As a fan of a 1-3 football team, this continuous week after week mocking of the opponent begins to feel misguided. With every passing week Iâ€™m beginning to feel more and more like the really, really short bully from The Christmas Story. The one with the tweed cap pulled low over his eyes and the hand-me-down clothes? All of two feet tall, not a tooth left in my mouth, and still picking fights.
If it werenâ€™t Boston College this weekend, if it were say… Army, or Navy, Iâ€™d probably just say screw it to the weekly mocking video. I just donâ€™t have it in me after three straight weeks of disheartening football viewing. But it is Boston College. And I sure hate them. I do. I donâ€™t consider them a rival. I donâ€™t hate them that way. I hate them like I hate parasites. Like a tapeworm. Or a liver fluke. Boston College fans always have trouble with this distinction.
New mascot. At least consider it.
They are the mythical jungle cats who sneak into your dairy pastures at night and suckle your cows until their udders are as dry, dangly and flaccid as Tom Hammondâ€™s dewlap. Such parasites give nothing. They only take. There is no symbiosis there. They are worth nothing in themselves.
I have an intricate heart divided into pockets for love, indifference (inexplicably), and hatred, and in the upper Northwest quadrant of the right atrium there is a slot allotted specifically, and solely, for Boston College.
I mean it.
How much of this is because of David Gordon kicking a field goal to ruin Notre Dameâ€™s perfect season seventeen years ago? A lot. Itâ€™s difficult to think of a more painful moment in the football portion of my life. Thatâ€™s really it for me. The bottom. Whatâ€™s maybe worse, in a way, is the manner in which Boston College fans I have met since that awful day tend to bring it up. Thatâ€™s almost two decades worth of schadenfreude dribbling past me here and there, now and then, for 17 years. That wears on a soul, my friend.
And Iâ€™m ranting, so let me just take some time to expound on the fact that Boston College is never very good. The only joy their fans CAN take from a season is a moment like that, the upset. They hang their only hopes for satisfaction on the fragile coat-rack of other peopleâ€™s suffering. Boston College has never won a national championship. They probably never will. In the past 25 years, Boston College has lost at least three games in every season. Over the past 55 years, theyâ€™ve lost at least two games each season. Theyâ€™ve had some decent teams and some good players, but they havenâ€™t really been great since World War II. When everyone worth playing was out putting his life in the hands of his fellow man, pitting might against might, steel against flesh, out there on the beach in Saipan laying a beatinâ€™ on the goddamned j… Whoa… easy… easy, Grandpa. Here, letâ€™s help you into this chair. Turn on that Andrews Sisters album, dammit! Here. Comb his hair. He loves that. There you go. Theeere you go. Ready for your pill?
So thatâ€™s kind of how I feel about Boston College. I went to their stadium once, ayuh, back in 1998, nigh on 12 years ago. They piped in music and crowd noise. They stomped on their aluminum high school stadium seats. Their fans were abusive. They hung Notre Dame players in effigy in this strange student-housing shambles by the stadium. And Notre Dame beat them with an incredible goal-line stand. And it was sweet. But not as sweet as it would have been for Boston College if the shoe had been on the other foot. Which is really what separates Notre Dame from Boston College. A Notre Dame fan can know pain. A Notre Dame fan has something worth suffering for.
BC’s one of those teams who you can only feel relief after beating. There’s no real joy in it.
A few good reasons to mock Boston College:
1. Theyâ€™re Catholic! Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh wait.
BC President, Father William P. Leahy SJ wows the crowd with an irreverent limerick about a young woman with a fondness for licorice. Jesuits.
2. Theyâ€™re a college, but they still call themselves a University. Because thereâ€™s already a Boston University. And itâ€™s more prestigious..
3. They get Notre Dameâ€™s admissions officeâ€™s sloppy seconds. Thatâ€™s right. I said it. Go buy a ticket on the T and cry about it… while listening to Elliot Smith. As the sun rises.
4. They have a better record than Notre Dame. That doesnâ€™t make sense initially, but they beat a I-AA school 38-20, beat a MAC team, and last week got shut out by an unranked Virginia Tech team that lost to James Madison. Which I always thought was a private high school. Anyone else hear that? Whatever.
If they were dropped from the schedule, I would not miss them.
You know what, maybe Iâ€™ll get more creative next week. For now, Iâ€™ll let their team demean themselves. Here you go:
We mock you.