In addition to saying mass, hearing confessions, and being an all-around Sacrament Machine, I am also frequently called upon for inspirational words. Remember, I was rallying the spirits of students well before Professor Rockne belted out his tall tale about that booze-hound George Gipp. Now with final examinations about to descend on the campus like the Wrath of God, I shall give some stirring sentiments to all students presently in testing despair.
I will do this with a series of metaphors. I find that drawing comparisons to football can be very useful, just as various campus statues take on greater meaning when given a football-related identity. Who would appreciate Moses holding the Decalogue, were he not signaling first-and-ten? Jesus may be summoning all to come unto him, but clearly he is also performing a dropkick. With all of our Civil War veterans now passed on, Wild Bill Corby is much better remembered calling for a fair catch. And “The Word of Life” is simply not a catchy title–though Touchdown Jesus is only moderately less unedifying. Ted had plans for covering the other sides of the library with more giant mosaics. An enormous BVM was supposed to face campus. God only knows what gauche name the lads would have come up with for Her–Unsportsmanlike Conduct Mary?
At any rate, let’s consider finals like a football game. You are in study days now. That’s like tailgating. Seriously, from what I can tell the only difference between reading days and pregame festivities is that you’re not drinking in the parking lots…as much.
When you arrive at your first test next week, that is the kickoff. If you ace the exam, you will have run the ball back for a touchdown. If you run out of time and can’t answer the last question, you have been tackled by the kicker. If you misspell you name on the cover of the bluebook, you should immediately transfer to USC.
If you do terribly on one exam, that is merely a fumble or an interception–there is still plenty of game left to be played. Get back in there and hold onto the answers this time. If you do terribly on several exams, your only hope is for a catastrophic storm to blow through so you can make one last desperate attempt to get your act together in the second half.
If you pass a test with flying colors and then forget to hand it in to the professor, you have fumbled on the goal line. Transfer to Kansas.
If you read all the wrong material and studied all the wrong notes, you have been blitzed. If the professor told you there wouldn’t be certain material on the exam, and then he puts it on there anyway, you have been clipped. If you are too dimwitted to remember in which classroom the test will be administered, you belong in East Lansing.
When you have taken half of your exams, but still have half to go, rededicate yourself to pushing twice as hard on the last two tests. Listen to “American Pie” played by a brass band, if you think that helps.
When you are down to your very last exam, don’t become complacent and turn in a halfhearted effort at studying. That would be like allowing the other team to kick a last-second field goal (God save us from the Jesuits). Drive hard until the very last second of the very last test. Run that pen out of ink. Break that pencil. Make the proctor wrest the bluebook away from you. Give it your all!
Then, when victory is yours, your classmates can rush the field and carry you in triumph into summer vacation. Soon enough, just as Fall brings a new football season, so too will it bring another academic semester, and you can face the drama, intensity, and madness all over again. But the football season will be great.
Those are my words of inspiration for students preparing for final exams. But what do I know–I never took a single exam at Notre Dame. Hell, I never even graduated from the place. So I suppose you can call my statue “The First Subway Alumnus.” I’m not real clear on the concept of a subway, but it sounds better than an “Underground Alumnus” so we’ll stick with it.
EFS CSC
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