"Notre Dame," he replied patiently.

"What year?" I asked.

"2009 should do it," he said, through gritted teeth.

"Sport?"

"Football."

"Why are you swinging your fists like that?"

So, here I am, bruised, bloodied, and forced to relive a season which most of you have already forgotten, or that you hope to forget. Won’t you join me on this magical 6-6 journey through the wondrous world of mediocrity?

• April 18, 2009: Charlie Weis surprisingly enters his fifth season as the Notre Dame head football coach with a 29-21 career record, a haircut you could set your watch to, and a wealth of stories about Bon Jovi. A frazzled ND fanbase, on the heels of a disappointing 7-6 season which ended with an impressive bowl victory over Hawaii, falls asleep during one of the most boring scrimmage games since Purdue last played with itself. Notre Dame wins and loses the game, and the universe implodes on itself.
• August 22, 2009: The preseason polls are released, and the city of South Bend suffers a brownout as 10,000 students all log onto ESPN.com to check them. The Fighting Irish are ranked #23 in both the AP and USA Today polls. Verizon stock soars as thousands of texts reading, "We got SCREWED!" are sent.
• September 5, 2009: Notre Dame picks up where they left off in the Hawaii Bowl. They open the 2009 season in Notre Dame Stadium with a 35-0 shellacking of Nevada. Clausen throws for 315 yards and 4 touchdowns in the first (and only) Irish shutout during the Charlie Weis era. Though the NDSP Gestapo crushes any fun the students might have had prior to the game, the five NBC-pumped-up hours are the best the students will experience during the 2009 season.
• September 12, 2009: 18th-ranked Notre Dame enters Ann Arbor (WHO HASN'T, AM I RIGHT?). Eighth-grader Tate Forcier and Weis conspired to give the Wolverines a 38-34 last-minute victory. For as awesome as Clausen was, he couldn't complete two inexplicably called pass plays toward the end of the game, allowing Michigan to save its timeouts for the game-winning drive. That didn't however, stop Chris Webber from running onto the field with 11 seconds remaining and calling Michigan's fourth timeout of the second half.
• September 19, 2009: Notre Dame hits the Michigan difecta as the Michigan State Spartans come to town. The Irish hadn't beaten Michigan State in Notre Dame Stadium since Bill Clinton's first term. The 33-30 win was costly. Michael Floyd suffered a broken collarbone, a tragedy which Notre Dame fans immediately blamed for costing Floyd the Heisman. Kyle McCarthy saves the game for Notre Dame by intercepting a pass at the 4-yard line with less than a minute left to play. He is rewarded with a megaphone, which he uses to shout at the clouds.
• September 26, 2009: Jimmy Clausen has clubfoot, or is comatose from having to play Purdue, or something, so he splits time with Dayne Crist to beat the Boilermakers 24-21 and win a shillelagh, the most boring of all sticks.
• October 3, 2009: In a season already filled with mostly tight victories (all six of them), the Irish outlast the Washington Huskies in overtime, 37-30. Clausen throws for nearly a quarter of a mile and a pair of touchdowns. The spirit of Tyrone Willingham rose up on two separate red zone possessions for the Huskies, who failed to get past the Irish's goal-line stands. Golden Tate goes absolutely ballistic, racking up 244 yards and a touchdown. It takes Notre Dame all of two snaps in overtime to put the game away. After the game, the Irish improve to 4-1, and the Domeheads DEMAND a top 25 ranking entering the Southern Cal game. The pollsters reward them with a bottom-feeding #25 slot.
• October 17, 2009: After getting an extra week to prepare for their annual ass-kicking, the Irish were optimistic as the Trojans came to town. Notre Dame had to beat Southern Cal at some point, right? WRONG! The Irish rallied back from an early deficit, and were down a touchdown with the ball at the Southern Cal 4-yard line and only seconds left to play. Somehow, they only managed to get off three plays (all incomplete passes), and the Irish lost 34-27. The loss was their millionth straight to Southern Cal.
