Every once in a while, Domer MQ expects me to earn my lucrative paychecks and actually write something. So, when he asked me to do a season recap, naturally, I said, “What season?”

“Notre Dame,” he replied patiently.

“What year?” I asked.

“2009 should do it,” he said, through gritted teeth.

“Sport?”

“Football.”

“Why are you swinging your fists like that?”

So, here I am, bruised, bloodied, and forced to relive a season which most of you have already forgotten, or that you hope to forget. Won’t you join me on this magical 6-6 journey through the wondrous world of mediocrity?
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LOS ANGELES- Her Loyal Sons investigative reporters have recently learned that HLS correspondent “Biscuit” is “pretty much resigned, and sort of okay with” Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis returning to coach the team in 2009.

The first indication that Biscuit would eventually support the decision of Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick to retain Weis was on December 1, 2008, when an irate Biscuit, fed up with rumors swirling about Weis’ possible dismissal, wrote, “If your true goal is to help ND be the best program it can be, zip it and see how it plays out.” Biscuit referred to those supporting Weis’ termination as “haters,” a surprising departure from his normal usage of the term, “hatas.” Biscuit made his position on Weis clear in his first sentence, and accompanying parenthetical: “This isn’t a post on my position about whether or not Weis should be fired. (For the record, it’s ‘no’).”

When Biscuit’s post stirred up a hornet’s nest of haters and hatas from across the globe, and after Weis’ return to the team was officially announced, Biscuit further clarified his stance.

Contrary to what many of you may think, I’m not at all thrilled about Charlie sticking around. I’m not extremely pissed either. I’m very much neutral. Not happy, not depressed. Just accepting.

Yes, I think it was the right decision. No, I do not think that he’s been a great coach.

That settled the heated, ongoing debate on what Biscuit thought of the Weis retention for nearly six hours. Then, Biscuit made “The Case for Keeping Weis.”

Please, please, please before you jump all over me, note that I did NOT write “The Case for Weis”. There is a very important distinction there that I have to make clear. This article is not about how great of a coach I think Weis is (he isn’t). It’s not about how much I love him as our coach (I don’t). This article is about pragmatic decision-making and the reasons why Charlie is still (and should be) HC of Notre Dame. It does not mean I’m thrilled with the situation, that I give him a ‘pass’ on things or anything of the sort.

The latest Biscuit clarification calmed the masses for over twelve hours, until a frustrated Biscuit put forth the internet equivalent of “last word,” with his simply-titled article, “False“. In it, Biscuit got one last most recent shot at the hatas, saying, “Blah blah blah. People had ‘good sources’ that were ‘in the know’ about [Swarbrick's alleged search for a potential replacement for Weis]. Right. The internets (sic) is a great, reliable source full of only factual information!”

Piecing together these various bits of information regarding Biscuit, we have come to one inevitable conclusion. Biscuit is okay (not totally blown away, but not really super-pissed) about Weis’ return.

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The episode starts with a bang, as baby Grace Taylor is crying in Dillon, and Coach Taylor isn’t liking his new job, his uncomfortable hotel room, and not falling asleep on his wife Connie Britton’s chest every night.

Tyra is awoken late at night by a call from Landry. Landry lost his watch on the guy he murdered and dumped in the river in Episode 1. Isn’t that exactly what happened in I Know What You Did Last Summer? What ever happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt? And Sarah Michelle Gellar, for that matter? I hope J-Love guest stars this week and helps Landry and Tyra survive the impending attack from the guy they dumped in the river as he returns for revenge with a fishing hook.

At TMU, we find out that Coach Taylor is sort of the odd man out on the coaching staff. At a coaches’ meeting, the head coach tells Taylor that he has to go to a hearing. Apparently, one of the TMU players pulled a Reggie Bush and accepted Justin Timberlake tickets from a booster. The rest of the coaching staff apparently has Taylor’s QB coaching job “covered.” Ooooooo, burn!

Back at the Taylor home, the new guidance counselor shows up to get advice from Mrs. Taylor. He is also a science teacher. A sweaty, sweaty, sweaty science teacher. Mrs. Taylor is starting to crack under the pressure of the new baby and the missing husband, and she snaps at the science teacher.

At Saracen’s house, Landry basically tells Matt to give up on Julie. Don’t give up on the “crazy grandma” plot yet, though. Grandma Saracen just ordered a $2400 tiara, because you can’t put a price on looking pretty.

Meanwhile, Buddy Garrity is meeting the Dillon coaches at a bar. New Coach doesn’t want to do the season opener pep rally at Buddy’s car dealership. Oh, I understand. Buddy is getting cut out of his family and his football team. I love parallelism.

At school, Saracen is trying to get in-home care for his grandmother. Julie keeps blowing him off, as do the home care people. Will Saracen ever win anything? You know, other than the state championship?

