May 9, 2008

Friday Roundup: The “Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine?” Edition

It must be the worst of the worst part of the off-season, because all anyone seems to be doing lately is whining.

The Roundup:

  • It takes a while for the guy to make his point, but when he does, it’s a lousy one. When the guys that don’t get it start to really get uppity about sports bloggers, you know their time is coming to an end.
  • Apparently there’s a doctorate in Bitch and Moan available at Michigan (sucks!)
  • My turn to whine: Hey, SBNation.com, when you went and “upgraded” all of the blogs on your network, including the fine Rakes of Mallow, did you have to unleash every post ever made by one of your bloggers into my RSS reader all over again? By the way, nice job making your blogs all look like e-commerce sites with a side of blog.
  • There’s so little going on in the CFB world right now, I can’t even keep this theme up, so screw it.
  • John Cooper: HAHA!
  • SMQ wants to know what makes someone “consistent.” If he’s talking about “consistently great,” then, speaking for myself, I dunno. I suppose it’s just a gift from God to all of you.

Well, that roundup sucked. We need the season preview magazines to come out now. Phil Steele, where are you?

Here’s a fun fact from Phil to get us through this rough patch: Notre Dame plays just 6 teams in 2008 that had winning records in 2007. And those opponents combined for a winning percentage of just 51%. Wooooo!

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May 6, 2008

NCAA Releases Self-Invented Metric Results For Some Self-Back-Patting

The NCAA Released their “Academic Progress Report” today and then gushed about all their “progress.” The name alone tells you right away that the entire thing was manufactured to keep the heat off the NCAA and make it look like “progress” is being made. Note they didn’t release “A Report Entirely Devoid of Spin on Exactly How Each Institution of Higher Learning is Actually Doing Right This Very Moment With Regard To Actually Educating Their Student Athletes” This is much like those weekly progress reports you fill out every week in your thankless job to let your 7 bosses know that the “top priority” project you’ve been working on is now “83% done” versus the “79% done” of last week even though it’s really been stuck at 15% done since September. Of 2002. But hey, you put it in a spreadsheet and used TLAs, so it’s all good. Thank God for scope creep.

Ooh! Look! A graph!



What does it mean?

Absolutely nothing!

But to the NCAA, an organization that does absolutely nothing useful to any segment of humanity, it means…

The NCAA’s Academic Performance Program (APP) is creating positive behavioral change among Division I institutions, according to new four-year data released May 6.

The multi-year Academic Progress Rate (APR) data – with four years of data collection available for the first time – show upward trends in several categories, especially from 2005-06 to 2006-07. The overall APR, which measures student-athlete performance based on eligibility and retention, rose slightly, with increases in both eligibility and retention and a decrease in the number of student-athletes leaving school while academically ineligible.

Um. Okay. So how is the APR calculated?

Each Division I sports team receives an APR. An APR of 925 roughly projects to
a 60 percent graduation success rate. To calculate the APR, every student-athlete
is tracked by eligibility and retention, the two most reliable factors in predicting
graduation. Those who do well in the classroom and stay in school earn two
points. Those who pass but do not return to school earn one point. If a studentathlete
fails academically and leaves school, their team loses two points. If a
student-athlete returns to school later and graduates, the school earns one bonus
point. The team’s APR is calculated by dividing the total points earned in a year by
the total points possible.

So the “perfect score” is 1000, and yet, in an Academic Progress Report, a 60% graduation rate translates, roughly to a 925? 925 over 1000 is 92.5. Why use a 1000 point benchmark? Is there really a need for the granularity of 1000 units of whatever the heck the APR is measuring? What the heck is this thing measuring?

By the way, that 925 is the “benchmark” score. Any program falling under that score is subject to “contemporaneous penalties.”

For fun, I took the APR numbers of teams on this year’s ND Football schedule and compared them to the latest published GSR (graduation success rates) of each school respectively. Now, maybe the most recently published GSR numbers aren’t the GSR numbers the NCAA used to calculate APR, but if they aren’t, then why not?

As you can see, Michigan State fell dangerously close to falling below the benchmark. SDSU was the only team not to get a score in the lofty 900s on ND’s schedule (again, why are we playing SDSU?). Purdue scored a 920, but aren’t listed under the NCAA’s list of programs that will be receiving penalties. I’m sure there’s an explanation. It’s probably got to do with “momentum” or something, which will probably play a role in the fact that MSU got a “passing” grade even though they’re sporting a GSR of 43. Maybe it’s because, if these programs fall below the benchmark, they can, essentially, promise to do better next year, and get a reprieve. I used to promise I’d do better next year all the time, but did that ever stop me from getting fired? Never mind. Didn’t the NCAA just say a GSR of 60 roughly translated to a 925? So confusing. But like I said, maybe the GSR numbers are old, and MSU made an improvement of 17 points in the GSR this past year. Maybe.

Ultimately, the APR is a freaking joke. There’s more smoothing out of blemishes here than at your average junior high. So tomorrow, when you hear on the radio about how things are getting better, and programs you’d expect to get penalized aren’t, just remember that MSU is sporting a freaking 43 GSR and not getting penalized either.

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May 5, 2008

Catty Coaches

HLS Expert Picks Expert and Once Upon a Time HLS contributor ChisND shared a rather humorous web page titled “5 Cats that Look Like Wilford Brimley.” I have no idea where he found that site. Maybe he’s a cat person, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Theoretically.

