SOUTH BEND, Ind.–Notre Dame officials announced Thursday that they will be selling season tickets to alumni, donors, and others affiliated with the University for the first time in thirty years. Five thousand such tickets will be sold at a cost of approximately $413, plus an annual “fee” of anywhere from $1,250 to $2,000, depending on the location of the ticket.

The question Irish alumni are asking themselves is, “Who will have first dibs on the tickets?”

It is widely documented that Notre Dame officials are well known for their successful distribution schemes. Notre Dame representatives were responsible for distribution at several historical events:

Fear not, nerds, there are plenty of Xbox 360s for all of you!

Hey, do we have any ammo left?

You! Boy! How long can you tread water?

Mrs. Donner? Can you pass me another piece of buffalo?

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HELL–The Devil, tired of dealing with “a bunch of jerks,” refused entrance to his Dark Kingdom to controversial Cowboys’ wide receiver Terrell Owens. “No way. F@#$ that guy,” the Devil said after Owens tried to kill himself Tuesday night by overdosing on painkillers. “He’s so full of himself! God, what a douche,” the Devil said, while feasting on the entrails of a serial rapist.

Any takers down there? No?

Owens, afraid that the spotlight had shifted slightly off center from his gleaming teeth, took five painkiller pills Tuesday night, hiding the rest unmarked in his sock drawer. Owens also insured that he had a friend within groaning distance of his suicide attempt, causing experts to speculate that Owens’s “suicide” attempt was actually a cry for help.

The Devil quickly dispelled those rumors. “Oh, no. We just didn’t want that c@#$smoker down here,” the Devil said, causing one reporter’s eyes to turn to jelly in his presence. “Me, Hitler, Ivan, Stalin, and Genghis have our own little thing going on down here. We don’t need that showboating @$$hole messing up our dynamic,” the Devil said, his words turning the afternoon sky black and causing fountains to run red with blood. “Plus, his contract is ridiculous,” the Devil quipped, as the earth split, swallowing whole a nearby church.

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EAST LANSING—Michigan State Spartan football coach John L. Smith snarled as he forced the media to watch the play for the twenty third time before his Monday press conference. “You see? You see? No one slaps Weis! No one! No one is even close!” Smith sprang from his chair excitedly, “His head moves back and to the left! Back and to the left! Back and to the left! My players are all right-handed!”

The play which riled up the diminutive Smith occurred last Saturday in the Spartans’ loss to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. The officials called a questionable late hit on Spartan quarterback Drew Stanton as he was heading toward the sidelines in front of the Notre Dame bench. The hit sparked a physical altercation between several of the Spartan players and the Irish players. During the melee, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis was struck in the face by one of the players, and Weis informed the officials that he had been hit.

After the game, Weis clarified that he was not accusing the Spartan players of hitting him, and even suggested that the blow may have been “friendly fire.” But Weis’s words did not stop the ravings of the madman.

“He’s a liar!” Smith bellowed at the media, two days after the game and one day after Weis made it very clear that he was unsure whether it was a Spartan or an Irish player who hit him. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! The ‘hit’ could have been a gust of wind or a piece of shrapnel! Who’s to say it wasn’t a ghost? It could have been a ghost! The ghost of Ara Parseghian!” Smith frothed. When Smith was informed that Parseghian was still, in fact, alive, he had no comment.

The last thing that Smith said before leaving the podium for his Monday press conference was, “That Charlie Weis is a liar! I’m glad Lucy always pulled the ball away from him before he could kick it!”

After Smith’s press conference, a persistent reporter from HLS caught up with Smith in the parking lot as he donned a flowing purple robe and whispered incantations to a small rock containing ancient runic markings. When Smith was questioned about his actions, he traced a large circle around himself in the parking lot pavement with the rune. Smith then sat cross-legged in the center of the circle, muttering.

Smith finally explained to HLS, “I don’t want Weis coming after me, so I learned this trick from Aradia,” Smith said, smearing pig blood on his face. “Weis won’t be able to touch me when I’m in here.”

When informed of Smith’s spell, Weis said, “Wait. He did what now?”

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COLUMBUS, OHIO—It has been more than four days since former Ohio State running back and future ESPN studio analyst Maurice Clarett pled guilty to aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon, the punishment for which will be at least three and a half years in prison. Yet at the internet site, Her Loyal Sons, which covers college football from a Notre Dame viewpoint, not a single article about Clarett could be found.