After leaving in a huff last episode, Riggins is back on the team, but he’s going to suffer for it. New Coach gives him 50 laps up the stadium steps. Meanwhile, Landry has made the team, but he’s getting clobbered on the field. It’s like watching Rudy, except Landry has a chance of touching a breast. Holy crap, Landry’s dad is Aaron from 24! What a revelation! Landry’s dad is proud of him for making the team, even though it means getting his brains beat in. I don’t think Landry has told him about the homicide yet.

At the doctor’s office, Jason Street is making improvement, but the doctor crushes his spirit and tells him he won’t walk again. Take THAT, former QB1. I think Street has a new wheelchair buddy, who offers him a “guy” who does some experimental stuff. This doesn’t bode well.

At the Saracens, grandma is exercising and freaking out at the home nurse, who is kind of a bitch. I predict sexual chemistry between Saracen and the nurse, as she plans on living with the Saracens. Julie will drive Saracen into the arms of a nurse, who is conveniently hot. There have to be unattractive girls in Texas, right?

Coach tries to get Reggie Bush ready for the hearing. Reggie is not sorry. He also has a sweet car, which is probably from a booster. Coach doesn’t seem too happy with Reggie, as even he wonders why Coach is at TMU with his new baby.

At the Garrity house, Buddy is trying to pick up the kids under much duress. Duress with the Dillon coaches. Duress with his family. Which will cause Buddy to eat a bullet first?

At her job at the pool, Julie talks to The Swede. Julie is leaving her job. The Swede is not, because he is a burnout, or something. I hope, for his sake, he’s not counting on his band paying the bills. The Swede actually rubs the top of Julie’s head when he says good bye to her. Good Lord, even I know that’s humiliating.

Back at school, Mrs. Taylor has walked all the way from home in 105 degree weather with baby Grace to talk to the guidance counselor. Connie Britton is hot, even when basting in her own sweat. The guidance counselor doesn’t appreciate her radiance, and says he’s scared of her. In his defense, she is a bit hormonal and a tad “screamy.”

Street catches up with Mrs. Taylor as she’s leaving and confesses that he’s been dreaming about Mrs. Taylor. Me too, brother. In his dreams, though, Mrs. Taylor tells him to get up and walk, and he does. She’s also not wearing a leather teddy. Well, she might be, but Street doesn’t mention it. Street makes Mrs. Taylor’s day. Way to go, Street. She needed that.

Reggie Bush is still giving Coach grief about not being at home with his new baby. Coach has had enough, and he gives Reggie a lecture about not caring about his team and having his area code written on his eye black stickers. Maybe he didn’t say that, but Reggie pouts, anyhow.

Now that Landry made the team, he has is own rally girl. She’s no Tyra. Landry asks the rally girl if she thinks all human beings are capable of evil, which pisses Tyra off. Tyra wants Landry to act like a man and quit whining just because he killed some dude. You want him to act like a man, Tyra?! He loves you! How about that, Tyra?! How. About. THAT?

At Reggie’s hearing, he’s schmoozing the board, apologizing, and promising he won’t repeat his mistake. Coach ain’t buying it. Coach defends him by suggesting that he should take away all of Reggie’s booster gifts and make his life miserable for a season. That’ll teach him.

Back at the Saracen’s, the nurse is cleaning house. Literally. While trying to flip Saracen’s mattress, she finds a picture of Julie that Saracen drew, and some porn. Surprisingly, they were two separate things. SEXUAL TENSION LEVEL: 4 of 10.

In the TMU head coach’s office, the head coach says Reggie is suspended for only three games. He also says Coach must have been one hell of a high school coach. Coach seems to agree, and seems to be thinking about it.

Uh oh. The Swede just ran into Julie at a gas station. He’s driving a white van with no rear windows. It’s either for carrying band equipment or child abduction. Julie is mocking the Dillon Pep Rally. Bitch. The Swede offers her a “ride” to the rally. Head-rubbing pervert.

At the pep rally, Buddy is getting plowed, Smash is rapping, and Saracen is pouting. Julie gets dropped off by The Swede and gives him a thank-you kiss. Whore. Moments later, she’s apologizing to Saracen for missing his rally. Uh oh, here it comes. “We really need to talk.” “It’s me. It’s not you.” Saracen knows it’s The Swede and just wants some honesty. Poor Julie feels trapped and needs space. Down goes Saracen! The whirlwind romance is OVER! Meanwhile, Buddy is getting himself worked into a lather, recreating his football career like Al Bundy and picking fights. Buddy confesses to Riggins that he understands the writers’ parallelism in that he’s lost both his family and his team. We get it too, Buddy. It’s, uh, pretty obvious. Riggins tries to help after Buddy takes a drunken dive, but Lyla resists…at first.

