There are legends and there are myths.

• Legend: Shatner
• Myth: The BCS National Championship

A man. A myth. A legend.

And then there are things in between. With 32 bowl games, there are 64 bowl teams. Meaning we have about 55% of the Division 1 college football teams being designated as “bowl teams.”

• New Myth: “Bowl Team” = “Good Team”
• Other Myth: “Bowl Game” = “Good Game”

And so Her Loyal Sons is here to help you skim the cream and get to the good stuff. We figure if Stewart Mandel is qualified to rate bowl games, then you, me, and Maria, the kindly Spanish speaking cafeteria worker who always says “good morning” even at 5pm, must be qualified too. So, in order of appearance in time and space, we give you The Bowls:

• Poinsettia Bowl, December 19th: Northern Illinois v. TCU: NIU is headed to San Diego with their formerly-dark-horse-Heisman candidate Garrett Wolfe who needs only 100 yards to break 2,000 for the season. It’s the first bowl of Bowl Month. You can’t miss this one. Besides, if you don’t see it, you may not see Wolfe play much more. He’s probably headed to the NFL, where an offensive guard will swallow his tiny frame whole. Must Seeness (1 = Rachel and Ross finally do it, 5 = A very special episode of 7th Heaven, again): 2
• Las Vegas Bowl, December 21: BYU v. Oregon: It’s the clash of the traditionally top-5 ugliest uniforms in sport versus the new-hotness of ugly uniforms in 365 permutations. BYU has an offense that makes Irish fans glad we played them last year cuz these kids can now both throw AND catch the ball. Oregon has ugly uniforms. Did we mention that already? Must Seeability (1 = Final Episode of Mash, 5 = That episode of Threes Company where the Blonde does something dumb): 3
• New Orleans Bowl, December 22: Rice v. Troy: When I was applying to colleges, I remember reading that Rice’s favorite cheer was “That’s alright, that’s ok, you’re gonna work for us some day.” And people call domers arrogant. Anyway, Rice also features Jarrett Dillard, one of the best wide receivers in the country. Viewness (1 = The CBS Victorias Secret Fashion Show, 5 = The Roseanne where Roseanne teaches DJ about puberty): 4
• Pappajohns.com Bowl, December 23: Southern Florida v. East Carolina: Yarrr! We’d be more excited about this matchup (It features pirates. We love Pirates. Not in that way, sicko.), but it’s sponored by a .com (so 1999) and that .com is Pappa Johns, who used to rock when you could get 2 XL pizzas for the price of whatever time it was on a Tuesday night, but now that I can’t do that, and they changed their sauce, and their dipping sauces aren’t nearly what they were, and Southern Florida deserves to be in a bowl as much as Miami does, well, we’re just gonna skip this one. Enjoyability (1 = Rally in the Alley before it’s broken up, 5 = ResLife later that same week): 5
• New Mexico Bowl, December 23: New Mexico (whodaguessed?) v. San Jose State: It’s an inaugural bowl. Other things that had a first time: you and your first. How’d that turn out? Worth It: (1 = Just like you thought it would be, 5 = How it really was): 5