• October 24, 2009: The Notre Dame wait list arrives in South Bend for the Irish's fifteenth rivalry game of the season. Once again, the Irish faced an opponent they hadn't defeated in nearly ten years. The defense, as it was wont to do during the 2009 season, gave up a bunch of big plays, but forced 5 turnovers, the biggest of which was a Brian Smith interception with less than two minutes left to give the Irish their 20-16 win. This game also marked the official start of Charlie Weis snot lip season.
• October 31, 2009: Weirdness abounds on Halloween as the Irish play Washington State in, for some reason, Texas. The Notre Dame players dress up like a team that hates narrow victories and blow out the Cougars 40-14. You likely were paying more attention to the slutty Catholic school girls, slutty girl scouts, and slutty etymologists. Oh, and the 6-2 Irish win for the last time in 2009. DOOM!!!
• November 7, 2009: Navy invades South Bend. France surrenders. Clausen throws for a ridiculous 452 yards, but the Midshipmen continue their two-game winning streak at Notre Dame Stadium. Unfortunately, Clausen also gets sacked with a minute left in the game to give Navy the two points they need to beat the Irish 23-21.
• November 14, 2009: If there is one thing that Dave Wannstedt is good at, it's grooming his facial hair. It's more likely that there are zero things that Wannstedt is good at. However, the Wannstache, who started his career at Pittsburgh the same year that Weis started at Notre Dame, had his Panthers ranked #8 when Notre Dame visited Heinz Field. A late rally by Notre Dame was not enough to put the familiar completely-baffled look on Wannstache's face, and the Panthers hung on to a 27-22 lead to continue the Irish's downward spiral.
• November 21, 2009: I inexplicably and indefensibly go to a game with the thought that even a beleaguered 6-4 Irish team should be able to defeat the 4-5 Connecticut Huskies. Only Notre Dame could find a way to win against the Huskies and lose to them in the same season. It takes two overtimes, but the Huskies hand Notre Dame a 33-30 loss, and Weis' career winning percentage drops ten points below the Davieham line. Former Notre Dame recruit and starting Huskie quarterback Zach Frazer throws for 141 yards and a touchdown as Randy Edsall stands on the sidelines and, in a thick French accent, yells, "Char-LEE! I stole your quarterback!"
• November 28, 2009: The fourteen Notre Dame fans still interested in the 2009 season slog watch as the Irish lose 45-38 to the Cardinal, the stupidest mascot this side of the Green Wave. Heisman hopefuls Toby Gerhart and Jimmy Clausen put on a show. Gerhart rushes for 206 yards and 3 touchdowns, while Clausen throws for 340 yards and 5 touchdowns in his final game in a Notre Dame uniform. As it turns out, the game is also the last for Charlie Weis in a Notre Dame muumuu.
• November 30, 2009: In a move surprising to no one, but nevertheless disappointing to the South Bend Chili's, Notre Dame fires head coach Charlie Weis.
• November 30, 2009 - December 9, 2009: Every Notre Dame-related blog except for Her Loyal Sons runs no fewer than 30 stories about the next head coach at Notre Dame. Prominent names thrown about are Bob Stoops, Urban Meyer, Jim Harbaugh, Pat Fitzgerald, Nick Saban, Knute Rockne, and Jesus Christ. Bob Davie immediately declares himself uninterested for the job as Jack Swarbrick says, "Bob WHO?" The Notre Dame jet is swapped out for Wonder Woman's invisible jet so that it cannot be tracked.
• December 10, 2009: Brian Kelly is named the next head football coach at the University of Notre Dame. Kelly becomes the second head coach who stole a quarterback from Charlie Weis during the 2007 season and then turned around and depantsed him in 2009. Members of the press beg Weis to pull his pants back up. During his introductory press conference, Kelly says the word "Notre" no fewer than six different ways. Though Kelly tells some unforgivably terrible jokes, he also manages to say all of the right things that Notre Dame fans have heard so many times before. Notre Dame fans who had previously declared Kelly "unacceptable" begrudgingly grumble something like, "Yeah, but he's still no Parseghian."

