Tomorrow we play another famously faith-based, religiously-affiliated university. As a courtesy to those approaching this game, who might be unfamiliar with Catholicism, I will now provide a brief recitation of its most important aspects in a user-friendly question-and-answer catechism format. For students, reading this counts as part of your Theology requirement. For alumni and fans, this will provide a plenary indulgence (although contributions are still accepted).
Q. Who is God?
A. God is the Creator of heaven and earth, and of all things.
Q. Why did God make us?
A. God made us to know, love, and serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in heaven.
Q. What must we do to save our souls?
A. To save our souls, we must worship God by faith, hope, and charity; we show faith by fervently believing in something, hope by trusting that it will come out for the best, and charity by loving with all our heart – so if you’re an Irish fan, you’re covered.
Q. What is God?
A. God is a spirit infinitely perfect.
Q. Had God a beginning
A. God had no beginning; He always was and He always will be.
Q. Where is God?
A. God is everywhere, but most frequently in a small town in Northern Indiana.
Q. If God is everywhere, why do we not see Him?
A. Sunglasses and a baseball cap.
Q. Does God see us?
A. Yes. He has season tickets.
Q. Does God know all things?
A. Yes. He even knows who the quarterback will be.
Q. Can God do all things?
A. Everything except save the Big 10.
Q. Is God just, holy, and merciful?
A. Yes. Unlike Student Affairs and Residence Life.
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Q. Which are the chief creatures of God?
A. The chief creatures of God are men, the angels, and the Irish.
Q. What are angels?
A. Benefactors who don’t ask for their names to be engraved on their donation.
Q. Who were the first man and woman?
A. Adam and Eve.
Q. Were Adam and Eve innocent when they came from the hand of God?
A. Yes. Just like freshmen.
Q. Did Adam and Eve remain faithful to God?
A. No. They broke parietals.
Q. What befell Adam and Eve on account of their sin?
A. They had to move off campus.
Q. What evil befell us through the disobedience of our first parents?
A. Jesuits.
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Q. What was the Garden of Paradise?
A. The Garden of Paradise was a large and beautiful place prepared for man’s habitation upon earth. It was supplied with every species of plant and animal and with everything that could contribute to man’s happiness. Imagine Notre Dame, located in San Diego, and without squirrels.
Q. What was the tree bearing the forbidden fruit called?
A. The tree bearing the forbidden fruit was called sex – er, I mean “the tree of knowledge of good and evil.”
Q. Do we know the name of any other trees in the garden?
A. Yes. There was Frank and Bob.
Q. What is the sin called which we inherit from our first parents?
A. Original sin – it’s pretty much dirty thoughts, so not all that original
Q. Was any one ever preserved from original sin?
A. The Blessed Virgin Mary – that’s why she’s the boss.
Q. What is venial sin?
A. Taking pleasure in watching the SEC.
Q. What is mortal sin?
A. Taking pleasure in watching Michigan or USC.
Q. Which are the chief sources of sin?
A. Athletic conferences.
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Q. What is grace?
A. Grace is a supernatural gift of God bestowed on us, through the merits of Jesus Christ, for our salvation – like admission to Notre Dame.
Q. What is sanctifying grace?
A. Sanctifying grace is that grace which makes the soul holy and pleasing to God – like playing football for Notre Dame…and winning.
Q. Can you resist the grace of God?
A. Yes. You can go to a state school.
Q. What is the grace of perseverance?
A. Being an Irish fan from 2003-2009.
Q. What is Faith?
A. Knowing that the polls always rank us two points lower than is accurate or fair.
Q. What is Hope?
A. Not being afraid of overtime in the rain.
Q. What is Charity?
A. Permitting ESPN to broadcast in front of the library.
Q. What is the Church?
A. A holy syndicate, a righteous racket.
Q. Who is the visible Head of the Church?
A. The Pope thinks he is, but we all know it’s Ted Hesburgh.
Q. Why did Christ found the Church?
A. To make things easier for us…not so sure it worked.
Q. Are all bound to belong to the Church?
A. Pretty much, yes – and just leave it at that.
Q. Why are Catholics called “Roman?”
A. We sold the naming rights when we were short of cash.
Q. Which are the chief commandments of the Church?
A. The chief commandments of the Church are four:
– Cheer for Old Notre Dame.
– Wake up the echoes cheering her name.
– Send a volley cheer on high.
– Shake down the thunder from the sky.
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Q. What is a Sacrament?
A. A Sacrament is an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace.
Q. How many Sacraments are there?
A. Twelve. Seven at home, and five away.
Q. Is there any other means of obtaining God’s grace than the Sacraments?
A. Yes. That’s why God created NBC.
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Q. What is prayer?
