In some cases, relics are the whole body of the saint.  In most cases, relics are pieces of that body.  Yes, over the years our favorite All-Church players get cut up so that more people can venerate a piece of them.  Think of your crayons as a child: Wasn’t it exciting to break them in half and pretend that you had twice as many!  Same thing here, only the Pope has to approve the chop-shop treatment.

Well, that’s what we’re doing at my University, as the historic grass of the Stadium is butchered like a hog into small strips of green bacon, and then sent around the country for the veneration of the faithful.  I expect there are exulted window-boxes, cherished corners in backyards, and graves graced with this turf.  Still, I find it somewhere between ‘keeping with the Catholic tradition’ and downright creepy.  Why not take the whole field and transplant it somewhere else?  Why run it through the abattoir and give the better pieces to those who covet?

Besides which, the Freemasons who run the bookstore obviously have a hand in this, since anyone who wants a piece of the field must pay for the privilege.  You can’t pay for a true saintly relic.  That’s called simony and you can get excommunicated for it – meaning ‘don’t let the church door hit you in the a** on the way out.’  Isn’t this a bit of Notre Dame simony?  Chopping up something venerable and selling it?  I suppose the plastic toupee with which we will cover the floor of the living-room-that-Rockne-built won’t pay for itself.  But still, it begs the question of what else we will take to pieces and put on the Blue-and-Gold market.

Things We Can Chop Up Like a Medieval Saint (besides the Stadium turf)

The Dining Halls are a treasure trove in and of themselves.  You all steal the flatware and the dishes anyway.  Why not enjoy the trays you put your butts on to slide around on the snow…for a fee.

Then think about South Dining Hall specifically.  Those light-bulbs don’t last forever.  Why not have some of the former illumination you enjoyed over your cod-in-salsa…for a price.

Catholics are brutal on their hymnals (not as bad as Lutherans, but still).  Those dog-eared pages, dirty thumb prints, and tears-of-joy/remorse stains make the nice singing books from Sacred Heart something to remember by.  Extra charge for the ones with chewing gum stuck between the pages.

How about a piece of an Irish Guardsman’s kilt?  Gorgeous tartan, worn through hard-fought contests, danced in.  And they come with a…fragrance…since the lads do not wear skivvies beneath.  Top dollar.

Having a cocktail?  (Do I really need to ask that?)  When you’re having a cocktail, wouldn’t it taste better with a couple of ice chunks from Compton to cool it down?  You pay-up for a bloody piece.

What says “I love you, honey” more than a big bag of dirt from the Eck Baseball Stadium?

You know, those Leprechaun fellas graduate each year…how about a finger.  It was his – but now it can be yours.

And I’ve got the ultimate money-making relic factory: All our trees!  They drop those beautiful Notre Dame leaves!  Every year!  At $5 a leaf…we can rip out South Quad and put down field turf.

Obviously we’ll sell South Quad pieces by the foot…and there’s soooo many feet!

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All in all, I think our 170^th year was pretty good.  Freshmen made it through their first two semesters and are now Sophomores.  Sophomores are now half-way through college.  Juniors are now Seniors.  And Seniors are soon to be part of one of the most exclusive clubs in the world – Alumni.  Just remember Seniors, in this club you have to pay dues regularly and on time, and there really is no limit on how much you can (and should) pay.

One recurring theme I heard on campus throughout the year was, “No Regrets.”  This was sometimes written with As instead of Es in certain places; for this and the Fig Thing, I blame the Englush Depurtmint.  Yet, the sentiment behind a statement like No Regrets is one by which I have always abided.  Don’t get me wrong; you should have remorse and contrition for your sins.  But regrets are ultimately useless and, in the extreme, crippling.  Sure, there are things we all could have done differently: you could have studied more for that test, worked harder, made more friends, and drank less.  I could have put better fire-protection measures in the Main Building.  Still, I do not now nor have I ever regretted the destruction of 1879, for it was an opportunity to build a bigger and better edifice, one capped with a giant golden footstool for the BVM.

Some sick German sociopath once said, “Was ihn nicht umbringt, macht ihn starker,” which means, “What does not kill him makes him stronger.”  Only a German could formulate a noble sentiment like No Regrets in such a crude fashion.  Having had trouble a few years back with a malarial swamp on campus, I can tell you that this is medically true, since the lads who made it were pretty well immune to damn near everything – even Brother Paul’s squirrel-surprise-stew.  Still, for those of you who had a great year, as much as for those of you who had a year that was a little rough-around-the-edges, let me share some sentiments that are a bit less Teutonic and don’t involve killing.

Reflections on No Regrets.

Spend less time sitting with your anxieties and more time running with your hopes.  Whether you have many years ahead of you or just a few, you’re not the one keeping that schedule.  Do everything you can to make your dreams into realities in the present, and always maintain hope in your heart for your future.  But leave the past to rest in peace.  No Regrets.

Spend less time being frustrated by your limitations and more time being inspired by your potential.  You may not be good at a particular position, but you’re on the team for a reason; someone saw great potential in you – so see it in yourself.  You may not be good as an engineer or a philosopher, but Aquinas never built a bridge and Brunel never wrote a Summa.  Marvel at the gifts God has given you and dismiss the frustrations you are imposing on yourself.  No Regrets.

Spend less time pondering how you failed and more time imagining what remains possible for you.  Tests come back with Fs, relationships fall apart, friends turn away, and sometimes you disappoint – both others and yourself.  These are failures.  But they are never the end.  There is always something else, something new, something different that is possible for you.  Look to that shining star as you navigate yourself out of the night of your failure.  But never drop anchor. No Regrets.

If you didn’t have a good year for one or many reasons, don’t worry: You have the capability to make next year not just better, but stellar.  However, that will only happen if you have hope and you believe in yourself and what is possible and how you will make it happen.  No Regrets.

If you had a spectacular year, don’t relent, don’t relax.  It is always possible to do better at everything.  There is no upward limit to your potential, even if it feels like you have done everything right.  That is the deception of complacency.  Keep realizing what you are capable of, and strive to help others realize their own potentials.  No Regrets.

