CSI: New Orleans

Grissom: What do you have for me, doc?

Dr. Robbins: Division 1 College Football Team, University of Notre Dame, 11 National Championships, 7 Heisman winners, countless All Americans.

Grissom: Sounds pretty good. What are they doing here?

Dr. Robbins: Attacked by Tigers earlier this week.

Grissom: Ah. Yeah. That'll end ugly most of the time.

Dr. Robbins: 'fraid this time was no different.

Grissom: Signs of a struggle?

Robbins: Yes. Evidence here and here shows that, at first, the Irish came out fighting, but it looks like stupidity and poor timing cost them. Dearly. And then their attacker took the upper-hand almost immediately, cutting the Irish deep.

Grissom: Sounds familiar.

Robbins: Indeed. The program shows signs of having had the very same sorts of wound several times within the last, oh, year or so.

Grissom: Hmm. Looks like a pretty healthy program to me. I don't understand why they'd lose a fight so handily.

Robbins: On the surface, yes. Very healthy. But deep down, well, that's just it, there isn't much depth. And the lack of depth caused the body of the program to depend on pieces ill suited for the functions demanded of them.
Grissom: I see. So the Tigers cut the victim deep. Game over.

Robbins: Not exactly. The first cut was deep, and the subsequent injury also hurt, but the program fought back. By the looks of things, they were very close to gaining the upper hand.

Grissom: Surprising.

Robbins: Yes. I'd imagine the Tigers started to get a bit worried, but by the looks of things, when the Tigers were backed into a wall, they sprang forward rather than retreat. And the Irish program's defenses were questionable at best. That's probably when it got real ugly.

Grissom: Thus the pulpy mess we see before us. You say they look like they've been wounded before?

Robbins: Yes. Enormous amounts of scar tissue.

Grissom: That's probably what made it difficult to fight back. All that scar tissue, coupled with a lack of depth would make it very difficult to respond to advanced adversaries like Tigers.

Robbins: Well, yes. That played a part, but I think that cancer was a big issue too.

Grissom: Cancer? What kind?

Robbins: Cancer of the mind. It results in a symptom known as Culture of Losing.

Grissom: But didn't this program win 19 games in the last 2 years? That doesn't really sound like a Culture of Losing to me.

Robbins: Yes, well, by the looks of things, the program did quite a bit of work to rid itself of the primary tumors.

Grissom: But the cancer spread to other parts of the program, and try as they might, not all of the cancer is gone?

Robbins: Precisely.

Grissom: Can such a cancer be completely stamped out?

Robbins: It's difficult, and it takes time, but yes. It can be defeated.

Grissom: Alright. So deep wounds, a lack of depth, and cancer all combined to kill this program. That's a lot of things combining to kill. Bag 'em and tag 'em doc. Looks like we'll be investigating another homicide.

Robbins: Not exactly.

Grissom: What do you mean, "not exactly?"

Robbins: I think it will be difficult to investigate a homicide without a death.

Grissom: What do you mean? We have the death. This program is toast.

Robbins: This program's defensive backfield may be toast, but I can assure you that the program as a whole is not dead.

Grissom: Ah. So it's only mostly dead?

Robbins: Do I look like a kooky witch doctor in some silly farce as told by Columbo to the kid from Wonder Years? This program isn't even "mostly dead." It's just been beaten. It'll come back. It's still got a very strong heart beat driving the whole thing, and the spirit is certainly there.

Grissom: So there are signs of life?

Robbins: Oh, most definitely. Most definitely.

Grissom: Well, that's nice to hear. Still, I think they've got a problem...

Robbins: The monkey on their back?

Grissom: Yeah. Seems to like to throw poo. Hey! I think I'll collect some to feed by bug collection. You don't mind, do you?

Robbins: Go right ahead. Weirdo.

Grissom: What was that?

Robbins: Nothing. Nothing at all.