The book is divided into chapters on The University, which is humorous; Football, which is humorous; our Rivals, which was written in pure acid; The Church, which is humorous; and Inspiration, which will lift you up in times of darkness and troubles.  You ask: What, beyond laughter and joy, is your new book good for, Reverend Father?  I shall give you 12 edifying uses, one for each Apostle.

* To serve as a study break, after reading dense philosophy, slogging through complex equations, or labeling the reproductive organs of the bullfrog; the book will either give you a relaxing laugh or serve to help you put off  returning to homework until tomorrow.

* When the power goes out and the brain-wasting machine known as a television, or worse the soul-stealing device known as an xbox, no longer function, light a candle and have a group reading with your roommates (if you want to light a candle and say a prayer, go to the Grotto…after reading a few pages).

* During the interminable time-outs at games in the Stadium – when, rather than playing energizing music, we hand out awards for a grade school coloring-contests in Mishawaka – pull out the book, read a few pages, and get back into the spirit of the game.

* Leave a copy in your home bathroom or in your hall bathroom, so that having a prolonged sit-down is not wasted time.  But please sponge the book off after you wash your hands; I would hate for it to become a vector of disease.

* A perfect gift any time of the year for a fanatic alum (graduate or subway variety); for parents who are not alums, so they might better understand what is happening to their student-children and the significant changes their offspring are going through; for prospective students to show them the glories that may be theirs; or as a Christmas stocking-stuffer for the naughty lad, to blunt the blow of receiving a cow-pie-sized lump of coal.

* As a gift for friends who currently attend or have graduated from a different college, so that they might know the joy and joviality with which you are or were blessed; or to make them sick with rage and envy (or to give them a big, literary sharp-stick-in-the-eye if they are from Michigan, USC, Boston College, Florida State…).

* If you are a student, to hide inside the “Complete Works of Shakespeare” or “Principles of Economics” so that you don’t fall asleep to the dulcet tones of your professor during an endless Tuesday-Thursday class that meets after a heavy lunch.  If you are an alum, to hide inside the “Human Resources Sensitivity Training Manual” during that three-day seminar – though it may not be good to burst out laughing during one of those meetings.

* When your dorm fire alarm goes off in the depth of winter, grab a coat and this book before evacuation.  If it’s a real fire, you may be outside for quite some time; if it’s a false alarm, you’ll be outside for only 30 to 45 minutes.  Either way, some group reading will warm you hearts, if not your extremities.

* Add a false section of about a hundred pages, hollow-out the whole thing, and you have an innocuous holder for transporting a flask of…ginger ale…into the Stadium.  (This, of course, applies only to alums – unless you need such a carrying case for visiting every floor of the library during Senior Week to…return all your other books).

* For my CSC brothers, bring this book into the Confessional with you, so that you have something uplifting to read between penitents; or so that you have something interesting to read while listening to another litany of “I broke parietals, “I shoved a guy’s head in a toilet,” “I cheered for an SEC team,” “I like the playoff system,” “I watched ESPN alone, in my room, with the lights out, and I enjoyed it.”

* For hall rectors, read this book as you are sitting wide-awake at 3:00 in the morning on a Saturday, wishing for a gas leak to make the animals sleepy, stewing in your own juices, hating your life, and contemplating taking a bath face-down in the tub.  This book will serve as an pleasant distraction and bring peace to your looong nights.

Holding the first manuscript of my new book. Don’t worry, there aren’t 1,842 pages.

* Finally, this book is good for plagiarism.  You can quote the jokes to friends and claim you made them up.  You can copy passages from the inspirational writings and use them in public speaking to enthrall your audience.  I don’t mind – everyone at or from Notre Dame has been stealing my words since 1842.

I have written this book for the benefit of all who love Our Lady’s University.  I receive no proceeds from the sale of the book, as I have a vow of poverty (at least that’s what they told me when they cut me out of getting cash from Sorin Society donations).  You can find Father Sorin Says in the Bookstore starting today, and come Monday it will be sold at a place called Amazon by retired she-warriors (for that, I presume, is who must run such a store).  Enjoy!

EFS CSC

The post Pre-Friday w/Padre: Book Report appeared first on Her Loyal Sons.

If you don’t believe me, just look at the legions of Alumni desperately clawing their way back to Our Lady’s campus for any reason, real or imagined. If you don’t believe me, just watch the Seniors becoming progressively weepy all year as The End approaches; graduation should be a joyous event – at Notre Dame it is treated as a nonconsensual expulsion.