Just look at me!  I wanted to be a missionary in China.  I was sent to America.  I wanted to found a mission for the Potawatomi.  I built a school for…the Irish.  Perhaps, somewhere deep in my heart – especially when it’s 10-below and windy, or 95 and humid – I think I could have found a more favorable location than Northern Indiana.  But this is precisely where my Chinese and missionary dreams ended and where the University of Notre Dame du Lac began.  No Regrets.

Many millennia ago, the Good Book tells us, a man named Lot left his home with divine instructions never to look back.  He obeyed; his wife did not.  She was turned into a pillar of salt.  Now, I’m not saying you will become a saline sculpture.  But never let regret or the fear of failure or the complacency of success turn you into an immobile statue.  Have hope, move forward, live!  With No Regrets.

So enjoy your time at your original homes.  It will be brief, so make the most of it.  Be kind to those of your friends no so blessed as to attend Our University, for they must suffer much.  Be respectful of your little mother, or your Great Mother, the BVM, will have words with you.  And remember: You never really leave Notre Dame, nor does Notre Dame ever leave you.

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So the Leprechaun Legion (that mirabile visu green horde of spirit and pride and love and support and noise and Irishness) has declared tomorrow to be a Green-Out.  While I fear that sounds like a euphemism for some sort of tropical parasite that causes intense gastro-intestinal distress, I fully and completely and whole-heartedly support the “Wearing of the Green.”  This is how we show who we are.  This is how we show Oklahoma and the nation exactly what the soul of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish looks like.

And what is that soul?  It’s courage in the face of any opponent and any odds.  It’s devotion not just to one team or one game, but to the very idea of victory – victory no matter how hard-fought, victory in all aspects of life’s games, victory when and where and how it counts.  Our soul is one of lovely imperfection, for, above and beyond all else, nothing in this world has any business being perfect.  Imperfection, meaning that we can take the hard hits, we can endure the troubles, we can get up from being knocked down…and we have, time and time again over the course of the last 171 years.

Green is our color when we want to celebrate that soul, that spirit, that devotion to overcoming and winning, no matter when, no matter how small the stakes or how daunting the prospects.  We win on the field, we win in the pew, we fight hard and win for each other.  I don’t mean to suggest that The Lord favors us – that would be blasphemous.  But I can assure you all that His Mother has our back.

And I don’t mean that facetiously.  Certainly The BVM doesn’t care specifically about football.  If she did, we would have had the Ephesus Fighting Ephesians.  If The BVM cared specifically about football, she would have flown her house to the Great Plains of Midwestern America, rather than Loreto.  But she didn’t.  She sent me.  And I know, as certainly as water is wet and grass is green, that She does indeed have specific care for each and every one of us – whether it’s our lads in pads, or our chief on the sidelines, or the lowliest freshman in the stands.  I know it.

When we wear the Green tomorrow, we must all know it.  We must cheer and shout and scream and give our Fighting Irish lads all the support and devotion that Green symbolizes.  It is the color of a downtrodden race whom God and His angels seemed to forget for so long.  But that was as nothing to the Irish.  They came to a new country and made it their own.  And that is what we celebrate when we wear the Green.  We celebrate the hope that it took to create a new nation on a new continent.  We celebrate the sweetness of coming from nothing and living hand-to-mouth for as long as it took to make it – and the Irish, and our Irish, have undoubtedly made it.  And we celebrate life.  What is the color of life and living things?  Green.

Bring on Oklahoma!  I fear them not!  We can, and we have, defeated them – not just last year, but when it counted most.  Who but the Irish toppled the Sooners from their legendary, record-breaking winning streak.  We have beaten them, and we will beat them, and Green will be the color not just of their envy, but of our exultation, our spirit, our love for our lads and our University.

Oh, and by the way, the ancient arms of Ireland, the symbol of the people for  half a millennium, is not Green.  It’s blue and gold.

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1879 – A devastating fire rages through Notre Dame’s Main Building.  Young men from the University of Michigan rush to assist the firefighting efforts, by train, horse, and on foot (for they’ve always been extraordinary athletes).  Arriving in the nick of time, the Michigan men douse the flames, saving countless lives, as well as the surrounding campus buildings.  In profound gratitude for this valiant effort, Notre Dame agrees to form a weak and feeble football team for the express purpose of playing the University of Michigan every year in perpetuity, and losing to them each time.

1887 – After years of shameful delays, Notre Dame finally forms a football team and sacrifices its boys to the extraordinary athletes of the University of Michigan squad.  As a consolation, the University of Michigan writes a check to Notre Dame, to pay for the recent “Maizeing” of the dome on the new Main Building.  The Holy Cross Priests perfidiously accept the money, but proceed to call it the Golden Dome.  Holy Double Cross (the only time Gordon Gee was right, if only he knew it).

1909 – Decades of tolerating the biting, scratching, eye-gouging, and hair-pulling of Notre Dame’s weaklings, proved too much for University of Michigan head coach Fielding Yost, ranked #1 and poised to capture his ninth National Championship.  Yost orders his players to hold back, rather than use their extraordinary athletic prowess to hurt the Notre Dame gals boys.  As a result, Michigan loses its first game to Notre Dame.  Out of fear for what his players and fans might do to Notre Dame’s players and fans in 1910, Yost takes the gentlemanly step of suspending the series in the name of sportsmanship.  He could have sought revenge, but he did not, for he was a true victor valiant.

1924 – Ranked #1 and poised to win his 24^th National Championship, Fielding Yost is foiled by an upstart Norwegian named Knute Rockne who had been rejected for admission to the University of Michigan, but still maintained that he went to the more expensive and less prestigious Notre Dame of his own volition.  Rockne, a shameless self-promoter of the P.T. Barnum stripe, had orchestrated a media campaign of Biblical proportions with a complicit national press intent on selling more papers, and had managed (with press collusion) to steal a Rose Bowl berth from Michigan, where he easily defeated a senile Pop Warner and his remarkably unathletic Stanford Indians.

1927 – Ranked #1 and poised to win his 26^th National Championship, Fielding Yost quits as head coach at Michigan, disgusted by the gutter tactics to which the nefarious Norwegian Rockne was now stooping.  Having decided to honor the waves of Irish immigrants helping to build America into a great industrial nation and a world power, Yost was within days of announcing that the University of Michigan football team would be known forever as the O’Wolverines.  In a shameless act of thievery, Rockne (and his accomplice Fr. Matthew Walsh, Congregation of Double Cross), made a hasty preemptive announcement that Notre Dame would henceforth be known as the significantly less-creative Fighting Irish.  Yost could take no more deceit from the impoverished school the University of Michigan had once saved from oblivion, only to have its extraordinary athletes dishonored so high-handedly.  This final act of betrayal would kill the great man…19 years later.

