Author Archives: Bad Kermit
Samardzija Chooses Pitching Over Catching; Not That There’s Anything Wrong with That
SOUTH BEND, Ind.–Former Notre Dame wide receiver Jeff Samardzija, who was drafted by the Cubs last year, has decided to forgo his football career for a career pitching with the Cubs. Samardzija’s Tommy John surgery has been scheduled for late … Continue reading
The 2006 Year in Review
Q asked me to do a 2006 All-Male Revue, which I thought was a strange request, so I asked him if I might be able to just do a Review of 2006. He reluctantly agreed, so here goes nothing (with … Continue reading
Press Conference Set for Thursday at 1:00 p.m.; Minter, Polian Seen Purchasing Greyhound Tickets
SOUTH BEND, Ind.–The Notre Dame football program has called a press conference scheduled to take place tomorrow, January 11, at 1:00 p.m. in the Guglielmino Auditorium. In unrelated news, Fighting Irish defensive coordinator Rick Minter and special teams coach Brian … Continue reading
Two Phantom Touchdowns Seen Last Night in Tempe; Peter Venkman Called in to Investigate
TEMPE, Ariz.–As the final seconds of the Florida Gator’s 41-14 rout of the Ohio State Buckeyes ticked away, parapsychologist and psychologist Dr. Peter Venkman stood on the sidelines, patiently waiting for his chance to investigate the endzone where, earlier in … Continue reading
After LSU’s Sugar Bowl Win, Rules of College Football Explained to Miles
NEW ORLEANS–As his LSU Tigers celebrated their 41-14 dismantling of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, head coach Les Miles took the opportunity in his post-game press conference to ask some important questions about the game of college football. HLS was … Continue reading
A Christmas (Four) Star
Coach Weis slid down your chimney and left you a gift a little early this year, nabbing four-star safety Harrison Smith out of Knoxville Catholic. Welcome aboard, Harrison! Also, please tell me they’re inflating SAT scores, because the 1850 he … Continue reading
Suck it, MBAs. You too, this guy’s liver.
LOS ANGELES–On behalf of HLS, I would like to extend a “thank you” to this large-handed lad for putting the “gat” back in the Notre Dame tailgater, to “Crazy Tom’s Emporium of Inanity” for pointing it out, and to just … Continue reading
Man Fakes Mental Retardation for 20 Years by Disguising Self as Heisman Voter
TACOMA, Wash.–Tacoma resident Pete Costello has been pretending for the last twenty years that he is mentally retarded so that his mother could collect disability checks due to his “condition.” He and his mother are now being prosecuted for fraud … Continue reading
“Chris Donald Recruiting Video,” Or “How QBs Learned to Start Worrying and Crap Their Pants”
Stick around for the last play, when Donald absolutely destroys a hapless running back before destroying the QB (or possibly vice-versa). It’s down to Notre Dame and Tennessee for this kid? Oh, my.
Musburger Declared Functionally Retarded
COLUMBUS, Ohio–Moments after the Ohio State Buckeyes nipped the Michigan Wolverines by three points in an exciting #1 versus #2 matchup, ABC announcer Brent Musburger was declared functionally retarded by the CIMR. While the CIMR cited several reasons for the … Continue reading
