When will Starbucks know they’ve shut down too many stores? Right around the time I start getting the shakes because, without really noticing it, I’m addicted to coffee the way Robert Palmer is hooked on love. So, in other words, right about now.

The Roundup:

• A nice piece on Chris Watt, soon-to-be OL at ND.
• When does this site link to work by Brian Cook? When he points something out about another team we hate that we enjoy.
• Zach Hillesland took time out from losing 4 straight basketball games to write a piece for the NYT. SCHWAAAANNNN!
• Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be football players…
• The PAC-10 may soon look forward to disastrous foreign relations.
• And some part of the PAC-10 may get to look forward to even more disaster.
• Behind the Music: FSU and Miami’s Recruiting Glory Days.
• You kind of get the feeling Poodle Pete didn’t do much on-the-job training on NCAA rules compliance with Sarkisian or Kiffen, eh?

Man, I learned this lesson when I was 8 – some sort of right-of-passage in my grandfather’s world or something.

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WHO?

Daniel Smith! Class of 2010 fools! Committed to the Irish today, whooooop!

But didn’t he like only have offers from IU, Purdue and Central Michigan?

Yes. He also has 4 stars and is projected to be in the Rivals 100 and he’s prototypical at 6′4″, 180lbs and has crazy stats despite having no real QB to speak of. And he looooove ND, he’s a great student…

So he must not be any good! I mean, Central Michigan….

———
And this is where I end the conversation by slapping my conversation partner upside the head. If you’re that moronic, I cannot continue to discuss this topic with you. I just cannot.

Daniel Smith is a great pickup for the Irish. Just because other teams outside of the midwest do not yet have him on their radar, doesn’t mean he won’t be, and it certainly doesn’t diminish his quality. Do you think ND has offered every recruit that every other top tier school in the country has offered? Does that diminish their luster to you? No, you still want to go get them? Then SHUT YOUR HOLE with this kind of lame logic. I know this is a vocal and ignorant minority, but that minority deserves to be called out. I am fired up about Daniel Smith’s coming on board, especially on the heels of Senor Lombard’s commitment a few weeks back. The only thing I can really ding Daniel on is the name, which isn’t his fault. I mean, when you have names like Jamoris Slaughter and Golden Tate around you, Daniel Smith just falls flat. But you can only blame the parents here – Daniel had no choice in the matter. Sad.

Welcome aboard D-Town (your new official HLS nickname), we’re happy to have you in the family!

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It’s freaking cold and it’s dark all the time. What to do until August? How about read 1000 novels? A few I’m picking up from today: Gaiman’s “American Gods,” Stephenson’s “Snow Crash,” and maybe Franzen’s “The Corrections.” Though I’m not sure about Franzen because reading about something far too familiar is sort of like getting home from working on one of the mega-corporate-campuses in the suburbs just in time to see a new episode of The Office. My God do I hate those corporate campuses.

The Roundup:

• This is very important. It’s happening at 7pm ET on ESPN. See it.
• Yeah, don’t ever let Brian Cook do your accounting for you, or you might end up with a case of Sarbanes Oxley.
• Well, glad time was spent on this on the hill.
• This one makes me think of the “physical” everyone on our HS team received before spending August practicing in 105 degree temps with 98% humidity.
• What do you do if you’re an SEC program that just made a HC hire that made a lot of people go, “whaaaa…?” Fortify the HC with the League of Extraordinary Assistants. Well, unless you’re Auburn, I guess.
• Apparently it makes sense that so many of Bush’s e-mails were lost. The Obama White House can’t find any e-mail either.

I’m re-thinking the “beer of the week” thing. Think: MQ’s looking for ways to solicit free beer. So until we figure that out, that’s gonna be on hiatus for a bit. Chance are we’ll just bring it back without free beer samplers, but we’re at least gonna try. Times are tough. I’m looking for handouts.

Feel free to suggest a beer in the comments.

Here’s a neat picture:

Source

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So a lot of action this week.  Rumor-mills about with potentially the lamest rumor ever.  Weis makes a few genius hires – in my opinion – and is working on a third.  Awesomeness.

