels as Tulsa and Western Michigan. (Please, God, please let them feast on Tulsa and Western Michigan. Please let them be morsels. Amen.)
As of now, you can go online to the school’s official website and purchase tickets to all but the first two home games. Of course, add on a $5 fee and a $9 order charge to that ticket. I donâ€™t know what those charges are for, exactly, but itâ€™s fine by me, because I poop fourteen-dollar bills. I do. Itâ€™s gross, but I really do. Iâ€™d be happy to mail you one. They work at Wal-Mart only, for some reason.
Stingy rant aside, other schools sometimes do have to hustle a bit to sell-out the old chicken-wire-lined patch of grass they call â€œhome.â€ Purdue, in particular, is a stadium Iâ€™ve been to that reminded me a bit too much of John Steinbeckâ€™s dustbowl. Everything covered in a brown film, people in tattered clothing, limping around all thirsty and shit. Pardon me. I may be thinking of â€œThe Road.â€ Either way, that was Purdue, as I recall it.
Itâ€™s changed since then, apparently, with a $70 million dollar makeover completed seven years ago, and a few years back they tossed up a $1.7 million flat panel over their gigantic faux-fireplace. That way when you fall asleep at the game it can feel a little more like a Double Tree Inn.
Last year, the average attendance in their 62,500 seat stadium was just shy of 50,000, so around one of every five seats lay fallow on a typical game day, gathering up nutrients, sunlight, and restorative energy, awaiting the day when a four hundred pound man dressed as a locomotive engine will take his place in that well-rested seat.
For that reason, from time to time Purdueâ€™s got to bust out the fishnet hosiery and shake it a little bit. Their ticket website offers group discounts, variable pricing dependent on the strength of the opponent, buy-one-get-one-free promotions, reasonable rates on half and halfs, the works. It warms the cockles of my stingy heart. They also produce videos such as this one , which, for the joy that comes with swatting a small childâ€™s jumpshot, we have amateurishly re-dubbed for you here and now.
Purdue: we mock you and we mock your multi-media presentation.
Football is nigh. Amen.