LOS ANGELES- Her Loyal Sons investigative reporters have recently learned that HLS correspondent "Biscuit" is "pretty much resigned, and sort of okay with" Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis returning to coach the team in 2009.

The first indication that Biscuit would eventually support the decision of Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick to retain Weis was on December 1, 2008, when an irate Biscuit, fed up with rumors swirling about Weis' possible dismissal, wrote, "If your true goal is to help ND be the best program it can be, zip it and see how it plays out." Biscuit referred to those supporting Weis' termination as "haters," a surprising departure from his normal usage of the term, "hatas." Biscuit made his position on Weis clear in his first sentence, and accompanying parenthetical: "This isn’t a post on my position about whether or not Weis should be fired. (For the record, it’s ‘no’)."

When Biscuit's post stirred up a hornet's nest of haters and hatas from across the globe, and after Weis' return to the team was officially announced, Biscuit further clarified his stance.

Contrary to what many of you may think, I’m not at all thrilled about Charlie sticking around. I’m not extremely pissed either. I’m very much neutral. Not happy, not depressed. Just accepting.

Yes, I think it was the right decision. No, I do not think that he’s been a great coach.

That settled the heated, ongoing debate on what Biscuit thought of the Weis retention for nearly six hours. Then, Biscuit made "The Case for Keeping Weis."

Please, please, please before you jump all over me, note that I did NOT write “The Case for Weis”. There is a very important distinction there that I have to make clear. This article is not about how great of a coach I think Weis is (he isn’t). It’s not about how much I love him as our coach (I don’t). This article is about pragmatic decision-making and the reasons why Charlie is still (and should be) HC of Notre Dame. It does not mean I’m thrilled with the situation, that I give him a ‘pass’ on things or anything of the sort.

The latest Biscuit clarification calmed the masses for over twelve hours, until a frustrated Biscuit put forth the internet equivalent of "last word," with his simply-titled article, "False". In it, Biscuit got one last most recent shot at the hatas, saying, "Blah blah blah. People had ‘good sources’ that were ‘in the know’ about [Swarbrick's alleged search for a potential replacement for Weis]. Right. The internets (sic) is a great, reliable source full of only factual information!"

Piecing together these various bits of information regarding Biscuit, we have come to one inevitable conclusion. Biscuit is okay (not totally blown away, but not really super-pissed) about Weis' return.

Tyra is awoken late at night by a call from Landry. Landry lost his watch on the guy he murdered and dumped in the river in Episode 1. Isn't that exactly what happened in I Know What You Did Last Summer? What ever happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt? And Sarah Michelle Gellar, for that matter? I hope J-Love guest stars this week and helps Landry and Tyra survive the impending attack from the guy they dumped in the river as he returns for revenge with a fishing hook.

At TMU, we find out that Coach Taylor is sort of the odd man out on the coaching staff. At a coaches' meeting, the head coach tells Taylor that he has to go to a hearing. Apparently, one of the TMU players pulled a Reggie Bush and accepted Justin Timberlake tickets from a booster. The rest of the coaching staff apparently has Taylor's QB coaching job "covered." Ooooooo, burn!

Back at the Taylor home, the new guidance counselor shows up to get advice from Mrs. Taylor. He is also a science teacher. A sweaty, sweaty, sweaty science teacher. Mrs. Taylor is starting to crack under the pressure of the new baby and the missing husband, and she snaps at the science teacher.

At Saracen's house, Landry basically tells Matt to give up on Julie. Don't give up on the "crazy grandma" plot yet, though. Grandma Saracen just ordered a $2400 tiara, because you can't put a price on looking pretty.

Meanwhile, Buddy Garrity is meeting the Dillon coaches at a bar. New Coach doesn't want to do the season opener pep rally at Buddy's car dealership. Oh, I understand. Buddy is getting cut out of his family and his football team. I love parallelism.

At school, Saracen is trying to get in-home care for his grandmother. Julie keeps blowing him off, as do the home care people. Will Saracen ever win anything? You know, other than the state championship?

After leaving in a huff last episode, Riggins is back on the team, but he's going to suffer for it. New Coach gives him 50 laps up the stadium steps. Meanwhile, Landry has made the team, but he's getting clobbered on the field. It's like watching Rudy, except Landry has a chance of touching a breast. Holy crap, Landry's dad is Aaron from 24! What a revelation! Landry's dad is proud of him for making the team, even though it means getting his brains beat in. I don't think Landry has told him about the homicide yet.

At the doctor's office, Jason Street is making improvement, but the doctor crushes his spirit and tells him he won't walk again. Take THAT, former QB1. I think Street has a new wheelchair buddy, who offers him a "guy" who does some experimental stuff. This doesn't bode well.

At the Saracens, grandma is exercising and freaking out at the home nurse, who is kind of a bitch. I predict sexual chemistry between Saracen and the nurse, as she plans on living with the Saracens. Julie will drive Saracen into the arms of a nurse, who is conveniently hot. There have to be unattractive girls in Texas, right?

