What an honor and privilege it was for me, ladies and gentlemen, to have been asked by our illustrious Editor-in-Chief, Tex, to get up on this dais and roast our foes, past and future. I’ll never forget his words to me, “Bayou! WE’VE GOT NOTHING FOR THURSDAY! YOU’VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!!!” So, after Maurice, my personal valet, poured me another thumb of the Jameson, I brought together everyone for one last gathering. It wasn’t a problem. After all, I once put together a salon on short notice consisting of Truman Capote, Nicki Minaj and Coco Chanel. And, aside from Alabama, NONE OF THEM HAD ANYTHING TO DO! So, without further ado…
Navy: What a way to start a season, right folks? Dublin, Ireland, and the magic of the Aviva Stadium. Most employed Irish in one place since the last time we went over. You really can’t say enough about the boys from the Naval Academy, can you? Real student-athletes, folks. Not like some schools. Purdue! I’m talking to you. But imagine what it must be like, ladies and gentlemen, to study ship driving or beach storming all day and then line up against Stephon Tuitt for four quarters. Wow. Haven’t seen a Navy loss like that since Savo Island.
Purdue: WAKE UP, DAMMIT! The home called. They’re concerned, Purdue. Seriously, you hang with us for four quarters — Oklahoma couldn’t do that — and you were STILL INSANELY BORING! HOW. DO. YOU. DO. ZZZZZZZZZ. Outside of Tommy lining up under center and the kick sailing through, does anyone honestly have any memories of the Purdue game? Does anyone honestly have any memories of any Purdue game? The Mayo Clinic studies Purdue football to learn about the impact of boredom on the cerebral cortex. And that’s about the only studying going on when it comes to Purdue football. A 59% GSR? Really?
Michigan State: That was a huge win for the Irish, right, folks? You know, now that I’m talking about Sparty, I realize I need to apologize to Ireland. Talk about unemployment! East Lansing — what are you, in a competition with Calcutta? No wonder that stadium holds 142 trillion people — it’s the only access they have to working toilets and food all week! But what a game that was — Everett’s pass was the most entertaining hookup with John Goodman since The Big Lebowski.
Michigan:The last time someone lost a Heisman that fast was Reggie Bush. Seriously, Denard, at what point did you realize the object was to throw it to a dude in a Michigan shirt? I don’t know. Maybe it was the punishment you took against Alabama in the opener, but HOLY HECK! TO WHOM WERE YOU THROWING? I mean, with Touchdown Tommy Rees on our bench, I know that it’s kind of a glass-houses thing, but you were responsible for more turnovers than William Entenmann. That’s okay though. At least you weren’t responsible for Vincent Smith’s de-helmeting the other night. Nice. Blocking. Skunkbear.
Miami: Gotta thank the ‘Canes for making the trip to Chicago. No doubt that took a lot of coordination, what with the competing jurisdictions of Dade County and the ATF. I’m sure that was a real breeze even getting on the plane, right? I mean, how do you handle an ankle-monitor at the TSA line? Does it stay on, or do you put it on the conveyor belt?
Stanford: The only thing that made The Stand more perfect was the completely classless way David Shaw handled himself afterwards. A phantom whistle! A second shooter! Al Qaeda! Seriously, bruh, get over it. I bet it felt good turning the table against Wisconsin. Am I right? I mean tell me you didn’t break into nessun dorma when they didn’t get in. You know you did! Admit it! The rain crashing down! The helmets clanging into each other — the arms grappling — the legs churning — VINCERO!
BYU: What to say about BYU? Tough. Tough game. I mean, you lost, too, so there’s that. And then there was the whole Romney thing, what, like two weeks later, so that had to be hard. But it’s just difficult for me to poke fun at a religious institution kind of doing its own thing in the middle of nowhere. I mean, no offense, Father Sorin. At least we can thank you for stopping the wagon when and where you did, right?
Oklahoma: Tarnation that was fun, wunnit Coach Stoops? Cierre Wood tore your D open the way Louis Nix III tears open a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But I have to thank Oklahoma — HUGE stage. PROGRAM-DEFINING win. UNDERDOGS. AGAINST A TEAM IN RED. Talk about coincidence! Throw in debilitatingly powerful accents and an unholy appreciation for fresh-killed possum and I think you may have been the perfect fluffer for ‘Bama! Enormous fifty gallon hat off to you, Oklahoma!
Pittsburgh: I feel so bad for Pitt. I mean, for one, you had like eleven hundred chances to win the game and you blew it on the one play where we had eighteen players on the field. How does that even happen? Karma? No. You still have to go back to Pittsburgh.
Boston College: This was fun, really. It’s like you’re Fredo and we’re Moe Greene AND Michael Corleone. We’re smarter than you, bigger than you AND we get to smack you around. What’s that? The mafia thing hitting a little too close to home? Yeah, what IS up with that? Bunch of Irish Jesuits and you stick yourself with a coach straight out of Soprano’s central casting. Francesco “No Wins” Spaziani? His ice truck broke down in front of The Eagle Deli? That how it happened?
Wake Forest:You, I could get into. A bunch of well-dressed Southerners out for cocktails and some football. Except that once you get beyond the booze, any semblance to football and the South dissolves as quickly as bitters in bourbon. I think maybe I’ll make a campus visit during hoops season. Hide your women, Wake.
USC: Great to have you up here, too, Trojans. First team ever to start out number one and finish with six losses? Certainly the first one to do that and have the son fire his father to save his own ass, surely? How does it feel now, Kiffikins? Quit much? Nice. Bowl. Performance. What, Robert Woods and Pedro Maura thought there was too much class at USC, so they decided to have a hissy-fit after the game? Wow. But really, you have to give yourself all the credit for that loss against us, right? I mean the play calling was SUBLIME. Didn’t have an answer for pass interference, did you Lane? Well, at least you have Pat Hayden’s unending confidence and extra time to stop hemorrhaging your recruits.
Alabama: This should be fun. I mean, as a game, it’s going to be incredible. Apex defenses going at it. Coaches at the top of their game with like forty months to prepare. But as a spectacle, does it get better? Private, Catholic school that basically invented the modern collegiate game bringing a fan base with the self-confidence of a crippled wildebeest crossing the Mara River going against a sprawling, public, HOOBOY PAWLL WE’S GONNA KILL ‘EM. Seriously, I think Golden Domers v. Mobile Homers is being too kind. Have you been to Alabama recently? No, not that part. The part above I-10. These are people you’d think were constantly having sleepover guests for all the clean white sheets they buy and keep in their homes. Thank God the game’s being played in Miami so that we didn’t drive to Tuscaloosa. The last time a group from up north drove into Alabama on a bus, it didn’t turn out so good. But, the years have come and gone and it’s 2013, so let’s put the bad days behind us, okay, Tide? Have a big, ole sip of that moonshine AND LET’S GET IT ON!!!!!