I think Pete Fiutak was being earnest when he wrote what I’m about to share with you. Stupid, naive, pathetic, whiny, childish, hella-lame, but earnest. So we’re gonna link to his “work” right here.

Bold = mine. Now, onto his “work”:

This is not an anti-Brady Quinn or Notre Dame-hating rant. This is a why-the-awards-are-occasionally-a-fat-load-of-nothing beef. Ok. Good ’nuff for me. It’s Christmas. I’ll trust in the human spirit.
The Unitas Award is supposed to go to the best senior quarterback in America, while the Maxwell Award is supposed to go to the college football player of the year. Wow. Real facts. Not a bad start, Pete!
Each award has now been rendered irrelevant and meaningless after Quinn won them both. Uh oh! Danger Will Robinson! I feel a baseless and asinine commentary coming on!
Why was Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith the winner of the Heisman Trophy by one of the largest margins ever? Media Hype.
Why did Quinn fall to third in the Heisman race behind Darren McFadden and Smith? Media Hype Loves Itself a “Hot Story.”
It’s because Smith was, unquestionably, 2006’s signature college football player. Really? How? (Oops. I just questioned it.) Quinn will be the first pick in the NFL draft, but that has absolutely nothing to do with college football awards. Indeed.
If you want to argue that McFadden was the best player in the nation, you’d be wrong, but I’d listen. If you want to say Hawaii’s Colt Brennan was the nation’s best quarterback because of his numbers, you could at least make a case. But for Quinn to win not just the player of the year, but the best senior quarterback honor is wrong and embarrassing. Again, why?
The numbers were certainly nice, and Quinn was brilliant in comebacks against Michigan State and UCLA, but in Notre Dame’s two big games of the year against Michigan and USC, Quinn didn’t lead his team to wins, and wasn’t even close. Smith finished the season fourth in the nation in passing efficiency while Quinn was 14th. Ah. A stat! And a convenient one! Way to build up your argument, Pete!
Come on, voters, be smarter, and better than that. What’s that line about tree-trunk/eye/splinter/your-own-self?

Ok. I’ll take it all back. Pete’s not earnest. I will, however, stick to my guns that he is: Stupid, naive, pathetic, whiny, childish, hella-lame. He’s also a no-talent turd-breather. As such. I’m removing his link. He works for Fox Sports. Fox should seriously think about changing that.

And just for the fun of it, let’s compare the last, oh, 10 year history of the awards involved in Pete’s latest “work” for which he’s actually paid:

Wait a minute. Just looking back 10 years, we see that in 1997, Pete’s logic holds that these awards were “rendered irrelevant and meaningless.” At the very least, how can Manning be the best according to Maxwell is Heisman says it’s Woodson? It’s as if these awards are voted on by totally different groups of people! How could that be? And wait! What the hell happened in 2001? 3 different winners!? No! That’s can’t be! That just cannot be!

Hmm. Maybe Pete just got excited that he learned some new “big boy words” like “irrelevant” and “rendered.”

Anyway, Pete, if you have kids, put them up for adoption. Anyone this stupid is about as qualified to raise children as a mentally damaged cocker spaniel. Think of the kids, Pete. It’s not too late for them!

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You know how dogs can bend over and just start licking their balls? That’s what Rick Morrissey wishes he could do. Because if he did, he would, because he’s so into himself that A) He feels he deserves a good licking and B) He feels that only he is worthy of licking his balls.  It just occurred to me that I write this making one massive presumption: Rick Morrissey has any balls.
Anyway, Mr. “Love Me Some Me Long Time,” has a problem with Notre Dame. And he decided to show it by having a temper-tantrum in the style of the kid who always smelled a little like Campbell’s Chicken and Stars and never got the real Transformers for Christmas. In fact, his temper tantrum had a Christmas theme as he placed said tantrum right in the middle of his “Christmas Wish List.” Rick, you fool, Santa only brings gifts to all of God’s children, and God decided to hate you a long, long time ago to balance out the universe. Your self love is just that strong. [No Linking for HeWhoWouldTasteHimself of the Tribe Narcissusucky]

Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn: Somehow, you won the Maxwell Award over Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith. That’s gift enough.