Riggins and Lyla help Buddy back home. Riggins consoles Lyla and says Buddy isn’t a drunk, but is just “sad.” They connect. It’s going to be a race between Lyla and Riggins hooking up and Saracen and the nurse. My money is on Saracen and the nurse.

Baby Grace is a little bit sick, but Mrs. Taylor brings her to the E.R. (shameless NBC cross-plugs) and the doctor brings her fever down. The guidance counselor shows up to give Mrs. Taylor a ride home from the emergency room. You know Mrs. Taylor is falling apart when the only person she can call is the damn science teacher. I don’t know how he’s going to give her a ride home with no car seat.

Tyra sneaks into Landry’s house and says she’s glad the rapist is dead because he wasn’t going to stop. She wishes she was the one who killed him, because Landry rocks balls. Tyra apologizes to Landry the best way she knows how. By making out with him. Matt Damon’s Doppleganger: 1. Matt Damon: 0.

No word on whether the Dillon Panthers actually played a game. This show is about football, right?

Episode 3 is on the DVR. I’ll try to catch up before this Friday.

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Well, it’s official. The polls are completely meaningless now. I can tell, because domer.mq has given me the power to do the Top 25 for this week. I don’t believe in curses and hyperbole, but the #1 slot clearly has been CURSED WITH A CURSE MORE HORRIBLE THAN ANY CURSE WHICH HAS EVER BEEN CAST UPON ANY CURSED THING EVER. With that in mind, here is your Top 25:

1. Boston College. Have fun losing to Virginia Tech on the 25th, Massholes.
2. The instant replay rule.
3. This guy.
4. NCAA Football 2005.
5. Watching Urban Meyer lose.
6. Watching Pete Carroll lose.
7. Watching Lloyd Carr decay.
8. Charlie Weis’ FUPA.
9. “You Can Call Me Al.” Why don’t you play it any more, ND band?
10. The ongoing Reggie Bush investigation.
11. Oregon outfit combination #127.
12. Cheerleaders.
13. The BCS supercomputer becoming sentient.
14. Lee Corso demonstrating how to run a screen on a hobbit-sized field.
15. Grilling with charcoal.
16. Being drunk on Saturday before Herbstreit sees his first co-ed breast.
17. Matt Leinart getting knocked out for the season.
18. Games named things like “San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.”
19. “[YOUR SCHOOL NAME] SUCKS” shirts.
20. The Washington State flag.
21. Wondering which skin disease Brian Cook is hiding under that hair. And why it doesn’t affect his forehead.
22. Ruining a bunch of sportswriters’ pre-written “Why Notre Dame doesn’t belong in a bowl game” articles.
23. Knowing that somewhere out there, Dave Wannstedt is struggling to figure out how to work his remote control.
24. The fact that the Big Ten Network has “The Ron Zook Show ‘07.”
25. Knowing that Tyrone Willingham lives more than 2,000 miles from South Bend.

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Are you looking for a “backup team” to root for now that college football season is, for all intents and purposes, over? Well, I hope you’re turning your televisions on Friday nights to the best show that no one is watching, Friday Night Lights. If you’re not watching, never fear. I’m here to provide you with belated recaps of the comings and goings of the defending Texas state high school champions, the Dillon Panthers.

The first episode, “Last Days of Summer,” aired October 5. Here is the recap:
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Well, DomerMQ is on vacation AGAIN, so I guess the Friday Roundup falls on me, which is slightly better than having Coach Weis’ D.U.F.F. here fall on me.

The Roundup:

• The gentlemen at BGS break down tomorrow’s Irish-Yellow Jacket matchup, complete with starting QB theme songs, invented words like “Wheelerific” and “cheapshottery,” a partially mummified Jerry Jones, and the delightful Elizabeth Banks. They also talk about football.
• Demetrius Jones’ high school coach, Lexie Spurlock, steps away from the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise to inform the media that he’s pretty sure Demetrius is starting tomorrow.
• Like a child tugging on the legs of those sticky octopus things you used to get from McDonald’s, and you’d throw them on the window, and they’d slowly work their way down, Jason Kelly stretches an analogy about as far as an analogy can possibly be stretched.
• No matter what the Observer says, I’m setting the over/under on Corwin Brown screaming at someone tomorrow at 5 minutes into the second quarter. And I’m taking the under.
• In case you didn’t get a chance to watch football last night, you missed some real nail-biters. Yawn.
• Remember, if anything about the game pisses you off tomorrow, you can always blame Robot Charlie. Everyone else is.

Enjoy the game tomorrow. Go Irish!

