I was going to title this piece “The Chicago Bears Need to Draft Brady Quinn.” But then I realized I may be setting myself up for comments by an entire city that is, right now, wallowing in the largest display of collective self-hate I’ve ever seen.

If you don’t already know, I live in Chicago, and so I’m in an excellent position to observer this city. You may also not know that Chicago is in the middle of an incredible cold snap. The temperature is -3 right now, with a wind chill of -29. The weather plus the frankly pitiful performance in the Super Bowl have combined to generate previously unseen levels of self-hate around the city.

Typically I’m not much of a “solutions” guy. Nah. I prefer to sit back, relax, and mock those who would try and fail. Way more comfortable over here. But after watching last night’s performance, a solution to the Bear’s troubles is so readily apparent that I just can’t help myself. It’s sort of like when you see a pop-up at a little league game is sailing foul, and it’s about to hit some guy’s truck, and you just can’t help but reach out and snag the ball before it put’s a spider-crack in the guy’s windshield. You don’t do it because you really give a damn about the guy’s truck. Hell, you might even laugh about it if the ball hits the truck. That’s just the sort of jerk you are. But hell, you know you can grab the ball, and someone might notice that you did so, and getting noticed is cool. Right?

And so, in that same spirit, I present to you the guaranteed way in which the Chicago Bears solve all of their problems: Draft Brady Quinn.

Now, let me stop here and fend off the “It wasn’t Sexy Rexy’s fault!” argument. It wont take long. Yes, the Bears did a poor job tackling. I’d also do a poor job tackling if I were so exhausted. And I’d be exhausted too if my offense couldn’t generate more production than the occasional Thomas Jones 2nd effort.

There. Done. So endeth the “It wasn’t Rex’s fault” argument. Yes it was. He’s pathetic. If he can “throw it a mile,” then let me introduce you to my laser-rocket arm. And despite the fact that I live in Chicago, I had no dog in the fight last night. Frankly, if I heard “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” on more time, I was going to whip someone with a Polish. And I really don’t like Indy much either. Indianapolis meant that I was still a few hours away from South Bend when I was driving to campus from home in the fall and winter. And that meant that I still had to travel thru Kokomo, and I really fucking hate Kokomo. No offense to the residents of Kokomo, but how the fuck do you generate traffic in the middle of nowhere?

So yeah, draft Brady Quinn. People will think it’s nuts because you’d have to give up a fair amount for the guy, but consider the fact that in this world of NFL parity, greatness is fleeting, and maybe my idea isn’t so mad. You wouldn’t be able to maneuver in the world of trades, free-agency, and drafts, get Quinn and “build for the future.” But I think it’s possible to maneuver so that you’re “building for now.” Make the moves necessary to get Quinn, keep that defense relatively together, and take one real shot at winning the Super Bowl.

I wont get into the intricacies of exactly how I think the Bears could maneuver to get Quinn. There are a lot of ways to skin that cat, and some of them may be right and some of them may be wrong (though I think they all involve getting rid of one of your running backs (pick the least durable one)). And ultimately, as soon as Quinn goes pro, I’m likely to stop paying much attention to him beyond looking for his stat-line on a whim just because the ticker is running on ESPN news. They’re up front about paying their players in the NFL, and I find that uncomfortable. Still, the Chicago Bears have one move that they must make in the offseason: Get a QB. So why not get the best available?

EDIT: I forgot to give reason that Quinn would do well in Chicago:

• Look what he was able to do at ND with almost no real offensive line protection and/or running game. Aside from the occasional bizzaro act by the Bears OLine, they’re pretty good, and Thomas Jones is really a very good running back.
• Quinn could probably teach Chicago’s OC a few tricks, like pass plays that aren’t called “throw it way the fuck down the field to Berrien” or “Throw a 5 yard slant to Mush.”
• He actually knows what to do with a tight end.
• He actually knows how to alter his cadence to draw a defense off-sides.
• He’s almost as big as Urlacher – that’s bound to earn him some sort of respect on a primal level compared to Rex “They Don’t Mean My Arms When They Call Me Cannon” Grossman.
• He’s not a complete idiot.

There. That’ll pretty much satisfy those stupid “reasons” quotas.

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