This is getting to be a cosmic joke. Pat, making sure that everyone understands he wouldn’t do this sort of thing for just any conference, reminds doubters…

This was the seventh week of the season, and at least one Southeastern Conference team has lost in each one. Now, after a deafening night in the Loveliest Little Village on The Plains, the body count is complete in the Bloody South.

Twelve teams. No unbeatens. Nobody left standing tall in the national championship chase.

Let the lesser leagues, where the athletes are less swift and the hitting is less violent, rejoice.

…

We’re barely past the halfway point in 2006, and the league that considers itself without peer must pursue the crystal football from the outside once again.

And of coure, Tommy Potatoville didn’t let 3 seconds tick past after Aubrun defeated Florida until he started to cry bloody murder about the unfairness of it all…

“That’s why we need a playoff,” said Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville. “It’s just so unfair to this conference. To go undefeated, it’s got to be a miracle. You’ve got to be lucky, and then everyone’s going to start politicking.

“That’s the way it is, and probably the way it’s going to be every year. It’s just so tough.”

Tommy, you’re dumber than ass spittle if you believe that. You big, stupid pansy. Why didn’t God do you a favor and ensure you were beaten by bigger kids on a daily basis for no reason back in highschool? It’s unfair!? You’re gonna coach big-time college football and then bitch about how it’s all just so unfair? How sheltered were you while growing up? I can’t believe you have time to cry this much whilst still breast feeding.
Still, Pat Forde, like all whores must, as they are still people too, possesses a few elements of worth. This time he’s made a some good points, but I’m not sure he meant to do it. I list them and add my own viewpoints here…

1. Officiating in College Football is a joke. Way before the NCAA should move to a playoff system (something I’m not actually against), the NCAA needs to eliminate conference-based officiating teams. There should be a single national pool of officials. They should also be paid well enough to make it a full-time job.
2. Urban Meyer has taken one of the best QBs in the land (Leak) and destroyed him in order to put his own Pop Warner ripoff genius system in play. This guy must have an ego that rivals Terrel Owens without the side of practicallity. When Leak’s a 3rd round pick this spring, he’ll have The Turtle to thank. Meanwhile, which organ do you think will fail first in the body of Tim Tebow? I’m betting kidney. That disease that ruined Rocky’s career after he defeated the Russian is gonna rear it’s ugly head for Timmy!. Hey future NFL Star QBs currently playing in highschool, you really want to play in this offense? Hell, even Gator fans don’t recognize you afterwards.

Remember the Conference, Schmonference Theorems…

• Conference, Schmonference Theorem #1: Conference Affiliation Doesn’t Make a Team Good.
• Conference, Schmonference Theorem #2: Conference Teams That Tear Eachother Apart In Conference Play Might Belong To An Excellent Conference, But They’re Just As Likely To Belong To A Mediocre Conference.

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You wont let go, will you? I’m scared.

Up until the end of the Arkansas/Auburn game this weekend, everyone’s favorite cry-baby, Tommy Potatoville, was setting up the BCS and the NCAA Football Covering Media of the World for an outright OMG!-WE’RE-SO-SCREWED-LOOK-AT-THIS-SCHEDULE-PLAYING-IN-THE-SEC-IS-WEALLY-HAWD campaign.

But then the unthinkable happened, and Auburn’s hopes for any semblance of a legitimate argument for nomination into the BCS championship game were dashed.

Still, while the media and the rest of the world may have dropped the poor-Awbuwn-woozy-woozy-woo story lines, one thing keeps ringing in the ears of all college football fans as it’s screamed over and over again by the Lee Corsos and other poo-throwers of the world: THE SEC IS REALLY HARD TO PLAY IN!

But is it?

The contention is that the SEC is an impossibly difficult conference because so many of the teams within the conference are so damned good. But how do you make that judgement? How can you tell that they’re so damned good? Because they all look so fast on TV? Because they seem to consistenly play out 10-7 barn burners during inter-conference play? Because so many of their stadiums are “electric” on gameday? Because Kirk Herbstreit gets a big grin on his face any time Gameday gets to be on location at an SEC school?

Probably not.

The only real way to judge one conference against another, or, more importantly in this dog-eat-dog, 14-million-dollar-BCS-bowl-payment-world, to determine that one team is better than another, is to look at teams’ relative performance against similar competition. So let’s look at who the SEC teams are playing outside of their little family…

• September 2
• Michigan 27, Vanderbilt 7
• Georgia 48, Western Kentucky 12
• Tennessee 35, #9 California 18
• Florida 34, Southern Miss 7
• Alabama 25, Hawaii 17
• Auburn 40, Washington State 14
• LSU 45, Louisiana-Lafayette 3
• USC 50, Arkansas 14
• September 3
• Mississippi 28, Memphis 25
• Louisville 59, Kentucky 28
• September 9
• Missouri 34, Mississippi 7
• Florida 42, UCF 0
• Kentucky 41, Texas State 7
• LSU 45, Arizona 3
• Tennessee 31, Air Force 30
• Arkansas 20, Utah State 0
• September 16
• Georgia 34, UAB 0
• Tulane 32, Mississippi State 29
• South Carolina 27, Wofford 20
• Alabama 41, Louisiana-Monroe 7
• September 23
• Georgia 14, Colorado 13
• Auburn 38, Buffalo 7
• Tennessee 33, Marshall 7
• Wake Forest 27, Mississippi 3
• Mississippi State 16, UAB 10
• Vanderbilt 38, Tennessee State 9
• South Carolina 45, Florida Atlantic 6
• LSU 49, Tulane 7
• September 30
• Tennessee 41, Memphis 7
• Kentucky 45, Central Michigan 36
• Vanderbilt 43, Temple 14
• October 7
• West Virginia 42, Mississippi State 14
• Alabama 30, Duke 14

Now, in later editions of Conference, Schmonference, we’ll take a look at the non-SEC teams and how other teams from other conferences fared against the same or like competition. However, even without such analysis, it’s pretty easy to see that, overall, the non-Conference schedule of the SEC has a certain Stay Puft consistency. Sure, it looks menacing, but it’s really just melty.

And frankly, against some of the rather doughy nonCons, the SEC didn’t exactly looke like lions amongst a pen of sheep. And hell, against quality nonCons, with huge winning traditions like Air Force, Wake Forest, and Wofford, the SEC didn’t look real hot whilst barely slipping by for wins.

Don’t even get me started about the SEC’s performance against “top” competition like Michigan, West Virginia, or USC. Real quick: If USC is way better than Arkansas, and Arkansas is way better than Auburn, and Auburn… You know what? Forget it. You see where I’m going.

And so, I’ll state…

• Conference, Schmonference Theorem #1: Conference Affiliation Doesn’t Make a Team Good.
• Conference, Schmonference Theorem #2: Conference Teams That Tear Eachother Apart In Conference Play Might Belong To An Excellent Conference, But They’re Just As Likely To Belong To A Mediocre Conference.

We’ll investigate further in later editions of Conference, Schmonference…

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