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After lackluster performances by both Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson, Browns fans were treated to an inspired fourth-quarter performance by rookie quarterback Brady Quinn. Quinn threw for 155 yards and 2 touchdowns with no interceptions in just over nine minutes in the Cleveland Browns’ Saturday night matchup against the Detroit Lions. Quinn went 13-20 in putting the other two starters’ numbers to shame.

Browns fans, tired of booing Quinn for his justifiable holdout from training camp, showered their boos on Frye and Anderson instead. Both quarterbacks, allegedly ahead of Quinn on the depth chart, had subpar performances. Both threw an interception. Neither had a touchdown. In fact, the only two passing touchdowns the Browns scored all night were tossed by Quinn.

Anderson finished his night 6-8 for 65 yards. Frye was 5-10 for 42 yards.

While Browns coach Romeo Crennel didn’t indicate that Quinn had played his way into contention for the starting spot, he didn’t NOT say that. (What?) Just read what he said:

I think you’ve got to give the young man credit. Their best guys weren’t in there but our best guys weren’t in there either. I’ll look at the tape and we’ll decide. He’s still a young quarterback and he had a limited offense and I believe in time that he’s going to be a good quarterback.

But the reason he didn’t play more tonight was that he wasn’t ready. I’ve said all along we’ll see what the kid can do and when he gets a better grasp of the offense we’ll ask him to do more.

It appears that Quinn has already grasped the offense better than Frye and Anderson. Quinn entered the game with the Browns down 23-7 with 9:20 left on the clock. The game ended 23-20. Maybe Quinn just likes leading ridiculous comebacks against teams from Michigan.

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Today is DomerMQ’s birthday. If you know him and see him, punch him. If not, feel free to wish him well in the comments. Happy birthday, you ornery old curmudgeon.

Yes, that is a real cake.

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As expected, Cubs pitcher and former Notre Dame wide receiver Jeff Samardzija, pictured here after Cubs manager Lou Piniella forced him to get his hair cut, will not be heading north with the team when they break camp at the end of this month. Samardzija was one of 14 players cut from the big club on Monday as the Cubs optioned him to the single-A Daytona Cubs.

Before Samardzija was cut, however, he had a chance to face San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds. Bonds was allowed to wear his traditional body armor as he faced the hard-throwing Samardzija. Perhaps thrown off by the sight of Bonds’ exoskeleton and the gravitational pull of Bonds’ massive head, Samardzija gave up a single to the obvious steroid abuser.

Samardzija said of the at-bat, “It was cool. I tried to keep cool and just make some pitches. I kept the sinker up a little bit, and he put the bat on it.”

Cubs general manager Jim Hendry seems impressed with the young Samardzija. “It was very entertaining,” Hendry said, “but I’ve been excited about this kid since the day we got him. He handled himself like a pro with a lot of poise. He’s a big-time guy.”

Piniella was similarly impressed. “He’s pitched like a veteran really,” Piniella said. “You could see that he’s had big-time exposure playing football at Notre Dame. This hasn’t fazed him too much. I think he’s looked at some of our veteran pitchers and how they go about their business, what it takes to be a big leaguer, and he’ll take that with him. I wouldn’t be surprised that he’ll have good, steady progress in the Minor League system.”

Samardzija had an impressive spring, giving up only one earned run in 3 appearances and 5 innings pitched, good for a 1.80 ERA. He walked only one batter, struck out 3, and gave up 6 hits. Kermit’s wild prediction of the spring? Shark will be in the Cubs’ rotation by July of 2008. I’m not quite wild enough to say he’ll start a game as a Cub before Mark Prior does. Yet.

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Former Irish quarterback Brady Quinn published the first of his blog entries on his road to dominating the NFL. Quinn mentions that he used to play a lot of Tecmo Bowl, and that he was “heavily into Goldeneye” on his N64.

So, ladies. The next time you say I have nothing in common with Brady Quinn, keep in mind that I, too, was heavily into Goldeneye, and I probably could kick Quinn’s ass at it, even if he got to play as Oddjob.

Where you at, Golden Boy?

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SOUTH BEND, Ind.–Former Notre Dame wide receiver Jeff Samardzija, who was drafted by the Cubs last year, has decided to forgo his football career for a career pitching with the Cubs.

Samardzija’s Tommy John surgery has been scheduled for late August.

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Q asked me to do a 2006 All-Male Revue, which I thought was a strange request, so I asked him if I might be able to just do a Review of 2006. He reluctantly agreed, so here goes nothing (with much thanks to Wikipedia and its submitters for doing the leg work).

