We know it’s slow during the offseason, but that doesn’t give Dennis Dodd of CBSSportsline.com any excuses for the piece of fecal matter he’s published on their site (fecal matter gets no link here (unless you count self-referential links, of course)).  Then again, if we’re looking for things that need an excuse, just about everything Dodd has ever done in his entire life needs an excuse of some sort.

Anyway, here’s what Dennis has pulled out of his “hat,” and by “hat” we mean “butt.”  Bold text is my commentary.

As momentous occasions go, it’s not exactly the season finale of 24. In fact, you might just want to go ahead and TiVo it.

Uh, I believe Heroes proved that the season finale of 24 isn’t even the season finale of 24 anymore, Dodd.

The significance of Wednesday’s announcement at Notre Dame won’t be felt until the fall at the earliest, and maybe not even then. But this being ND, half the world will be salivating while the other half will be hating. So Charlie Weis might as well make an event out of it.

Media will be alerted. There might even be a press conference.

The Irish coach is not naming his starting quarterback in May. Nothing like that. Having taken a reasonable time to analyze the situation (39 days since the end of spring practice), he will merely cut the list of candidates from four to two.

Actually, Charlie’s never officially said he would make an announcement today (Wednesday).  He just said it may be sometime at the end of this month.  Stop going to the interns for facts, Dodd.

We’re here to spare you the suspense.

How?  You don’t know shit, Lebowski Dodd.

Freshman Jimmy Clausen and sophomore Demetrius Jones will compete for the job come August. You may now go back to your iPods and barbecue pits.

Where on earth did you come up with this, Dodd?  Seriously.  You may be right, but only by guessing.  It’s my guess too, but the “whispers” to which I listen to (and which are probably much more connected to the program than your “whispers”) are starting to place some doubt in my head – at least about one of the two.

Now onward with the juicy particulars.

Alert!  “Juicy Particulars” is a term used to subconsciously indicate that this is a piece written for the enjoyment of morons/ND haters.

Clausen didn’t grace Notre Dame with his prep All-America talent and enroll a semester early just to be a backup. But Jones didn’t sit around for a year — he didn’t see the field as a freshman — just to back up a prep All-American.

Uh, I’m pretty sure no D1 level talent ever recruited to play football in the history of D1 football has ever gone to a school looking forward to sitting on the bench and playing backup, Dodd.  Way to be insightful, Dodd.  Hey, I hear Christopher Columbus didn’t go sailing just to shipwreck and drown.  Have you heard anything illuminating about that, Dennis?

Let the hostilities begin. [Hostilities?  Competition is now synonymous with “hostility” now, Dennis?  Can we start calling terrorists “big competitors” now, Dennis?] Sorry, junior Evan Sharpley and sophomore Zach Frazer. Here’s some lovely parting gifts. No, really. A transfer might be in order for one of you. You might want to stick around for a while, though, if only to have club seats to the drama. This Clausen-Jones thing could get good. [It could.  It could also be incredibly boring. Know what else could have gotten really good, but turned out to be boring, Dennis?  Spiderman 3.]

Good, as in cat fight good.

Big fan of Cat Fights, Dennis?  Participated in a few back in junior high?

Good, as in a full-blown quarterback controversy.

Yeah, because we all know Charlie Weis is nothing if he’s not wishy-washy.

Clausen has a stage-father dad who proclaimed in March that his son had been throwing with a sore arm since his senior year in high school. That might put Clausen behind Jones, a Chicago kid, who at least has the feet to help Notre Dame survive a brutal early schedule.

Or does it matter, because at the bottom of this boiling pot of Irish stew is mediocrity. Start with the premise, Domers, that your team will not compete for the national championship. Double-digit wins would be a slightly smaller upset.

That’s not an outrageous prediction; it’s a sobering reality. Notre Dame will be 7-5, maybe 8-4. [Ah.  Speaking in absolutes that you know nobody will remember in December.  Brilliant.  You and Ape-boy from ESPN Game Day should hang out.] Not a disgrace but certainly the worst of Weis’ three seasons and certainly a rebuilding year. [Yes.  Very good, Dennis.  Winning 7 or 8 games would be worst than winning 9 or 10 games.  Maybe tomorrow we’ll cover fractions.]

A rebuilding year in which at least one player who has yet to throw a college pass, will be broken in. Has to be broken in.

[Dennis, you are officially a blogger and not a journalist with that para-sentence.]

There might be enough rational fans around to understand that 8-4 with this schedule and these quarterbacks, makes Dec. 28, 2004 seem like a century ago.

That was the date of Tyrone Willingham’s last game.

(Quick disclaimer: Weis won’t tell you this to your face but he expected a rebuilding year in ’07. There was a gap in Willingham’s recruiting that made this season inevitable. Be happy, ND fans, that Weis has a choice to make at quarterback. The guy can recruit, at least offensively.)