Coach tries to get Reggie Bush ready for the hearing. Reggie is not sorry. He also has a sweet car, which is probably from a booster. Coach doesn't seem too happy with Reggie, as even he wonders why Coach is at TMU with his new baby.

At the Garrity house, Buddy is trying to pick up the kids under much duress. Duress with the Dillon coaches. Duress with his family. Which will cause Buddy to eat a bullet first?

At her job at the pool, Julie talks to The Swede. Julie is leaving her job. The Swede is not, because he is a burnout, or something. I hope, for his sake, he's not counting on his band paying the bills. The Swede actually rubs the top of Julie's head when he says good bye to her. Good Lord, even I know that's humiliating.

Back at school, Mrs. Taylor has walked all the way from home in 105 degree weather with baby Grace to talk to the guidance counselor. Connie Britton is hot, even when basting in her own sweat. The guidance counselor doesn't appreciate her radiance, and says he's scared of her. In his defense, she is a bit hormonal and a tad "screamy."

Street catches up with Mrs. Taylor as she's leaving and confesses that he's been dreaming about Mrs. Taylor. Me too, brother. In his dreams, though, Mrs. Taylor tells him to get up and walk, and he does. She's also not wearing a leather teddy. Well, she might be, but Street doesn't mention it. Street makes Mrs. Taylor's day. Way to go, Street. She needed that.

Reggie Bush is still giving Coach grief about not being at home with his new baby. Coach has had enough, and he gives Reggie a lecture about not caring about his team and having his area code written on his eye black stickers. Maybe he didn't say that, but Reggie pouts, anyhow.

Now that Landry made the team, he has is own rally girl. She's no Tyra. Landry asks the rally girl if she thinks all human beings are capable of evil, which pisses Tyra off. Tyra wants Landry to act like a man and quit whining just because he killed some dude. You want him to act like a man, Tyra?! He loves you! How about that, Tyra?! How. About. THAT?

At Reggie's hearing, he's schmoozing the board, apologizing, and promising he won't repeat his mistake. Coach ain't buying it. Coach defends him by suggesting that he should take away all of Reggie's booster gifts and make his life miserable for a season. That'll teach him.

Back at the Saracen's, the nurse is cleaning house. Literally. While trying to flip Saracen's mattress, she finds a picture of Julie that Saracen drew, and some porn. Surprisingly, they were two separate things. SEXUAL TENSION LEVEL: 4 of 10.

In the TMU head coach's office, the head coach says Reggie is suspended for only three games. He also says Coach must have been one hell of a high school coach. Coach seems to agree, and seems to be thinking about it.

Uh oh. The Swede just ran into Julie at a gas station. He's driving a white van with no rear windows. It's either for carrying band equipment or child abduction. Julie is mocking the Dillon Pep Rally. Bitch. The Swede offers her a "ride" to the rally. Head-rubbing pervert.

At the pep rally, Buddy is getting plowed, Smash is rapping, and Saracen is pouting. Julie gets dropped off by The Swede and gives him a thank-you kiss. Whore. Moments later, she's apologizing to Saracen for missing his rally. Uh oh, here it comes. "We really need to talk." "It's me. It's not you." Saracen knows it's The Swede and just wants some honesty. Poor Julie feels trapped and needs space. Down goes Saracen! The whirlwind romance is OVER! Meanwhile, Buddy is getting himself worked into a lather, recreating his football career like Al Bundy and picking fights. Buddy confesses to Riggins that he understands the writers' parallelism in that he's lost both his family and his team. We get it too, Buddy. It's, uh, pretty obvious. Riggins tries to help after Buddy takes a drunken dive, but Lyla resists...at first.

Riggins and Lyla help Buddy back home. Riggins consoles Lyla and says Buddy isn't a drunk, but is just "sad." They connect. It's going to be a race between Lyla and Riggins hooking up and Saracen and the nurse. My money is on Saracen and the nurse.

Baby Grace is a little bit sick, but Mrs. Taylor brings her to the E.R. (shameless NBC cross-plugs) and the doctor brings her fever down. The guidance counselor shows up to give Mrs. Taylor a ride home from the emergency room. You know Mrs. Taylor is falling apart when the only person she can call is the damn science teacher. I don't know how he's going to give her a ride home with no car seat.

Tyra sneaks into Landry's house and says she's glad the rapist is dead because he wasn't going to stop. She wishes she was the one who killed him, because Landry rocks balls. Tyra apologizes to Landry the best way she knows how. By making out with him. Matt Damon's Doppleganger: 1. Matt Damon: 0.