• January 2: The Ohio State Buckeyes defeat the Notre Dame Fighting Irish 34-20 in the Fiesta Bowl in what ESPN will later tell the public is the absolute most lopsided 14-point victory in the history of complete and utterly dominating blowouts.
• January 3: Twelve deceased coal miners and one survivor are discovered in the Sago Mine Disaster near Buckhannon, West Virginia in the United States. Samuel L. Jackson has an unhealthy desire to speak to the sole survivor, pictured here.
• January 4: Texas defeats Southern Cal 41-38 in the BCS National Championship Game. Southern Cal head coach Pete Carroll and quarterback Matt Leinart blame Reggie Bush for failing to push running back LenDale White two yards on a critical late 4th down possession.
• January 7: Embroiled in multiple scandals, former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay announces he will not seek to reassume his former post, but rather will assist Southern Cal head football coach Pete Carroll in recruiting new players.
• January 22: Kobe Bryant, used to forcing his balls through unyielding holes, scores 81 points in a single game, the second most of all time behind Wilt Chamberlain’s 100. 72 of the 81 points scored contract herpes.
• February 5: Ben Roethlisberger wets the bed in Super Bowl XL in Detroit, so Notre Dame legend Jerome “The Bus” Bettis picks up the slack in his hometown and leads the Steelers to a win in his final NFL game. The Biscuit wonders what in the world caused Roethlisberger to have such a horrible game.
• February 8: The 48th Annual Grammy Awards are held. Kelly Clarkson wins 2. No one cares, but I have an excuse to post a picture of Kelly Clarkson.
• February 10: The Winter Olympics open in Turin, Italy, reminding the world once again that this is considered a sport.
• February 11: Dick Cheney shoots his 78-year-old friend lawyer in the face with a shotgun. Aaron Burr unavailable for comment.
• February 16: Kobe Airport, an offshore airport in Japan, opens for business. Immediately after the doors open, the airport is served with 12 paternity suits.
• March 3: The inaugural World Baseball Classic begins in Tokyo. Alex Rodriguez wraps himself in bubble wrap during the tournament.
• March 5: Three 6 Mafia makes history as they become the first African-American hip-hop group to win an Academy Award for Best Song and also become the first hip-hop artists to ever perform at the ceremony. Several journalists declare Notre Dame officials and fans racist for not attending the award ceremony.
• March 11: Slobodan Milosevic dies, making Mark May the Biggest Living Asshole.
• March 25: Half a million people in Los Angeles protest a proposed crackdown on illegal immigration. The Biscuit laughs and throws his illegal immigrant maid an individually-wrapped slice of Kraft American cheese.
• March 30: After Japan beats Cuba to end the World Baseball Classic, Alex Rodriguez emerges from his cocoon, sees his shadow, and doesn’t hit for six more weeks.
• April 8: The bodies of 8 murdered men are found in Shedden, Elgin County, Ontario. The loss of the 8 men halves the population of Sheddin. Local authorities blame Canada. Mark May blames Charlie Weis.
• April 9: Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is removed from office after 4 months in a coma. Joe Paterno, head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions, is quoted as saying, “Four months? Phssssh. Amateur.”
• April 11: President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad confirms that Iran has successfully produced a few grams of 3.5% low-grade enriched uranium. U.S. would counter with its own enriched uranium supply, but U.S. President George Bush sold it in town for some magic beans.
• May 3: 9-11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui, is sentenced to life in prison, making Mark May the Biggest Asshole Not Serving a Life Sentence.
• May 27: Notre Dame recruit Chris Stewart flaps his arms in South Bend, and a 6.3 magnitude earthquake strikes central Java in Indonesia.
• June 9: The World Cup begins in Germany. The American team misses its flight to Germany and fails to show up for its matches. Zinedine Zidane headbutts Marco Materazzi in the chest. For the fourth consecutive time, the World Cup is expected to spark American interest in soccer. America smiles politely at soccer, lets it crash on its hide-a-bed for a month, and then speeds it to the airport so it doesn’t miss its flight home.
• June 19: The Carolina Hurricanes defeat the Edmonton Oilers 4 games to 3 to win the Stanley Cup. Americans everywhere say, “So, what’s this soccer thing I’ve been hearing about lately?”
• June 20: The Miami Heat win the NBA Finals 4 games to 2. Dwyane Wade is named MVP. Americans everywhere say, “Hey, did you catch the Hurricanes-Oilers game?”
• June 23: In Miami, the FBI arrests seven men, accusing them of planning to bomb the Sears Tower and other attacks in Miami. Kermit is surprised that terrorists, unlike ESPN, recognize Chicago as an actual city.
• July 5: North Korea successfully test fires long-range Taepodong-2 missile. Chicagoans still call for Brian Griese to deliver nuclear warheads rather than Taepodong-2.
• July 9: Italy wins the World Cup over France 1-1. 1-1? What’s that, America? You say you miss Dwayne Wade?