1931 – University of Michigan head coach Harry Kipke, ranked #1 and poised to win the Wolverines’ 27^th National Championship (Congress and President Coolidge had awarded Fielding Yost the 1927 Championship for his “extraordinary contributions to the sport of football and the development of extraordinary athletes,” as well as in recognition of the bitter pill Notre Dame had forced him to swallow) is prepared to renew the Notre Dame-Michigan game, despite the fact that Michigan in all its glory needs no such charity match.  Kipke initiates talks with Knute Rockne, his protégé and dear friend, during which Kipke learns of Rockne’s precipitous decision to entrust his personal safety to air travel.  In tears, Kipke rips up Rockne’s plane ticket and gives him more than enough cash for train fare.  Rockne’s arrogance would be his demise.

1939 – On the first day of September, as the University of Michigan and Notre Dame are about the play their first game in 30 years, on the hallowed turf of the 12-year-old but already historic Michigan Stadium, President Alexander Grant Ruthven is handed a letter by Notre Dame’s Fr. John O’Hara cancelling the game and repudiating all ties with Michigan both now and forever, Amen.  O’Hara had taken the trouble to enclose the letter in a paper satchel full of dog excrement that he also set alight.  This act of treachery was a ripple on a very unstable pond – drawing encouragement from such double-dealing and arch tactics, Germany promptly invaded Poland, initiating the Second World War.  The University of Michigan has ever tried to make amends for its inadvertent role in this extraordinary disaster.  John O’Hara, CDC, was made a Cardinal.

1942 – In the spirit of peace-making, the University of Michigan agrees to play Notre Dame.  The Fighting Irish fall to the extraordinary Wolverine athletes.  Fielding Yost’s sacrifice has been honored, all has been put to rights, a temporary armistice is declared on the Western Front so the Germans and French can listen to the game together on American Armed Forces Radio.  This is a blow stuck for the cause of righteousness and good.

1943 – Ranked #1 and poised to win the University of Michigan’s umpteenth National Championship, head coach Fritz Crisler feels honor-bound to invite the mountebank Frank Leahy to the Big House for a rematch.  Not knowing that Leahy had already struck a backroom deal with the United States Navy to cream the best talent off the top of the swelling ranks of America’s fighting sailors, Crisler sacrificed his extraordinary athletes to Leahy’s longshoremen in the desperate hope that harmony could be achieved with Notre Dame, an institution that the University of Michigan had fostered from its foundation and loved dearly.  Crisler’s dreams were smashed over a cackling Leahy’s Irish knee.  Notre Dame had done it again.

1964 – University of Michigan President Harlan Hatcher has offered the head coaching position to a little-known and rather unsuccessful Armenian man named Ara Parseghian.  This was a gesture toward multiculturalism (of which the University of Michigan was a leader before its time) as well as a handout to a man in need of a job.  Fr. Ted Hesburgh, CDC, sensed that his parent-institution, the University of Michigan, was onto something.  Hesburgh hurried to waylay Parseghain en route  to Ann Arbor, and threatened the salvation of his Lutheran soul if he went to work for the University of Michigan.  (In Hesburgh’s defense, it was all he could do, since no one has more money than the University of Michigan).  As a result, Parseghian went to work for Notre Dame, and promptly cancelled the 1964 game between his saviors from the University of Michigan and the shameful pirates from Notre Dame.  One must ask, how could Notre Dame do such a thing to a fellow Catholic institution like the University of Michigan.

1978 – In a gesture of extraordinary magnanimity, the University of Michigan extends an olive branch to Notre Dame and offers to play the Fighting Irish again.  Notre Dame, having won just seven (7) National Championships in the modern era by playing such unworthy competition as the University of Southern California, Michigan State University, Purdue University, and the University of Pittsburgh, was in desperate need of a powerful rival — an opponent that had captured all of one (1) National Championship in the modern era.  If only some extraordinary team would come forward and lend its credibility and its assistance, Notre Dame might, just might, retain its relevance in college football.  The University of Michigan answered that call for its beloved Notre Dame and the two team have played twice a year ever since…until…

2012 – It should have come as no surprise that, after putting Notre Dame back on its feet in 1978; helping them to their 1988 Championship; granting them their legendary 1989, 1990, and 1993 seasons; willingly losing Davie once, and Willingham and Weis twice each; the University of Michigan would, once again, be betrayed by Notre Dame.  A bag of flaming dog pooh being insufficient for the highfalutin and utterly Machiavellian Jack Swarbrick, he wrapped the rejection letter around the hilt of a stiletto and tried to slip the blade between David Brandon’s ribs.  For shame, Notre Dame!  The University of Michigan will never play you again…until you’re ready to…which is totally cool…you know, whenever you want…just call.

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And we’re playing a group of Owls.*

Who the hell heck picks the Owl as a mascot?  If you want a bird of prey for your team’s totem, fine.  But why would you select the one that sleeps all day, and only emerges after dark to swoop silently in and squeeze mice to death?  The owl is the indolent vampire of the raptor world.  Back in the days of the University farm, we had a barn owl once.  The thing barfed pellets all over the place, and Brother Paul killed it with a rake.

It’s not just that the Owls fail to intimidate me.  It’s that no team plays under the aegis of an animal that stays indoors all day, take advantage of the weak, and throws up regularly…unless they mean to call to mind state school frat boys…or they’re hiding something.  If the French Revolution taught us anything, it’s to be suspicious of everything and to look for conspiracies around every corner.  And so I have done this – and I have discovered the truth.

Behind the fairly comical and innocuous image of the Owl lurks a much more sinister group.  Look at the name of the school, people!  I’ll tell you who they are – they’re the Templars !  Yes, the original dark knights of the dark ages.  You don’t have to read cheap mystery novels to know that the Templars went somewhere.  Many have long suspected the Freemasons.  Others, the Jesuits.  But no, here they are, hiding in plain sight.

And so our Fighting Irish lads must be especially careful tomorrow, as they take on this band of warrior-monks who manipulated the affairs of the world with sword and sorcery.  But here’s how we’ll beat them at their own sordid trickery.

