As you’ve probably heard by now, late-Monday afternoon USC officially dismissed Coach Steve Sarkisian. Details about Sarkisian’s conduct continue to come out in rumor form, but that’s neither here nor there. Offensive Coordinator Clay Helton will serve as the interim head coach until an adequate replacement can be found. Several sites, including the World Wide Leader in Click Bait decided to release their “top targets” list for USC. While I won’t link to that piece because I can’t stand even fractions of a penny going to the DraftKings/ESPN war chest, it did inspire us to do our own digging. We here at HLS take blogging journalism deadly serious. When the news came down that USC’s head coaching job was open, we got busy finding out who was really on that coaching candidate list. We immediately pulled Grantland-X from class to hit the message boards, Tinder, Snapchat, and e-mail to cull a list of SC’s candidates. Grantland-X questioned why this had to start in the middle of class, but Bayou made assurances that classes were no longer necessary – the blogging life is the big time, and it waits for no one.
I don’t want this intro to get too long, so I won’t detail what every staff member did, but rest assured, late tonight (early this morning) the staff reached the official blogging benchmark of post-ability, and we’re now happy to report that this list is at least 80% likely to be accurate. Here is the list of Pat Haden’s top candidates to replace Coach Sarkisian:
1. Nick Saban
2. Urban Meyer
3. Jim Harbaugh
4. Chip Kelly
5.Brian Kelly
6. Lane Kiffin
7. Pete Carroll
8. Jon Gruden
9. Recently retired Steve Spurrier
10. Definitely not Ed Orgeron
11. Will Ferrell
12. Lane Kiffin
13. Brett Bielema
14. Flo from Progressive
15. The Chupacabra
16. Donald Trump
17. Pat Haden’s dry cleaner Mae-Ling who he swears has the best starch judgment in the business and has never cheated him on his change.
18. Bud Kilmer
19. USC legend OJ Simpson if he can secure work release
20. Ty Willingham
21. Lane Kiffin
Stay tuned for more details as the search continues…
Survivor of the Davie, O'Leary, Willingham football eras. Southern. Charming and more often than not the wittiest person at his dinner table (he eats alone quite a bit).
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Hmmm…..Chip Kelly going to USC with all the talent and speed USC gets – that would be scary! I hope he stays in the NFL!
Recent reports have Jake from State Farm as the leading candidate for the job.
This is so good. Excellent insurance for the USC coaching search!
Too bad Jim Harbaugh has the market cornered on, uh, khakis.