Troy Smith: A recount.

Maxwell Award voters: Official membership in the Notre Dame glee club.

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis: A bowl victory for the Irish followed by the irresistible urge to make this statement on national TV: “I couldn’t have done it without me.”

Vegetarians: Peas on Earth.

Rick, you write with a style that would bring shame to 4th graders who get separated from the rest of class for the English “module.” “Peas on Earth,” Rick? You get paid for that? It’s like getting paid for breathing, except it requires less creativity. Here’s my Christmas wish for you, Rick: That you have a wonderful and merry Christmas, and that someone, somewhere finds a way, despite you, to love you. Because love is what the world just doesn’t have enough of. And someone actually managing to love you would be a sure sign that God exists and He can make anything happen.

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Well, I knew that Jason “Oooh! Twinkies!” Whitlock was a tool, but I didn’t know he was a brazen tool.

Thanks to The Big Lead for pointing out that Jason “Momma Says Crisco Is A Condiment” Whitlock has Notre Dame ranked 9th in his latest AP Poll ballot. This means he has us ranked behind 2-loss teams Texas, LSU, and Oklahoma.

Do not trust this man, Ladies. You’ll just end up hurt, lied to, and covered in butter.

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No. It’s just Matthew Zemek of College Football News.

He Who Smells Like Bad Eggs of the tribe Getsnolink writes of Quinn’s worth for Heisman consideration:

Let’s not insult anyone’s intelligence here: while, as a matter of political analysis of the real situation, Brady Quinn is indeed second to Smith in the Heisman race, it is also true that in a non-political assessment of raw football merits, Quinn hasn’t done a fraction of what other Heisman contenders have done in 2006… not yet, anyway. Quinn got punked by Michigan in the money game of Notre Dame’s season to date. He struggled mightily before leading one very impressive drive in the final minutes against UCLA, a decent but hardly spectacular team. He played horribly at Michigan State and got his bacon saved only by a few interceptions — one of them a pick-six — by his defense against a Spartan team that completely crumbled.

Quinn couldn’t even light up the scoreboard in a really big way against Stanford, and the Irish scored just 13 points in the first 27 minutes of their game against Army on Saturday.

Pat White lit up Louisville on the road at night without a healthy Steve Slaton.

Darren McFadden has overwhelmed most of the SEC defenses that have come his way.

Colt Brennan has posted numbers, if numbers mean a darn in this game.

Note to Matthew, it was Louisville. Call me when they field a defense. Meanwhile, stop buying into this media-machine-hype over the SEC. Are you a hypocrite or an idiot? And Colt Brennan plays for Hawaii. How many top QBs end up playing all-pro games after they leave Hawaii again?

PS: Do any lawyers know if I can sue College Football News for just absolutely sucking at life?

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Here is Todd McLame’s take on the Heisman race to date, focusing in on his #1 and #2 Smith and Quinn, respectively:

1. Troy Smith, QB, Ohio State
Troy Smith had his worst showing of the season in a near miss versus Illinois two weeks ago, but he recovered nicely with a four-touchdown outing in the Buckeyes’ drubbing of Northwestern on Saturday. Some argue against Smith because Ohio State’s schedule wasn’t overly difficult and because Smith’s numbers are short of exceptional. I completely disagree. Smith has transformed his game from a run-first quarterback to a patient pocket passer with pinpoint accuracy as a senior. He has shown tremendous poise and leadership in tough road trips to Austin, Texas, and — at the time — Iowa City, Iowa, and the statistic that outweighs all others is his ridiculously impressive touchdown-to-interception ratio of 26-to-4. If he leads the Buckeyes to a perfect regular-season record with a win over an undefeated Wolverines team Saturday, Smith should be the runaway winner.

2. Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
As expected, Quinn continues to put up big numbers versus marginal competition. Since the embarrassing home loss to Michigan in the third week of the season, Quinn has thrown 23 touchdown passes, compared with just one interception. Although the Michigan loss left an indelible stain and his numbers since then admittedly are inflated, Quinn does have some memorable Heisman-like moments so far this season, including comebacks versus Georgia Tech, Michigan State and UCLA. If Smith and the Buckeyes come up short against the Wolverines on Saturday, Quinn will have a golden opportunity to swing the vote his way one week later when the Irish travel to the Coliseum to take on the Trojans.