Templar Treasure:  They found it under the Temple of Jerusalem and stashed it somewhere (most likely the Bank of England).  This is as nothing to us, for we present our gold hoard for all to see.  It is the symbol of our success.  And it’s damn hard to steal…unless you’re into mountaineering.  But the Templars will discover to their acute displeasure that we also have a hoard of talent on the field.  Whether it’s our stable of running backs, who can hurdle the opposing line like Kentucky show-horses, or our defensemen who aren’t so much Seven Blocks of Granite, but more like Stone Mountain got up and left Georgia to sit in the middle of Notre Dame Stadium – either way, the Templars will know our that our treasure trove comes in gold helmets.

Templar Relics:  They picked up the Holy Grail in some Jerusalem flea market.  Good for them.  We all know what the Holy Grail of college football is: playing Notre Dame in the Stadium and beating the Irish.  Not happening.  No Holy Grail for this set of Templars.  And none for anyone last season either.  And let’s make that, no Holy Grail for anyone this season.  Go beat the Knights of Malta or Philadelphia Central High School or whomever you usually play.  You’re not walking out of here with the Cup of Christ.

Templar Discoveries:  They might have sailed to the New World sometime after the Vikings but before Columbus.  Well, the only thing the Templars are going to discover tomorrow is a whole new world of hurt after the Irish are done with them.  And they’re supposed to have buried their treasure in the famous Money Pit.  There’s a bright idea, since no one has ever been able to get to the bottom of that giant sink.  These Templars are going to be throwing whatever football talent they may possess down the Kelly-Diaco pit…to which there is no bottom, and from which neither Spartan, nor Trojan, nor Sooner emerges.

Above and beyond all that, let’s keep in mind who sent the Templars to the stake on that famous Friday 13 in 1307 – The Pope.  That’s right, our Big Head Coach in Rome made the call to demolish the original Templars, and that order has already been phoned in to Cardinal Kelly.  So have no fear, Dan Brown readers: the Templars are about to be finished once and for all by the mighty Fighting Irish!

Oh, and by the way, in 1307 the Pope was Clement V…and he was French.  We’ve got this one in the bag.

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* For the record, a group of owls is called a “parliament.”  Go figure.

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“1st. All the Students of this Institution are required to attend the exercises of public worship with punctuality and decorum.”  Lads, ‘sky’s out, thighs out’ might work on the quad, but this is a church.  God’s out…put your damn legs in pants.  And ladies, wear something that looks like a dress, not a bib.  “Catholic Students shall go to Confession every month.”  Especially during football season, 30-odd days of sin is all any Immortal Soul can bear before getting cleaned up.  Your Rector knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you’re awake and what you’re doing…at3:00am.  Get in the box at least once a month.

“2nd. As soon as the bell announces the beginning or end of a College exercise, every one shall repair in silence to that duty to which he is called.”  We struck this one around 1960, on Ted’s advice.  Something called ‘Frisbee’ came up.

“3rd. The time of recreation excepted, silence must be inviolably observed in all places.”  Who was I kidding?  This never really worked…especially after 1887 and a little thing called football.  Stricken.

“4th. Students must show themselves obedient and respectful towards the Professors and Prefects of the Institution — never absenting themselves from the place in which they ought to be, without permission from proper authority.”  I don’t care if it was penny-pitcher night last night.  Get your lazy butts out of bed for class.  And do your bodies a favor and have breakfast a few times before finals week.  We know what happens when you miss a team meeting with Professor Kelly.  Apply the same principle to your eight-in-the-morning seminar.

“5th. Students must carefully avoid every expressions in the least injurious to Religion, their Professors, Prefects or Fellow Students.”  I don’t get anti-discrimination clauses or harassment rules.  This is pretty simple and it’s been my rule for a looooong time: don’t be crude, lewd, or insulting.  Shoot your mouth off and I’ll fill it with a bar of lard-soap.  Or The Lord will strike the living tongue from your skull.  Either way, we’ll have Christian speech here and no other kind (conversation regarding Michigan, USC, and the Freemasons/Jesuits excepted).

“6th. Students are not permitted to visit private rooms.”  You want to know where parietals came from?  Right here!  And give me some credit — I’ve loosened up A LOT on these rules over the years: You can visit private rooms, just not after the witching hour.  And believe you me…there will be ham in the treetops before we give up on parietals, so just deal with it.

“7th. The use of tobacco is forbidden.”  A filthy habit.  I always hated it.  Now that you know it kills — I told you so.

“8th. Intoxicating liquors are absolutely prohibited.”  Stricken for beer, wine, and local hooch, first football season, 1887.  Stricken all together, World War I.

“9th. Compensation for all damage done to the furniture or other property of the College, will be required from the person or persons causing such injury.”  I don’t get Residence Life, or Community Standards, or whatever the Befehl für die Durchsetzung des Verhaltens is called now.  You break it, you either buy me a new one, or learn carpentry FAST.

“10th. No branch of study, once commenced, may be discontinued without permission of the Prefect of Studies.”  I don’t get ‘finding yourself.’  You all have to take Theology and Philosophy.  Now pick a damn major and stick with it.  And be big boys and girls — pick a hard one.

“11th. No one shall leave the University grounds without the permission of the President or Vice President.”  Ted quit checking years ago, and I’m not going to make Johnny Jenkins start up again.  We keep $1,000 cash wrapped in tinfoil in the icebox of Corby Hall’s kitchen.  If we have to bail you out, it better cost a grand or less — and we only do it for you once.

“12th. Any breach of pure morals, either in words or actions, must be reported forthwith to the President or Vice President.”  Face it, with all this new sorcery you call ‘technology,’ the President’s people already know everything you write and say and which side of your bed you sleep on.  You don’t have to report anything anymore…eagle eyes sees all.

“13th. Whether in class or in recreation, when permitted to converse at table, or during their walks, Students should endeavor to improve the purity of their language, and cultivate urbanity of manners.  A few years in College would be profitably employed, if nothing else were learned but to converse and behave with the dignity and propriety of gentlemen.”  Students, please repeat this section of The Code to any Alumnus who’s already three deep into the Scotch.

