Oklahomans like to call us Papists. I don’t really have a problem with it. After all, what are they supposed to call us – Druids? But it’s clear they mean to use “Papists” as a derogatory slight against us. Hence, I say we do to their slur exactly what we did to “Fighting Irish” 80-some years ago: We embrace it. Let’s make the Sooners cringe in the face of our Catholicism. And how better to do that than to call on the super-powers of our super-hero Catholics, the Saints. I mean all the bloody, axe to the head, eyeballs on a plate, flensing knife and skin suit in hand cult characters and their peculiar powers.
If you’re traveling to Norman for the weekend, you’ll need to call on…
Anthony of Padua: Travelers
Frances of Rome: Drivers and Cars
Joseph of Cupertino: Pilots and Airplanes
If you’re traveling with the loved ones…
Jeanne Marie of Maille: Problem In-Laws
Eugene of Mazenod: Dysfunctional Families
Ivo of Kermartin: Abandoned Children
If you’re staying in a hotel in Norman…
Zita: Protection from Losing Keys
Ulric: Protection from Rats
Or dining in Norman…
Armand: Bartenders
Lucy of Syracuse: Protection from Dysentery
We ask these Saints to protect our Fighting Irish lads from affliction…
Amalburga: Arm Pain and Bruising
Drogo: Broken Bones
Pancras: Muscle Cramps
Herve: Blurred Vision
Urban of Langres: Concussion and Fainting
John Licci: Head Injuries
Alban of Mainz: Hernias
Roch: Knee injuries
Magnus of Fussen: Caterpillars and Vermin
We ask these Saints to cast upon the Oklahoma Sooners all of their proprietary afflictions…
Killian: Gout
Cadoc of Llancarvan: Glandular Disorders
Fiacre: Hemorrhoids
Fiacre: Syphilis
Peregrine Lazioli: Acne
Elmo: Gas Cramps
George: Herpes
Ubald: Rabies
Benedict: Nettle Rash
If you want protection from…
Bad Weather; Chills; Insect Bites; Horned Animals; Fruit Dealers; or Injury by Artillery…
Eurosia; Basilissa; Narcissus; Guy of Anderlecht; Christopher; Barbara
If you want the power of…
Famine; Pestilence; Destruction; or Death…
Stuhldreher; Miller; Crowley; Leyden
When visiting Norman, you will meet all sorts of folks protected by…
Julian the Hospitaller: Carnival Workers
Honorius of Amiens: Corn Chandlers
Gummarus: Cowherds
Louis: Distillers (moonshine)
Bernardine of Siena: Compulsive Gamblers
Lufthild: Hobos and Tramps
Anne: Used Clothing Dealers
Benedict: Pothole Fillers
Margaret of Cortona: Reformed Prostitutes
Germaine Cousin: Unattractive People
Hilary of Poitiers: Backward Children
Sitting in the Notre Dame student section, you’ll be close to people protected by…
Agnes of Rome: Girl Scouts
Dominic Savio: Choir Boys
Denis: The Frenzied
Hubert of Liege: Mad Dogs
Urban of Langres: Alcoholics
Sitting in the Notre Dame alumni section, you’ll be close to people protected by…
Luke: Doctors
Thomas More: Lawyers
Mura McFeredach: The Clan O’Neill
Adrian of Nicomedia: Arms Dealers
Urban of Langres: Alcoholics
Since ESPN will be there…
Gabriel: Broadcasters
Bernardine of Siena: Advertisers
Genesius: Clowns
John Nepomucene: Protection from Slander
Hedwig: Victims of Jealousy
During the game…
…Good Coaching – Drausinus: Protection from Enemy Plots
…Good Pass Reception – Venantius: Jumping and Leaping
…Sweep – Florian: Chimney Sweeps
…Button Hook – Louis: Button Makers
…Drop-Back Pass – Barbara: Bomb Technicians
…Good Tackling – Gervase: Haymakers
…Good Kicking – Servatus: Protection from Leg Trouble
…No Interceptions – Leonard of Noblac: Protection from Robbers
…No Sacks – Marina of Antioch: Escape from Devils
…No False Starts – Cornelius: Protection from Twitching
…THE DEFENSE – Guy of Anderlecht: WORK HORSES
If we’re down 7 going into the 4th…
Charles Borromeo: Protection from Ulcers
If we win in the last seconds…
Bibiana: Protection from Hangovers
By the end of the night, the Sooners will be watched over by…
Giles: Patron of the Lame
And the Irish will be tight with…
Drausinus: Patron of Champions and the Invincible
And since the Patroness of Oklahoma is…
Mary, Queen of All Saints…
I think we’ve got this one in the bag.
EFS CSC
Son, in 199 years of religious study, I have only come up with two hard, incontrovertible facts: There is a God, and I'm pretty tight with Him.
Now I’m going to tell you a whole lot of things I’ve kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew me. I was along before your time, but you all know what a tradition I am at Notre Dame. And one of the most important things I ever said was, “Friends, sometime when my University is up against it and the breaks are beating the students, tell them to go out there with all they’ve got and win at everything for Padre. I don’t know exactly where I’ll be then, friends,” I said, “but I’ll be looking right over your shoulder.”
- Good Fridays w/Padre: WORTHY! - November 30, 2018
- Good Fridays w/Padre: The Horror - October 26, 2018
- Good Fridays w/Padre: BALLS! - September 7, 2018