A. Most of the fourth quarter.
Q. Is prayer necessary to salvation?
A. If by salvation, you mean winning – oh hell yes.
Q. At what particular times should we pray?
A. Kickoff, third-and-long, at the change of quarterbacks, and whenever it’s raining.
Q. How should we pray?
A. Shouting, clapping, jumping – pretty much like Charismatics, only without the speaking in tongues.
Q. Which are the prayers most recommended to Us?
A. Notre Dame Our Mother, The Victory March, Hike Notre Dame, Irish Backs, Down the Line.
Q. Are prayers said with distractions of any avail?
A. Only if the distractions are caused or endorsed by the Leprechaun Legion.
Q. Is it a mortal sin not to hear Mass on a Sunday or a holyday?
A. There are more chapels on campus than ashtrays – you have no excuse to miss Mass.
Q. How should we keep the holydays?
A. Purchase season tickets.
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Q. What is fasting?
A. When you miss Dining Hall hours and all you have left in your room are old Grab-‘N-Go bags.
Q. What is abstinence?
A. Talking about food, no animal flesh. Talking about any other flesh, not between midnight and 9:00 in the morning.
Q. Why does the Church command us to fast?
A. Just ‘cuz.
Q. Why does the Church command us to abstain from flesh-meat on Fridays?
A. Because the Dining Hall has to unload that Cod-in-Salsa somehow.
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Q. What is Hell?
A. Ann Arbor, Michigan
Q. What is Purgatory?
A. Purgatory is a state in which those suffer for a time who are guilty of sins, or without having satisfied the punishment due to their sins – see: Notre Dame 2003-2009.
Q. What is Heaven?
A. 6-0 in Notre Dame Stadium
Q. What is a perfection?
A. 12-0 with a bowl victory.
Q. Will our bodies share in the reward of our souls?
A. Depends on how much you drank the night before.
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Q. What was the devil’s name before he fell?
A. Pete Carroll.
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Q. What is man?
A. Man is a creature composed of body and soul, and made in the image and likeness of
God.
Q. Does “man” mean all human beings?
A. “Man” means all human beings, either men or women, boys or girls, but not Michigan State fans.
Q. What is a creature?
A. A Michigan State Fan.
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Q. What is free will?
A. Life’s audibles.
Q. Have brute animals understanding and free will?
A. Not sure – they got themselves to Southern California somehow.
Q. What in animals supplies the place of reason?
A. The Spirit of Troy.
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Q. Does God know all things?
A. Everything except what’s in a Jesuit’s mind.
Q. Can God do all things?
A. Yes. Nothing is impossible for God.
Q. Can God create something so powerful He can’t move it?
A. Yes. God has created several things he can’t move and they all play defense for Notre Dame
Q. What do our guardian Angels do for us?
A. Pray for us, protect and guide us, and serve as hall rectors.
Q. Why did God appoint guardian Angels if He watches over us Himself?
A. God does not want to live in Dillon, Zahm, or Morrissey.
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Q. What are mediums and spiritists?
A. Mediums and spiritists are persons who pretend to converse with spirits. They pretend also to know what is going on. They work for ESPN.
Q. What are fortune tellers?
A. Fortune tellers are imposters who, learning the past, or guessing at it, pretend to know also the future and to be able to reveal it to anyone who pays for the knowledge. Rick Reilly is the king of these witches.
Q. Is it sinful to consult mediums, spiritists, fortune tellers and the like when we do not believe in them, but through mere curiosity to hear what they may say?
A. Not when they only come to campus once every seven years.
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Q. Who is our neighbor?
A. Every human being capable of salvation of every age, country, race, or condition, especially if he needs our help, is our neighbor. So we’re talking about the fans of the opposing team.
Q. Why should we love our neighbor?
A. Because there is always room for one more Notre Dame fan in the world.
EFS CSC
Son, in 199 years of religious study, I have only come up with two hard, incontrovertible facts: There is a God, and I'm pretty tight with Him.
Now I’m going to tell you a whole lot of things I’ve kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew me. I was along before your time, but you all know what a tradition I am at Notre Dame. And one of the most important things I ever said was, “Friends, sometime when my University is up against it and the breaks are beating the students, tell them to go out there with all they’ve got and win at everything for Padre. I don’t know exactly where I’ll be then, friends,” I said, “but I’ll be looking right over your shoulder.”
- Good Fridays w/Padre: WORTHY! - November 30, 2018
- Good Fridays w/Padre: The Horror - October 26, 2018
- Good Fridays w/Padre: BALLS! - September 7, 2018