“14th. No one shall keep in his possession any money, except what he receives weekly from the Treasurer.”  This is pretty much Flex Points, isn’t it?  I was a prophet in my own time…

“15th. On the first Wednesday of every month, ‘Certificates of Good Conduct’ and of ‘Improvement in Class’ are issued by the Faculty to such Students as deserve them.  On either side of the President’s table, and conspicuous to every visitor, are the ‘Tables of Honor,’ presided over by the Vice President and the Prefect of Discipline.  At these are seated twenty-two of the Students whose conduct has been most exemplary during the preceding week.  They are elected by the unanimous vote of the Professors and Prefects.”  We discontinued this when, on the first Thursday of every month, we had 22 badly pummeled bootlickers to care for in the infirmary.

“16th. In winter, on Saturday, at 4 o’clock P.M., the Students must wash their feet.  In summer, this regulation is rendered unnecessary by the rule which requires the Students to bathe, in common, twice a week, in St. Joseph’s Lake.”  And this whole thing has been rendered unnecessary by giving you all luxurious indoor plumbing, including those extravagant showers.  Lads in particular — use those magic rain rooms a couple time a day in the warm weather.  No one likes being around a whiffy Goth.  But don’t completely disregard the idea of a good Lake-bath, especially for the more hirsute of you.  Believe me, with my sick flow and waist-length beard, I can clog a drain like a boss.

“17th. On Sunday and Wednesday mornings, the students must place upon their beds, wrapped up in a bag, their soiled linen of the previous half week.”  Much to the shock, dismay, and ridicule of other colleges and universities, we still do our students’ laundry for them if they want.  It’s because we love…just that simple.

“18th. Stationery, &c., will be delivered to Students.  Every student should have a memorandum book in which to enter all his receipts and expenditures, and his notes for recitation in class, and for conduct during his stay in College.”  Try to be honest with your expenditures.  We all know what ‘Medicine for a Fever’ or ‘Donation to my Brothers’ or ‘investment with a financial Backer’ or ‘$300 of Milwaukee’s Best and plastic-bottle vodka at Blarney Stone’ really mean.

“19th. Students who may have failed to give satisfaction in the Class Room, or who shall have been guilty of misconduct, or breach of rule, will be sent to the Detention Room during the recreations or the promenades, and perform such tasks as shall be assigned to them.”  The Detention Room is an abysmal pit we call Ann Arbor.

“20th.” Stricken.  You’ve got that God-awful music now.

“21st. Senior Students will be permitted to read or study from eight to nine o’clock, P.M.”  Candles used to cost good money, people!  Of course, these days the Seniors only seem to study consumption theory, primitive dance, and biology of a certain sort from eight to nine.

“22nd. Every month, all the Students must write to their parents or guardians, and have their letters corrected by the Secretary of the Faculty, previous to their being mailed.  All letters sent or received may be opened by the President or Vice President.”  Two things to take away from this rule: first, it kept mothers very happy; second, when I was opening letters, there were never any problems with mail from fake girlfriends.

“23rd. When a Student is sick, he will obtain permission from the Prefect of Health, to go to the infirmary, and will observe the regulations of that place until his recovery.”  This used to mean students with Malaria, not the ‘Irish Flu.’

“24th. No book shall be introduced into the College, without being previously examined and approved by the Prefect of Studies.  Objectionable books found in the possession of Students, will be withheld from them until their departure from the University.”  Not long ago, I saw a young lady with a book called ‘50 Shades of Grey.’  I picked up a copy because I though it was about Northern Indiana winter and spring.  Christ on His throne!  IT IS NOT ABOUT NORTHERN INDIANA WINTER AND SPRING!  Because of books like this, we have such a rule.

“N.B. The happiness, no less than the improvement of Students, is so closely connected with the good order and even rigid discipline of the College, that no young gentleman of good sense, who has at heart his own welfare and the accomplishment of his purpose in entering the Institution, can fail to discover the importance of a strict observance of the foregoing Rules.  If the Authorities of the University exhort all to exhibit a sincere and unwavering zeal in keeping these Regulations, they demand of Students nothing more than the promotion of their own interest.”  That’s our story and we’re sticking to it…at least for another century and a half.

EFS CSC

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Another annual installment of the post that made everyone LOVE dancing Leprechauns! AWWWWW YEEEEEEEEAH! Once again I’ll be picking every game before we’ve even seen one, my stellar results will WOW you (one way or another) and we’ll all get to enjoy the leprechaun jig. Sweetness.

My records since we got started are not all that amazing. I’d call it spots of brilliance with some dirt…a little up and down. But whatever, I’m trying to predict each game prior to seeing one! And it’s fun. And the leprechauns RULE. To wit:

07: I said 8-4 with a lean towards 7-5. We were the worst. At least I was a bit pessimistic, but not great. WHOOPS.
08: I said 7-5 with a strong lean to 6-6. Unfortunately I was pretty close. GOOD.
09: Said 10-2. WHOOPS.
10: I said 8-4 with a lean towards 7-5 I pretty much nailed it. GOOD.
11: Good Lord I crushed ’11:

“So I am going with 11-1 as our upside, 10-2 as likely, and 9-3 as our downside this year. BUT, we can win every game. If we get the bounces and we can stay healthy, this is a BCS team. Could be a MNC game team. If all hell breaks loose, we dont get the bounces, we get hurt in key areas, and we slip again on a fake FG in overtime, we finish 8-4.”

I was right about the team, wrong about the bounces big time. GOOD.
12: The exact opposite of ’11. I thought we’d be good but feared the rough schedule and said 8-4, but last year we got ALL the bounces and pleasantly over-performed. WHOOPS

Since I missed it last year, I should be good this year? I think? Anyway…

A reminder of the rating system: THE DANCING LEPRECHAUNS! Here’s the Scale:

This is just as likely to be wrong as it is to be right (aka the BadKermit Effect)

I’ve got a good feeling, but am leaving myself some wiggle room

This is a lock, I am a genius, I cannot be wrong.

So…off we go!

Temple

No more slow starts for Notre Dame. Brian Kelly has this team on a program, and it’s working. 3 years ago ANY first game opponent made me nervous. Now, no more. I will be at this game as well, and the insane home opener 2 years ago sucked up any bad mojo for games at which I am in attendance for about a bajillion years. WHOMPING.

ND Wins 45-6

Supremely confident that BK has this team ready for the opener.