Firts, the rumor.  Gruden to be hired day after NSD?  This is potentially the most moronic thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.  No program would ever do this for any reason.  Ever.  Why?  First, no coach would want to work at an institution that did this. Right after declaring support for a coach, they turn around and boot him?  Any coach hired would never feel secure in that job, and they’d have zero trust in the admin, and that would include the incoming hire.  Which means that the new incoming guy wouldn’t take the job in the first place.  Circular?  Yep.  Makes it impossible?  Yep.

The second reason is that the program would lose all credibility with recruits.  The entire class (or almost all of it) would transfer asap, and rightly so, after a move like that.  And the next year’s class would bolt.  And rightfully so.  The NCAA would likely grant exceptions that negate the 1-year waiting period for these kids as well.  And rightfully so.

Finally, all those assistant coaches that were recently hired, recently moved, recently started recruiting for Notre Dame would have to go and find new jobs.  They’d HATE the program for uprooting their lives only to flip right around on them.  These people left good jobs for a better one, uprooted their lives.  It would result in ND not being able to hire any quality assistants.  It would result in tons of negative recruiting.  There’s ZERO chance that any school worth anything, and especially a Catholic school with moral values like ND, would do something so heartless and mean-spirited. 

This is why ND, and every other school in the country, would never even consider such a move.  This is also why anyone that believes this rumor is an idiot.  It’s also why anyone that hopes for this to be true is an idiot, and in no way is a true ND Fan…

From moronic to genius, I LOVE these new hires.

BGS does a great writeup on the hiring of Tony Alford. I won’t recreate it all here, as it’s a really solid run-down, and I’m not into plagiarism (or spelling that much – is that even spelled correctly?). 

But a few highlights and why I love this guy:

• He’s coming on as Running Backs coach.  This keeps things nice and clean, as Weis will clearly be calling the plays again.  I am just hoping that Weis leaves gameday management stuff to Tenuta.  It’s a Head Coach-like responsibility, and one I am sure Tenuta can handle along with assisting Brown on the sidelines.
• He’s been a running back and running backs coach forever.
• He’s a tireless recruiter, and is considered one of the best out there.  More talent hooray thats good and sweet so now lets get every 5 star in the country in 2010 and destroy everyone go irish yay.
• He hates turnovers, and stresses ball security big time.  Best quote ever:  “Those guys have to understand that they’re carrying the entire program under their arms at any given time.”  Per the BGS article, Iowa State fumbled 13 times in 8 years under Alford.  Absurd.

I also love the hire of Bryant Young.  All-American at ND.  14 years in the NFL.  Young enough (pun intended, hahahahahaha!) at 36 for the kids going to school to at least recognize the name, and be in awe of his hugeness and his NFL stories and his knowledge of the game at the next level.  The fact that a guy with this kind of pedigree is coming on as a grad assistant is huge. It gives the players in one of our thinnest positions, the DL, a new mentor and someone they can relate to and be inspired by.

I see Grunhard in a very similar light, although his hiring is looking less likely.   Which I totally get – I dont know if I’d want to move my entire family with 4 kids in school at that point in life either. 

The strategy, though, is genius.  Grad Assts are often very low-level work-your-way-up guys.  These two hires/potential hires put an awesome spin on the position.  It adds to ND’s growing pedigree of being a place that will prepare you for the NFL, and since they’re alums they get the program and the school and have passion for it.   CW does a lot of things that I don’t get.  He also does a lot of things that I don’t think of.  This is one that I am loving.  If Grunhard doesn’t work out, I hope he has another similar guy in line.

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Dude’s freaking given name is “Chesley,” so what’s he do? Goes to the Air Force Academy, becomes a Fighter Pilot, flies planes all his life, and then LANDS AN AIRBUS INTO ON THE HUDSON AND SAVES 150 PEOPLE!

My firstborn son is totally getting named “Chesley.” It was going to be “Jeff,” but I’d like the kids to have a shot at growing up to be awesome.

