Sure, the headline could apply to our miracle come-from-behind-oh-my-God-does-John-Elsmith-suck-at-coaching-look-at-him-cry! win at MSU, but actually, there’s bigger news this week…

Huge news, in fact. Every week, it seems more and more likely that I can once again watch ESPN without going into some spastic fit induced by moron talking-heads, the overkill of onomatopoeia in play-by-play, and columnists with less actual sports knowledge than my dog posing as “sports journalists.”

Jason Whitlock has been fired from ESPN. ALL of ESPN.

I’d link to the story that explains what happened, but the one I found is by the Majority Share-Holder of Hostess himself, and I don’t wish to give him a link, so feel free to google it if you don’t believe me.

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EAST LANSING—Michigan State Spartan football coach John L. Smith snarled as he forced the media to watch the play for the twenty third time before his Monday press conference. “You see? You see? No one slaps Weis! No one! No one is even close!” Smith sprang from his chair excitedly, “His head moves back and to the left! Back and to the left! Back and to the left! My players are all right-handed!”

The play which riled up the diminutive Smith occurred last Saturday in the Spartans’ loss to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. The officials called a questionable late hit on Spartan quarterback Drew Stanton as he was heading toward the sidelines in front of the Notre Dame bench. The hit sparked a physical altercation between several of the Spartan players and the Irish players. During the melee, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis was struck in the face by one of the players, and Weis informed the officials that he had been hit.

After the game, Weis clarified that he was not accusing the Spartan players of hitting him, and even suggested that the blow may have been “friendly fire.” But Weis’s words did not stop the ravings of the madman.

“He’s a liar!” Smith bellowed at the media, two days after the game and one day after Weis made it very clear that he was unsure whether it was a Spartan or an Irish player who hit him. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! The ‘hit’ could have been a gust of wind or a piece of shrapnel! Who’s to say it wasn’t a ghost? It could have been a ghost! The ghost of Ara Parseghian!” Smith frothed. When Smith was informed that Parseghian was still, in fact, alive, he had no comment.

The last thing that Smith said before leaving the podium for his Monday press conference was, “That Charlie Weis is a liar! I’m glad Lucy always pulled the ball away from him before he could kick it!”

After Smith’s press conference, a persistent reporter from HLS caught up with Smith in the parking lot as he donned a flowing purple robe and whispered incantations to a small rock containing ancient runic markings. When Smith was questioned about his actions, he traced a large circle around himself in the parking lot pavement with the rune. Smith then sat cross-legged in the center of the circle, muttering.

Smith finally explained to HLS, “I don’t want Weis coming after me, so I learned this trick from Aradia,” Smith said, smearing pig blood on his face. “Weis won’t be able to touch me when I’m in here.”

When informed of Smith’s spell, Weis said, “Wait. He did what now?”

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Just like John L. Smith and the classy guys that stood at the 50 yard-line protecting the little “S” (including the midget), MSU fans and townies are classy.

Arrests at this year’s game were up 35%, with 131 total. And that doesn’t include tickets issued for things like disorderly conduct.

We should get these folks together with the OSU fans that burn shite after a win. They would have a grand old time. Oh wait, that happens in the not-too-distant future. For all those that live in East Lansing and aren’t insane?

I’d say get the F out of Dodge.

Here’s the link to the story: http://www.statenews.com/article.phtml?pk=37773

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I used to have a developer working for me.  There were 2 levels of good for this guy:  “Awesome,” and “The Awesome.”

This video is “The Awesome.”

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I sure wish I could hear the words Charlie yelled at our boys here in the final series of the game:

Hopefully the truth will be revealed in today’s press conference. Any reader ideas of what was said?…my vote goes for:

“REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 17th OF SEPTEMBER!“

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• Dog Kicked, Dead. Wall Getting Nervous.
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At some point last night, greatest ESPN personality ever Kirk Herbstreit said, “That’s why they are Michigan State.”

Well, this is why they’re Michigan State and our guys are Notre Dame…

East Lansing radio reporters stated that, immediately following the game, John Elsmith had 3-4 players protect that national icon of all that is good about life, the Michigan State “S.”