Skunkbears

The terror for ND that was Denard Robinson is over. Shoelaceless is gone, and super experienced and huge ND defensive line across from him. And, not Denard. Repeat, NOT DENARD. There will be no more Skunkbear Antics that give Notre Dame fans insane fits. Yeah, we took Shoelaceless down behind Manti Teo’s 38 interceptions last year, but that was the one time where Denard didn’t make crazy things happen to help ND pull defeat from the jaws of victory. NO MORE. Irish Chocolate and the D will have this thing super low scoring, and while our O will still be finding an identity, it will be enough.

ND Wins 17-10

Two dancers because it’s effing Skunkbears. But feeling good about a win in a slugfest.

Purdue

Aw man, Purdon’t again? It’s just so borzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The joke never gets old, because it’s true. They have the 3rd or 5th biggest drum in the world, a train, and the most boring football program in Amerizzzzzzzzz.

CAFFEINE! Must. Stay. Awake.

Purdue hasn’t made much progress despite giving us a game last year, and Hope doesn’t spring eternal. While I like the hire, it’s a pretty legit rebuild in Laughayette. I don’t see much improving for the SnoreMakers this year, and a W over ND just isn’t in the cards against this defense. The ND offense starts to click in Game 3, and ND runs away with this one, literally.

ND Wins 34-9

The Irish are looking good, off to a strong 3-0 start.

Michigan State

There will be no flag-planting for MSU. With the loss of their entire offense (Bell) and the lack of a clear answer at QB, MSU will rely on a pretty legit defense (despite the loss of Gholston). So you’ll have 2 really solid defenses lining up, and 2 less-great offenses. But ND has an edge in defensive talent with the stellar front line, and an edge on offense due to skill positions and experience at QB. MSU always comes out gunning for the Irish, and this one is Home where, for some reason, the Spartans always play better. I think this will be a nail-biter, as we can’t always play great. ND eeks it out though….

ND Wins 17-14

So up in the air. One Dancer. But we should win this game.

Oklahoma

The Sooners travel to South Bend seeking revenge for a game that no one, including me, predicted. We WHOMPED them in their own house, and revenge will be on their minds. Unfortunately for the Sooners, easier said than done. Their defensive line pretty much graduated, though it wasn’t great. Defense will be a huge question mark, as will QB after 40th year senior Jones finally graduated. Belldozer is big but can’t throw, and the other 2 QBs have thrown pretty much never as well. So a bad defense that lost a lot of experience, and an offense with a lot of talent but no clear answer at QB. Hmmmmm….should be pretty clear-cut right? I don’t think so.

Stoops is a damn good coach, and OK stocks talent. They will sort the offense out by this point in the season, and the talent on the defensive line was experienced but not top-performing. It’s going to be a bruiser. I think ND should be able to win over all, but I’m not super confident.

ND Wins 24 – 17

1 Leprechaun. Calling a win, but this could go either way.

Arizona State

Despite a relatively tough schedule compared to those teams scheduling High School squads, I have ND running 5-0 into the home-game-thats-not-at-home barnstormer at neutral site. Finally, ND has won the uniform battle. But unfortunately, I have to find a hiccup, unexpected loss in the season and I think this is it. ND will be coming off a high with a big, emotional win over OK at home. That game will be a battle, and we could come out a bit dinged up. And every team, at some point, gets caught flat. While ASU doesn’t have the most talent we’ll see, they have a pretty darn good coach and a legit QB in Taylor, and it’ll be a unique opponent for Notre Dame.

ND Drops one to go to 5-1, 24-21.

Just the 1. Obviously calling this out of nowhere.

Southern Cal

Sweet, sweet victory in the Coliseum last year, and after what felt like 40 years in a drought versus U$C and their cheaters, it finally feels like Notre Dame has the edge here again. Sanctions, poo-poo’d a few years ago by SC fans, and the hiring of freaking Lane Kiffin helped push things along in favor of the Irish. But the Trogans aren’t pushovers by any stretch. Still stocked with talent, and still hating Notre Dame every step of the way.

After a lackluster year where they turned the ball over non-stop, and never seemed to really gel as a team, USC should be ready for the Irish to WHOMP. But it won’t be that easy. New QB but a really talented group, with Lee to throw to. A pretty stout defense, especially up front. Not loving how this game feels this far in advance, but ND isn’t going to allow USC to claw their way back into the series. It’s a tight one though, a grinder with little offense for either side…

ND Wins 13-10

Not sure what to expect here. Fully believe that Kiffin sucks. But it’s USC.

Air Force

The lesser of the 2 academies we often play is always a challenge with the Triple Option, and they keep it interesting with special twists and gimmicks week to week. Smaller, but really good at what they do, Air Force racks up serious yardage with Option play, but can’t match up physically. It’ll be a bit of an adjustment for Notre Dame’s stellar defense, and I could see a decent game til half time, but Notre Dame will push through it and pull away in the 2nd half. Air Force just can’t keep up with the size, speed and depth of Notre Dame.

ND wins 37 – 17

3 Leprechauns for the pilots. (And thanks so much for your amazing service to the US of A)

Navy

2 weeks in a row of Option Ball! Well, couldn’t schedule it better, that’s for sure. ND will have 2 full weeks of option preparation before facing Navy this season, and it will help. Navy came on in ND’s down years and this became a game. Last season, things finally (FINALLY!) seemed back to normal with ND really enforcing their will on the men in the middle of the ship. Anchors may be away, but the Irish aren’t. They’re here, and ready to play. No love for the Navy offense this week as the Irish force multiple turnovers and hold Navy to less than 200 yards rushing for the only time all season. While Air Force gives ND a bit of a fit in the first half the week before, this one is in the bag by the time the band takes the field.

ND Wins 30 – 10

3 Leprechauns! No more Navy heriocs when it comes to the Irish. Save it for the battlefield fellas. (And thank you so much for your service, you guys rule)

Pitt

Genac this! As always!

Pitt’s another program that (finally) made a good hire in Chryst. Dude knows what he is doing and while Pitt will never again be a powerhouse, they’ll be competitive. They need to figure out the QB position, but they have a stable of good receivers and a couple raw but talented QBs duking it out. This was the trap game last year that is ASU for us this year. But I don’t think the Irish will let it happen again.