Here are my problems with these two paragraphs, and they both come down to the unwritten yet extremely clear anti-ND bias at ESPN/ABC, all because of Notre Dame’s contract with NBC. I digress, so here’s the issue: McShay changes his language and tone to play up Smith, and to play down Quinn. And then he glosses over the stats that make Quinn seem the better candidate.

Example 1: Unfair/Biased Evaluation of Competition.

McShay says that Smith should be the #1 contender even though OSU’s ’schedule wasn’t overly difficult’. But then he goes on to bash Quinn because he is ‘putting up big numbers against marginal competition’. Umm, wait, isn’t that what Smith is doing if tOSU’s schedule isn’t that tough? Am I missing something? Am I ON CRACK AGAIN? But, McShite continues on that Smith showed great poise in tough road trips against Texas and ‘at the time’, Iowa. But didn’t Texas lose again this week, to terrible opposition? And hasn’t Iowa crapped the bed all season? If you want to talk about ‘at the time’, well fine. But do it on both sides – Quinn played against 4 undefeated teams ‘at the time’ and came out 3-1. With the single loss to the #2 team in the country. Not so bad, eh?

Example 2: Insane Use of Stats

As if that’s not bad enough, the ‘journalist’ goes on to say that ‘the statistic that outweighs all others is his ridiculously impressive touchdown-to-interception ratio of 26-to-4.’ Well man, you know, that’s pretty good. But I’m confused, bc Quinn has a ratio of 29 touchdowns to 4 interceptions. ISN’T THAT BETTER? 29-4 IS better than 26-4, right? So if Smith has a ‘ridiculously impressive’ ratio, what does Quinn have? A SUPER-CRAZY-RIDICULOUS-INSANE ratio? Nope, McLoser doesn’t mention this.

Why would he? I mean, it’s just another fact that would go against his lame-duck argument he concocted to keep the anti-ND bias running at ESPN. You go McGirl. You go.

The end result is that Quinn makes his team better. We have a mediocre running game, a porous defense and a terribly inconsistent offensive line. The award goes to the best player in the land (presumably). We have a QB that MAKES this team. That, to me, defines “Heisman”.

It should be a close race, but it won’t be since ESPN jumped on the Smith bandwagon.

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Fox Sports is letting the interns do the writing again. This time, the intern’s name is Eric Moneypenny (He get’s no link because he’s about as intelligent as a dirty diaper). That myspace purchase must be cutting into their budget for quality writers, because this is about as bad as it gets.

Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish won convincingly over Air Force, 39-17. We’ll shoot ‘em 25 style points for that. However, the game was televised on CSTV, not NBC, meaning that roughly 20,000 Notre Dame or Air Force grads actually saw it. Sorry Notre Dame, but NBC bumping you for NASCAR during your potential run to the BCS title game is gonna cost you 25 style points.

Notre Dame’s final tally: Zero style points.

NEWSFLASH, Fart Bubble, IT WASN’T A ND HOME GAME. THUS IT WASN’T ON NBC. THUS YOU ARE AS BRAINLESS AS YOU ARE DICKLESS.

Eric Moneypenny

Eric Moneypenny gets to write for Fox Sports, so his mommy can point out how proud she is to the bridge group. That’ll get Eric 10 style points. But Eric knows shite about anything related to sports, and thus his columns suck with the power of a mythological vortex, and it embarasses his mother without her even knowing about it. That’ll cost him 3,000 style points.

Eric Moneypenny’s final tally: -2,990 style points.

Let the big boys write, Eric. You’re making your mother cry, and your Rainbow Brite doll needs tending.

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Chris Fowler, also known as “the guy who knows so little about football that he leaves the analysis to Lee Corso,” made a fascinating comment tonight in regards to just how good Rutgers is relative to Notre Dame. I didn’t hear it, but here’s what I’ve gathered off the ever reliable pool of information I like to call “the internet.”

