You know how dogs can bend over and just start licking their balls? That’s what Rick Morrissey wishes he could do. Because if he did, he would, because he’s so into himself that A) He feels he deserves a good licking and B) He feels that only he is worthy of licking his balls.  It just occurred to me that I write this making one massive presumption: Rick Morrissey has any balls.
Anyway, Mr. “Love Me Some Me Long Time,” has a problem with Notre Dame. And he decided to show it by having a temper-tantrum in the style of the kid who always smelled a little like Campbell’s Chicken and Stars and never got the real Transformers for Christmas. In fact, his temper tantrum had a Christmas theme as he placed said tantrum right in the middle of his “Christmas Wish List.” Rick, you fool, Santa only brings gifts to all of God’s children, and God decided to hate you a long, long time ago to balance out the universe. Your self love is just that strong. [No Linking for HeWhoWouldTasteHimself of the Tribe Narcissusucky]

Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn: Somehow, you won the Maxwell Award over Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith. That’s gift enough.

Troy Smith: A recount.

Maxwell Award voters: Official membership in the Notre Dame glee club.

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis: A bowl victory for the Irish followed by the irresistible urge to make this statement on national TV: “I couldn’t have done it without me.”

Vegetarians: Peas on Earth.

Rick, you write with a style that would bring shame to 4th graders who get separated from the rest of class for the English “module.” “Peas on Earth,” Rick? You get paid for that? It’s like getting paid for breathing, except it requires less creativity. Here’s my Christmas wish for you, Rick: That you have a wonderful and merry Christmas, and that someone, somewhere finds a way, despite you, to love you. Because love is what the world just doesn’t have enough of. And someone actually managing to love you would be a sure sign that God exists and He can make anything happen.

Share This