Purdue Alumni Around Nation Feeling Alienated

Raleigh, NC - Already having to deal with the impending retirement of their football savior, Joe Tiller, at the end of the 2008 season, Purdue University graduates around the country are finding it harder and harder to feel connected to society at large. The latest blow to their already fragile psychologies was the sudden announcement that the Bennigan's chain of restaurants has shuttered their doors forever.

"It's been a long, cold month," said 2000 Purdue Grad Dennis Thompson, now living in Raleigh. "I mean, I had a real relationship with Bennigan's, or 'Ben's," as me and my friends liked to call it. We had some great times there. Great times. Hell, back in the day, I took my prom date to Bennigan's. How do you get back a lost piece of personal history like that?"

Meanwhile, in other parts of the country, the news has made Purdue alumni doubt their place in the world. Michelle Barton (Purdue '03), now of Schaumburg, Illinois, who goes by "Miche," among her friends, explains, "There was just nothing like it. Nothing like the warm embrace of their baked potato soup with the bacon in it. Real bacon. And the soothing color of all that Blue Curacao in their mixed drinks. And my husband, he's also a Purdue grad. He used to tell me there was just nothing like finishing a long week of work at the plant with a cold Killian's Irish Red at 'the bar,' as he liked to call it. Luckily, we live in Chicago, one of the great food cities of the world. They may take our Bennigan's, but they can never take our Olive Garden." Asked if she'd ever tried one of the several dozen establishments within Chicago regularly listed on top of national restaurant rankings or mentioned in a litany of food critiques, this reporter simply received a glossy, blank stare.

The close relationship between Bennigan's and other such national food chains and Purdue graduates is easy to explain, says sociologist Leroy Gunther, "People tend to seek out like-minded people. Establishments like Bennigan's serve as meeting places for like-minded people. Yesterday's town square is today's faux-mahogany bar. Everything about Bennigan's served to relate to a certain type of people, and Purdue graduates fit that profile. Just look at the decor in a typical Bennigan's. It's full of silly pieces of tchotchke. Then think about Purdue University and that gigantic drum of theirs. That big drum is just a big, silly piece of tchotchke."

Pictured Here: Purdue Tchotchke

Some Purdue graduates are taking the news in stride and seeking out alternatives for their expendable cash. Tom Welters, 1997 Purdue graduate and resident of Denver, says he's found a new home for his social activities, "I admit, I'll miss feeling a connection with the Irish people every time I bit into a Bennigan's Authentic Irish French Fry, but I've found someplace even more authentically Irish. It's called 'Fado'.' How do you like that? 'Fado',' heh. It's great. They even play soccer on their big televisions. I have no idea what's going on during the games, but I think I've found HQ for St. Patrick's Day, 2009, if you know what I mean!"

The troubles for the Purdue graduates could get worse before they get better. Word in business circles is that many Baker's Square locations could be closing in the coming months, practically annihilating the typical Purdue graduate's ability to provide dessert options at holiday dinners, and the entire chain of Ruby Tuesday's has entirely eliminated all evidence of tchotchke from their outlets, essentially turning their backs on the Purdue graduate revenue stream.