The Roundup:

• Subway Domer’s confused. So am I.
• I wonder if Pete Carroll’s facebook status says, “FREAKING TICKED OFF!”
• This dude’s transferring from LSU (back) to Harvard. And he’s a football player. Just let that one sink in for a bit.
• Malcom Gladwell looks at Texas, decides never to do there for fear of personal safety.
• Linked this one because the last pic shows that even Carroll is sick of that damned song.
• Seen Bad Kermit around town, dancing in the streets, singing in falsetto, “I’m soo excited!”? That’s because FNL is back.

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It’s not often I’m embarrassed to be a fan of Notre Dame Football due to the program itself. When the Irish went 3-9 in 2007, I was embarrassed by the performance of the team, and I was embarrassed by the record, but I wasn’t embarassed to be considered an Irish football fan. When the Irish lost to Syracuse this season, despite Syracuse’s coach already being fired, and the Orange being a miserable squad, I was embarrassed by the result, but not to be a fan of the Irish. No. Few things the Irish as a football team do on or off the field ever embarrasses me to be a fan of Notre Dame. But it seems like I’m embarassed on a pretty consistent basis to be a Notre Dame Football fan because of the associations it draws with legions of really stupid people, and today, with the hiring of new Offensive Line Coach Frank Verducci, I find myself embarrassed yet again.

See, the hiring of Frank Verducci is big news, and with big news comes big opinions from every corner of the Notre Dame Fan Universe, and by and large, those opinions are poorly informed, stupid, and, most embarrassingly of all, loud. The official press release about the hiring hadn’t even been released by the university before people were popping up on the internet to let us know that they were underwhelmed. After all, they’re so well informed that they know that the Browns, Verducci’s previous employer, sucked in 2008, so this must be a poor hire. It’s the sort of analytical and critical thinking that caused Ray Kroc to forbid special requests at McDonalds for decades, for fear that it would harm a franchise’s quality and efficiency because his employees just couldn’t handle such radical ideas.

The worst offenders, predictably, began to hem and haw over the “lack of a wow factor,” as though that matters one bit in a guy’s ability to be a position coach. I suppose these mental giants wanted to get a “sure thing” type hire, like a re-animated Joe Moore, so that they could sleep at night without worrying over the Notre Dame running game for 2009. These are, of course, the same people who check the obituaries every day to reassure themselves that they aren’t dead (minus a morbid sense of humor, of course).

It’s fine to have an opinion on the hire, but it’s not fine to be unwilling to admit that we, the entire population of the planet Earth, have absolutely no idea how this hire will turn out in terms of on-field performance of the Notre Dame offensive line. As Biscuit pointed out in his post about the hiring, there are some positives and negative in Coach Verducci’s past. See? You can actually look at this issue (and many other issues, too!) with some balance. Though even Biscuit’s negatives seem more like guesses. It’s tough to actually know the man’s negatives without doing a full career analysis, and even then, it would require real knowledge of every circumstance with direct influence on his production as a coach. For instance, that seemingly obvious negative that he was a coach with the Browns organization in 2008 certainly ignores the fact that the Browns were down to their 3rd and 4th string QBs for much of the season – talents that would make a defensive backfield fear passing-game competence about as much as my own. What I do know is that Verducci was on the Iowa staff for 10 years, and his boss back then never really struck me as the sort of guy to keep someone on staff “just for friendsies” or because he knew the kid’s dad. I also know that if the ND offense stinks in 2009 like it did so often in 2008, then we’ll probably get a new OL coach right along with a new Head Coach, so even if the new OL coach really was a re-animated Joe Moore, I wouldn’t feel any more or less optimistic about 2009 or beyond than I do today.

Though, admittedly, that would be a sight to see.

I just don’t get the semi-primates who voice their opinions so strongly in the negative without even a modicum of respect for the power of their poorly written words. This is an absolutely vital time in the recruiting cycle, and I’m sure these words of disdain do little to help the efforts of the ND coaching staff. They may not result in someone deciding that ND isn’t for them, but they sure as hell don’t help. And before you try to retort that belief by insisting that “recruits aren’t stupid,” let me remind you that they’re 17 and 18 year old kids. Of course they’re stupid. No offense to them. I was a total idiot right up through my twenties. Now, I’m proud to say, I’m only partially idiotic. So please, if you’ve got nothing nice to say, and you’ve really not thought it through, how about keeping your thoughts to yourself and off a medium that reaches every corner of the globe and is easily accessed, indexed, and searched by anyone who’s even heard the term “world wide web.”