Model citizen Maurice Clarett shows off his new uniform.

“Well, I heard this story about a panda, and it was a hilarious drunk story, so I went with that instead of the Clarett thing,” HLS contributor Bad Kermit said. “Get drunk and try to hug a panda versus get drunk and threaten to cap a guy in the face with his choice of one of four guns. Actually, I guess both stories are pretty good,” Kermit said.

HLS contributor DomerMQ was still delirious after the Notre Dame Fighting Irish’s Saturday loss to the Michigan Wolverines. When DomerMQ caught up to himself for comment, he said, “But…they suck. They suck so much. How-? They suck.”

The Biscuit, another HLS contributor, did not have time to do a write-up on the Clarett story because he was too busy trying to purchase the screenplay rights to the story. “I’m going to call it, ‘The Maurice Clarett Story,’” Biscuit said.

ChisND was off on an investigative report, desperately trying to find out whether longtime Notre Dame supporter Marco was, in fact, a closet Michigan fan.

In order to remedy this situation, HLS offers the following joke:

Maurice Clarett is sitting in English 101 at the Ohio State University. His professor asks him, “Maurice, what comes after a sentence?” Maurice replies, “An appeal.”

For the record, the correct answer is, “Sodomy.” Enjoy prison, Maurice.

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If last year’s flag-planting incident has failed to incite the Notre Dame football team to near-riotous levels of bloodlust, perhaps they should read this article. If you’re like me, you’re way too lazy to click that link, so let me sum it up. A drunk Chinese tourist climbed into the panda pen at the Beijing Zoo because he wanted to touch Gu Gu, a six-year-old male panda bear. When he got closer and Gu Gu didn’t react, he decided to hug him. Now, the following is a list of animals with “bear” in the title which are safe to hug:

1. koala bear
2. Dick Butkus
3. a barenaked lady

Note the absence of the panda bear. To make a long story short, man startles panda; panda bites man’s leg. Man attempts to kick panda with good leg. Man no longer has any good legs. Man bites panda’s back (He learned it by watching you, Marv Albert). Hose sprays panda. Bloody man removed from panda pen.

Panda 2, Man 1

Can we get this guy to East Lansing in time for Saturday’s game? If he can stand, he’d give a hell of an inspirational speech about revenge.

As an aside, Panda Express should really capitalize on this by introducing a new, cold dish called “Revenge.”

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SOUTH BEND—Due to the high volume of sales of the Notre Dame-themed Wheaties box, General Mills has decided to release a Notre Dame-themed series of the popular orange boxes best known for immortalizing prominent figures in sports history.

“We wanted to do something a little bit different and step away from the sports motif a little bit,” GM spokesman Tom Addle said. “We also saw the crazy number of boxes we sold by slapping Notre Dame on the front of them. Did you know I once sold some lady a corn remover for $50 because it had an interlocking ND on it? Of course not. How could you know that? Anyhow, we figured we could capitalize on Notre Dame’s success.”

Or lack of success, as the convenient segue may be. Addle also mentioned that the popular Wheaties slogan, “Breakfast of Champions,” would be modified during the series to read, “Breakfast of 9-3 Teams.”

Wheaties seems reluctant to step entirely away from its sports theme, however. The first box will picture a quarter dog in jogging shorts breaking the tape to cross a finish line. “We expect to draw in a lot of people who long for a hot-dog-flavored breakfast cereal,” Addle explained.

Some of the boxes will pay honor to the students of Notre Dame. One will depict a Notre Dame freshman boy trying to convince a girl that walking to class together does not constitute dating. The box will include a novella explaining the ambiguous and awkward scene. Another box will depict the entire text of Du Lac, the student handbook which frowns upon sexual intercourse and co-educational mingling.

In conjunction with the student-themed boxes, Wheaties will include an S.Y.R. gift prize inside of each box. The gifts will range from Nerf dart guns to entire sets of dining hall utensils.

Other boxes in the series will depict famous scenes in Notre Dame history, such as the Freshman 1000-Yard Dash from Bridget McGuire’s to Campus, the Sextannual Keg Toss and Subsequent Egg “Toss”, and the ever-popular “Dress Up Like Your Fake ID” Halloween Party.

The first box depicting the quarter dog will be released on November 17, 2006, at midnight, retailing in most stores for a quarter. In the Notre Dame Bookstore, it will sell for $8.99.

