Super Bowl Bans Tailgating, Supports Communism

Apparently men much smarter than the rest of us have decided to pass down a decree banning all tailgating within a mile of the Orange BowlStadium in Miami Florida on Super Bowl Sunday. Some probably guess that the glorius and righteous forces of capitalism are at work. Afterall, the ban all but guarantees that anyone who is feeling hungry or parched whilst within a mile of the Super Bowl will have to purchase their food and beverage from designated Super Bowl vending locations. However, it takes but a moment of thought to realize that this is really a microcosm of what the late-80s USSR looked like. Since nobody can have any chance at having a tailgate that is superior in quality or size to their neighbor’s, nobody will have a tailgate at all! It’s like blue jeans. Kinda. Or toilet paper.

Super Bowl ticket holders, seen here, are already wandering the streets of Miami, looking for food, beer, and some TP.

And, of course, any beer, brats, or artificially flavored, coloured (hello, readers from the UK!), cheese-like nacho toppings will have traveled through miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape before anyone can get to them, if they can get to them at all!
How appropriate is it, then, that the Super Bowl is to be held within a stadium of which the walls are crumbling on down?

Hit it, The Boss!

Editor’s Note: Um.  Yeah.  We can’t read good.