It’s a long season and I could see the Irish needing to rest up and heal up a bit in the 2nd half of the season, but Air Force and Navy should allow for that in the 2nd halves of those games. Pitt won’t sneak up this year.

ND Wins 24-17

2 Leprechauns. Not a landslide, and Pitt always plays their best against us.

BYU

The hornblowers simply can’t match up against Notre Dame’s red-zone defense. They will move the ball but points will be hard to come by. It’s not a gimme by any stretch but we should handle the 1 percenters.

ND Wins 26-17

1 Leprechaun for BYU. Could be one of those that make us nervous

Stanford

The damn tree.

Frankly, I’m impressed by what the post-Harbaugh staff has been able to accomplish at Stanford. Keeping recruiting going, capitalizing on the overall brand of Stanford, and sticking to a plan and executing it well. Last year’s game was one for the ages and I STILL can’t believe we held them. And yes, WE DID FREAKING HOLD THEM. Unbelievable! Still fired up about it!

But this year, Stanford will be a more complete team than Notre Dame. Both defenses will be tough, but the Tree will bring a bit more offensive firepower to the table. They’ll be playing for a BCS berth, so this is pretty much a playoff game. A 1-loss ND team against an undefeated or 1-loss Stanford team? This has BIG GAME written all over it.

Unfortunately, we won’t get those bounces this year. We can’t always get them, and last year we got plenty (after giving them ALL away the year prior). Stanford and ND will be a battle to remember. It will have national implications, and the two ‘smart football schools’ will go at it toe-to-toe. The Irish will have a chance to win it, but I see the Tree pulling this one out in some freakish way, much like ND last year.

ND Loses 24-21

1 Leprechaun – waaaaay up in the air.

Summary

Feeling like a solid 10-2 season for the Irish up front but there’s a high beta this season. 6 games I feel good about but there are a lot of 1-Dancers in here, which means we could have some hiccups along the way. I do tend to correct down so I could see 9-3 in our future as well.

And I think the entire season hinges on whether Tommy Rees 1 or Tommy Rees 2 shows up. If we have a solid, reliable game-manager in Tommy we will be 10-2 as predicted, maybe 11-1. Few errors, make the right reads, protect the ball Tommy leads to a really good BCS season for Notre Dame. If Turnover Tommy or Kick The Cop Tommy comes back? Geez, I don’t even want to think about it, but rather than dancing the leprechauns will be vomiting. 10-2 or 9-3 quickly becomes a middling 7-5 if that happens, but I don’t think it will. We have enough offensive weapons in the backfield and slot to keep some of the pressure off Tommy early in the season, and we ease into the schedule with Temple. The Big Tweleven isn’t particularly scary and they’re a big portion of the early schedule. I think Tommy will settle in, and 10-2 is a realistic result, keeping Irish Eyes smiling in ’13. BUT SCREW IT, LET’S WIN ‘EM ALL!

DANCE LEPRECHAUNS DANCE!!!

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Football Players

You should have settled in by now, and the Guglielmino Merchandise Emporium will outfit you with everything from shorts to shoes to plenty of uniforms (which seem to increase in number and variety every year…blue, gold, white, green, chrome, pink).  It might be nice if the Guglielmino Equipment Warehouse could also find one of those gauntlet sleds that works both forward and backward; but if not, we can get the Engineers to design one, or the Theologians to borrow one from the Spanish Inquisition.  You’ll also need:

Lots of music and something on which to play it very loud directly into your ears.  Even when you get to 12-0 (and you will) there’s still quite a bit of unpleasant noise and chatter you’ll want to drown out.

A considerate roommate or friend who knows how to play a mean game of Gin-Rummy or Hearts.  Between classes and practices and games, you’ll need the constructive distraction.  Just don’t gamble for money – use something of absolutely no value, like Dining Hall fish sticks.

A Rosary.  Catholic lads, you know it’s always good to be on the Coach’s good side.  Well, you’d better be on the boss’s good side to; and around these parts, that’s The BVM.  Non-Catholic lads, keep a Rosary in your pocket, and when you get yourself into a bit of trouble with an angry Rector, just casually pull it out and your troubles will melt away into a friendly pat on the shoulder (this works for Catholic lads, too).

The kind of determination to run into a gauntlet sled that you know to be backwards, simply because you were ordered to, and still move the thing a foot-and-a-half forward.  You will only find this in the depths of your heart and soul.

Freshmen

You will invariably show up with far too much stuff.  Send about 1/3 of it home.  It will be hard enough living in your shoebox with another human, much less with both of you wedged in there surrounded by all your earthly possessions like a dead Egyptian king.  But keep these:

A weeping towel.  Whether from joy, laughter, anger, frustration, or sorrow, it happens freshman year.  Deal with it privately and clean yourself up.

An iron constitution.  Just wait until you start eating three squares a day in the Dining Hall.  Or drinking the cheapest canned swill available locally.  Or eating at one of those all-night troughs in South Bend after filling up on cheap canned swill.  Learn to choke it all down and keep it down, because neither your Rector nor the other residents of your section want to see it again late Saturday night/early Sunday morning.

The physical stamina to be a morning person.  Because whether you have to be up or not, you’ll be wide awake every day when that ROTC guy down the hall and the architecture major next door rise at 5:00 to get a head-start on the day…and have a full volume conversation in the hallway, in the bathroom, and directly outside your door.  You’ll also be wide awake at 7:00 on Saturdays, when the Victory March blasts at full volume from two doors down…over and over and over again.

Patience in abundant supply.  This life will be very different from your last 18 years.  So keep a Rosary, too.

Upperclassmen

Kindness in abundant supply.  Be nice to your new brothers and sisters, the freshmen.  This isn’t easy for them, so don’t make it harder

Everything – whatever that was – that you brought to every single game last season.  Just like getting an A on a paper, the next one you write is that much harder.  No resting, no complacency, no cockiness.  You bring your A games to all the games.  No questions.

A handsome business suit.  It’s never too early to start the process of getting that good job…especially if you want to be able to afford alumni-priced football tickets.  Besides, you’ll need to dress soberly when you appear in front of angry administrators.  We all know that, after a year of learning the ropes, you always push the limits a little too far.  And on that note, keep a Rosary, too.