So welcome, Coach Verducci. I hope you have great success at ND. I hope the rumors are true and that I’ll see you really laying into the OL the moment they look anything less than sharp on the football field. And I hope that in 2010 we’ll be worrying about whether or not you’ll get hired away to some offensive coordinator position at a school on our near-future schedule. You’ve got a big challenge and a huge opportunity ahead of you. Good luck.

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I rarely link to posts on message boards.  Mostly because I don’t read them that often, and the content often sucks.  Jonesman at Irishenvy.com came up with a great recruiting summary though, right after Pollard switched his allegiance back to UCLA. (booooo).  Anyway, it’s a solid effort, so I’m linking to it here, and posting below with a few minor edits to reduce the length.  I’m not putting it in block quotes simply because it’d be harder to read, but yes it’s pretty much a cut-and-paste job.  I’ve had similar thoughts and he’s already done the work so why re-invent the wheel?

My thoughts in general:  ND recruiting remains very solid.  After 2 Top 10 years this year’s class will be somewhere between 11 and 20, but it will fill most of our big needs.  The areas where I feel we’re missing are the DL (DE, DT and NT, and maybe the OLB/DE hybrid type), and Safety.  Other than that, we’re really locked up this year.  Of COURSE I’d ABSOLUTELY LOVE to get some top talent in a few other positions – LBs in Jenkins and Teo, Gaffney at FB, etc.  And while those guys are strong, strong talents that can be game-changers, these aren’t clear needs from a roster/talent perspective.  I always want those guys with us, and I’m praying we get 1-2 more big time guys in.  But if not, I think we just need to crush on the DL in 2010, and continue our success in other areas.  From all the reports, CW’s staff got out really early on the 2010 guys, made a lot of progress, then sorta slowed up.  But once we lock in this class in early Feb, I expect another all-out push for the 2010 guys to materialize. 

Anyway, without further ado, Jonesman speaks.  Read his sage words:

“Over the last few days we have seen many folks here freak out because we lost a recruit who went back to his original choice. Further, because we have less than 20 recruits and our ranking is out of the Top 10, some folks are on the cliff ready to jump.   [However, ] the world is not crumbling around us.
First, just the facts. CW has brought in three Top 10 recruiting classes. He has loaded the skill positions with 5* talent. He is courting the best LB in the country in Manti Teo who has us in his top 3. Analysts are already stating that ND is in the drivers seat for a Top 5 class in 2010.

Second, how do we stand at each position?? Let’s look.

QB>>>>> We have Clausen with 2 years and Crist with 4 years of eligibility. We have a Montana as a back-up. So, would any real talent want to come in and sit for 4 years, NOT. We already have several in our sights for next season which is realistic.
2009 verdict – No commits, no problem.

RB>>>>> We have a stable of 4 studs. We have two serious talents coming.
2009 verdict – full house, sweet.

FB>>>> We have Schwaap for one more season and Paskorz for 3 years. Need is one every other year. Gaffney is still in play.
2009 verdict – Nice if we get Gaffney, but not critical

TE>>>> We have two studs in Ragone and Rudolph along with another potential in Fauria. They all have 3 years. We got 2 guys this year who are mid tear guys with good upside.
2009 verdict – Two guys, upside talent.

WR>>>> The talent pool is spilling over. Floyd, Tate, Kamara all have 2-3 years. Walker and Goodman 4 years and skills. Shaq is great get considering the full depth. Nobody else was going to come aboard.
2009 verdict – perfection

OT>>>> Duncan and Young with 1 year left. Dever, Romine, Clelland with 3-4 years and solid talent. We got Martin who is solid tackle.
2009 verdict – good would have liked one more.