• July 18: The SS Nomadic, built to serve as a service and repair boat to Titanic, returns home to Belfast with its smokestack tucked between its legs and a pink slip on its desk.
• July 21: St. Louis is hit by two major violent windstorms in a span of three days. Wind?! Pussies.
• July 23: American Floyd Landis wins the Tour de France. Americans are about to ask what happened with the Italy-France game, but then tour officials announce that he failed a doping test. Americans are surprised that officials couldn’t tell he is a dope.
• July 31: Fidel Castro, President of Cuba, temporarily relinquishes power to his brother Raúl before surgery. Cigar connoisseurs, shortstops keep fingers crossed.
• August 9: Maurice Clarett, ambassador of the Ohio State University, is arrested in Columbus after making an illegal U-turn and leading the police on a chase in a sports utility vehicle. He is finally stopped after driving over a police-mounted spike strip. Police say they were forced to secure a cloth around Clarett’s mouth after he allegedly spit at the officers and called them “nigga haters” during the arrest. According to Columbus Police Sgt. Mike Woods, the officers discovered a hatchet, a loaded AK-47 variant, a Hi-Point Pistol and two other loaded handguns in his vehicle along with an open bottle of Grey Goose vodka. The officers use Mace to subdue Clarett after attempts to subdue him with a Taser prove ineffective because he is wearing kevlar body armor. Unfortunately, Clarett’s arrest causes him to fail to deliver the body armor to tOSU quarterback Troy Smith prior to the National Championship game.
• August 10: London Metropolitan Police make twenty-one arrests in connection to an apparent terrorist plot that involved aircraft traveling from the United Kingdom to the United States. New TSA regulations are put into effect, permanently banning all liquids and gels, including but not limited to deodorants, colognes, toothpaste, and gel implants, in both checked and carry-on baggage. Biscuit cancels his plans to bring a stripper back from Vegas.
• August 23: In Austria, Natascha Kampusch manages to escape after being kidnapped eight years ago by Wolfgang Priklopil, who locked her in his cellar. Priklopil commits suicide by throwing himself in front of a train. Congratulations are extended to the new Biggest Living Asshole Pedophile, Mark May.
• August 24: The International Astronomical Union declares Pluto “not planet” and Chris Stewart “planet.”
• August 31: Edvard Munch paintings The Scream and Madonna are recovered in a police raid in Oslo, Norway, more than two years after they were stolen. Stolen Tyrone Willingham painting The Bubble Scream is still missing.
• September 1: Media says that the Notre Dame Fighting Irish will have a very tough time beating the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at home, calling GT a “very underrated team.”
• September 2: Notre Dame defeats Georgia Tech 14-10. The media calls Notre Dame “lucky,” as GT is a “very overrated team.”
• September 3: Andre Agassi retires after his final match in the U.S. Open. Tennis legend John McEnroe says, “The world of tennis will sorely miss that f@#$ing sh@$head.”
• September 8: Many members of the media pick Penn State to upset the #2-ranked Fighting Irish, saying that Penn State is a “very talented team with a great young quarterback.”
• September 9: Notre Dame annihilates Penn State 41-17 because, according to the media, Penn State is a “mediocre team with a young quarterback who gets rattled under pressure.”
• September 15: Spinach contaminated with E. coli kills one person and poisons over 100 others in twenty different states. In a poorly thought-out course of action, Americans call on Popeye to defend them from the outbreak.
• September 16: The Notre Dame-Michigan game is canceled after Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr injures his nipple nursing quarterback Chad Henne.
• September 19: Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra of Thailand declares a state of emergency in Bangkok as members of the Royal Thai Army stage a coup d’état. The army announces the removal of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra from power. The Prime Minister’s former secretary declares that she will shave her head until Notre Dame wins a national championship.
• September 23: The Fighting Irish end Michigan State coach John El Smith’s career, scoring three touchdowns in the fourth quarter to overcome a sixteen-point third fourth quarter deficit. After the game, Smith sends his players to defend the field so that the Irish cannot plant a flag in it, as the Spartans had in Notre Dame Stadium the year before. As if the Irish would stick their flagpole in the Spartans’ field without wearing a condom, which are evil.
• September 29: U.S. Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) resigns after it is revealed that he sent explicit e-mails for several years to underage male pages. Old-fashioned Mark May uses good old pen-and-paper.
• September 30: Notre Dame continues restoring order to the universe by reminding Purdue that it sucks at football, administering a 14-point loss to the Boilermakers. Media personalities surprise the Irish faithful by failing to recognize the 14-point deficit as “one of the largest defeats in the history of modern college football.”