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ANN ARBOR–Long a target of fans of opposing teams, Ann Arbor has heard it all. Tales of Arbor’s sexual promiscuity have often inspired slogans and t-shirts containing popular phrases like “Ann Arbor is a Whore” or “Whats the difference between Ann Arbor and a porcupine? There are 100,000 pricks on the inside of Ann Arbor.”

“I just want to be left alone,” Arbor said. “Yes, I’ve done some things and some people in the past I’m not proud of, but haven’t we all? And that second joke isn’t even about me!”
Be that as it may, Arbor has certainly taken them on the chin many times during the long and usually flaccid history of Michigan Wolverine football. For as long as Michigan has hung out, Arbor has been there, taking a pounding each week from upwards of fifty incoming football players at once, occasionally even bringing the portly Arbor to her knees with exhaustion. But Arbor plans on giving until she cannot give anymore. “Oh, I’ll keep letting everyone in until the well dries up,” Arbor said. “I’m just a friendly person. That’s the way I was brought up. That, and frequent spankings.”

Arbor says that home weekends are particularly hard on her because of the large capacity of her Big House. It is difficult for Arbor to accommodate upwards of 100,000 people, big and small, coming upon her at once.

If there is one thing Arbor has, other than chlamydia, it is staying power. “I’m not going to stop doing what I’m doing because some people think I’m a whore,” Arbor stated. “It’s nice that we have the weekend off, but I guarantee you that I’ll be here next week, welcoming all those Wisconsin players into my Big House.”

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CHICAGO—Bad Kermit, poster at the wildly popular website, Herloyalsons.com, angered his peers Sunday by regaling them with stories about his experience in Notre Dame Stadium during the Notre Dame-Penn State game Saturday in South Bend.

The Fighting Irish laid a 41-17 pounding on the Nittany Lions, each point of which was watched by Kermit from the 35-yard line of the beautiful confines of Notre Dame Stadium. “I got lucky. I won Southern Cal tickets, my boss really wanted Southern Cal tickets, and I traded with him,” Kermit said, as domer_mq glared at him.

“It’s not like it was a bowl game, or anything,” Kermit stated, as Biscuit stood behind him, sticking his tongue in his cheek and giving the universal sign for “this guy gives head.”

The atmosphere inside the stadium was electric, according to Kermit. “I don’t know if I’ve ever heard the stadium as loud as it was,” Kermit said, failing to notice ChisND’s middle finger over his right shoulder. “They even brought out the terrible towels which, by the way, are selling for over $60 on eBay,” Kermit continued, as Sed manually masturbated the air in front of himself. “How was the atmosphere in the parking lot? Was it good?” Kermit asked Dneelan, who slowly sharpened his pocket knife in response.

Kermit’s view of ND’s 41-17 win over Penn State.

Everyone else’s view of ND’s 41-17 win over Penn State.

“Hey, you guys got to see the OSU-Texas game live,” Kermit told his friends. “I had to watch it after the drive home,” Kermit finished while getting dead-legged. “I already knew what was going to happen,” Kermit said, wincing.

In all, the experience inside Notre Dame Stadium was excellent. “I got to see the first time the team stood in front of the student section for the Alma Mater, which was great,” Kermit said, as domer_mq mouthed those same words behind Kermit’s back a split second after Kermit said them.

“All in all, it was one of the best_ What the hell is Q doing behind my back?” Kermit asked. What indeed, Kermit. What indeed.

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Mike Jensen wrote an interesting piece for The National Philadelphia Inquirer. It appears that Coach Weis’s “arrogance” is rubbing some people the wrong way. The media and opposing coaches must have preferred that guy who got fired for being black rather than inept Tyrone Willingham’s cryptic press conference answers and “Want to get in a quick 18 holes with me?” personality. They probably also enjoyed hanging an easy 35-50 points on his teams.

Hey, media and opposing coaches? We had a rule back in college: If you don’t like it, leave. Except you, Lloyd. Stick around for the beatings. I want to see ND go all “Bears on Brett Favre post-2005″ on you.

