Nearly 150 days after being created, the Unversity of Notre Dame Committee on Campus Safety, Security and Hospitality – specifically on football weekends – has submitted the results of their work: 12 typed pages (no word on double or single spacing) detailing (as much as one could in 12 pages) 21 recommendations to university don Fr. Jenkins.

We haven’t found anyone willing to share all of the details of the report, but our spies did manage to gather some intel by digging through the committee’s trash and retrieving scraps from rough drafts of the report. We can’t say for sure if the reccomendations below are included in the final draft or not, but they do provide some insight into the group-think of the Committee on Campus Safety, Security, and Hospitality.

• Recommendation #1: Go directly to the end. Do not read Recommendations 2-20. Most of it just reads, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet…” anyway. We’ve met 4 or 5 times now, and most of us can’t even remember what we’re trying to accomplish (no thanks to your nebulous instructions anyway). We feel like nothing more than a puppet-committee, and we could fill the next several pages with letters to Penthouse and it would probably benefit ND alumni as much as any real recommendations we could formulate. Besides, we can’t keep doing this if Bob continues to insist on eating his tuna salad sandwiches at the conference table.
• Recommendation #3: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Proin erat justo, vestibulum fermentum, sagittis a, posuere ut, nisi. Nulla facilisi. Praesent porttitor quam non mauris. Pellentesque quis sapien. Curabitur in libero id nulla viverra pulvinar. Cras malesuada tortor quis enim. Sed ut orci. Mauris id sapien. Sed vitae metus sit amet nisl rhoncus euismod. Cras scelerisque leo sit amet est. Aenean venenatis velit a tortor. Maecenas elementum dolor et dolor. Curabitur eget lacus. Sed molestie, erat eget tincidunt lobortis, quam ligula vestibulum velit, in interdum est est nec nunc. Vestibulum vitae justo. Praesent facilisis velit tristique tortor. Vestibulum nisl felis, faucibus sollicitudin, hendrerit at, consequat in, erat.
• Recommendation #6: More sunshine. Who doesn’t like more sunshine? Plus the added sunshine will cause ND visitors to squint often and avoid viewing objects that are far away or hovering overhead.
• Recommendation #12: More cute little kids in leprechaun outfits. Our study found that much of the Notre Dame fanbase makes a false assumption that all leprechauns are male, and so only young boys are ever dressed, willingly or unwillingly, in leprechaun garb for Notre Dame football games. Our findings suggest a very ripe market for girl-leprechauns. This could also result in new revenue sources for the Notre Dame Bookstore.
• Recommendation #18: More pavers. The committee has observed the reckless habit of many ND campus visitors who walk on the grass of the campus quads, destroying the grass in the process. The solution is obvious: More pavers on the quad, delineating clear paths for the money-laden sheep fans, alumni, and friends of the university. Just think of the opportunity to raise money with commemorative pavers!
• Recommendation #21: X-Ray Vision Technology. The United States Transportation Security Administration has commissioned the creation of this technology to handle the people traffic that flows through some of the busiest airports in the country. How much more difficult would it be to apply the same technology to the entrance gates at ND Stadium? Hey! Maybe we could get a government grant for applying the technology!

Note: We can’t verify in any way that these recommendations were included in the final report, or that our spies are competent or real, or that anything in the above items were not completely made up by someone.

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