OG>>>> We have Olsen for 1 more year. Stewart has 2 years. Nuss and Robinson 3 years. Bullard and Watt are committed. Talent and depth are there.
2009 verdict – perfection

OC>>>>> Wenger has 2 years, Bemenderfer 1. Cave and Golic still have 4 years. No need currently. No offers
2009 verdict – none as expected

NT>>>> We have Ian Williams for 2 more years. Newman for 4 years. We needed one here, got none.
2009 verdict – dissapointing

DT>>>> Hafis, Nwanko and Cwynar for 4 years. We need two studs here. We got one in Stockton.
2009 verdict – one stud, needed two

DE>>>> KLM and Ethan Johnson have 3-4 years. Johnson is AA in the making. Need two. Fox is listed at LB, but will most likely become a DE/OLB highbreed like Neal and Fleming. We are still in the mix for Custis and now Buchanon. If we close on one of those, we will DE need.
2009 verdict – half way there, either Custis or Buchanon means perfection.

ILB>>> Smith, Smith and Smith return for next season. Brian has 2 years left. McDonald, Filer and Poz will be here for 3-4 years. We would llike to have 2 but need one for sure. Carlo is committed and Manti is a possible.
2009 verdict – looking good, could be AWESOME

OLB>>>>Fleming and Neal have 2-3 years left. Filer could move OLB, so could Brian. Need 1, with 2 being perfect.
2009 verdict – Motta is perfect fit, would like 1 more.

S>>>> McCarthy and Brown have 1 more season. Smith has 3 years. Dan McCarthy has 4 years. Gaines could return and give more depth for 2 years. Would like to have two, need 1.
2009 verdict – big miss so far, Moore could change it all. Late charge at Starling possible.

CB>>>> Walls and McNeil for 1 more year. Blanton and Gray for 3 years. Slaughter for 4 years. The need is for one for sure. Two would be good in case, Walls leaves after 09 and Gray does not return.
verdict – Banks and Nyshiere fit the bill, solid.

Kicker>>>> Walker has turned the corner. He has 2 years left. Taush and Turk fill the class.
verdict – full house

2009 Cupboard Results after this class arrives:

Full Cupboards – Lots of meat and potatoes. Extra helpings and some desert. Replenish as needed.
QB, RB, WR, TE, K/P, OL

Solid Cupboard with lean stock. These cupboards are great for 2009, but not beyond. Restocking needed.
CB, Safety, ILB, OLB

Ole Mother Hubbard Cupboard. These only contain a couple good meats at each position. Need grocery cart full of goods.
DT, DE

Final thoughts, CW is doing pretty darn good job again in 2009. Furher, he does not want to fill to many spots which could take away from 2010 class which has much more talent as stated by almost evey recruiting service.”

Hat Tip to you Jonesman.  Hat Tip to you.

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John Latina has been replaced with Frank Verducci, aka “The Duch” aka “Frankie the Finger” aka “Little Frankie”  aka “Big Frankie” aka “The Verde” aka “Frank the Tank” as he’s known in Jersey.

You can read the bio in the link.  Lots of NFL experience, lots of college experience with the OL at Iowa.  Seems like a pretty solid hire, but I’ll reserve judging until next Fall when I see if our big boys can move little boys 2 yards consistently.

What I like: 

• Solid recruiter – was recruiting coordinator, clearly can build rapport with players, Top 10 recruiter according to Lemming in ‘90, and clearly has strong ties to NJ.  Now, given that Weis has strong ties to Jersey, this doesn’t seem like a great addition.  I would’ve like a guy that’s tight in, say, Florida, but whatever.
• Tons of OL experience but also a solid experience focused on the running game.  Iowa was a run-first run-only offense when he was there, and he did the run game planning as well. 
• He brought Jamal Lewis back from the dead, which is a pretty freaking amazing feat
• Tons of experience at many levels; he won’t be learning on the job
• Looks like he’s a pissed off guy that can kick some ass; hoping that translates to our OL players

What I’m not sure on:

• Another NFL guy?  Really?  But he was a college guy before, so I THINK this negates that. 
• What kind of scheme he’ll employ
• Whether or not he’ll have the cajones to fight Weis on Weis’ scheme, if Weis insists that Weis’ scheme needs to remain unchanged
• More Jersey?  How would the Dome look at the Jersey shore?  That’s right, shitty.  Enough of the Jersey thing already. 