[If he wont tell that to “your” face, then how the hell do you know, Dennis?  And what semi-conscious being couldn’t look at our depth chart and figure out the recruiting gap abyss left by Ty Willie?  Those interns come in handy sometimes, eh, Denny?]

There’s Ron Powlus to pass along his Zen. He’s the quarterbacks coach who was once the golden-boy quarterback, the ’90s version of Clausen. Outrageous expectations turned into a 30-17-1 career record, three bowls and two top 20 finishes in five years.

Not bad but not great. Like Jones/Clausen presently, Powlus didn’t have enough to go around him all the time.

“Tradition never graduates” is this season’s catch phrase. Yeah, but so does Brady Quinn. So do three offensive line starters. Out of nowhere, running back Darius Walker foolishly declares for the draft.

Nice grammar, peckerhead.  And how exactly does Darius’ draft stock go up in an expected rebuilding year again?

Let’s ease into this like a good psychiatrist. Lay down on the couch. Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Begin softly humming the Notre Dame Victory March.

You’re anxious about the new starter? Try to forget that the Irish quarterbacks were not impressive in the spring game. To put it politely. Dismiss from your thoughts that four of the first six games are on the road.

Ya mean the spring game where Weis put major emphasis on the running game and pulled in the reigns of the passing game?  That one, Denny?

When the shrink snaps his fingers you will not obsess over a 2-4 start and what it could do to the psyche of toddler quarterbacks.

Are we good? No? Then consider it’s only a few months until tailgating, J äger shots and a parking lot full of experts to help you through this crisis of quarterbacks.

The popular thinking is that Clausen has to start. It’s written into his contract — or something like that. If he doesn’t get the job it could be construed as both an indictment of the kid’s talent and a blow to Weis’ ego.

How’s that, again?  Where would Weis’ ego be getting blown?

There is anecdotal evidence that Jones was the best quarterback on the practice field at times last season. A recent marijuana possession charge (dismissed recently) should not be a factor.

Wanna share some of that anecdotal evidence?  I’ve got some anecdotal evidence that you’re a massive tool.  I’ll show you mine…

As mentioned, Jones’ running ability might be the only thing that keeps the Irish competitive early on. That’s a big advantage playing behind a rebuilding offensive line and with a set of receivers you couldn’t name on a bar bet.

Does Weis really want to trot Clausen out there in the season’s fourth game against a Spartans team jacked up for revenge? Especially after he’s been beaten up by Georgia Tech, Penn State and Michigan?

It took seven games for Brady Quinn to complete half his passes in a game. He won one of his first five starts. Yeah, yeah, different time, different coach. The point is that the great Brady Quinn was once a freshman too.

That’s like saying the Allies could never beat the Nazis because of the way France got steamrolled.

As hyped as he is, Clausen’s sense of entitlement still outstrips his experience. There are whispers that he is simply not as good as advertised. Powlus without a Hummer, in other words.

What whispers, Denny?  Seriously.  You’re truly just making that up b/c you know you’ll never be held accountable.

ND Nation had better pray that the news about Clausen’s arm is overblown, except that it comes from his own father. The Miami Herald reported earlier that bone spurs were involved. Weis has since said his guy is 100 percent.

Again, we’re here to spare you the suspense. Jones will be the starter, but not necessarily the star. Inserting the “experienced” guy allows Weis more time to groom Clausen.

I’m getting exhausted trying to wade through this morass of made up “facts.”  Here’s one of my own: There are whispers that Denny Dodd has a “thing” for pink bunny rabbit slippers.

The schedule softens in the second half meaning that — barring a 4-2 or better start by Jones — Weis can ease Clausen into the starter’s role. Maybe even if Jones starts 4-2 or better.

Yeah, because Charlie’s always the type to look for ways to derail his offense.  4-2 after the start?  Yeah.  Let’s put in a new QB and see if we can struggle to get to the Gator Bowl.

There’s a five-game homestand in October and November that could be the beginning of Clausen’s legend, especially if he beats Boston College and/or USC.

Nothing, though, seems smooth about this situation. Weis made Quinn a star. But Quinn had two years of college football stored in his arm and cerebral cortex. Sharpley is actually the team’s most experienced quarterback (two attempts, seven yards last season), but spent part of the spring playing baseball. Clausen holds the most promise. Jones might deserve the first shot.

No sentient being would ever say that Quinn had 2 years of college football in his cerebral cortex.  The guy was studying under an offensive coordinator with the professional abilities of a three-toed sloth.

But it’s only May. A lot of time for hostilities to form, sides to be chosen Weis vs. media. The public vs. Powlus. Even quarterback vs. quarterback.

Yeah.  We’re all gonna get on Powlus’ case in regard to the quarterback situation with Charlie Weis as Head Coach.  Makes sense.  Yup.

There has to be pouting — doesn’t there? — for whoever doesn’t win the job.

Why?  Why can’t the 3 that don’t start just act like men?  You’ve heard of that concept, haven’t you, Denny?

When it comes to quarterback controversies, tradition never graduates either.

Nobody likes you, Dennis.

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