“Rutgers destroyed Navy more than Notre Dame did.”

News Flash: Destroying an Academy is now a basis for judgement of worth in the BCS System. It’s the little known “How Much Did You Wipe The Floor With An Academy” variable that all the coolest computer models are now using.

“They make Corso and I ride together so I wont get lost.”

Teams who have not destroyed the Naval Academy this year include:

• USC
• Texas
• Michigan
• The Ohio State

Rutgers would own these guys.

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I’m just not sure what to do with this. Jason Whitlock moved over to AOLSports.com after being booted from Dear Leader in Sports for pointing out the obvious about a couple of his fellow ESPNers. And now The Big Lead has pointed out that the Hostess Spokesman has ripped open a can of whuppas (gets a link for this single merit) on Mitch Albom in his hysterically titled new column “Real Talk.”

What do we do? For whom do we cheer? This is like picking sides in the annual Miami/FSU game. Maybe it’s more apt to ask this: If Iran and North Korea start bombing the crap out of eachother, for which side do you cheer?

If Mitch and Jason were in a death match, what’s the best possible outcome? I figure if Jason lost, it would suddenly be a lot cheaper to feed the starving. But if Mitch were to die, the overall level of misery in the world would take a dip simply from the news of the event, possibly leading to the end of war.

Darfur – Could really benefit here.

TBL also pointed out that Sonar hasn’t touched his blog for weeks. I’m taking personal responsibility for that. You’re welcome, people of Earth.

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He’s at it again.

In Stewie Mandel’s latest power rankings (link redacted because he doesn’t deserve one), which I really, really know I just shouldn’t care about, Stewart Mandel has ranked ND #13 with this justification:

“Good teams win games like that,” Charlie Weis said of the UCLA victory. No argument here. Great teams, however, don’t require miracle rallies to beat the Bruins or Michigan State, don’t get outgained by Purdue, don’t lead Stanford 14-3 at halftime and don’t lose to 47-21 to anyone.

Ok. So then let’s look at what the better teams on his “power rankings” have done this season…

• #12 Louisville – Well, besides not actually beating anyone of significance, they let Syracuse(!) come within a score of upsetting them.
• #11 Cal – Um, Washington took them into overtime this past weekend. That’s Ty Willie’s Washington.
• #10 Arkansas – Absolutely BLOWN OUT by USC. If great teams don’t lost 47-21, can they lose 50-14?
• #9 Clemson – Lost to B-Freaking-C.
• #8 Auburn – Lost to Stewie’s #10 Arkansas. Nearly lost to USC. No. The other USC.
• #7 Tennessee – Took right to the wire by Air Force, and Alabama.
• #6 USC – Close games with WSU, Washington(!), and Arizona State. Washington would have won had anyone on the planet not named Ty Willingham, Bob Davie, Bill Callahan, or Karl Dorrell been coaching them.
• #5 Texas – Lost to tOSU 24-7 in a game that wasn’t actually that close and then taken down to the wire by that West Coast Offensive Juggernaut, Nebraska.
• #4 Florida – Lost to #8 Auburn. Nearly lost to #7 Tennessee. Are actually a very good SEC team, but that doesn’t set the bar as high as everyone wants to think it does.
• #3 West Virginia – Has played, to date: Marshall, Eastern Washington, Maryland, East Carolina, Miss. St., Syracuse, and Conn. Granted, they’ve not lost, but that’s a high ratio of the word “East” in their schedule. If they’re #3, then where is Rutgers?

I have no quibble with his #s 1 and 2. That’s where I’d place Michigan and Ohio State, despite neither one being affiliated with the SEC.

It’s not so much that I think the ranking of 13 is wrong. It’s that his methods are flawed on a logical level that a pre-schooler could grasp. Which leads me to believe that he’s either lacking the intellect of a pre-schooler or he has some bias. I doubt he lacks the intellect of a pre-schooler, at least a majority of them, so I have to believe he has an ulterior motive.

I’ll say it. Sewart Mandel hates Catholics.

And small, green men.

And babies.

And fun.

