Catholic Church Insiders are reporting that the Disney Company has purchased the Vatican. The Disney Company’s first step as new owners of the Catholic Church was to canonize Troy Smith in Saturday night’s ESPN broadcast of the 2006 Heisman Trophy Award Presentation. Rumors hold that Disney’s second act as “the Church” will be to enter the Pope into a Mascot “Death Match” to help drum up interest in the 2007 “dead period” between February and March when there’s nothing much to watch other than hockey and basketball.

Meanwhile, Troy Smith will, from now on, be known as “Saint Troy of Cleveland.” In the Catholic Church, St. Troy will be known as a saint of redemption, leadership, and media hype. Reluctant sources indicate that Disney/ABC/ESPN have also decided to forgo the three miracles usually required for canonization of a non-martyr, choosing instead to emphasize Troy Smith’s record against Michigan and his amazing “red-zone” production.

Sources also say that ESPN was trying to “enhance the audience’s perception of Troy Smith, the saint” by displaying a golden aura around Smith’s head any time he appeared on camera during the Heisman presentation, but it was distorting the background image of Tedd Ginn, Sr., and even the church doesn’t fuck with Tedd Ginn, Sr.

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