Man, there are few phrases that so succinctly strike right at the heart of the matter like, “Michigan Sucks.” It’s so simple. So streamlined. So true.
Not only that, but it’s just so all-encompassing. I mean, it’s not just the one “school” that sucks, but pretty much the entire state.
I would try to describe just how much the phrase “Michigan Sucks” actually covers, but since that is such an enormous undertaking, I’ve decided instead to point out the 10 things that are great about Michigan.
And while this may take far less time than pointing out all that does suck about Michigan, this post may take me almost all day to write.
- Detroit – Nobody else wanted Detroit, but Michigan stood up and said, “We’ll take Detroit.” The other states all laughed and wondered what crazy old Michigan was thinking. Reportedly, even Columbus was taken in the draft by Ohio before Detroit got picked up. So for that, Michigan, thanks. That was really neat of you.
- Apples – Mmmmm… Apples.
- Michigan City – Not actually in Michigan, but in Indiana. Still, were it not for Michigan, this city would not have the name “Michigan City”, but perhaps, “City.” And that’s just stupid. Michigan City:making it easy for ND Students to lose their book money at the casino boats at the end of every semester.
- Mittens – The shape of Michigan serves as the template for mitten design the world over.
- The Great Buffer – If it weren’t for Michigan, then Lake Superior, Lake Michigan, and Lake Huron would just combine into one much larger body of water. And then we’d all get into a really heated debate over whether or not that body of water is a lake or a sea. Phew! Disaster averted.
- The Talent Pool – Michigan actually has a large number of very talented football players. Michigan gives Charlie Weis yet another state from which to recruit very talented football players.
- Secret Russian Base – According to a man who walks up and down Michigan Avenue in Chicago, warning us all via sandwich-board technology, there is a secret Russian base hidden deep in the woods of Michigan. I figure, with the cold war over, it can’t hurt to have yet another flavor added to the melting pot that is the United States of America.
- Consistently Overrated in the Pre-Season – The Michigan Football teams is always highly ranked heading into the season relative to their actual abilities. This serves ND in giving us someone to beat and earning a “quality win.” Heck, even Ty beat Michigan 2 of 3 times.
- American Made Cars – Michigan is always giving the automotive world a new product from which their Japanese counterparts can learn and improve upon. If it weren’t for Michigan, we might be driving alternative energy cars today, putting a hurting on global oil interests. Why would we ever want to hurt so many millionaires?
- Pizza – In Michigan, they like their pizza flat, crumbly, and square. This helps the rest of the world know how not to make pizza.
Whew! That was tough! I think I may have been stretching toward the end there (it got a little weak after #3). Good on ya, Michigan!
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Eric D
Nice work. Keep the funny coming.
Bad Kermit
What about those hilarious bumper stickers? “Say ‘Ya’ to the U.P., eh?” Man, I almost drive off the ROAD laughing every time I see one of those!