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This is getting to be a cosmic joke. Pat, making sure that everyone understands he wouldn’t do this sort of thing for just any conference, reminds doubters…

This was the seventh week of the season, and at least one Southeastern Conference team has lost in each one. Now, after a deafening night in the Loveliest Little Village on The Plains, the body count is complete in the Bloody South.

Twelve teams. No unbeatens. Nobody left standing tall in the national championship chase.

Let the lesser leagues, where the athletes are less swift and the hitting is less violent, rejoice.

…

We’re barely past the halfway point in 2006, and the league that considers itself without peer must pursue the crystal football from the outside once again.

And of coure, Tommy Potatoville didn’t let 3 seconds tick past after Aubrun defeated Florida until he started to cry bloody murder about the unfairness of it all…

“That’s why we need a playoff,” said Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville. “It’s just so unfair to this conference. To go undefeated, it’s got to be a miracle. You’ve got to be lucky, and then everyone’s going to start politicking.

“That’s the way it is, and probably the way it’s going to be every year. It’s just so tough.”

Tommy, you’re dumber than ass spittle if you believe that. You big, stupid pansy. Why didn’t God do you a favor and ensure you were beaten by bigger kids on a daily basis for no reason back in highschool? It’s unfair!? You’re gonna coach big-time college football and then bitch about how it’s all just so unfair? How sheltered were you while growing up? I can’t believe you have time to cry this much whilst still breast feeding.
Still, Pat Forde, like all whores must, as they are still people too, possesses a few elements of worth. This time he’s made a some good points, but I’m not sure he meant to do it. I list them and add my own viewpoints here…

1. Officiating in College Football is a joke. Way before the NCAA should move to a playoff system (something I’m not actually against), the NCAA needs to eliminate conference-based officiating teams. There should be a single national pool of officials. They should also be paid well enough to make it a full-time job.
2. Urban Meyer has taken one of the best QBs in the land (Leak) and destroyed him in order to put his own Pop Warner ripoff genius system in play. This guy must have an ego that rivals Terrel Owens without the side of practicallity. When Leak’s a 3rd round pick this spring, he’ll have The Turtle to thank. Meanwhile, which organ do you think will fail first in the body of Tim Tebow? I’m betting kidney. That disease that ruined Rocky’s career after he defeated the Russian is gonna rear it’s ugly head for Timmy!. Hey future NFL Star QBs currently playing in highschool, you really want to play in this offense? Hell, even Gator fans don’t recognize you afterwards.

Remember the Conference, Schmonference Theorems…

• Conference, Schmonference Theorem #1: Conference Affiliation Doesn’t Make a Team Good.
• Conference, Schmonference Theorem #2: Conference Teams That Tear Eachother Apart In Conference Play Might Belong To An Excellent Conference, But They’re Just As Likely To Belong To A Mediocre Conference.

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Ivan is clearly upping his dosage.  Maybe he could contact Urban Meyer’s boys for some helpful hints.

At any rate, Ivan has this to say about the Notre Dame/Michigan Game less than a month after the event actually took place under his “biggest moments of the half-season” heading.

3. Michigan blows out Notre Dame in South Bend
It seems like a long time ago now, since the Wolverines are ranked fourth in the nation and are looking unstoppable. But don’t forget that they went into Notre Dame Stadium having lost three of four to the Irish. The natives, as well as everyone else, had begun to question coach Lloyd Carr.

It didn’t take long to figure out this was not the same Meeshigan. Prescott Burgess stepped in front of Brady Quinn’s second pass, intercepted it and returned it 32 yards for a touchdown. Exit crowd noise, exit momentum, exit the Irish — and by the time Michigan led 34-14 at the half, exit the Carr doubters. Michigan cruised to a 47-21 victory, and everything is copacetic in the land of maize and blue.

Ok.  Ivan,..  Ivan.  Over here, Ivan.  Ivan, take the pencil out of your ear.  No, Ivan, that’s not a telephone.  I…  Ivan, Elvis has been dead a long time now.  No.  No, I don’t think the stars are really watching us.  Ivan, put down the burrito for a second.
Ivan, do you remember writing this piece?  Yeah?  good.  Ok, so do you know what’s wrong with it then?  No?  Well, Ivan, you made a teenie, weenie little misrepresentation here.  Yeah.  Yeah, that’s right.  Misrepresentations ARE bad.  That’s good Ivan.