• Armed Forces Bowl, December 23: Tulsa v. Utah: When Urban Meyer left Utah for Florida like I left the cute, intelligent girl for the hottie that didn’t say many interesting things after I got contacts, Utah was supposed to fall off the map. Curious. Anyway, these 2 teams supply a fair amount of intrigue. Like a Mamet play before you realize it’s all just crap with people talking funny. Sustainability (1 = The Plot of Heroes, 5 = The Plot of Lost): 3
• Hawaii Bowl, December 24: Hawaii (as always) v. ASU: Featuring lots of shots of weather way better than what most of you will be experiencing and HLS Expert Picks Bonus Dreamboat: Colt Brennan. Watch Colt throw the ball 67 times. In the first half. Listen as talking heads extol his passing ability and the likelihood of great things to come inthe pros. Laugh 5 years from now when he’s running for his life as a backup QB for the Detroit Lions in a Thanksgiving Day game. Valuedness (1 = The Rug before the Carpet Pissers, 5 = The Rug After): 4
• Motor City Bowl, December 26: Middle Tennessee v. Central Michigan: The Battle of the Schedule Fluffers. This bowl seems to be designed expressly to make me wonder every year, “Why does Detroit ever think they’d have a tourist industry again?” Worthiness (1 = NYC, Chicago, Boston, even Vegas, 5 = Detroit): 5
• Emerald Bowl, December 27: Florida State v. UCLA: Florida State can’t do anything on offense. I repeat, they can’t do anything on offense. If they just took the snap and took a knee on every down, it would look better than the offense they like to “run.” Now imagine that offense against UCLA’s newly invented defense. A defense that scared the crap out of ND and just beat the white horse of Troy to death after ripping apart Southern Cal. Now imagine the look on Bobby Bowden’s face. Kodak Momentness (1 = You, a cowbell, and Christopher Walken, 5 = You and any Baldwin brother not named Alec): 1
• Independence Bowl, December 28: Oklahoma State v. Alabama: More interesting than this bowl will be seeing if Alabama actually manages to hire a new head coach by the time it’s played. Interest Picqued (1 = Cinemax free preview weekend, 5 = CSPAN. 2.): 5
• Holiday Bowl, December 28: Cal v. Texas A&M: TAM nearly lost to Army. I cannot stress that enough. In fact, they should have lost to Army, so what are they doing in a bowl? Still, if you believe in bowl-based trends, then this will be a high scoring affair. Why? Because it’s the Holiday Bowl, and it’s always a high scoring affair. Bullishness (1 = The Late 90s, 5 = 1929): 5
• Texas Bowl, December 28: Rutgers v. Kansas: The bowl most likely to make me think back on “My Cousin Vinny.” Rutgers has Ray Rice. Kansas has… an excellent basketball tradition. Unfuggedaboudedness (1 = That scene in Casino with the vice, 5 = Any scene in any movie ever made starring Freddie Prinze Jr.): 3
• Music City Bowl, December 29: Clemson v. Kentucky: The bowl most likely to show you indoor shots of a massive atrium of a hotel all done up for the holidays. Clemson has an awesome rushing attack. We’re not even sure if Kentucky’s defense realizes that rushing the ball is within the rules of football. Popcorn Consumability (1 = Batman Begins, 5 = The Batman with Mr. Freeze): 3
  