I’ll leave it for the smart guys like DomerMQ to dig into the scheme fit and such.  I’m more of a 10,000 foot guy.  To me, this seems like a solid hire.  Hoping he can somehow get us one miracle recruit before NSD too!

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Just some food for thought… Maybe we’ll dig in deeper or someone else will do it for us, but…

The last couple of days, it seems like the only college football news showing up in my Google Reader is news about college players who are or are not going pro. And it’s really struck me how not a single one of those news items is about a Notre Dame football player. Hell, even Boise State (!) has a guy leaving early for the draft and making waves in the news with the decision. It’s no surprise, mind you, given the makeup of the more senior classes of the 2008 squad, and the fact that ND guys will tend to stick around to graduate anyway, but when’s the last time ND fans checked message boards and scoured blogs looking for information about whether a ND player was going to go pro before his eligibility ran out? Brady Quinn? Justin Tuck?

It’s been too long. Then again, we have a feeling next year we’ll be wondering about quite a few ND players “leaving us” early to go pro.

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Florida State ex-Safety Myron Rolle has decided to skip his final year or eligibility and skip the 2009 NFL Draft in favor of studying at Oxford under a Rhodes Scholarship.

he will head to England for a one-year master’s degree in medical anthropology. He said he would enter the 2010 draft. In November, Rolle became the most prominent student-athlete since Bill Bradley in 1965 to win the Rhodes, which is considered the world’s most prestigious postgraduate academic award.

Congratulations to the guy. He’s well on his way to living the sort of life we, as a naive, optimistic 18 year old with way too much self-esteem, once thought we’d live. Lucky for us, we made the right “40 year decision” and attended ND, so a lifetime of wealth and power is assured, right? Much to the chagrin of far too many ND fans who just loooooove that “40 year mistake” line, Myron Rolle attended FSU, from which he graduated in 2 and a half years.

Fun side story about FSU that I share not out of bitterness, but because it was just too funny. (Back then, it was “funny ha ha,” and now it’s funny like a clown. A really sad clown.) I was “pre-accepted” to Florida State. I never applied. I never even sent a request for information from FSU. I just got a letter from FSU offering a full-ride scholarship out of the blue. It really made me think FSU was pretty desperate for “smart kids.”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a TPS report to fill out before middle-management gets on my tail. The boss really hates it when he has to tell “Resource 3T18f9″ to do something twice.

PS – I need to apply for this job.

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Much has been made about Tim Tebow’s eye-black phrases. Typically, he wears eye-black strips marked with a biblical passage reference. For example, last night, in the BCS Championship Game, Tebow wore “John 3:16″ which reads:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

And, obviously, Fox’s Thom Brennaman saw that and thought the passage was in reference to Tim Tebow himself.

But we at HLS have learned that the markings on Tebow’s eye-black must be approved by the equipment managers and the Florida Sports Information Department. And after we learned this, we bribed someone so we could get the rejected eye-black submissions from Tebow*. As you’ll see below, Tebow is less “wholesome,” and more “capitalist with juvenile sense of humor.”

*Not really. We didn’t bribe anyone, and these are all fake. Please don’t sue us, humorless Florida people.

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We at HLS are seriously connected. We have access to pretty much anyone we want in the college football world, and we have sideline passes and credentials and box suites and free mini corn dogs and all that shite. Because of our unprecedented pull, we were able to actually sit in the Producer’s Booth during the FEDEX BCS NC Game. It was awesome. A play-by-play of how the producer calls the game, each play at a time. The way the magic happens, from a sporting and TV standpoint! AWESOME! Right? RIGHT! Wait, but no, this is Fox…

Here’s the play by play of our time in the booth tonight…

Kickoff.

Announcer:  Great opening run-back.

