TACOMA, Wash.–Tacoma resident Pete Costello has been pretending for the last twenty years that he is mentally retarded so that his mother could collect disability checks due to his “condition.” He and his mother are now being prosecuted for fraud after Social Security workers became suspicious.

Costello was able to pull off the ruse for twenty years by casting his annual vote for the NCAA’s Heisman Trophy, and lobbying strongly for clearly inferior football players. Costello was instrumental in obtaining Heismans for Jason White, Chris Weinke, Danny Wuerffel, and Gino Torretta.

Costello had also been a strong supporter of Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith. Costello had cast his ballot for Smith for the Heisman, for the Walter Camp Award, given to the nation’s best player, and for the Davey O’Brien Award, given to the nation’s best quarterback, despite Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn’s superior numbers on a far less-talented team. When questioned about his selections, Costello said, “What can I say? I’m retarded.”

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• A Book for Hannah
• Bile. Blood. Chicken Bones.
• RMN: Preseason prognosis calls for Irish sweepstakes

EAST LANSING, Mich.–It’s official. Spartan football coach John The Smith will not be retained after the 2006 season.

It’s over, Johnny.
In honor of his great legacy and in preparation of his impending unemployment, HLS has compiled the following list of jobs which might be more suitable for a man of Smith’s abilities:

1. Howard Dean campaign manager
2. Assist in the completion of Crazy Horse Memorial in South Dakota
3. Intern: Bethlem Royal Hospital
4. Backup singer for Gnarls Barkley
5. Terrell Owens’ P.R. assistant

Please feel free to pile on add on to this list.

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• Dan Fouts, We Hardly Knew Ye
• Big Time “Throwback” Inside Linebacker is Irish
• Friday Roundup: Bond. James Bond.

EAST LANSING, Mich.–Jahn El Smythe’s days in East Lansing may be numbered. And that number may be one. Michigan State has called a press conference to take place at 1:30 p.m. EST to “discuss the coaching situation.” Possible coaching topics for the press conference were revealed exclusively to HLS.

1. John L. Smith or Tom Cruise: Whose Issues are Bigger?
2. Stumbling Upon Your Ass: Things to do When Looking for a Hole in the Ground
3. Protecting the 50-Yard Line: The 35-Yard Line of 2006
4. Nick Saban: Can We Get Him Back After He Burns Out in the NFL?
5. Masochism: Stop Hitting Yourself!
6. Flag Planting and You
7. Dealing with Ann Arbor: The Bitch to the Southeast

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• After LSU’s Sugar Bowl Win, Rules of College Football Explained to Miles
• Press Conference Set for Thursday at 1:00 p.m.; Minter, Polian Seen Purchasing Greyhound Tickets
• Gary Barnett Can’t Find a Job. There is a God.

GLENDALE, Ariz.–While Bears fans Monday night might have been disappointed that they did not see the abrupt end of Matt Leinart’s career, they were certainly delighted to see the Bears escape University of Phoenix stadium with a win and 12 credits toward their M.S. in Nursing and Health Care Administration.

Some questionable playcalling by the Cardinals allowed the undefeated Bears to overcome a 23-3 third-quarter deficit and beat the Cardinals 24-23.

After the game, Cardinal coach Dennis Green talked about the loss, his team’s second in a row after leading both games 14-0 in the first quarter.

When asked after the press conference what Green meant, he said, “I mean we knew what they were going in!  Undefeated!  And we still know!  Crown that!”

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• Friday Roundup: The For God’s Sake Stop Feeding The Dragon Edition
• Paul Hornung Loses Pants, Hilarity Ensues
• Flames, Meet Fuel: The Notre Dame QB Situation

Apparently a laptop containing the Auburn offensive gameplan was stolen from the team hotel while everyone was celebrating their “beating” of South Carolina. The laptop is valued at - get this - $15,000…I’m guessing the rep that sold that machine made a $13,000 “commission” on the sale. Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville had this to say about the incident:

“The police identified him as looking like somebody that they see around the mall all the time,” Tuberville said. “It had nothing to do whatsoever with South Carolina or any of that. We’re getting calls about that. It didn’t have anything to do with the game, but somebody out there’s got a nice $15,000 computer that doesn’t know how to get into it.”

The HLS CSI unit has made a break in the case and uncovered that the laptop was stolen by not one person but a gang of “people we see around the mall all the time”:

Spurrier hired us…and paid us in Bratz.

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• The HLS Totally Non-Homer Top 25 - Week 2: “Don’t Blame Me” Edition
• Ian Williams is Irish
• The HLS Totally Non-Homer Top 25 - Preseason Edition: #15 - Auburn

HELL–The Devil, tired of dealing with “a bunch of jerks,” refused entrance to his Dark Kingdom to controversial Cowboys’ wide receiver Terrell Owens. “No way. F@#$ that guy,” the Devil said after Owens tried to kill himself Tuesday night by overdosing on painkillers. “He’s so full of himself! God, what a douche,” the Devil said, while feasting on the entrails of a serial rapist.

Any takers down there? No?

Owens, afraid that the spotlight had shifted slightly off center from his gleaming teeth, took five painkiller pills Tuesday night, hiding the rest unmarked in his sock drawer. Owens also insured that he had a friend within groaning distance of his suicide attempt, causing experts to speculate that Owens’s “suicide” attempt was actually a cry for help.