Lots of interesting wall hangings and other decorations.  Now that you’ve moved up from the mail-slot rooms of freshman year, decorate you vastly increased space with taste and decorum.  Nothing is more crass than using beer boxes to spell out vulgarities on your walls.  And nothing will land you in front of that angry administrator faster than getting caught stealing a campus sign (especially if it says “Corby” “Basilica” “Jenkins” or “Hesburgh”).

Alumni and Fans

Yes, you’re coming back, too.  So be prepared with the following:

Something light, attractive, and plastic.  It’s football season.  You will be rained upon at least once.  It may be a torrential, Biblical downpour – or just a grey, persistent drizzle.  But you might as well have something on hand a little more dignified than a 50-gallon garbage bag.  You’re alumni now, not Zahm streakers.

A strong heart.  You’re a little older now, and the ticker may not be what it once was.  You saw what last season was like, so do your cardio exercises.  No one wants you leaving the Stadium boots first.  Bring that Rosary just in case.

Phantom whistles.  If these really exist, then they theoretically worked once.  So to be safe, have the essence of one with you at all metaphysical times.

But whatever you do, don’t bring bags.

EFS CSC

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1. In his 2005 inaugural address, Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., president of the University of Notre Dame, challenged our community: “We at Notre Dame must have the courage to be who we are. If we are afraid to be different from the world, how can we make a difference in the world?” When you leave Notre Dame, what is one way you will bravely face the world, stay true to your values, and make a difference large or small?

1. In his 1908 Victory March, John F. Shea, alumnus and Massachusetts State Senator, challenged our community: “We will fight in every game, strong of heart and true to Her name.  We will never forget Her, and will cheer Her ever, loyal to Notre Dame.”  When you enter Notre Dame Stadium for a game, how do you understand being strong of heart, despite the opponent’s ranking and the sports writers’ nay-saying; even with the peacock-worshipers’ interminable timeouts, do you appreciate what it means to cheer Her forever (or at least for the whole game including overtimes); and despite your feelings about a particular player, coach, or athletic director, and despite your deep-seated opinions about changes at the University (and changes to the Stadium in particular) have you really and truly learned the virtue of loyalty and do you properly practice it?

2. What is your proudest accomplishment that doesn’t appear on your résumé — an act for which you did not receive a trophy, grade, or other type of outward recognition?

2. What is the single greatest thing you’ve ever done for the Fighting Irish – complete loss of voice and headache for a week, painful leg and buttock cramps after hours of standing, scorching sunburn or pernicious chest cold due to exposure for half a day, smuggling in enough liquor to ‘light up’ your whole section, actually eating a Stadium hotdog and liking it – an act for which you received no outward recognition, but which you know, in your heart, absolutely contributed to an Irish victory that day?

3. Tell us about a time you fell in love… with an academic concept. What excited you about this idea, project, or lesson?

3. We know you fell in love with the Fighting Irish…but what first caused you to experience the phenomenon we call ‘tears of joy’?  Was it when you first watched the Band play the Victory March in the Stadium, or when the gold helmets first poured out of the tunnel, or the first time you charged the field after a last-second victory?  When did those salty trails of pure happiness first stain your face?

4. Why are you interested in attending the University of Notre Dame?

(Seriously…we ask a question like this?  I don’t know if it’s self-serving or obtuse.  Anyway…)

4. Why do you want to attend a Notre Dame home football game?

(The only acceptable answers are “Because I want to witness magic in my life,” or “Because  it’s where Heaven and Earth meet,” or “Because, as a mortal, I know I will die someday, and if God is good, He will take me late in the fourth quarter with the Irish up by two touchdowns.”)

5. By the end of the college application process, you will have probably written dozens of essays and responded to a multitude of questions. Use this opportunity to try something new.

5. By now you are well aware that Notre Dame has been playing football for 126 years, is the last great independent team in the entire sport, has won 13 National Championships, has produced the most Heisman winners and the most All Americans, has been led by six hall-of-fame coaches, went undefeated in the regular season last year while being the first team ever ranked #1 on the field and #1 in graduation rate simultaneously, and with two classic feature films and countless legends is undeniably the most storied team in the country.  Use this opportunity to tell us how you, personally, as a fan in the Stadium, are going to make this litany of success just a little bit better this year by your efforts.

EFS CSC

The post Good Fridays w/Padre: ND SA appeared first on Her Loyal Sons.

Kelly said, “I need somebody willing to get up at dawn, run, lift weights, work all day in the classroom, practice again and again, eat supper and then go to the library and stay past midnight at a meeting of his study group.”  So Kelly named a starter.

“I need somebody with an arm strong enough to pass for 3,977 yards and yet gentle enough to pat his own replacement on the back and wish him well.  Somebody to call plays, face down hell-bent defensemen, pull out a victory, have to listen as journalists and fans alike tell him how terribly he did and assure them all that he’ll be ready next Saturday – and mean it.”  So Kelly named a starter.

Kelly said, “I need somebody willing to sit out most of the season behind a new quarterback.  And watch him win.  Then with dry eyes say, ‘Maybe senior year.’  I need somebody who can create a victory with a minute left, deliver a 38-yard pass on third down against our oldest rival, who can put us in position to tie a game and then throw for the only touchdown in overtime, take snaps and get up from sacks.  And who, exam time and postseason, will finish his forty-hour testing week by Tuesday noon, then, in pain from elbow to back, put in another seventy-two hours on the practice field.”  So Kelly named a starter.

Kelly had to have somebody willing to ride the bench as another player started ahead of him and yet come in midway through and race to help when he sees the wheels fall off his teammate’s game.  So Kelly named a started.

Kelly said, “I need somebody strong enough to throw 411 times and heave 20 touchdowns, yet gentlemanly enough to listen to untamed tongues and ungrateful boos and tolerate the foul-mouthed fans, who will stop his college career in junior year to help a starting freshman find his legs.  It had to be somebody who’d throw deep and straight and not cut corners.  Somebody to lead, teach, drive, guide, and train and push and coach and cheer and steer and call the plays and rally the players and mount a comeback after halftime and finish a hard week’s work with a team Mass before a four-hour game.

“Somebody who’d bring a team together with the strong bonds of shared sacrifice, who would laugh and then sigh, and then reply with smiling Irish eyes, when a young kid says he ‘wants to play quarterback for Notre Dame someday.’”  So Kelly named a starter.

EFS CSC

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