Producer:  CUT TO THE F-ING BAND ALREADY!!!!!

Band plays lame 30 second fight song.

Announcer:   3 Yard gain!  (it was a 4 yard gain)

Producer:  GET US A SHOT OF THE BAND FOR GOD’S SAKE!  CUT TO CAMERA 2!!!!

Band’s having fun tonight.

Announcer:  Well, it’s 4th and Goal.  I say the Sooners go for it.  (It’s actually 2nd and goal).  Wow, they’re going for it!  I really thought they should, but wasn’t sure they would.  OH AND THEY’RE STOPPED.

Producer:   THE BAND THE BAND!!!

Announcer:  Well, they’re going for it AGAIN.  WOW!  Really crazy.  OH AND THEY’RE STOPPED!!!!!  AMAZING DEFENSE ON 5th DOWN BY FLORIDA!!!!!!!

Producer:  GET ME A SHOT OF THE OU BAND ALREADY!!! THEY’RE  PLAYING THE FIGHT SONG AND DOING THAT GOOFY DANCE AGAIN, IT’S SO DIFFERENT FROM THE DAMN NFL I HAVE TO SHOW IT!

Announcer:  Okay, looks like I was wrong on the downs.  Guess it’s not 6th down, it must be 4th.  AND THEY’RE GOING FOR IT!    STUFFED!  Hey, ah, whatever your name is, was it really 4th this time?  Yeah?  Yeah.  Cool.  Damn right you should’ve helped me out there buddy.  What’s your name, Jimmy?  Jimmy, this is bush league.  STUFFED!  FLORIDA BALL!

Producer:  BAND ME!!!

Announcer:  Tebow has the ball.  Wow, that was Architecturally Accurate!

Announcer 2:  I have no idea what that means, but okay.

Announcer:  It means it’s as accurate as an architect’s drawing, duh.  I wrote that one down last night!

Announcer 2:  Uh, okay man, that’s fine.

Producer:  CUT TO THE BAND!!!!

Announcer: Okay, it’s time to give out a few awards.  Yes, #2, I know we’re only 2 minutes into the 2nd quarter, but FEDEX paid us some cash-money-records, so let’s give them what they want. 

Fedex’s best pass play goes to obvious-play-number 1 and to Percy Harvin because he’s fast and the ball went in the air.  The best running play goes to a good runner that just ran a good play about 3 minutes ago.  Well, yeah, there weren’t many other options as we’re only 17 minutes into the game, but it was clearly the best run so far!  And Fedex both runs (does delivery on the ground) and passes (does delivery through the air), get it? So that’s a really cool thing and we’ll mention it 40 more times to be sure you freaking get it! 

Now, the Special Teams award, which ties into…ummm, Fedex Freight?  What the F is that?  Whatever, that award goes to the OK punter who took that shot well.

Producer:  BANDBANDBANDBANDBANDBANDBANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND!

Announcer:  Now let’s go to the only male sideline reporter in the history of football.  Man-with-no-name and no-face whom we’ll never show for any reason, what’s going on down there?

Only-Male-Sideline-Guy-Ever:   Percy Harvin is only 90%, but he’s still wicked fast! Back to you!

Announcer:  Check out this 4-way picture in picture screen we have now!  WOW!  We can see 4 small versions of a lot of stuff going on and it doesn’t tell us a thing!  That’s crazy cool.  Look, that guy’s doing that, this guys is…

Announcer 2:  WAIT, we just missed 2 plays.

Announcer:  Whatever!

Producer: BAND ME!

FIN.

Editors Note:  Thank the Good Lord that ESPN won the BCS rights starting in 2011.  It pains me to think that Fox will broadcast a few more MNC games, but at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s weird, Fox can do the NFL fine.  They absolutely SUCK at CFB.  NBC does as well, but at least it lets me see a bunch of games I’d normally miss out here on the West siiiide.  The BCS broadcast I’d get no matter what, and I just can’t handle Fox anymore.  They could not do a worse job, it’s impossible.

Fox?   Yeah, you?  

Boo.

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So this is our National Champion?  Florida?  Really?

