DETROIT–Legendary in his own mind former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler became ill while taping a weekly television show about college football.

“Serves him right,” HLS poster Bad Kermit said. “I got f@#$ing ill watching the f@#$ing Michigan-Notre Dame game this year. I hope that whole f@#$ing state gets the f@#$ing flu,” Kermit cursed.

When Kermit was reminded that Schembechler has had two quadruple bypass heart surgeries, Kermit said, “So? I’m surprised that f@#$er even has a heart. F@#$ing tin man. Did he use the palm of his hand to show you how they did the surgeries, like all of the other scumbags from that f@#$ing state do?”

Schembechler was unavailable for comment, as he was still feeling sick, but he was able to describe his symptoms visually.

Take a vein from my leg out of where my thumb is, and attach that to my ring finger, and…

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It’s been a big week for Video Evidence unless you’re a complete, $&#%ing moron and president of a joke of a University, and named Donna Shalala. Then, not so much. For her, it’s just been a big week for making a jackass out of yourself. But hey, how’s that make any difference from any other week, right Donna?

Anyway, here’s the roundup:

• The fellas at BGS give us a quick, clean breakdown of the BCS and how it might doe a bit of a jig in the near future.
• House Rock Build wrote up a tribute to Karls. Notice the trend towards creepy when named Karl?
• IRT helps expose the world to the goodness that is Google + Maps + College Football + Geeks With Lots of Time
• A New Blog has appeared on the blogoshpere. I’ve hardly read any of it, but it’s about sports, and it features the most awesome name in sports blogging. Ever. Except for HLS, of course.
• This isn’t CFB related, but Bad Kermit has another blog, and he’s enfuego. Enfwuego. En. Crap. I don’t speak Spanish. Hey! Where the hell is my wallet?
• The boys of EDSBS are heading to The Bend this weekend for the UCLA game. If you’re tailgating, contact them. Unless you’re an ND MBAer. We don’t need more of that kind of press.

And finally, after further review, there is indisputable video evidence that Donna Shalala is still Satan’s chosen bride:

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The folks at Every Game Counts have brought the world a blog post by Washington Football Head Coach, Philosopher, Poet, and Gentleman Ty Willingham.  The post is so obtuse that the combination of words actually caused a massive internet outage, as nothing so stupid had ever been posted on the web before.  In it, Willingham expresses how importantly he holds a work ethic in the grand scheme of things.  Notre Dame fans and the head pro at the Notre Dame Golf Course ask, “What Work Ethic?”  If one doesn’t have something, can one express how one holds something?  If one never actually coaches football, can one actually be a coach of football?  Questions for the ages.

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Pyongyang - North Korea held a pep rally today in which more than 100,000 people attended. And while the events surrounding the rally have generated a massive amount of hype, many came away from the rally feeling a little dissapointed.

“It was ok,” said student Kim IlIl, “I mean, to get 100,000 people to show up, just for a rally is pretty cool. And I heard they put it on television, so that’s cool too. But we’d all heard that there was gonna be some amazing ’secret guest.’ My friends and I all started to believe that Springsteen was gonna show up, ya know? I mean, we figure the Boss is from Jersey. Kim Jong-il is from Jersey. It just made sense, right? And if not the Boss, then at least Bon Jovi, but instead we got Rudy. Rudy? C’mon, man. He’s gonna be here every weekend. What’s so special about that?”

Meanwhile others who attended seem to think it would be better to stop holding rallys outside and to stop trying to cater to families and tourists.

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New York - Citing a national population of idiots that actually know who this is…

NBC Universal, better known as the network that carries all of Notre Dame’s home football games, has announced massive cutbacks. The cutbacks will include ditching high-cost, hour long dramas that have any real plot in favor of airing “reality television” shows and gameshows that require brain-dead people to use little or no actual strategy to win. Insiders say NBC executives already lament that Tyrone Willingham is no longer associated with NBC, thus killing huge cross-promotion opportunities.

It’s not entirely clear how this could affect the relationship between Notre Dame and NBC. The contract between the two parties lasts thru the 2010 season. Some fear that the cutbacks could lower the quality of Notre Dame telecasts, including showing a guy’s finger pointing toward the “1st down marker” rather than the ubiquitous “1st Down Line” that so many networks now use in the telecast.

Meanwhile, HerLoyalSons.com has developed a plan that will allow NBC to save some pennies, the focus of which involves reducing the amount of powder on Tom Hammond’s face by 75%, saving the company up to $43 million. Further details will be made public soon.