Now I’m not saying every path you take here will be lined with primroses. In fact, once the cold weather sets in, the groundskeepers replace the flowers with decorative cabbages that have a distinct lavatorial scent. Perhaps that is an apt metaphor in itself: Some of the paths you take will not be all that pleasant. So let me speak to a few important facts of life at Notre Dame.  I will not call it advice, because by now you are all topped off and even overflowing with advice…most of which is useless. My statements bear immeasurably more weight because, quite simply, I founded this place – I was there, I did that. Thus, here’s just a snippet of what I have seen over the years since 1842; and remember, I have literally seen it all.

<Light> In a modern dormitory, you have ample space and year-round climate-control. <Shadow> It’s all rather plastic and contrived – face, it the hall that bears my name was the first in the country with private rooms; everything that has followed is a cheap knock-off. But the structure does not make the man or the woman, and these new halls have all the spirit and energy as the Victorian prison hulks elsewhere on campus.

<Light> In an older, historic dormitory, you live steeped in tradition and you sleep where American heroes and national legends have slept before. <Shadow> You live in a broom-closet crossed with a sweat-lodge (yes, even in winter, what with the blacksmith’s forge radiators, those little rooms are hot). The hall that bears my name was state-of-the-art when it was opened; but keep in mind, in 1888 most people relieved themselves in a shed in the backyard, and tailgating was done behind the business-end of a horse. Still you’re living history for four years.

<Light> You get to live with Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors in a layer-cake of camaraderie and harmony. You get to learn from their experience and let them give you a leg up in this adventure called college. <Shadow> It’s not always camaraderie and harmony. For a little while you will be treated as pets to be toyed with and teased (all in good fun, mind you). So be ready to wake up to the Victory March played at 194 decibels, at 7:00am sharp, on six Saturday mornings this fall, not far from your door, and therefore not far from your bed which is ever-so-close to your door. And don’t open the door too quickly when you hear a firm knocking upon it – there’s every good chance a garbage can full of ice-water is tipped precariously against it.

<Light> You have the opportunity to study a vast spectrum of fascinating, enriching, and challenging subjects under the tutelage of some of the nation’s greatest minds and most adept educators. <Shadow>Some classes start at 8:20 in the morning, others at 5:05 in the evening. It’s college – deal with it…and don’t be late…and don’t dress like you’re going to a mud-caked, beer-soaked music festival in a field (sleeves, pant-legs, and shoes that don’t belong in a shower, please).

<Light> It’s one of America’s most beautiful places, with ancient trees, spring-fed lakes, lush lawns, and landmark edifices. It is literally picture-perfect in late summer and the early half of autumn. <Shadow> December, January, February, and March (well, not really shadow, because there’s no sun by which to see a shadow, even if there weren’t rain in your eyes, or your eyes weren’t frozen shut). After all, this is Northern Indiana, not Southern California – THANK CHRIST ON HIS THRONE!

<Light> You can have three square meals a day just footsteps from you door. Any dish your heart desires is served to you on a platter and you dine with your closest new friends. <Shadow> I’m not exactly sure…I don’t know…It’s not clear where the food comes from. And <Shadow> Lent. Get real comfortable with deepfried fish pucks and cod wearing relish-drag.

<Light> This is not Catholic Disneyland – it’s the BVM’s vacation home, and she often brings Her Son along with Her. When she’s not appearing, prophesying, healing, and generally intercessing around the world, She relaxes here with you, Her loyal sons and daughters. <Shadow> She sees you when [you’re supposed to be] sleeping; She knows when you’re awake [and what you’re doing]. She knows exactly how you’ve been bad or good…but She always supports and forgives.

At this time of year, I am reminded of the words of an eminently wise man, written in the 18^th Century. I paraphrase, for though he was Irish, alas, he was not Catholic:

‘Look more upon the bright side of your condition, and less upon the dark side. Consider what you enjoy, rather than what you want. Let this give you great comfort, and have pity on those discontented people who cannot enjoy comfortably what God has given them, because they see and covet something that He has not given them. All of our discontents about what we want, spring from want of thankfulness for what we have.’

My University ID Photo

Besides, you have nothing to covet or want. You are now having The Best Time Ever. And seven times a year, it’s broadcast on NBC.

EFS CSC

Editor’s Note – Father Sorin Says: The Founder Comments on Today’s Notre Dame is being published by Corby Books and is scheduled to be available in the Hammes Bookstore and on Amazon on August 24.

The post Good Fridays w/Padre: The Best of Times appeared first on Her Loyal Sons.