• October 7: Notre Dame defeats Stanford 31-10. The media reports that Notre Dame is racist for beating the team that once employed Willingham.
• October 10: Google buys YouTube for USD $1.65 billion and promptly renders it totally useless to pirates everywhere.
• October 11: New York Yankees Pitcher Cory Lidle is killed, along with his flight instructor, when his plane crashes into a building in New York City’s Upper East Side. The accident is the only hit the Yankees get in October.
• October 18: To honor Cory Lidle’s crash, Microsoft releases Windows Internet Explorer 7.
• October 21: Notre Dame squeaks past UCLA 20-17 on a 45-yard touchdown pass from Brady Quinn to Jeff Samardzija with 0:27 left in the fourth quarter. Quinn’s 304 YDS, 2 TD, and 0 INT against UCLA are declared “mediocre” next to Troy Smith’s 220 YDS, 4 TD, and 0 INT against Big Ten powerhouse Indiana.
• October 23: Jeffrey Skilling is sentenced to 24 years and 4 months in federal prison on charges relating to the financial collapse of Enron. His brother Tom forecasts a quarter century of golden showers.
• October 27: The 2006 World Series is canceled due to lack of interest.
• October 28: Notre Dame defeats Navy 38-14. The win is Notre Dame’s 43 straight over Navy. Tired of losing, Navy returns to South Bend and deploys a nuclear submarine into St. Joe’s Lake, leaving Gene Hackman in charge of the sub with Denzel Washington nowhere to be found.
• October 31: Veteran game show host Bob Barker announces his retirement from The Price is Right effective in June of 2007 after thirty-five years as host, fifty years on television, and ten years of kicking Happy Gilmore’s ass.
• October 31: U.S. senator John Kerry inadvertently calls American troops serving in Iraq idiots, causing both Democrats and Republicans to get up in arms. He later explains that he botched a joke meant to insult the intelligence of president George W. Bush. Democrats and Republicans are okay with that.
• November 3: Science predicts that 90% of maritime life forms will be extinct by 2048 after Charlie Weis goes on seafood diet.
• November 3: Ted Haggard resigns as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, after allegations of methamphetamine use and sexual relations with a male prostitute. The prostitute is later discovered to be named Mark May. So are the methamphetamines.
• November 4: Notre Dame blows out North Carolina 45-26. The media does not condone the use of the word “blowout” to describe the game, preferring the cliches “long, drawn-out battle” and “God I hate when Notre Dame wins.”
• November 5: Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death by hanging after an Iraqi court finds him guilty of crimes against humanity. Bob Davie and Tyrone Willingham are still at large.
• November 8: U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld “resigns,” just when America was starting to warm up to him.
• November 11: Notre Dame beats the Air Force Falcons 39-17. PETA is up in arms at Notre Dame’s insensitivity toward the Falcons.
• November 17: Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) makes racist comments to African American hecklers at the Los Angeles Laugh Factory. Mark May has apparently moved on to comedians.
• November 17: PlayStation 3 is released in U.S. The headline is accurate. One Playstation 3 is released in the U.S.
• November 17: Former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler dies, allegedly while trying to purchase the PlayStation 3.
• November 18: Notre Dame defeats Army 41-9. All those “Armed Forces Trophy” jokes ESPN has been making finally pay off. “They’re making fun of us because we have three service academies on our schedule this year!” “Making fun of us by using our schedule, despite the fact that we have a harder schedule than most conference schedules?! BRILLIANT!”
• November 19: Wii released in US, effectively ending ChisND’s status as a regular HLS reader.
• November 23: Alexander Litvinenko, a former Russian KGB agent, is assassinated in a London sushi bar, possibly by the Russian Security Service, the FSB, or possibly because the sushi bar didn’t follow this simple guide.
• November 25: The Notre Dame-Southern Cal game is canceled after Southern Cal head coach Pete Carroll gets injured while trying to fellate himself. Southern Cal fans wonder why Carroll wasn’t satisfied with the job the media was doing.
• November 28, 2006: U.S. District Judge James Robertson orders the Treasury Department to change U.S. banknotes to make it easier for blind and visually impaired people to determine their denominations. The blind and visually impaired vocally praise the decision, not realizing that no one else is in the room with them.
• December 9: The Ohio State Buckeye quarterback Troy Smith wins the Heisman trophy despite not being the best quarterback in the country, largely for “overcoming the difficulty of being a scumbag thug with a pea-sized brain all of his life.”
• December 10: Orhan Pamuk of Turkey wins the Nobel Prize in Literature, narrowly beating out Mark May. Mark May declares the Nobel Prize Committee “racist,” and pouts for the rest of the ceremony.
• December 26: Former US President Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93 years. The cause of death was a flight of stairs.
• December 30: Saddam Hussein, former Iraq president, is executed in Baghdad. “Hey, is this Mark May? Well, I have some good news…”

