The Dartmouth athletic department apologized for the fight that broke out between the Dartmouth Big Green and the Holy Cross Crusader football teams last Saturday. When told about the incident, college football fans everywhere asked several questions, in some variation of the following order: “Brawl? You mean Miami? What? Dartmouth? What brawl? Holy Cross? Are you serious?”

After Holy Cross won the game in overtime, several of its players celebrated the victory on the “D” painted on the field, which is believed to either stand for “Dartmouth” or “Dumbest Mascot Ever.” Sadly, Johnelle Smith was unavailable to demonstrate to the Dartmouth coaching staff how to effectively guard the approximate center of a football field.

The incident touched off rampant studying on Dartmouth’s campus, including several random acts of stimulating conversation. No arrests were made on campus, but several theorems were developed.

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