Oklahomans like to call us Papists. I don’t really have a problem with it. After all, what are they supposed to call us – Druids? But it’s clear they mean to use “Papists” as a derogatory slight against us. Hence, I say we do to their slur exactly what we did to “Fighting Irish” 80-some years ago: We embrace it. Let’s make the Sooners cringe in the face of our Catholicism. And how better to do that than to call on the super-powers of our super-hero Catholics, the Saints. I mean all the bloody, axe to the head, eyeballs on a plate, flensing knife and skin suit in hand cult characters and their peculiar powers.
If you’re traveling to Norman for the weekend, you’ll need to call on…
Anthony of Padua: Travelers
Frances of Rome: Drivers and Cars
Joseph of Cupertino: Pilots and Airplanes
If you’re traveling with the loved ones…
Jeanne Marie of Maille: Problem In-Laws
Eugene of Mazenod: Dysfunctional Families
Ivo of Kermartin: Abandoned Children
If you’re staying in a hotel in Norman…
Zita: Protection from Losing Keys
Ulric: Protection from Rats
Or dining in Norman…
Armand: Bartenders
Lucy of Syracuse: Protection from Dysentery
We ask these Saints to protect our Fighting Irish lads from affliction…
Amalburga: Arm Pain and Bruising
Drogo: Broken Bones
Pancras: Muscle Cramps
Herve: Blurred Vision
Urban of Langres: Concussion and Fainting
John Licci: Head Injuries
Alban of Mainz: Hernias
Roch: Knee injuries
Magnus of Fussen: Caterpillars and Vermin
We ask these Saints to cast upon the Oklahoma Sooners all of their proprietary afflictions…
Killian: Gout
Cadoc of Llancarvan: Glandular Disorders
Fiacre: Hemorrhoids
Fiacre: Syphilis
Peregrine Lazioli: Acne
Elmo: Gas Cramps
George: Herpes
Ubald: Rabies
Benedict: Nettle Rash
If you want protection from…
Bad Weather; Chills; Insect Bites; Horned Animals; Fruit Dealers; or Injury by Artillery…
Eurosia; Basilissa; Narcissus; Guy of Anderlecht; Christopher; Barbara
If you want the power of…
Famine; Pestilence; Destruction; or Death…
Stuhldreher; Miller; Crowley; Leyden
When visiting Norman, you will meet all sorts of folks protected by…
Julian the Hospitaller: Carnival Workers
Honorius of Amiens: Corn Chandlers
Gummarus: Cowherds
Louis: Distillers (moonshine)
Bernardine of Siena: Compulsive Gamblers
Lufthild: Hobos and Tramps
Anne: Used Clothing Dealers
Benedict: Pothole Fillers
Margaret of Cortona: Reformed Prostitutes
Germaine Cousin: Unattractive People
Hilary of Poitiers: Backward Children
Sitting in the Notre Dame student section, you’ll be close to people protected by…
Agnes of Rome: Girl Scouts
Dominic Savio: Choir Boys
Denis: The Frenzied
Hubert of Liege: Mad Dogs
Urban of Langres: Alcoholics
Sitting in the Notre Dame alumni section, you’ll be close to people protected by…
Luke: Doctors
Thomas More: Lawyers
Mura McFeredach: The Clan O’Neill
Adrian of Nicomedia: Arms Dealers
Urban of Langres: Alcoholics
Since ESPN will be there…
Gabriel: Broadcasters
Bernardine of Siena: Advertisers
Genesius: Clowns
John Nepomucene: Protection from Slander
Hedwig: Victims of Jealousy
During the game…
…Good Coaching – Drausinus: Protection from Enemy Plots
…Good Pass Reception – Venantius: Jumping and Leaping
…Sweep – Florian: Chimney Sweeps
…Button Hook – Louis: Button Makers
…Drop-Back Pass – Barbara: Bomb Technicians
…Good Tackling – Gervase: Haymakers
…Good Kicking – Servatus: Protection from Leg Trouble
…No Interceptions – Leonard of Noblac: Protection from Robbers
…No Sacks – Marina of Antioch: Escape from Devils
…No False Starts – Cornelius: Protection from Twitching
…THE DEFENSE – Guy of Anderlecht: WORK HORSES
If we’re down 7 going into the 4th…
Charles Borromeo: Protection from Ulcers
If we win in the last seconds…
Bibiana: Protection from Hangovers
By the end of the night, the Sooners will be watched over by…
Giles: Patron of the Lame
And the Irish will be tight with…
Drausinus: Patron of Champions and the Invincible
And since the Patroness of Oklahoma is…
Mary, Queen of All Saints…
I think we’ve got this one in the bag.
EFS CSC
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