Seriously, What Leaks?
The Titanic: Definitely Leaked
As we’ve noted a few times this week, Ron Zook and Illinois are a bit pissed about a “rival” University “leaking” allegations of improper behavior by Zook and his staff in their recruiting efforts. So I ask, what are the leaks? We’re as addicted to ND football as we can possibly be, and most of the media alleges that it is ND making these leaks (including this fellow, who is a crappy writers and probably actually thinks the shaved-head-plus-goatee look is a good one), but we have no idea. So what the heck are the accusations?
Here are some accusations:
- Ron Zook is probably lying to his recruits, telling them that they’re going to win at Illinois.
- Ron Zook is probably paying his recruits, or their families, or their highschool coaches.
- Ron Zook is probably Satan.
- Ron Zook probably made the Coca Cola Corp. think “New Coke” was a good idea.
So where did I come up with these accusations? Nowhere. They all just seemed pretty likely to me. They seem pretty likely to any sentient being, even some with whom I’ve spoken whom also hold Illinois degrees. How else does one explain how a crappy coach with an embarassing career record now coaching at a college with less recent football tradition and success than Toledo could ever recruit a class like the one Illinois just recruited? How else does one explain “New Coke?” More…
Related Posts:
So this may be a bit late, but let’s let it serve as a bit of a primer for the next batch of recruits. I think it’s the class of 2054 or something. What the hell year will these kids graduate in again? I can’t do that much math. I’ve had this in my head for a while, but the boss has had me slaving away so not much time to write…I digress.
Florida - After winning the Mythical National Title, Urban Meyer and the crew decided it would be fun to garner the Mythical Recruiting Title too, so he and the boys started to call around to top recruits whether or not those recruits were already committed to other schools. Aiming for the #1 ranking, it was clear that Urb had little regard for what positions he was actually recruiting and managed to poach 53 defensive linemen. When asked about this oversight, Urb responded, “Fuck it. That’s how I roll. #1 baby! Wooooooo!” Urb was later seen drafting plans for the inventive 10-1 defense. “Try to run on THIS, bitch!” Meyer was heard yelling to nobody in particular while scribbling with a “Watermelon” scented permanent marker on a dry-erase board.
Southern Cal - Fearing an eventual match up against Florida’s 10-1 defense in a future MNC title game, Pete Carroll recruited 18 5-star running backs. “Ever seen the Three Stooges? Man, I love that shit. That’s what our new offense is going to look like. We’re bringing back the ‘Student Body Left and Right’, but this time we’re gonna use an 8-man backfield. There’s just no way to block all those defensive linemen that Florida’s got, so we need to depend on trickery.” Carroll plead the 5th when asked about how he would get around the rule that 7 men must be at the line of scrimmage, apparently confusing that question with inquiries into how he always gets around the rule requiring college football programs not pay their players.
Texas - Mac Brown wasn’t sure which class we were asking about when we asked for his thoughts about his latest batch of recruits. When we clarified that we wanted to know about the 17/18 year old set, he smirked and said, “Son, I’ve had that locked down since 1997. This is Texas.” He then asked if we wanted to know about his latest recruiting efforts at the Houston Fertility Clinic. Stunned and a little disgusted, we declined. Also a little strange, it seemed like every time we turned a corner, we ran into Matthew McConaughey and Lance Legree. With their shirts off. Sweating.
Auburn - After signing day was over, Coach Tommy Tuberville threw his hat down on the ground, kicked a dog, and then started bitching and moaning about how it was impossible to recruit in the SEC, and that no SEC team could ever end up being number 1 in recruiting because the SEC was just too damned tough. When we pointed out all the success that fellow SEC program Florida had this year, Tuberville replied, “Ah. Is that were all of our defensive linemen went?”
Michigan - Coach Llloyd Carr was in Boca Raton celebrating his recruiting haul over the “Early Bird Special” for $6.95 at Denny’s. “I think this is great. They’ve got a great bunch of kids heading out there.” When asked why Carr kept referring to Michigan as “they” rather than “we,” Carr pretended that he couldn’t hear us as he backed out of golf-cart parking and motored away towards the Easy Swallow Retirement Community.
Georgia - Pursuing the exact opposite of rival Florida’s 10-1 defense, Mark Richt signed 81 offensive linemen. “1.2 yards and a cloud of dust. That’s what our new offense is going to look like,” said Richt as he stocked up on Gatorade Endurance at his local Costco. “I figure with 10 guys blocking and 1 of our smaller guys, say a converted guard or center carrying the ball, we’re gonna need to be prepared for some 87 play, 60 yard scoring drives.”
Washington - Coach Ty Willingham, never having a bad day in his life, was able to look on the bright side of this past recruiting season. He managed to sign more recruits than fellow Pac-10 program UCLA. When a member of the press mentioned that UCLA was close to hitting its 85-man limit, Willingham replied, “Wow. Seriously? Programs actually recruit that many guys total?”
It was pretty obvious that the new clock rules were robbing us of college football. It was also pretty obvious that the cable and broadcast companies that were showing the games were not filling out all that extra time with in-depth analysis by their experts. (Considering these companies consider guys like Lee Corso “experts,” we find that last bit to be a mercy-act.) So if the broadcast companies didn’t fill that air-time with football or analysis, what did they fill it with? Hmmm, what could it be? Oh! Yeah! The very reason for the existence of television: advertising!