BREAKING: South Bend and Indiana Law Enforcement Have Eradicated ALL Serious Crimes

It must be so, because last night they spent a ton of man power busting a Notre Dame student house party in South Bend and arresting 8 Notre Dame Football Players.

A party in South Bend was busted by police overnight, sending 43 people to the county jail.

It happened at a home on Washington Street. South Bend police were called in to respond to the initial complaints and the Indiana State Excise Police were called to the scene over underage drinking.

The excise police tell NewsCenter 16 that 43 people were arrested, and one was sent to the hospital for lacerations in his hand. It's not known at this time if all of the arrests were just for underage drinking.

Thank God. Now I never, ever have to worry that I've parked my car in a lousy area so I can go into a restaurant after a game. And I'll never have to wonder if I might just get stabbed for my wallet while walking 1 block off the main drag in downtown South Bend. Hurrah! The South Bend area businesses must be thrilled. Good news, guys! I can start spending my money in your establishments rather than wanting to scramble back to a major metropolitan area!

Particular kudos need to go out to the part-time law enforcement professionals - who surely must spend most of their time in neurosurgery or fine tuning the large hadron collider - who arrested Nate Montana. He of the Montana bloodline. Yes, THAT Montana, in case you hadn't heard. One can only imagine if these law enforcement professionals spent the rest of the night drinking themselves ill because they caught the famous law breaker, or because, a few hours later, after all the self-congratulatory adulation** they began to fathom that the number of lawyers who could, should the Montanas wish, be brought down upon the South Bend area probably reaches numbers far greater than they can actually count.***

Look, we get that there are "problems" with underage drinking across campuses in our country. But there are also problems like crack, gang violence, auto theft, and rape that, well, from our experience reading the South Bend Tribune, tend to happen in South Bend. A lot. Enough that it's getting to the point that we think it would be a perfectly reasonable argument on anyone's part, should they wish to make it, that going to South Bend to attend college isn't really the safest choice in the world. So, should such a person want to make that argument, they could probably use that point to sway all-American student athletes or, even, say, exceptionally bright, tuition-paying students to attend other institutions of higher learning rather than attend ND, fear for one's life on more than one occasion per semester, and then get harassed by the very same police force that should be solving these much greater problems (and failing).****

And don't even get me started about the Excise Police. Those jokers are running the biggest scam on the tax-paying public in the history of rackets. Consuming sweet, sweet tax revenue (and the associated financial perks for their employees - mmmmm, state pensions!) to fight a battle that doesn't exist. If ever there were a location to hold a Tea Party convention, it would be right in front of the ISEP headquarters. Maybe I should follow the ISEP's lead and create a law enforcement agency in Indiana that doesn't actually prevent anything anyone is actually all that worried about. "The Indiana State Clown Prevention Agency," I'll call it, and I'll spend a bunch of tax money and time arresting ISEP employees.

Updated: I just found evidence on the ISEP's website that they're entirely "self funded." They've been able to offset their budget via the revenue they "generate." They "generate revenue" by running these stings and fining college kids, essentially. So essentially they "generate revenue" via "raids." Like buccaneers. Or pirates. Probably more like pirates.
** That's a euphemism.
*** And that number is apparently 43.
**** Just sayin'.

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