No word on whether the Dillon Panthers actually played a game. This show is about football, right?

Episode 3 is on the DVR. I'll try to catch up before this Friday.

1. Boston College. Have fun losing to Virginia Tech on the 25th, Massholes.
2. The instant replay rule.
3. This guy.
4. NCAA Football 2005.
5. Watching Urban Meyer lose.
6. Watching Pete Carroll lose.
7. Watching Lloyd Carr decay.
8. Charlie Weis' FUPA.
9. "You Can Call Me Al." Why don't you play it any more, ND band?
10. The ongoing Reggie Bush investigation.
11. Oregon outfit combination #127.
12. Cheerleaders.
13. The BCS supercomputer becoming sentient.
14. Lee Corso demonstrating how to run a screen on a hobbit-sized field.
15. Grilling with charcoal.
16. Being drunk on Saturday before Herbstreit sees his first co-ed breast.
17. Matt Leinart getting knocked out for the season.
18. Games named things like "San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl."
19. "[YOUR SCHOOL NAME] SUCKS" shirts.
20. The Washington State flag.
21. Wondering which skin disease Brian Cook is hiding under that hair. And why it doesn't affect his forehead.
22. Ruining a bunch of sportswriters' pre-written "Why Notre Dame doesn't belong in a bowl game" articles.
23. Knowing that somewhere out there, Dave Wannstedt is struggling to figure out how to work his remote control.
24. The fact that the Big Ten Network has "The Ron Zook Show '07."
25. Knowing that Tyrone Willingham lives more than 2,000 miles from South Bend.

The first episode, "Last Days of Summer," aired October 5. Here is the recap:

