SOUTH BEND, Indiana — University of Notre Dame President Father. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., has announced today that he intends to transfer from the school, relinquishing his current leadership role.
Recently, Father Jenkins had taken to Twitter to express his displeasure over his diminished role on his Bookstore Basketball team, ironically named “Five Guys Who’d Never Resign the Papacy”. Jenkins had been a supporter of Athletics Director Jack Swarbrick, who is overseeing the transition from the Big East Conference into the Atlantic Coast Conference. This move emboldened a small yet vocal minority of faculty who preferred B1G Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney’s promises of Notre Dame’s fit with the midwestern conference’s self-proclaimed academic superiority. No word yet if Swarbrick plans to gauge Jon Gruden’s interest in this position.
This morning, the Athletics Department email inbox was flooded with opinions on the future of field turf inside Notre Dame Stadium, the perpetual hints of a video board (aka JUMBOTRON!!!1!) for football fans, and the possibility of the school hosting a future Wrestlemania inside its hallowed 80,000-seat arena.
A press conference is scheduled later this afternoon to announce the change. While it is not immediately known who Jenkins’ successor would be, anonymous sources close to the President’s Office confided that Edward A. “Monk” Malloy would assume the mantle of Interim President, President Emeritus. Malloy was University President from 1987-2005, and experts have long lauded his ability as a quality “game manager” and his familiarity with The Notre Dame System (TM). There has been no word on Jenkins’ next professional step, but in the past [industry experts have cited Jenkins’ work on campus gameday atmosphere bears strong resemblance to Wimbledon and/or The Walt Disney Company.
Jenkins’ departure is the latest addition to a troubling flurry of transfers and injuries that have depleted the ranks of football program. Underclassmen quarterback Gunner Kiel and receiver Davonte Neal have departed, while Amir Carlisle and Chase Hounshell sustain injuries that will keep them out of spring practice. Last week, Director of Football Personnel Tim McDonnell took a scouting position with the New York Giants two months after former Media Relations Director Brian Hardin (aka Bob Diaco) left for a similar position with Ball State.
When asked to comment, President Emeritus Rev. Theodore M. Hesburgh chose not to voice his preferences for a successor, but exhorted Brian Kelly to recruit more fullbacks.
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Good stuff, my man. I especially loved the Gruden part.
You joke, but the Wrestlemania thing could be cool. I’d definitely watch it. How about a Winter Classic game at ND between the Blackhawks and the Stars?
That all depends on if the hockey teams would want to wear camouflage uniforms. We have our standards…