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SOUTH BEND, Ind.–The Notre Dame football program has called a press conference scheduled to take place tomorrow, January 11, at 1:00 p.m. in the Guglielmino Auditorium.

In unrelated news, Fighting Irish defensive coordinator Rick Minter and special teams coach Brian Polian were seen in the South Bend Airport this morning purchasing Greyhound tickets. Eyewitnesses were unable to confirm whether either Minter or Polian actually had a tail tucked between his legs.

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TEMPE, Ariz.–As the final seconds of the Florida Gator’s 41-14 rout of the Ohio State Buckeyes ticked away, parapsychologist and psychologist Dr. Peter Venkman stood on the sidelines, patiently waiting for his chance to investigate the endzone where, earlier in the game, two phantom touchdowns had been sighted.

Back off, man. I’m a scientist.

Venkman had been called in to investigate by Ohio State coach Jim Tressel, who watched his Buckeyes defense successfully stop the Gators at the goal line on two different occasions, immediately after which the phantom touchdowns were sighted. Also, according to Tressel, a voice said, “Zuul.”

After the game ended, Venkman, who has been described as “more of a gameshow host” than a scientist, was allowed to study the field. Venkman whistled “Orange and Blue” while wandering the endzone. When asked for an explanation as to the whistling of the song, Venkman said, “They hate this. I like to torture them.”

Venkman then checked the endzone with a device that he called “technical,” before saying that he detected no paranormal activity readings in the endzone. Tressel asked, “Are you sure you’re using that correctly?”

Venkman replied, “Well, I… I think so, but I’m sure there are no phantom touchdowns in there.”

Venkman inspected the area surrounding the endzone, including the parts where the Buckeye players jumped out of their cleats and got fried right there on the field, but found nothing of consequence.

“What’s over there?” Venkman asked Tressel, indicating the opposite end of the field.

“That’s Florida’s endzone,” Tressel replied. “But nothing ever happened in there.”

“What a crime,” quipped Venkman, grinning at Tressel and nodding at the scoreboard.

Drs. Egon Spengler, Ray Stantz, and Winston Zeddmore are expected to join the investigation later this week to confirm Venkman’s findings.

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NEW ORLEANS–As his LSU Tigers celebrated their 41-14 dismantling of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, head coach Les Miles took the opportunity in his post-game press conference to ask some important questions about the game of college football. HLS was lucky enough to get an early copy of the transcript of that press conference.

LM: Now, I know when you get the ball into the area where the team logo is, that counts for six points. Does one of your players need to be holding the ball in that area, or can you just wing it in there? Because Russell has a heck of an arm, you know.

PRESS: Your players need to be controlling the ball, coach.

LM: Okay, I guess that makes sense. What does it mean when the guy with the zebra shirt puts his hands way up over his head? Like he’s airing out his pits.

PRESS: Well, that means the team either scored a touchdown or kicked a field goal successfully.

LM: And the field goal is worth two points?

PRESS: Three.

LM: That’s right. That’s right. What’s worth two points again?

PRESS: A safety.

LM: The guy on the defense? Why does he get two points?

PRESS: No, coach, when a player is tackled, goes down, or goes out of bounds in his own end zone, that’s a safety.

LM: End zone! That’s it! I kept wanting to call it “Dead Zone,” like that show with the geek from those John Hughes movies. End zone! I should write that down somewhere.

PRESS: Coach, can we hear your thoughts about your team’s dominant performance over the Irish tonight?

LM: You can hear people’s thoughts? That’s freaking crazy! Do you ever watch that show Heroes? There’s a guy on there who can do that. Of course, I’m partial to the chick from Varsity Blues. Whoa, mama. So what if she can floss with jumper cables?

PRESS: No, coach, we’re interested in you telling us what happened in tonight’s game.

LM: We won. Didn’t you see it?

PRESS: Of course, coach, but we wanted to get some insight as to what went on in your head during the game.

LM: It wasn’t the Insight Bowl, it was the Sugar Bowl. Idiot.

PRESS: I understand, coach, but I was hoping you could tell us what went on in your head during the game.

LM: Well, I was wearing an LSU cap, and then they make me wear those big old earphones so I can talk to the guy who says, “Hut! Hut! Hike!” I usually just put on some MP3s, though. Eye of the Tiger is my favorite, because that’s our team’s whaddya-call-it. Did you see Rocky Balboa yet by the way?

PRESS: No, coach.

LM: Run, don’t walk to see that one.

PRESS: I actually asked what was going on in your head, not on your head.

LM: I don’t know what goes on in there. “I’m a football coach, not a scientist.” Did you ever hear that guy say that line? Star Trek. Good show. I don’t think he was a football coach, though. I think he was a warlock or something.

PRESS: Okay.  Well, thank you for your time, coach, and congratulations on the victory.

LM: Who told you what kind of underwear my wife wears?

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