The Devil quickly dispelled those rumors. “Oh, no. We just didn’t want that c@#$smoker down here,” the Devil said, causing one reporter’s eyes to turn to jelly in his presence. “Me, Hitler, Ivan, Stalin, and Genghis have our own little thing going on down here. We don’t need that showboating @$$hole messing up our dynamic,” the Devil said, his words turning the afternoon sky black and causing fountains to run red with blood. “Plus, his contract is ridiculous,” the Devil quipped, as the earth split, swallowing whole a nearby church.

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• T.O. Writes Children’s Book…Paris Hilton Opens Daycare
• Charlie Visits the Troops
• The New Clock Rules Shorten Games and Lengthen Ads? Duh.

COLUMBUS, OHIO—It has been more than four days since former Ohio State running back and future ESPN studio analyst Maurice Clarett pled guilty to aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon, the punishment for which will be at least three and a half years in prison. Yet at the internet site, Her Loyal Sons, which covers college football from a Notre Dame viewpoint, not a single article about Clarett could be found.

Model citizen Maurice Clarett shows off his new uniform.

“Well, I heard this story about a panda, and it was a hilarious drunk story, so I went with that instead of the Clarett thing,” HLS contributor Bad Kermit said. “Get drunk and try to hug a panda versus get drunk and threaten to cap a guy in the face with his choice of one of four guns. Actually, I guess both stories are pretty good,” Kermit said.

HLS contributor DomerMQ was still delirious after the Notre Dame Fighting Irish’s Saturday loss to the Michigan Wolverines. When DomerMQ caught up to himself for comment, he said, “But…they suck. They suck so much. How-? They suck.”

The Biscuit, another HLS contributor, did not have time to do a write-up on the Clarett story because he was too busy trying to purchase the screenplay rights to the story. “I’m going to call it, ‘The Maurice Clarett Story,’” Biscuit said.

ChisND was off on an investigative report, desperately trying to find out whether longtime Notre Dame supporter Marco was, in fact, a closet Michigan fan.

In order to remedy this situation, HLS offers the following joke:

Maurice Clarett is sitting in English 101 at the Ohio State University. His professor asks him, “Maurice, what comes after a sentence?” Maurice replies, “An appeal.”

For the record, the correct answer is, “Sodomy.” Enjoy prison, Maurice.

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• If You Watch This, And You Still Don’t Get It…
• The Cardinal: Our Band is a Bunch of @$$’s
• The Saga Continues…

HLS spies deep within East Lansing have managed to return a picture of MSU’s beloved Megaphone Trophy:

It should now be quite obvious to everyone why the Irish did not bring the trophey to last years game (that shade of pink clashes with our gold helmets of course).

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• Friday Roundup
• Urban Meyer Does Not Possess a National Championship Trophy
• Report: WVU’s Ceremonial “Firin’ and Torchin’ Torch” Spotted

If last year’s flag-planting incident has failed to incite the Notre Dame football team to near-riotous levels of bloodlust, perhaps they should read this article. If you’re like me, you’re way too lazy to click that link, so let me sum it up. A drunk Chinese tourist climbed into the panda pen at the Beijing Zoo because he wanted to touch Gu Gu, a six-year-old male panda bear. When he got closer and Gu Gu didn’t react, he decided to hug him. Now, the following is a list of animals with “bear” in the title which are safe to hug:

1. koala bear
2. Dick Butkus
3. a barenaked lady

Note the absence of the panda bear. To make a long story short, man startles panda; panda bites man’s leg. Man attempts to kick panda with good leg. Man no longer has any good legs. Man bites panda’s back (He learned it by watching you, Marv Albert). Hose sprays panda. Bloody man removed from panda pen.

Panda 2, Man 1

Can we get this guy to East Lansing in time for Saturday’s game? If he can stand, he’d give a hell of an inspirational speech about revenge.

As an aside, Panda Express should really capitalize on this by introducing a new, cold dish called “Revenge.”

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• MSU Players Show Why They’re at MSU
• The LSU Series: An Overview, or: “Even Bob Davie Beat LSU”
• Dillon Pep Rally Tonight - Crackhead’s Revenge

Ok, so I just made up the name of the compeition. But it may well become a feature here at HLS if we keep finding little nuggets like the items below. And with Ron Zook, Ty Willingham, Chuck Amato, Llloyd Carr, and Chan “Who’s Calvin Johnson?” Gailley still coaching at the collegiate level this year, we should have quite a competition on our hands.

So here are our first 2 nominees…

Apparently Ralph Friedgen and the University of Maryland offered WVU “OMFG HE SO FAST! HERCULES! WOOSH!” Running Back Steve Slaton and Slaton accepted with enthusiasm. But then Maryland yanked the offer and let a local news station break the news to Steve. It’s one thing to go and pull a scholie on an eventually great football player, but another thing to do it and “forget” to tell him about it. It’s no big deal really, just 23 TDs in 9 starts.

Up Next, we’ve got Ron “I’m the Head Coach As Long As My Name’s On The Door” Zook doing for punting what Rockne did for passing, inversed.

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• Friday Roundup: The Alleged Edition
• Friday Roundup: The “Cinnamon Sugar Bagles are the Best Bagles. Disprove It.” Edition
• Tens Expected to Turn Out for Fighting Illini Meet ‘n Greet Tour