Yeah. Pretty sure this has been done before, possibly even by us here at HLS, but with a new season comes a new set of commandments. After all, commandments are a “living document,” right? It’s not like they’re written in stone or something. We’re big fans of commandments, particularly the ones that are easy not to break. I’m pretty sure none of the Loyal Sons have killed anyone. Personally, I live in a neighborhood with a lot of retirees, so coveting neighbors’ wives is pretty easy to avoid, though some of these guys have a lot of cash, so their houses and cars are pretty sweet.

Anyway, with the 2008 season nearly upon us (but not as nearly as it could be if the ND admin would get their act together), we present you, the Notre Dame Football Fan, with these 10 18 commandments…

1. Thou shalt never utter a phrase like, “[Freshman Player's Name] reminds me soooo much of Zorich.” No. He doesn’t. He cannot. Freshman Player is, A) still only a freshman, and as a freshman, even Zorich didn’t seem that much like Zorich, and B) Just not Zorich. Your heresy is evidence of your lack of understanding. Saying someone is “Zorich-like” is akin to saying someone is “Jordan-like,” but in this context, it actually matters. And it’s unfair to Freshman Player to boot.
2. Thou shalt never say Michigan (sucks!) without saying “sucks!” And we’ll be watching. If we catch you doing it wrong once, we’ll be all over you like Jon Tenuta on a linebacker that doesn’t keep his eyes up. If we catch you doing it wrong over and over again we’ll go Colonel Jessup on you in the middle of the night.
3. Thou shalt not make any reference, written or verbal, to “returning to glory.” My God, if you’ve still got one of those shirts, burn it. Right now. Whever you are. And no, I don’t care that you’re reading this from a Blackberry during mass. If the priest objects, just explain it to him. It’s pretty likely he’ll understand and lend you some fuel. There is no returning to glory. It’s metaphysically impossible. ND can return to a state of being a perennial top-5 team. ND can return to a state of being a team that slaughters all opponents. ND cannot return to the glory of the past. It makes no sense, and we wouldn’t want that glory any how. The clothes were pretty funny looking back then. In the words of a Gooney, “This is our time.” It’s time for ND to perform in such a way as befitting the history and pride of the program, but leave our bygone glory alone.
4. Thou shall not, at any point in the season, suggest that Harrison Smith be tried on offense. The same for any well-established player being tried on the opposite side of the ball. Think Neal should move to OLB? Okay, but if you for one second want to see him at TE, open your fridge and make sure you keep your mouth busy with a beer rather than with spewing stupid ideas.
5. Thou shalt not criticize the play of any single player on the team if you only know them by number. College Football is a rich and varied opera filled with complex characters. If you’ve got a problem with the way #XX takes on a block, or #YY catches the ball, but you can’t name them on sight, shut up. The Notre Dame uniform is a wonderful litmus test, and you just came back positive for a case of Casual Fanitis. Congratulations, you’ve been relegated to going to the nursery with your wife on Saturday afternoons in the fall because, really, ND football isn’t that important to you. No. I don’t care that you donate money every year.
6. Thou shalt not write poetry heralding the Irish, any single player, or any facet of the Notre Dame Football Program. Exception: Funny limericks, of course. This is not some ancient time, and you, sir, are not a renaissance man. All this world has time for these days is prose and ass-kicking. I don’t care if you could, in fact, slay a bull and then write an ode to a vase in one afternoon. If you’ve really got to hold onto that “well rounded” side of your personality during the season, think more Maximus from “Gladiator” and less Three Musketeers at least.
7. Thou shalt not draw trend lines with N data points where N < 3. If you find yourself, particularly in the middle of a rant about the play of the fighting Irish, using terms like “clearly” and/or “obvious,” then you’d better have the facts/stats to back it all up. And again, we’ll be watching, and if you don’t have your **** together, we’re going to bring the swift sword of factual counters down upon your head until all you see is red. May God do what he will with you after that.