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…Doesn’t Anybody Stay In One Place Anymore?

No. Well, at least not if you’re Sed.

Most of the rest of us, though. Where are we?

Ah. There we are. See? Next to the Totem pole. No. The other one.

	The Hnad Picked Game	The Other Big Game	Who The Hell Cares?	Bonus Points	Week Points	Season Points
Bad Kermit	10	10	10	0	30	240
ChisND	10	10	10	0	30	215
The Biscuit	10	10	10	10	40	225
Dneelan	10	10	10	0	30	195
domer_mq	10	5	15	10	40	170
Sed	20	10	10	10	50	315

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• Correction.
• HLS Experts’ Picks Week 2: Battle of the #1s and #2s.
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EDSBS has factored the ND/UCLA game, and domer.mq can’t remember anything about factors other than this…

Math Man!

domer.mq also can’t remember what this image is from. He just knows it was on PBS a lot when he was in 5th grade and that he’s so pissed he had nothing better to do than watch PBS in 5th grade while all the cool kids played Lazer Tag. He had Lazer Tag, he just didn’t have anyone that wanted to play Lazer Tag with him.

The Cool Kids

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The Dartmouth athletic department apologized for the fight that broke out between the Dartmouth Big Green and the Holy Cross Crusader football teams last Saturday. When told about the incident, college football fans everywhere asked several questions, in some variation of the following order: “Brawl? You mean Miami? What? Dartmouth? What brawl? Holy Cross? Are you serious?”

After Holy Cross won the game in overtime, several of its players celebrated the victory on the “D” painted on the field, which is believed to either stand for “Dartmouth” or “Dumbest Mascot Ever.” Sadly, Johnelle Smith was unavailable to demonstrate to the Dartmouth coaching staff how to effectively guard the approximate center of a football field.

The incident touched off rampant studying on Dartmouth’s campus, including several random acts of stimulating conversation. No arrests were made on campus, but several theorems were developed.

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• John L. Smith on MSU’s Loss to Illinois: Seriously, Weis Wasn’t Even in the Replay…
• Donna Shalalalalalalalalalalala Has Found Her Home at Miami
• Coker Going Out In A Blaze Of Glory

Are we actually playing Miami this week?  Maybe.  It seems that, whoever we’re playing this week, they’re quite possibly liars.  Still, they aren’t bold-faced liars on the scale of Miami, so we’ll let it slide.  It probably wasn’t a lie anyway so much as misinformation being spread by the coaching staff to ensure that the Notre Dame fans show up on Saturday prepared to be as quiet as possible. Crafty.  Like a fox.  Hey Karl Dorrel, if that coaching thing doesn’t work out for you, we know some people who might want to talk to you.

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Yesterday Charlie confirmed what everyone probably already knew anyway: A few NFL teams contacted him this past week. And apparently it was about more than just how to defeat the Tampa 2 Defense. There’s no official word on which teams those might be, but I’d bet they’re among a pool of teams that rhyme with…

• The James Spaders
• The I Pulled Off My Dead Skins
• The FCC Compliants
• The Packers

Anyway, yeah, they contacted him, and he said…

“Everyone knows I’m staying here until they fire me or I die,” he said. “I’m here for life. That’s what I said I was going to do. So why would I not be a man of my word?”

So…

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A Public Service Announcement:

People, please leave Charlie Weis alone.  Why do you feel the need to drive by his house and take photos?  Is it the first house you’ve ever seen?  Yes, I’m sure it’s quite grand, but stop, please.

Driving by the homes of famous people and taking pictures is creepy.  Creepy like being older than 12 and bringing your glove to a baseball game and then waiting outside of Wrigley to get it signed by the players leaving the players’ parking lot.  Do you really want to be associated with the word “creepy?”

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The inch of makeup hides her rotted soul.

Ok, last time we mention this whole Miami thing for a while.

Ok, so that was a lie. Donna Shalala would appreciate that, as she is both the president of the University of Miami (and we use the term “University” lightly here) and a liar.

This morning on Mike and Mike In The Morning, a talk radio show on ESPN Radio, Donna Shalala said, in reference to the investigation that the University mounted over this controversey, “We looked at the film frame-by-frame.” Now, I’m more paraphrasing than quoting, so take that as you will, but she definitely said “we.” However, yesterday, during her “the buck stops here” press conference to explain that (despite a greater level of national outcry to further the punishment of those involved in Saturday’s brawl than anyone’s ever seen over all that nasty, uneasy stuff in Darfur) there would be no further punishment of anyone involved, Donna said that she didn’t look at any tape of the brawl because, gosh darn, that might make her “madder.”

