In determining which of these three candidates would make the best Commander in Chief, or, rather, which of these three candidates should “make the call” during this nation’s most crucial moments, I’ve tried to imagine them as offensive coordinators. I could have imagined them as defensive coordinators, but let’s face it; this is America. F&%$ Yeah!

Barack Obama’s offense would be at once complex and simple. He’d insist that rather than break every offensive huddle with “1-2-3 Break!” they end with “Yes We Can!” And then the team would always have a spring in its step on the way to the line of scrimmage. His scheme would rely on “taking what they give us” and “giving them all we can.” He’d be renowned for negotiating his way thru any defensive posturing, always convinced that any perceived impasse could be overcome if you have enough spirit and will. His one real weakness would be that the defense always knows when the ball is to be snapped - with 1 second left on the play clock - because his offense relies on inordinately inspiring and eloquent pre-snap cadences that take as much time as they possibly can. Obama will try to institute novel new plays like the “hook and ladder with a forward lateral starting with 4-men on the line of scrimmage.” When officials flag the play and tell them he can’t do that, you can guess as to his response.

Hillary Clinton’s offense would focus not on what the team can do, but on what the team can’t do. She’ll run a scheme known as the “Double Pander Split Y-Us.” Her scheme will be designed to ensure that anything the offense can’t earn will be handed to them. Her offenses will break from the huddle with a “Oh, Get on with it!” And any time someone calls into question her decision making, she’ll just glare at them, decide that they, like so many other idiots, aren’t worth the time of day, and then just ignore them for the rest of their lives. Players will fear her because of various urban legends involving people in her past that didn’t give her what she wanted and then suddenly stopped showing up in public alive.

John McCain would take years to discover the forward pass. But once he did discover it, and once he became familiar with the “lethality” of the forward pass, he would come to exploit the forward pass in ways previously unseen. Until such time, McCain would be legendary for making remarks like “It might take our team the entire game before we win it,” which would drive his critics absolutely bonkers. Defensive coordinators would fear McCain because of his freighter-load of experience coupled with “just enough crazy” that he might pull a “Crazy Ivan.” In fact, McCain would likely name all of his plays things like “Crazy Ivan” due to his longing for the Cold War, or, “The Good Times.” Teams would, of course, positively fear “The Reagan,” more due to hype than much historical proof of effectiveness.

The Roundup:

• Tim Floyd has taken what Pete Carroll started, namely the exploitation of Hollywood in favor of SoCal, to a new level.
• No porn for your iPhone.
• Guilty!
• At this rate, it was probably an Iowa Football player that “bombed” Times Square yesterday.
• All they have in Miami today is hope. And gorgeous weather. And a vast population of model-worthy women. And a terrible housing market.
• This is truly sad.
• Haha, Penn State! Cowher’s not coming to revive you!
• No. I swear, baby! It’ll help align your jaw so you can maximize your performance! Trust me!
• But what about Brett Fah-ver-uh?
• “Are You Sure You Wish to Delete Post Titled: ‘Notre Dame and the Wicked Bench of the West?’” Yes.

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