A House Divided. By Idiots.
Nope. This week’s page burner on The Observer is about whether or not grad students should be included in away-game ticket lotteries. Apparently, about 8 of the available USC tickets went to grad students (I was not one of the chosen people) thus infuriating a few undergrads, who infuriated a few grads, who infuriated some undergrads some more, even further infurating the grad students, and ultimately infuriating me.
Oh my! A house divided and alas, I am but a torn Double Domer! Whose colors do I wear? Do I forsake my current program to join the ranks of those in my beloved Alma Mater? My heart is torn in two! I don’t know what to do and miss the good old days. I just want to lay down and cry. Boo hoo. Hoo hoo.
False.
I am amused. I am surrounded by idiots in both the 18 and 28-year-old varieties. And as I laugh I only hope that my assumptions that U.S. News and BusinessWeek don’t subscribe to The Observer are correct.
The argument: A lot of grad students live off campus, and thus are not “a testament to the togetherness Notre Dame facilitates.” A lot of grad students are international and don’t even understand Football. A lot of grad students have families and can’t travel to California. It is too far. Won’t somebody think of the children? The conclusion: No tickets for grad students.
I read the editorial while holding back tears of joy. In this kid I see the future. The future of the sweet, hilariously fascist editorial I have been waiting my whole academic life to publish. I envision writing about taking ticket rights from the stupid, the female, the tall, the North-Quad based. The elderly, the married, the Asian, the out-of-state, the practicing Catholic, the Tabis. But does my article get published? No. My response has been scooped by other students.
The counter-argument: Grad students have feelings too. There is already enough social injustice on this campus. I feel more at home here than I have anywhere in my entire life. I bought 11 of this year’s “The Shirt.” The conclusion: Tickets for grad students.
Wow. 11. So is everybody an idiot or just the extremely passionate? For my own sake, I hope that this week’s sample of retards (it’s not funny to call people retards if they’re really retarded) writers is not reflective of the student body. For The Observer’s sake, I hope that today’s students just no longer get shot in the leg for pissing on townies’ front doors. God bless that guy. He might have been an ass, but at least he was newsworthy.
All records at the Where’s My Pants Hall of Fame were previously dominated by game pioneers Bad Kermit, ChisND and Peej. With one desperate, last-minute maneuver, Hornung now owns them all, including “Exposing yourself in front of the most policemen,” “Most racist underwear,” and “Biggest racing stripe.”