• Sun Bowl, December 29: Oregon State v. Missouri: 2 Ships passing in the night. One headed to Peakingattherightimeopolis, the other heading for Crashandburnsville. OSU has won 7 of their last 8. Missouri has lost 3 of their last 4. Train-wreck-can’t-look-awayedness (1 = Train’s filled with dynamite and a shipment of goose-down pillows, 5 = Train is made by Brio): 4
• Liberty Bowl, December 29: South Carolina v. Houston: We’re taking Kevin Colb and his Houston team here because we figure Spurriers gotta be sooooo pissed that his bowl game isn’t in a town with better weather for golfing this time of year. Wait. Maybe then he wont be out on the golf course the whole time and he will be in the film room preparing to unleash hell. Bad Assedness: (1 = Maximus, 5 = Commodus): 3
• Insight Bowl, December 29: Texas Tech v. Minnesota: One team typically has a passing attack that just works. Plug players into it, and it just seems to work. Another team typically has a rushing attack that just works. Plug players into it, and it just seems to work. We feel the answer to some sort of philosophical question coming on here. Sweetness (1 = Kool Aid, 5 = Moxie): 3
• Champ Sports Bowl, December 29: Maryland v. Purdue: The most boring football program in the world goes to a bowl game. We develop writers block. Can’t think of anything clever to say. My God is Purdue boring. Interest Level (1 = Lots, 5 = None): 5
• Meineke Car Care Bowl, December 30: Navy v. The University of Boston College Technical College: We cannot wait to watch Paul Johnson and the Midshipmen go inside and outside of Fredo. Navy will win, terrorism will lose, children will join hands and sing on high. It shall be glorious. Can’twaitedness (1 = The Premier of Star Wars Episode 1, Before We Know How Lucas Shat All Over Our Childhood, 5 = The Premier of Star Wars Episode 2, After Seeing Episode 1 and realizing Jar Jar Binks is still not dead and Lucas is still writing dialogue): 1
• Alamo Bowl, December 30: Texas v. Iowa: The Double-Take Bowl, as in you take a double take after you realize these 2 teams are playing in this bowl rather than one of the big ones. Also referred to as the “What The Hell Happened To Them? Bowl.” We’re still not clear on whether or not Colt McCoy can feel his finger tips. And we’re also puzzled as to whether or not Iowa ever cleared up that whole “we’re starting a walk-on at tailback” thing from last year. Apparently not. Tingliness (1 = Watching ND run onto the field for the first time your freshman year with Lou Holtz as coach, 5 = Your foot fell asleep and now you’re trying to get the blood back into it): 3
• Chick-fil-a Bowl, December 30: Georgia v. Va Tech: The Double-Take Bowl Part Deux. First take: How the hell did you end up here looking as bad as y’all did? Second take: How the hell did you end up in this bowl after all the expectations? Solid defense and something bound to happen on special teams, right? Right? Watchitforthefunnycowcommercialability (1 = Eat mor chikn, 5 = I’m thinkin’ Arby’s): 2
• MPC Computers Bowl, December 31: Miami v. Nevada: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA. Skip it.
• Outback Bowl, January 1: Tennessee v. Penn State: One coach seems to love to eat. The other coach would tell you he doesn’t love to eat. Because he eats brains. That coach is lying. He loves him some brains. Hey, remember when we though whuppin’ up on Penn State was a quality win? Wait until Cutcliffe gets ahold of these guys after a month of thinkin’ it over. He wont be held back much by Fullmer. It’s the holidays, afterall. There’s turkey to be eaten. Consumability (1 = The Outback Special with a side of Cheese Fries, 5 = Foie Gras): 3
• Cotton Bowl, January 1: Auburn v. Nebraska: This is the first of the “Wait. This isn’t a BCS bowl?” bowls. One coach whines and moans a lot. The other whines and moans a lot and then appologizes for losing games. They don’t need a bowl game, they need an intervention. Still, Nebraska just played for the Big 12 title. It could be a lot of fun watching a Big 12 title contender with that new-fangled West Coast Offense go up against onea’dem tough SEC defenses. Sooowee! TheFabricOfOurLiveliness (1 = New hybrid cotton mixes that breath better and move with you when you make a full swing, 5 = Civil War era wool. On a beach. In Soth Carolina. As you try to take a fort.): 3
• Gator Bowl, January 1: West Virginia v. Georgia Tech: Georgia Tech has about a month to figure out how in the hell it’s gonna manage to create a scenario where Reggie Ball can actually find Calvin Johnson and then actually manage to throw him the damned ball. I’m thinking this is actually one of them trick questions. Bench Reggie. But if you don’t, there’s still a good chance that CJ can get the ball, since West Virginia’s system doesn’t involve defense. Here’s the real question: Can Calvin Johnson outscore the entire West Virginia defense? Here’s another question, has anyone played defense against West Virginai the way John Tenuta’s defense is gonna play? Blitzhappiness (1 = Holy Crap, they just brought 11!, 5 = Rick Minter, 2005): 2