• Christ, the football team goes everywhere together. They all go hang out at the public pool. Julie, Coach Eric Taylor's daughter, is a lifeguard at the pool. She's awfully friendly with some dude they call "The Swede." I presume it's because he's Swedish, but he looks about as Swedish as Ellis Redding looks Irish. He also looks like he could use a shower. Or at least a toothbrush. Matt Saracen, the starting quarterback and Julie's boyfriend, does not look happy about the Swede moving in on his turf. Oh, and Landry (Saracen's best friend and Matt Damon's doppleganger) is going to try out for the team! Julie's mom, the smoking hot Connie Britton, shows up at the pool very pregnant and then discharges her amniotic fluid into the pool which is, of course, repulsive.
• After serving as quarterbacks coach for several years and then as head coach for one year of the Dillon Panthers football team, Coach Taylor took a job at Texas Methodist University as the quarterbacks coach. Sell out. He left his QB1, Matt Saracen, his daughter, Julie, and his absurdly hot wife (played by Connie Britton) for greener pastures. Little does Coach know that they don't have grass in Texas. That factoid may or may not be accurate. Anyhow, Coach comes back just in time for the birth of his second kid. I think it was a girl. I expect Connie Britton's body to be back to uber-hot by episode two. I was a little disappointed that Coach's first words to the kid were "Welcome to the family," instead of "Clear eyes, full hearts can't lose!"
• At the football field, the new coach of the Panthers is Coach Bill "The Tennessee Tyrant" McGregor, and he's putting the team through the paces as they are at the end of the summer.
• Back at the Taylor house, the baby is home already. It's a girl, unless they named their son "Grace." Julie is kind of a bitch now, as she runs out immediately to go flirt with The Swede, and she refuses to clean the house.
• Back at the pool, Tyra Collette (Landry's love interest) asks Landry to lotion her back. Awesome. Landry's water breaks, probably. Tyra cut her hair too short, and she really should have that mole looked at, but she's looking good. Julie makes a date for Thursday night with The Swede. He has a band. Surprise, surprise. He probably also has a MySpace page chock full of emo poetry.
• Lyla Garrity, Dillon's head cheerleader, has been baptized, and she's holding it over fullback Tim Riggins' head, most likely because she's still feeling guilty for banging Riggins when her boyfriend was paralyzed from the waist down. Riggins had a summer three-way with twins. Lyla prayed. I predict that she will be annoying this season.
• Saracen runs into Coach at the supermarket, and Coach tells him not to stand by and let some Swedish prick steal his girlfriend like Henri did to Woody on Cheers. Maybe not in those exact words, but something like that. Coach gets a call and finds out he has to go back to TMU early. Oh no!
• Back at the pool, some dude who tried to rape Tyra last season is back, stalking her. Nothing good will come of this.
• At the Taylor house, Coach and Julie try to have a heart-to-heart about relationships. In no uncertain terms, Julie lets Coach know that he is no longer in charge of her, since he's living away from the family. She's a lot bitchier this season.
• Back at practice, it's clear that the New Coach doesn't like Riggins. Probably because he's hung over and exhausted from banging the New Coach's wife, daughter, sister, and grandmother. New Coach also doesn't like Buddy Garritty, Lyla's dad and owner of a local car dealership, and he kicks him out of his practices. I agree. I don't like Buddy, either.
• Landry and Saracen run into Julie at the convenience store (the grocery store must have been out of whatever Saracen needed). Matt asks Julie to go to a party Thursday, and that dirty whore lies and says she's planning on staying in Thursday. She then has a change of heart and agrees to go. She has the worst fake stutter in the history of acting. If she and Saracen had a kid, the kid's sentences would take months to say.
• At the Garrity house, Lyla makes snarky comments to her mom's new boyfriend through prayer. Know-it-all.
• Back at the Taylor house, Coach seems to choose the team over his family when he lets Mrs. Taylor know that he has to go back to TMU early. Mrs. Taylor is pissed. Connie Britton finally looks bad, as she has the worst "crying face" I've ever seen.
• Coach leaves the house in a huff to go visit Buddy at his dealership. Buddy's estranged wife shows up with her boyfriend, and Buddy gets into a near-fight with him because he either is in a cult or owns a health food store. Apparently, Buddy is stalking his own family, too. A lot of that going around in Texas, apparently.
• New Coach rides Riggins after practice until he pukes, and Jason Street, the guy whose wang doesn't work well enough to please Lyla and who is now an assistant coach, suggests that New Coach shouldn't ride him so hard. New Coach says, "I won't stand for this! And you won't stand for anything!" or something like that.
• Back at the Taylor house, it's date night for Julie, and Coach isn't happy. Saracen is at the party, filled with bikini-clad women for Riggins and booze for everyone else. Meanwhile, Landry gets invited to Tyra's house to "investigate a sound in her bush." Yeah, I understand symbolism.
• Julie shows up at a bar to see The Swede's band. That dirty whore. Any attraction Julie had to The Swede should have been eliminated the second he started singing. His voice is significantly worse than his facial hair.
• Back at Tyra's house, Landry is ready to make a move. I thought he was going for boob, and so did the camera. Instead, he rubs her arm. She seems to enjoy it, and then invites Landry to go get food. Do they have refrigerators in Texas, or does everyone just eat directly out of the store?
• Back at The Swede's bar, his "set" is over, so he comes up and talks to Julie...with his hot girlfriend. BURN! He even high-fives Julie on the way out. You going to finish that egg on your face, Jules? Saracen's looking pretty good now, isn't he? Coach comes to pick up Julie and, after his initial fury, consoles her about her confusion between the Saracen and The Swede and tells her she doesn't need to date Saracen to make her parents happy. Julie doesn't want her and Saracen to turn into her dad and mom. Basically, it was the "I don't want your life" speech with 100% less Vanderbeek. Don't worry, Julie. You'll never be as hot as Connie Britton.
• Uh oh. Get the water skis ready. Only one episode into the second season, and FNL may have just jumped the shark. Remember that stalker? Well, Landry and Tyra ran into him at the store, and Landry BASHED HIS SKULL IN WITH A PIPE! Then, not unlike the completely-believable plot of I Know What You Did Last Summer, they dumped his body into a river. Yes, one episode into Season Two, and Landry KILLED A GUY. This is high school, folks. Sometimes, you have a hard time finding a date for prom. Sometimes, you get a "D" on a final. Sometimes, you get cut from the basketball team. And sometimes, you're forced TO KILL A MAN WITH A PIPE FOR THE GIRL YOU LOVE.
• Closing montage time. Landry and Tyra finally have something in common to talk about, the Taylors all seem happy again, the Panthers get their championship rings, and Coach flew back to TMU (directly over the football field). The end. Can we please undo the part where Landry becomes a felon?

Because of Tyra's short hair, Lyla's newfound faith annoyingness, and Landry's homicide, this episode was sub-par by FNL standards.