See, Burgess didn’t really “step in front” of Brady Quinn’s  second pass.  No.  See, he was actually beaten on the play.  He just got lucky when John Carlson failed to make the catch and let the ball tip off his fingers.  Yeah.  It’s ok.  No.  Don’t cry, Ivan.  It’s ok.  You’re supposed to be here.  Yeah.  I know.  I know.

And there’s another little part about the crowd noise exiting with the momentum for the Irish.  It didn’t really happen that way, did it?  No.  Can you tell me how it really happened?  That’s right.  ND got momentum back almost immediately, but then couldn’t stop turning the ball over or stop Mario Manningham.  Yeah.  That’s good.  See, Ivan, we’re just trying to point these things out so that you don’t mislead your readers.  We don’t know why on earth you’d want to do that.

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And columnist Mike Freeman of CBS Sportsline is rocking the boat because of it.

EDSBS is not happy to see The Turtle being given an ad hominem wedgie, and so they strike back at Freeman in gory fashion. All that’s missing is the grainy black and white film and some chocolate syrup for blood.

I must increase this bust!

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It’s amazing, the power of words. For example, take Gene Menez’s description of the devastating precision with which Brady Quinn picked apart the Stanford defense this past weekend:

This was a typical Quinn-like effort: Attack different parts of the field, get multiple receivers involved (seven, in the case Saturday) and methodically move the ball downfield. The Watchman raised this question last year at this time and is wondering again: Has coach Charlie Weis made Quinn or does Quinn make Weis? I lean to the former.

So Brady Quinn goes and has the sort of game that makes NFL scouts purchase bibs for all their drooling, and Gene “Don’t I Look Cute In This Hat” Menez manages to describe it as “typical.” Sure, he said, “typical Quinn-like effort.” But you still see the connotation for which Gene “I Just Love Elton’s Latest Single” Menez was aiming.

Here’s some news for ya, Gene “Mmmmm. Don’t You Just Love These Appletinis?” Menez, the Heisman is supposed to go to the best college football player in the land, not the guy with the most ESPN-onic inducing highlights. Quinn’s becoming a QB that plays the game at another level. He could be playing in the NFL today, and Notre Dame fans should be thanking their lucky stars that he’s not. Quinn probably wont win the Heisman because people like you, Gene “Do You Think He’ll Like It If I Get Some Highlights?” Menez, don’t understand football enough to understand how good Quinn really is.

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Well, I knew my joy over the Jason Whitlock firing could only last a short while. I just learned today that Mitch “I Can Hear You Thinking About Me” Albom (a.k.a. Sonar) has a blog. Yup, the net is now infected. Time to update the ole’ anti-virus software.

And true to form, the guy’s first ever post makes an effort to temper the excitement of Notre Dame fans for the Irish OMG-JohnElsmith-is-the-suck-why-did-they-stop-passing-it-he’s-gonna-get-fired-soon comeback of last weekend. Way to use that new technology to really jump out ahead of the curve with breaking news, Mitch.

Now that Whitlock is gone from ESPN, I’m making Mitch my next target in my genius plan. He’ll soon be left trying to do another book tour for “Tuesdays with Morrie (The really, really special edition where I confess to my crush.)” It’ll be wonderful.

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Sure, the headline could apply to our miracle come-from-behind-oh-my-God-does-John-Elsmith-suck-at-coaching-look-at-him-cry! win at MSU, but actually, there’s bigger news this week…

Huge news, in fact. Every week, it seems more and more likely that I can once again watch ESPN without going into some spastic fit induced by moron talking-heads, the overkill of onomatopoeia in play-by-play, and columnists with less actual sports knowledge than my dog posing as “sports journalists.”

Jason Whitlock has been fired from ESPN. ALL of ESPN.

I’d link to the story that explains what happened, but the one I found is by the Majority Share-Holder of Hostess himself, and I don’t wish to give him a link, so feel free to google it if you don’t believe me.

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