• Capital One Bowl, January 1: Arkansas v. Wisconsin: Team that never played anyone other than Michigan, meet Darren McFadden. Darren McFadden, meet 250 total yards of production. Arkansas, your crime was that you let Florida get into position to actually play for the MNC. Your punishment: Play a team in a bowl that can’t possibly help your reputation, win or lose. McFaddentasticness (1 = McFadden in the Tennessee game, 5 = McFadden in the Florida game): 3
• Rose Bowl, January 1: Michigan v. USC: In a weird way, Michigan has Notre Dame to thank for their position in this BCS bowl season. If they’d not blown ND out of the water, they’d never have been in contention for a berth in the national championship game. And if Notre Dame would have just beat USC, rather than getting blown up again, then this whole debate as to whether or not Michigan was worthy of a BCS title re-game would probably be moot. Ah well, we’ll never know. Schadenfreudiness (1 = The guy who cut you off back at that light just got pulled over while speeding in a school zone, 5 = That guy that just cut you off back at the light just got off with a warning. And that’s your ex in the seat next to him. You think. It’s hard to tell. She keeps laying her head down in his lap.): 1
• Fiesta Bowl, January 1: Boise State v. Oklahoma: The bearded lady exhibit of the BCS. How did this happen? Boise State should have lost to someone. Their zen-master/Jedi Knight coach is working for Colorado now! And Oklahoma? I guess Stoops is the real Jedi Master now! These-are-the-droids-you-are-looking-for-ness (1 = Leia in the bikini (Dude, this is supposed to be about droids.) Shut up! It’s Leia in a bikini!, 5 = Anything from Episodes 1-3): 2
• Orange Bowl, January 2: Louisville v. Wake Forest: A program lead by a man who, strangely, wont move on to a bigger program despite demand versus a program lead by a man who’ll threaten to leave you no matter if another program wants him. Of course they want him! Look at him! He’s beautiful! It’s a moral imperative that Wake win and win big. It’s Karma time for Bobby Petrino. Nonoveratedness (1 = Cindy Crawford. Nobody actually said she could act., 5 = Claudia Schiffer. She married David Copperfield, for Pete’s sake!): 2
• Sugar Bowl, January 3: The University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish v. LSU: Monkeys! Everywhere, monkeys! It’s like a Davey Jones fan convention around here! ND hasn’t won a bowl game since, since, ever! Right? That’s what I heard! And Charlie Weis has never won a big game. That’s also what I’ve heard. And I also heard that Brady Quinn is overrated, and that LSU’s QB, who gets mentioned so much by the draft experts that I suddenly forgot his name will out-play Brady on this night. And then ND will roast in the depths of a giant sloar! Damned Yankees! Hyperboliness (1 = Brent Musberger after a night in Vegas with 3 “lady friends” and a stash of speed, 5 = Urban Myer on Nyquil): 1
• International Bowl, January 6: Cinncinatti vs. Western Michigan: It’s called “International” because, despite what Terry Bradshaw may think, Toronto is not in the United States. Skip it.
• GMAC Bowl, January 7: Ohio v. Southern Miss: We got all excited to see Ed Orgeron coaching a bowl game in January with his shirt off. We figured he’d eventually eat a small animal, like a deer, during a half-time speech or something to really get his team worked up. Then we realized we can’t read so good. It’s “Southern Miss”, not “Ole Miss.” Crap. What the hell is this bowl game doing here in January? Didn’t it used to be in mid December? Who do I need to fire around here to get this straightened out? Crowdgatherability (1 = A guy juggling running chainsaws, 5 = An open forum for the discussion of current events in China held in Peoria): 5
• BCS Championship Game, January 8: Florida v. El Ohio State University: I first thought of this game as a blow-out. No longer. I still think the BCS screwed it up. Again. Florida is not the 2nd best team in the nation. But Urban Meyer’s offensive schemes might just have an element of “so stupid it just might work.” With a defensive backfield with no regard for anyone’s life, including their own, and a head coach with no regard for the health of his own quarterbacks (Hell, he’s got two of ‘em!), Florida may just be able to unleash a Kamikaze attack on The S.S. Sweatervest that sinks their battleship, leaves about 40 Florida Gators watching the light come closer as the field-turf starts to chill, and leaves Urban doing more painfully awkward television spots for far more lucrative clients. ICantLookAwayFromTheCarnageness (1 = Replays of Joe Theisman getting Theismanned, 5 = Tony Kornheiser talking about his fantasty team again): 1

So there you have it. 32 bowl games, about 30 made up words, and 32 severely strained analogies, and 32 ratings. All written in about 14 minutes.

Share This

• Guess the Bowl Game Game!!!
• “Is This Hell?” “No. It’s Idaho.”
• BCS Rankings Are Out, But Why?