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Eric Moneypenny wrote a brilliant piece of shit suggesting that Dave Wannstedt is the “next Pete Carroll.” This begs two questions about Moneypenny:

1. Why did James Bond want to nail this guy?
2. Has this guy ever watched football? At any level?

Having watched Wannstedt film a German Scheisse video all over the Bears’ collective chest coach the Bears badly, I don’t know what Moneypenny is seeing here. My memories of Wannstedt involve a lot of this…

and this…

and this…

and none of this…

He sucked with the Bears, he sucked with the Dolphins, he got dismantled by an underdog Irish squad at home last year. If Dave Wannstedt is the next Pete Carroll, then I’m going to be the first to declare Dick Jauron the next Bear Bryant.

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SOUTH BEND, Ind.–Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis looked over the Georgia Tech roster in preparation for the upcoming game between the Fighting Irish and the Yellow Jackets. Weis, with his “let’s-not-get-ahead-of-ourselves” style, sought something positive to say about the Yellow Jackets’ chances in Saturday’s game. He came up empty.

“Let’s face it. No matter what the media is saying, and no matter how they’re trying to spin this game to make it seem more exciting, we’re just way, way better than Georgia Tech,” Weis said. “I mean, Reggie Ball? Come on. I expect our guys to hang forty-three on them. Remember last year when people were saying the same things about how Pitt was going to beat us?”

When asked whether Tech has any positives going into Saturday’s game, Weis looked to the Georgia Tech sideline. “No. Well, I guess…Jon Tenuta [Tech's defensive coordinator]? He’s okay. He calls a pretty good game against, you know, other people’s offenses. If you want to print that, you can go ahead and print that,” Weis chuckled. “We’re real scared of Jon Tenuta. No. Better yet. Use ‘terrified.’ Yeah. Say we’re ‘terrified’ of Jon Tenuta.”

Weis pointed to more uncertainty about Georgia Tech’s game in the form of new special teams coordinator Charles Kelly. “Kelly came over from Nickel State. If you want a challenge, try Googling ‘Nickel State’ and see if you can figure out where the hell it is. That right there is pretty much all the preparation I think we need on special teams. But, I went ahead and got some tape from Nickel State, anyhow. I think they were a little surprised when I called them, but not as surprised as I was that they actually had tape.”

Weis was able to find more challenges for the Irish on the Tech sidelines. “They also have two backup quarterbacks who are left-handed. And the Latin word for ‘left’ is ’sinister,’ so I guess it’ll be sort of scary when we knock Ball out of the game and one of those guys comes in.”

Through it all, Weis refuses to let his team get overconfident about the game against Georgia Tech. “I told them, they’d better be looking over their shoulders at that sideline on Saturday, because there are going to be some scary guys standing over there watching us play.”

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Maybe all the hype leading up to the hotly-anticipated game between the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish made my hands sweaty. Maybe I wasn’t ready to bump the difficulty up from “Varsity” to “All-American.” Maybe I ran one too many WR screens, trying desperately to beat a heavy Georgia Tech pass rush. All I know is that virtual Brady Quinn on my Xbox 360

got planted. A lot. Like six times. And he threw a late pick with Tech up 22-21 to seal the victory for the Yellow Jackets.

What does this mean? I couldn’t lead NCAA 2007, #2-ranked Notre Dame past NCAA 2007 #25-ranked Georgia Tech. I once finished the original Contra in under an hour with one guy. I beat Halo on legendary. I even beat Goonies 2 for the NES. And I won the National Championship with the Irish in my first season of NCAA 2007 on “Varsity.”

Is this an omen? Is Notre Dame in trouble on Saturday? Or did I lose because I kept making Darius Walker run into his own blockers? Because I can never remember whether “Y” audibles into a halfback draw or a post pattern? Because every time I try to control Tom Zbikowski, I run him horribly out of position and allow a big completion? Because, with the new kicking meter implemented in NCAA 2007, I missed a 23-yard field goal?

I do know that I’m trying again, damnit. I will soundly beat Georgia Tech in my pixelated fantasy world before the real teams go to battle Saturday. I owe it to Irish fans everywhere. And God knows I owe it to virtual Brady Quinn.

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Remember the days when we couldn’t recruit guys who could single-handedly beat Michigan destroy Tokyo? Those days are finally over, guys. Freshman OL Chris Stewart is listed at 6′5″, 367. In honor of Pluto’s abrupt entry into the galactic free agent pool, I’m going to be referring to Pluto as “Stewart” until Pluto finds a new home. That’s right, folks. The “new”-monic shall now be, “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Sandwiches.”

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