8. Thou shalt reserve judgment until the facts are in. Probably harder to do than not coveting your neighbor’s wife when you live in Lincoln Park, this commandment gives you the opportunity not to play right into that cliche about how ND fans are off their freaking rockers. Sure, it’s okay to express glee, agony, or any other emotion during play, but before you hang out at the water cooler or on message boards on the following Monday, explaining what “really happened,” in your “honest opinion,” make sure you go back and take a look at what really did happen. You make a lousy eye witness, I promise you. So do I. So does everyone.
9. Thou shalt not listen to any rumors that are passed to you by more than 1 degree of separation by the primary source. You have no idea why so-and-so wasn’t seen by the media at practice yesterday, and neither does your friend’s buddy. Your friend’s buddy also has no idea if “all the other players” like or dislike so-and-so, or if so-and-so is in Coach X’s doghouse. In fact, it’s pretty likely your friend’s buddy is just messing with your friend because he’s an idiot. Get new friends. And if you see a rumor posted on one website, do not go and make a post on another website asking if anyone knows anything about the rumor posted on the first site. We’re all looking at the same sites already. Stop it.
10. Thou shalt know the difference between an end-around and a reverse. For the first time in a long time, it’s arguable that Notre Dame actually has a fair bit of speed. As a result, some of you may be shocked and amazed at the execution of certain plays that employ something called “misdirection.” Please, for the children, if Golden Tate scores on an end-around, don’t talk about how awesome “that reverse play” was.
11. Thou shalt not parse Charlie’s words. Charlie’s a frank guy. He’ll let you know what he wants you to know, and he wont let you know anything else. When it comes to Charlie, if it went unsaid explicitly, then it went unsaid implicitly as well. Stop trying to apply the Rosetta Stone.
12. Thou shalt not ask “what if…” Because nobody knows what if, and no amount of people trying to guess at what if will make you feel better anyway, you pansy. How do you get up in the morning if you find not knowing the future so debilitating? There’s no way to tell what if if the Irish win their first 4 but then go on some sort of skid and only barely make a minor bowl. No way to tell anything by beating Michigan (sucks!).
13. Thou shalt know the math. Know how many athletes can be on scholarship. Know how many new scholarship players may be signed in a year. Know how many can “make the bus.” Some of you may even want to look up how many players can be on the field for one team at a time. Go on, do some homework.
14. Though shalt not ask aloud, “Why don’t they just have Golden Tate go deep every play?” Ugh. Why don’t you just go cheer for Purdue or something?
15. Thou shalt not make fun of ND fans wearing funny pants. Those are important men doing important work, the magnitude of which you can’t possibly fathom. I’d explain more, but I’ve already said too much.
16. Thou shalt not repeat anything said by Mark May. We don’t care. Nobody cares. The broadcasting of Mark May’s voice is simply a clever way to ensure that no moment in time go without some sort of signal being emitted from earth out into the universe. You know, to keep the aliens away.
17. Thou shalt never utter “I hope I’m wrong.” Yeah. We all hope you’re wrong. And we’re all glad that you went and said “if X happens, then that’s really bad.” No kidding. Hey, if the sun doesn’t rise tomorrow, that would sort of suck. Wow. Yeah. I feel better. Hey, if you fall into a well and nobody ever comes by to save you, that would be bad. And by bad, I mean good for humanity because you don’t really hope you’re wrong. You hope you’re right so your ego will be stroked just a bit. You probably still wonder why you got beat up all the time in grade school.
18. Thou shalt not care about “Weis vs. Willingham II.” For starters, Weis already beat Washington and Willingham the first time they played. For another, Weis had nothing to do with Willingham getting fired - that was all Willingham. And for another, if you get sucked into it, it’ll just perpetuate the story that media wants to create. It’s ND versus Washington. A loss wouldn’t vindicate Willingham any more than a win of 54-0 would vindicate ND. No matter what occurs, the media will spin it in a way that will make you unhappy. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised to see headlines about ND “piling on.”

Good luck keeping to these commandments. Realize, as we do, that you are not infallible, and you can be forgiven for your trespasses. You cannot, however, be forgiven for serving lousy beer at tailgates and game watches, so be careful there.

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