If you happen to be one of those people who follows all things Notre Dame on social media, you may have noticed that some very amusing parody accounts have entered the scene. This is the first in a series of interviews with some of the best Notre Dame parody accounts out there. This is their chance to give you their take on the current temperature of Notre Dame nation and how they would change things if they had a chance.
FakeSwarbrick is what we all imagine (or hope) an uncut real Swarbrick would be like. Brash. Witty. Smooth with the ladies. No fear. Without being overly crass, the account is meant as a tribute to the greatest athletic director in Notre Dame history. The account was started in July 2012 and over a thousand followers later die-hard fans, Notre Dame faculty and staff, sports journalists, the local South Bend press, and even one of Mr. Swarbrick’s sons follows the account.
The anonymous “loyal son” behind the account is mindful that it’s not about himself — it’s about having fun and engaging with the Notre Dame family in a humorous way while promoting our amazing athletic director. But he loves his #BrickGirls!
Next week I’ll “sit down” with Father Sorin himself.
Lisa: Thank you for taking the time to visit with me, Mr. Swarbrick.
Brick: My pleasure, Lisa. And just call me Brick….like you usually do.
Q: Why is Notre Dame your dream job?
A: Am I limited to 140 characters for my answer? No? Good. Who wouldn’t want to get paid to supervise incredibly motivated, talented coaches and student-athletes at the top of their respective games? I love it. It’s my dream job but if I was offered my own late night talk show, I’d take a hard look at that opportunity.
Q: Best part of job?
A: The Brick Girls, and this perk was totally unexpected. I guess the combination of the job’s power, my own sexually-charged charisma, and the chance to get good game day seats is a little overwhelming for most women. I can’t blame them. And if you’re going to sit on my lap during this interview, can you move a little to the right? Thanks.
Q: Worst part of job?
A: Cutting that check to Charlie Weis every month. I resent the hell out of that.
Q: What great improvements do you have planned for Notre Dame?
A: 12-1 wasn’t enough for you? God. How about 8-5 and no phony girlfriend hoaxes? This neurotic fan base is never happy. I swear to God, being a Notre Dame fan dramatically shortens your life expectancy. It’s true. Anyway, everyone always asks me about jumbotrons and artificial turf. I’m not entirely comfortable with turning the stadium into an X-Box but, you know, “we will continue to study the matter.” And whenever I say “we will continue to study the matter,” you can assume I mean “not in my lifetime.”
Q: We have a very unique contract with NBC. Do you see any changes to that in the future, especially with conference realignment being such a hot issue?
A: Our contract with NBC continues to give us the maximum flexibility to do what’s in Notre Dame’s best interests. It’s a win-win for us and for them and I don’t see conference affiliation having any impact on that. Notre Dame will always be a very valuable stand alone brand. However, I’ve made it clear that if they don’t bring “Frasier” back by the Fall 2014 season then we’re taking our talents to some other network, assuming they still have networks in 2014. Maybe we’ll just live tweet the games.
Q: You won’t be at Notre Dame forever. If you left today, who would you recommend as a replacement?
A: I have no plans to ever leave this job. I’m on the Joe Paterno plan — minus the, you know, unpleasant stuff. I’m pretty sure Diaco isn’t going to pull a Sandusky although some of our coeds wouldn’t mind showering…..anyway. I’m not leaving.
Q: You can create your own perfect 12 game schedule right now — who would be on it?
A: You may have heard that we are an independent entity for football so we sort of do that now. In my own little fantasy world I’d love to schedule Michigan and USC in alternating seasons and beat them 12 consecutive times in the same season. Wouldn’t that…..oh my…<laughs uncontrollably>…..whew….that would be awesome….can you imagine?
Anyway, short of that I’ll take our regular cast of characters plus the major conference champs to kick off August and September. And if those guys had any hair on their balls they’d take me up on it. You hear me, Saban? I’m not done with your sorry a$$ yet! Prick.
Q: Of all the other AD’s, who gives you the most trouble?
A: <laughs to himself> Baby I’m the Brick. They don’t give me trouble.
Q: Let’s play a little word association — what are the first three words that come into your head when I say:
Michigan – <expletive deleted> Those skunkbears!
Lane Kiffin – No talent a$$hole.
ESPN – Who?
Recruiting – Don’t tweet them.
Tradition – No damn jumbotron.
South Dining Hall – Lost my virginity. Wait …what?
Q: If you were stranded alone on a desert island, what one item would you want with you?
A: A boat.
Q: What’s your favorite kind of music?
A: Classical, you know, Barry White. Marvin Gaye. That stuff never fails me.
Q: What’s your favorite food?
A: Anything served by a Brick Girl, or off a Brick Girl.
Q: One person dead or alive you’d like to have dinner with? Wait, what’s that music?
A: Oh, it’s just the opening notes of “Let’s Get It On.” and hello … is that a platter of oysters and a charger of Dom Perignon over there?
Brick: It’s good to be the Brick…..
If you are not already, please (FOR THE LOVE OF NOTRE DAME) follow FakeSwarbrick on twitter and see what he’s all about!