But it got me thinking, are there any college football head coaches that have 5 cats that look just like them? I decided to find out, and programmed the robots to search the internets until they found some matches between cats and college football head coaches. See the results after the jump.
More…

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April 25, 2008

Friday Roundup: The “Biscuit Dropped The Ball” Edition

First, let me express my apologies to the millions of HLS readers out there who depend exclusively on HLS to deliver the latest, most timely Notre Dame Football news. There have been some really significant (huge!) verbal commitments by extraordinarily talented football players to the University of Notre Dame, and “we” failed to mention anything about any of those commitments. As Executive Founding Benevolent Lead Managerial Omnipotent Editor of HLS, I take full responsibility for this gaffe, and I swear to you on the souls of the little blue fish that the big, ugly, black fish ate when I was 7, this will never happen again. The buck stops here. I’m going to make this right.

That said, it was all Biscuit’s fault! Oh sure, I suppose I could have done it, but I was exhausted from my Blue and Gold Game tome earlier this week, and then I was very busy with work, and then there was just so much beer to be consumed. How can you expect one man to consume that much beer and blog? What’s Biscuit’s excuse? Let’s hear it, Biscuit. Let’s hear about what on earth made your widdle wife so vewy vewy hawd that you couldn’t step up and do what we pay you to do!

The Roundup:

Finally, here’s a picture simply for the sake of having a picture, as we haven’t had many pictures on HLS lately.



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April 15, 2008

Urban Meyer Does Not Possess a National Championship Trophy

Well, maybe he does. It all depends on what your metaphysics professor tells you. If you have a donut, and then you smash the donut into a thousand pieces, is it still a donut?

Florida’s football team suffered a similar accident with its BCS championship trophy from the 2006 national title. Only this mistake was real. UF officials confirmed the $8,000 trophy was knocked off its pedestal and destroyed last week.

It may remain a mystery who actually destroyed the crystal football, which shattered after hitting the ground outside of
Urban Meyer’s office. UF already has contacted the company in Kentucky that makes the trophy for a replacement.

Hey, speaking of metaphysics and Florida, looks like the turtle still can’t beat the hare.

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April 11, 2008

Friday Roundup: The “Did I Mention, WOOOOOOOO!!!!” Edition

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I too know absolutely nothing about hockey. Personally I feel the sport is a bit awkward with the way that the game play sort of lulls you to sleep and then BAM! Goal! Wha’ happened?



I did, many years ago, attend a ND hockey game in Ann Arbor. A few observations: Michigan (sucks!) Hockey is a very big deal in Michigan (sucks!). Michigan (sucks!) fans are extremely creative in their taunts of opposing goalies. It really is possible to score 7 goals against the other team in hockey. And you don’t get assaulted by empties at a Michigan (sucks!) hockey game like you do a Michigan (sucks!) football game just for wearing the opposition’s colors and cheering for the opposition. And for that, I salute you, Michigan (sucks!) hockey fans. You are clearly the cream of the crop.

Also, Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The Roundup:

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April 10, 2008

Michigan (sucks!) Students Who Couldn’t Get Into Michigan (sucks!) Upset Over Ticket Policy

Reading this letter, I find myself wondering if University of Phoenix students who don’t actually live in Phoenix have an inferiority complex.

On behalf of the students of the University of Michigan at Flint (and also students at the Dearborn campus, I’d venture to say), I would like to express my utter disappointment in the recent change in purchasing priorities for Michigan football tickets. Under the new policy, priority will be given to University students attending the Ann Arbor campus over students at the Flint or Dearborn campuses, which smacks heavily of a “we’re better than you” mindset.

When the University established its branch campuses in Flint and Dearborn, it was with the goal of expanding the University and spreading values already in place. And as the Flint campus celebrated its 50th anniversary, we believe it has done just that - until now.

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April 9, 2008

New HLS Features!

With the 2008 Season quickly approaching, I’ve been subscribing to various blogs and news sources that focus on our 2008 opponents so I’ll be appropriately prepped.

As a result, we now have an updated “Our Opponents’ Latest News” widget to on the right sidebar. We’ve retasked the robots that race around the set of tubes on the internet consuming and processing humans news about our 2007 opponents to consume and process news about our 2008 opponents.

We also have a brand-new widget, the “Opposition Blog Posts.” For this, we’ve commanded the robots to consume and process the latest posts by the best blogs we could find for each of our 2008 opponents. Currently, we’ve tried to just get one blog per opponent, but as we discover other excellent blogs, we’ll let the robots know about them.

For now, our opponents are represented by:

So that’s a good start. Hopefully we’ll find an actual Stanford blog that actually blogs about football. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll find a Purdue blog that isn’t boring and isn’t hell-bent on using black as their background color.

Also, if you’d like to simply subscribe to the 2008 Opposition Blog Posts feed, you can do so by following this link.

Hopefully you’ll enjoy reading up on these sites. Many of them are more focused on basketball and hockey right now, but as summer begins to heat up, no doubt so too will the football talk. And that’s what we crave the most this time of year. We crave attention intelligent football talk.

If you’ve got suggestions for excellent Opposition Blogs, let us know, and we’ll be sure to add them (if we agree with you. You might have poor taste).

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