3.5 out of 5.0 Footballs

I'll get Episode Two done sometime this week.

The Roundup:

• The gentlemen at BGS break down tomorrow's Irish-Yellow Jacket matchup, complete with starting QB theme songs, invented words like "Wheelerific" and "cheapshottery," a partially mummified Jerry Jones, and the delightful Elizabeth Banks. They also talk about football.
• Demetrius Jones' high school coach, Lexie Spurlock, steps away from the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise to inform the media that he's pretty sure Demetrius is starting tomorrow.
• Like a child tugging on the legs of those sticky octopus things you used to get from McDonald's, and you'd throw them on the window, and they'd slowly work their way down, Jason Kelly stretches an analogy about as far as an analogy can possibly be stretched.
• No matter what the Observer says, I'm setting the over/under on Corwin Brown screaming at someone tomorrow at 5 minutes into the second quarter. And I'm taking the under.
• In case you didn't get a chance to watch football last night, you missed some real nail-biters. Yawn.
• Remember, if anything about the game pisses you off tomorrow, you can always blame Robot Charlie. Everyone else is.

Enjoy the game tomorrow. Go Irish!

Browns fans, tired of booing Quinn for his justifiable holdout from training camp, showered their boos on Frye and Anderson instead. Both quarterbacks, allegedly ahead of Quinn on the depth chart, had subpar performances. Both threw an interception. Neither had a touchdown. In fact, the only two passing touchdowns the Browns scored all night were tossed by Quinn.

Anderson finished his night 6-8 for 65 yards. Frye was 5-10 for 42 yards.

While Browns coach Romeo Crennel didn't indicate that Quinn had played his way into contention for the starting spot, he didn't NOT say that. (What?) Just read what he said:

I think you've got to give the young man credit. Their best guys weren't in there but our best guys weren't in there either. I'll look at the tape and we'll decide. He's still a young quarterback and he had a limited offense and I believe in time that he's going to be a good quarterback.

But the reason he didn't play more tonight was that he wasn't ready. I've said all along we'll see what the kid can do and when he gets a better grasp of the offense we'll ask him to do more.

It appears that Quinn has already grasped the offense better than Frye and Anderson. Quinn entered the game with the Browns down 23-7 with 9:20 left on the clock. The game ended 23-20. Maybe Quinn just likes leading ridiculous comebacks against teams from Michigan.

Yes, that is a real cake.

As expected, Cubs pitcher and former Notre Dame wide receiver Jeff Samardzija, pictured here after Cubs manager Lou Piniella forced him to get his hair cut, will not be heading north with the team when they break camp at the end of this month. Samardzija was one of 14 players cut from the big club on Monday as the Cubs optioned him to the single-A Daytona Cubs.

Before Samardzija was cut, however, he had a chance to face San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds. Bonds was allowed to wear his traditional body armor as he faced the hard-throwing Samardzija. Perhaps thrown off by the sight of Bonds' exoskeleton and the gravitational pull of Bonds' massive head, Samardzija gave up a single to the obvious steroid abuser.

Samardzija said of the at-bat, "It was cool. I tried to keep cool and just make some pitches. I kept the sinker up a little bit, and he put the bat on it."

Cubs general manager Jim Hendry seems impressed with the young Samardzija. "It was very entertaining," Hendry said, "but I've been excited about this kid since the day we got him. He handled himself like a pro with a lot of poise. He's a big-time guy."

Piniella was similarly impressed. "He's pitched like a veteran really," Piniella said. "You could see that he's had big-time exposure playing football at Notre Dame. This hasn't fazed him too much. I think he's looked at some of our veteran pitchers and how they go about their business, what it takes to be a big leaguer, and he'll take that with him. I wouldn't be surprised that he'll have good, steady progress in the Minor League system."

Samardzija had an impressive spring, giving up only one earned run in 3 appearances and 5 innings pitched, good for a 1.80 ERA. He walked only one batter, struck out 3, and gave up 6 hits. Kermit's wild prediction of the spring? Shark will be in the Cubs' rotation by July of 2008. I'm not quite wild enough to say he'll start a game as a Cub before Mark Prior does. Yet.

So, ladies. The next time you say I have nothing in common with Brady Quinn, keep in mind that I, too, was heavily into Goldeneye, and I probably could kick Quinn's ass at it, even if he got to play as Oddjob.

Where you at, Golden Boy?