Donna, you ignorant slut, you yourself are the biggest embarassment ever leveled upon the University of Miami, and that’s really saying something.

Anyway, Mike and Mike picked up on this and called the University back after the interview to verify, during which phone call it was explained that “we” wasn’t intended to convey “me” or “I”. Mike and Mike were too good to go down the path of calling Donna a liar, but I’m quite happy to do so. She is a liar, because even if she didn’t mean “me” when she said “we,” she most certainly said the buck stops with her, and if she hasn’t actually watched any tape of the brawl, then she’s lying. The buck doesn’t stop with her. She’s simply a figurehead. Meanwhile whoever did watch the tape, if, in fact, anyone actually has down at the University of Miami, is actually calling the shots. I had a suspicion that person’s name rhymes with “Larry Coker,” and I have a suspicion that it’s just about the only shot he calls these days, as clearly the inmates run the assylum.

Donna Shalala has found her true home at the University of Miami, an institution that prides itself on appearing to be out of control. An institution where no prominent alumni have come out to speak out against these actions, or certainly not loudly enough for anyone to hear them. An institution where she can lie, lie, and then lie some more, and most people there will simply nod and smile.

Congratulations, Donna, few people ever really find their home.

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Washington D.C. - President of the United States, George W. Bush has announced that the “Axis of Evil” formerly made up of Iraq, Iran, and North Korea now consists of Iran, North Korea, and The Institution Formerly Knowns As The University Of Miami.

The designation as a part of the Axis of Evil and the assignment of a new name for the former Universitiy was made by the Administration in response to The Institution Formerly Known As The University Of Miami’s announcement that the 1-game suspensions given to players who participated in the brawl between FIU and Miami have been deemed appropriate by the Former University’s President and no further punishements will be executed.

President Bush has said he finds this announcement “deeply troubling” and that “only the most heinous and evil sorts of leaders would find this acceptable.”

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GLENDALE, Ariz.–While Bears fans Monday night might have been disappointed that they did not see the abrupt end of Matt Leinart’s career, they were certainly delighted to see the Bears escape University of Phoenix stadium with a win and 12 credits toward their M.S. in Nursing and Health Care Administration.

Some questionable playcalling by the Cardinals allowed the undefeated Bears to overcome a 23-3 third-quarter deficit and beat the Cardinals 24-23.

After the game, Cardinal coach Dennis Green talked about the loss, his team’s second in a row after leading both games 14-0 in the first quarter.

When asked after the press conference what Green meant, he said, “I mean we knew what they were going in!  Undefeated!  And we still know!  Crown that!”

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According to the OC Register (still hunting for link), the starting QB for UCLA cannot speak. Which means he cannot call the cadence, let alone call any audibles in a loud stadium.

Pat Cowan is likely to start Saturday at Notre Dame, but there are concerns about his ability to communicate. There are also answers to questions about strategy and play-calling from the fourth quarter of UCLA’s loss at Oregon.

Cowan, the Bruins quarterback, took a shot to the throat in the second half. As the game wore on, he lost his voice, making it difficult to communicate changes in protection or check out of plays.

“We weren’t doing some two-minute stuff at the end because of the communication, even though most of it is (hand) signal. It’s hard to do changes of protection and audibles and things if you can’t communicate those things,” Coach Karl Dorrell said.

…

The Bruins could install hand signals for the game, have the receivers who shuttle in the play calls recite plays in the huddle or find other means for Cowan to communicate with the line and backs and receivers. “Now that we’re at this point and in this week of practice, we’re going to have to find a means of communication for him,” Dorrell said.

Of course, Notre Dame Stadium not exactly living up a any “House of Pain” type levels of hype, indeed, nobody’s ever even called it the house of pain, I’m not exactly sure this hurts UCLA’s chances in Saturday’s game. Heck, the general population of any given Notre Dame home game will probably just resort to golf clapping and hushed whispers. No sense in risking the much ballyhooed reputation of our fanbase in order to help the Fighting Irish win a game at home! Certainly not! Now where is my cognac and what did I do with those opera glasses?

I wont be in attendance for the UCLA game, but if that stadium isn’t rocking, I’m gonna get the name of everyone that is in attendance and deal with the issue myself. Do not underestimate the power that HLS now wields!

You’re All On Notice!

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• Guilty!