I mean, FREAKING REALLY?

After a season with so much competition, so many close games, a lot of great talent and a lot of great moments, we’re forced to settle with the Gators as our MNC?   This is freaking preposterous.

The “best” team in the nation lost to Ole Miss. They lost to a team that lost to Wake Forest, Vanderbilt, South Carolina AND straw-man-team Alabama. 

I’m not saying that UF didn’t deserve to be in the conversation.  Any one-loss team in the Top 10 or so, plus Utah, deserved to be in that discussion.  But really, does anyone other than Gator fans feel like this is ‘right’?  This feels even more broken than years when there have been undefeated teams from ‘major’ BCS conferences left out of the NC.  It’s starting to piss me off.

And it’s not just because I think Urban Meyer and Florida completely suck.  Yes yes – they don’t care for student-athletes and they don’t care for education of student-athletes.  But that’s not why I’m pissed. I’m pissed because the system just doesn’t make sense.  It’s amazingly arbitrary, and is so influenced by pre-season rankings, which are completely random shots in the dark, it’s amazing. 

Is UF the NC?  I don’t think so.  Do I know who is?  Nope.  Do I care?  Hell yes.

A playoff is needed.  Top 8 BCS teams, duke it out.

It’s the only way .

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Well, I have to say that I didn’t really expect this.

Defensive line coach Jappy Oliver was fired Thursday after four seasons under Weis, two sources close to the team have confirmed.

Defensive line coach Jappy Oliver is out after four seasons under Weis, Notre Dame football spokesman Brian Hardin confirmed Thursday. Hardin said Oliver “resigned to pursue other career opportunities.”

Of the coaching changes that have occurred this off-season, I wasn’t really looking at Coach Jappy Oliver. While DL recruiting has been a rather difficult proposition in Weis’ 4 years, I felt Oliver was getting quite a lot out of the talent on hand. (And I’ve got my own Freakonomics-esque theory about why ND has a hard time recruiting at DL.)

Obviously, if you’re a regular reader, you can guess that I’m less than thrilled that Jappy’s firing is the first we’re hearing about. I’m not crushed that he’s gone, but I’m a little confused why we’re not hearing about someone else first.

Good Luck to Coach Oliver in the future.

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Seriously.

Do you remember in Junior High when you were dating that cute girl?  Let’s call her, ummm, I have no idea how to come up with a made-up name for a girl that I seriously didn’t date.  I really didn’t!  Never!  Let’s just go with Megan.

Okay, so you’re dating that cute girl in Jr. High – Megan.  She was from across town, had short brown hair (just saying, she MIGHT have) and she played “Kiss or Kill” with you at your friend Jim’s house on Halloween (again, all hypothetical).  It was your first boyhood romance and you were all smitten.  SMITTEN by a 7th grade girl.  You “date”, which means you make out here and there and pass notes and otherwise act like a 7th grade moron for a few weeks.  Then it gets annoying.  “Megan” is all up in your mix all the time.  And, by the way, Whitney has a crush on you, you hear.  Whitney is hotter and more popular, by the way, and since you’re a 7th grade boy, you’re automatically thinking about trading up.  This gets around, even though you have no intention of acting on it.  You were just thinking about it!  Of course, the beautiful yet heartless Megan gets worried.  “Is he going to dump me? Oh, that’d be horrible!”  And then?   

BOOM, you’re dumped.  By Megan’s best friend even, acting as a representative for the female half of the equation.  Why? WHHHHHYYYYY???? OH LORD WHY????

It’s the pre-emptive dump!   Megan, you heartbraking harpie!  Dumping me – um, no, “you” – because she thought you were going to break up with her, and she had to beat you to it.  She just had to!  Because her little ego couldn’t HANDLE you dumping her!

That’s Gene DeFilippo.  His lawyer is his friend, and you’re the Jagoff.  Gene dumped Jags through his best friend because he didn’t like Jags hearing about/flirting with interest from another, hotter, more popular girl. 

Hence, BC’s AD is a 7th Grade Girl.   Perfect if you ask me.

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