About time to start looking at what our opponents are doing this season. With a nod to (fellow domer) Drew for the inspiration, we’ll be looking at our opponets thru peanut butter glasses. Sugary, chocolatey, peanutbuttery glassess. Mmmmmmm….
Ahem. On with the review…
Georgia Tech - (4-1, ND Result: Loss): Having just soundly defeated Virginia Tech, the Jackets now look like a truly formidable opponent that wasn’t just amped to the max to be playing ND to start the season. In fact, had they remembered at the time that they have Calvin Johnson on their team, and no double-, tripple-, or eleventy-teaming coverage of CJ will work, they darn well could have won that game. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: They’d ignore it completely most of the time. Maybe giving it a few sniffs here and there, pointing out how good it could be, maybe, if they ever bothered to try it. They’d totally fail to appreciate the incredible combination of chocolate and peanut butter. And then, suddenly, it would all just click for them, and they’d eat it. And it would be good. And they’d keep eating it, because it’s pretty much their only option anyway.
Penn State - (3-2, ND Result: Loss): Having just feasted upon Northwestern, JoePa and the Nits may not have much room left for peanut butter cups or brains, but they need to get ready for a matchup with Minnesota this weekend. It should be a good barometer for this team as they struggle to figure out if they’re the bunch of guys that got destroyed by ND, played it close with OSU, or whacked Northwestern. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: They’d keep gumming it, not catching up with the times and the new-hotness: teeth until they somehow manage to recruit some new talent that also happens to have some teeth. Still, that new talent wouldn’t have much experience and would bite themselves a lot because of it, thus diminishing the enjoyment of the peanut butter cup.
Michigan - (5-0, ND Result: Win): With the Big Ten pretty much sucking with the exception of Michigan and OSU, it looks like the wolverines will just continue the onslaught against MSU this weekend. With Michigan looking strong and MSU looking like, well, MSU, we’re predicting a score of 154,000,988 to 2, Michigan. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: Early on, they’d fine a few inferior cups to devour, ensuring that they’re fully warmed up to take on the real deal. And then they’d munch up on everything in its path. The logical result would be that, by association, they’d actually do the impossible and make Reese’s PB Cups suck. Then they’d bitch about it.
Michigan State - (3-2, ND Result: Biggest Choke In The History Of Aspiration): The meltdown is nearly complete, and this year it’s coming along faster than ever before. With Michigan on the docket, it’s pretty much guaranteed that John Elsmith will do, say, and think something stupid several times before Sunday. It’ll be great. It’ll be beautiful. And it will involve MSU players protecting something, just not their pride. How They’d Eat a Reese’s PB Cup: They’d start out sort of strong, taking the first one down pretty easily, but somwhere between the first one and the second one, they’d choke and choke hard, letting the second one sit there in the sun, melting away. Then they’d slap the second one, and assign players to surround it, protecting it from other players while it all just sits and melts behind them.
Purdue - (4-1, ND Result: Loss): We’re pretty sure that Purdue is playing a game this weekend, but we got bored trying to find out, so we don’t know for, like, totally sure. That QB they have is the real-deal, and they sure can make an offense go, but man do their defensive players suck. They probably just get bored playing for the most boring team in the world and, rather than practicing, wander off the field to play Jenga or something. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: I dunno. I asked, but got bored and moved on while they were answering.
Stanford - (0-5): See our earlier post for just how bad this team is. We don’t really think Quinn will have a monster day against them because we should be rushing the ball 50+ times, and Quinn should be off the field by the end of the 1st half. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: First they’d mock it, pointing out something horrible that happened in the history of peanut butter and/or chocolate and featuring a skit that is offensive to peanut butter and chocolate during halftime of a game. Then they’d claim that they’re just a little kookie and would pick on any candy flavor combinations, not just peanut butter and chocolate. Then they’d be banned from ever eating a PB cup ever again.
UCLA - (3-1): Well, the record looks pretty good, but that loss right there marks the day in which they lost to Washington and one Tyrone Willingham. Doing so has to prove that Karl Dorrell is the worst coach in the history of coaching. Then again, they just killed Stanford, so what’s that say about Stanford’s coach? They have a lot of talent. They should never have lost to Washington. Ever. But then, they are also young, so… How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: They’d sort of sit around, not doing much, maybe, every once in a while, make everyone think that finally they’re gonna eat the cup, but no, not really, they’ll just let that other school in LA go ahead and eat it. They don’t need the pressure.
Navy - (4-1): Navy prepares to take on Air Force this weekend. We have no jokes. These guys go to school so they can protect our sorry butts. Navy continues to play well, and, frankly we’re sorta wondering if this isn’t an automatic W for ND this year. We should still win. Still… How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: Being in the military, they’d likely purchase the cups from a preferred vendor for $3,000 and then store the cups in a massive warehouse until they’re actually needed, at which point they’ll probably be spoiled. (Yeah, I know, that wasn’t too funny, but it’s the best I can get myself to do against the military. They have spy satellites and guns.)
UNC - (1-3): Not being very good, UNC is about to make Miami look good. They could well end up playing a major role in the story “How Larry Coker Managed To Keep His Job.” This could get really ugly. Still, it’s just not that long until basketball season, so you don’t seem to see a lot of people caring, much less complaining. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: They’d give one a try and then decide that it’s just not worth it and will wait until Twix come along laster in the year.
Air Force Academy - (2-1): These guys took Tennessee to the mat, and now they’re meeting with Navy? This should be one hell of a game. Watching this game could be the most confusing sporting event ever, as spectators and the media try helplessly to figure out where the hell the ball is at any given time. Good luck just trying to figure out who’s on offense. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup:They’d make you think that they’re eating the cup, but actually they’re hiding it down their pants. Just as you’re ready to go in and get the cup, BAM, the cup’s in their mouth. You’ll be completely confused as to how it got from their pants to their mouth, and a little disturbed that it happened that way.
Army - (2-3): They don’t look like much, but Army is certainly getting better. They prepare to take on VMI this weekend, a.k.a. The University of Not Really A Military Academy But That Wont Stop Them. Army should make these guys look silly. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: They’d start out real enthusiastic-like, but ultimately the cup would just have too much skill and depth. I mean, there’s another cup in the pack, ready to come out in the 1st cup’s place that’s probably just as good as the first one. How’s anyone supposed to compete with that?
USC - (4-0): USC had looked like it was just in another year of reloading, but after last weekend’s survival of WSU, people are starting to wonder if maybe this USC isn’t quite as polished as previous versions. Besides that, the team is getting hammered with injuries. No word on how long the grass at the USC practice fields may be. How They’d Eat A Reese’s PB Cup: First they’d invite Snoop and ESPN to cover the event, making sure that everyone knew just how great a time they were having eating the cup. Meanwhile, deep down, they’d be crying inside, knowing that this cup isn’t filled with peanut buttery goodness. No. This cup is hollow. A shell, man. A shell…
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