USC Announces “Dream Staff”

U$C has formally announced the hiring of its new staff to replace Poodle's mediocre one.

The following is a list of those announced, though some positions still need to be filled.

Head Coach: Bobby Knight

Knight comes out of retirement, from Basketball, to give the USC football program a swift kick in the pants. Knight will set the tone for the program, the direction, and will be 'the guy', but will not do any actual coaching. "Yeah, I don't really know football, but the game pretty much teaches itself at USC. We'll have the best staff and players money can buy, so...wait, that's off the record right? Ah, yeah, this interview is over", Knight said. The he tossed a chair across the room.

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Mike Leach: Offensive Coordinator

Leach comes on board and brings along his explosive "Air Attack" as offensive coordinator.

Leach will also be in charge of team discipline.

"Yargh matey, we be back" he said.

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Gargamel: Defensive Coordinator

Despite his lack of experience in the game, Gargamel has years of chasing down much smaller beings on his resume. This is pretty similar to what the USC Defense faces game to game, so they figured it was a good fit. Also, he is evil. "I am so proud to be a part of an organization that thinks like me, and acts like me. Whatever we need to do to get the job done, we'll do, NCAA be damned." Azrael the Cat will come on board with Gargamel as the official new mascot, replacing the Condom.

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Mark Mangino: OL Coach and Training Table Coordinator

Mangino will coach offensive line and assist HC Bobby Knight with "whipping these boys into shape. And I mean literally whipping." Given his obvious LOVE for food, he'll also run the training table. Hopefully the players will get to eat once in a while as well. DC Gargamel was excited to have Mangino on board..."I am pretty sure he's eaten all the smurfs. Love this guy."

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Reggie Bush: Running Backs

Bush shows he's 'sweet and innocent' by posing with Mickey. We believe you Reggie.

Reggie Bush has decided to leave the NFL to come back to his alma mater to make a difference. "I am here to make up for all the vacated wins, the lost Heisman and the lost BCS Championship that I caused. I know now it was wrong to take all that money, though it was pretty sweet being rich when I was 19." After being informed that the NCAA hadn't concluded its investigation or taken any action yet, Bush commented "Shit."

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Rod Blagojevich: Quarterbacks

Although he offered to sell his new position to the highest bidder, it looks like no one else would take the job. So Rod is in. "I don't think this hair could ever fit in a helmet, so I've never played, but I'm going to give this thing a whirl and see where it takes me. It can't be worse than Celebrity Apprentice."

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Jim Leavitt: DL

This cop is with me all the time. I really don't know why.

Leavitt comes on board from South Florida. Yeah, he fits in.

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The Kraken: Defensive Backs

In an interesting move, USC brought in The Kraken to coach defensive backs. But, in a bit of a surprise move, they chose the 1970's original Kraken over the 2010 fancy-new-CGI Kraken. A bit teary-eyed, The Kraken issued this statement:

"RAAAAAAAAAAGH. ACH KRAKEN GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH!"

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Simon Cowell: Graduate Assistant/Linebackers Coach

Upon departure from American Idol, Cowell explored a few opportunities in the LA area, and then decided to head to USC as a GA and LB coach. "Absolutly atrocious" is how the megamillionaire brit described USC's tackling last season. Randy (my dawg) chimed in with "pitchy man. pitchy. for me."

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Dave Watson: Special Teams

Despite his drug addiction...well, BECAUSE of his drug addiction, Watson was brought back. HC Knight commented "This guy is a great coach. And the revenue that he's generated on the side by selling drugs has been a boon. We have to keep him in here. He fits right in with our philosophy. And he's ALWAYS really energetic and fun to be around."

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Mark McGwire: Strength and Conditioning

McGuire is the perfect fit. No one anywhere questions this hire. At all.

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Urban Meyer: Recruiting Coordinator (He's not coaching right now as he's taking a TON of time off to spend with his family and rest. But he'll coach in the future. He really will. He PROMISES. WOULD HE LIE?)

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JoePa: Liaison with the Devil

In order to keep all of the coaches and players academically qualified, in superior shape without a HINT of 'roids, and well, alive forever, JoePa has left PSU to work exclusively with Satan at USC.

"It's the right time" JoePa said. "Let's do this thing."