Shady Pines Rehab Clinic - Both having long histories of bizarre and sometimes subhuman behavior, Stanford and John. L. Smith. are considering making public, tearful appologies, thanking their friends, loved ones, and God for standing by them in their time of need, and then checking themselves into rehab for non-specific “addictions” which can then be blamed for their transgressions. Insiders report that both the Stanford Band and John. L. Smith. appear to be addicted to “acting like jackasses.”

This move by the Stanford Band and Smith would be the latest in a series of such events in which a high-profile public figure acts like a jackass, or, in more severe cases, a sub-human, gets caught, and manages to earn the forgiveness of the general, sheepish public by pursuing recovery from some devilish, ambiguous addiction. The latest such event involed Representative Mark Foley (R - FL) and some 17 year old kids. This is widely considered the first step in securing a book deal documenting the trials and tribulations one must go thru in order to find themselves and begin actind like normal people until everyone stops watching them. Experts wonder aloud how an entire college band and its alumni will be able to write an autobiographical piece detailing all of their missteps in life without the word count creeping up to encyclopedic levels. Some have suggested that the band may be better off creating a website to document their miscues, in a way creating a living work that will evolve as each individual Stanford Band jackass has an opportunity to contribute. This would also help readers link key terms together via the power of the web like “Cardinal” and “tool.”

Meanwhile, the book deal for John. L. Smith. looks to be imminent so long as he can ensure that his Michigan State University football squad continues to hurtle down the slip-n-slide of life. Press conference antics may be good enough for a weekend blurb in the papers, but to build lasting book sales, Smith will have to really apply himself. We tried to reach Smith to gain insight into his plans for the future, but he would only respond with “Weis never got slapped!” to any questions we asked. Rest assured, his book deal future looks bright.

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