But wait!  Where were the Notre Dame football players? Why aren’t they confronting these men of honor? Where could they be?  Searching for a suitable flag to plant upon said “S?”  No.  They were too busy celebrating the win with their fans, singing the Alma Mater.

I’d been dying for an absolute slaughter of Michigan State all week.  And when John Elsmith mentioned that his only problem with the “flag planting” incident was that they missed the 50 yard line, I was hoping the sky would open up and God himself would zap, not kill, but zap him.

And as the game progressed, and it looked more and more unlikely that we’d not have our vengeance and that the ND players had not come to East Lansing to provide a righteous and biblical beat down of Sparty, I was truly disappointed.  Where was our revenge?  Where was our justice?

But then, in the form of 19 unanswered points in the 4th quarter, lighting did strike. And fury did beat down upon the hearts and minds of the Spartans.  And it was beautiful.  When all hope for ND was lost, that’s when that bitch, Karma, snapped up and bit Sparty in the ass.  Revenge truly is a dish best served cold.

Hey MSU, you stay classy.  And try not to have your annual melt-down.  We’d like a “quality win” here.

Oh, and one other thing, keep the megaphone.  If we keep having these “rivalry trophies” for every 2-bit team, then it’ll just diminish the importance of our one true rivalry.  Keep the megaphone as a nice souvenir.  You know, like a commemorative spoon from that trip you took to Myrtle Beach that year.  Wasn’t that a nice time?

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So it appears the celebrations have begun on campus. A student posting live on NDNation had this to say about the scene:

“Since the Notre Dame football team couldn’t be on campus for the events that transpired right after the game, I felt it was my duty to record and duly report them.

As the final seconds on the clock wound down, screams pierced the campus. People poured forth from their dorms, and onto the main quads. Chants of “We are ND” and “Here Come the Irish” filled the air. In some instances, students were reduced to shouting and screaming incoherent audibles at the top of their lungs. Many rushed Stone Henge and plunged into it to celebrate the big Irish comeback, forcing NDSP to fish many students filled with the Irish Spirit out of the fountain. No doubt celebrations will continue long into the night. The Campus is Alive.

Thank you to the ND football team for making this comeback possible. Thank you to the ND football team for showing everyone that you have the stones to go out to someone else’s house and overcome a 16-point deficit going into the 4th quarter. Nothing could have been more fitting on this, the 40th anniversary of the Game of the Century.”

Enjoy the win kids…just don’t start South Bend on fire.

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It was raining…there was fighting…and I’m pretty sure I had a slight heart attack…but you know what…THAT WIN FEELS DAME GOOD (props to ESPN for the tagline). Good night to all….more in the morning.

Thanks ESPN…now fire Mark May

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Here’s what I’ve learned today from the advertising on college football broadcasts…

• Cadillac: It’s cool to be old.
• Dr. Pepper: Can you really live in a world where you’re fatter than Mike Golic?
• GM: We’re finally building those flying cars from Back to the Future 2.
• Desperate Housewives: Being slutty is fun!
• Apple: Even we can’t take the stupid out of glowsticks.
• Hummers: Make you look fat.
• Ruby Tuesday’s: Uh, yeah. You’re sure to love that all-you-can-eat salad with your burgers. Yeah. That’s it.
• John Saunders: I’m a no-talent half-wit with a stick so far up my ass for so long it’s practically driftwood. I should be pelted with empties. In hell, they call me “Master.”

That’s all for now. We’ll update as we learn more thru the day.

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• USA Loses To Greece in Basketball World Chamionships, er, World Basketball Championships. Um, I mean FIBA… Whatever.
• The New Clock Rules Shorten Games and Lengthen Ads? Duh.
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I wont try to be funny with this post. It may upset Harvard’s Head Coach.

So does Keegan Toci apparently..

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And he seems to have issues with Notre Dame’s karma.  He’s picked MSU over ND and Washington over UCLA.  The only way the weekend could end in a more “kick in the teeth” way for the Irish is if Michigan were to lose to Wisconsin.  Fear not.

When SMQ picked Notre Dame No. 1, he was projecting some improvement from the veteran defense and a steady if unspectacular running game, for neither of which there has been much evidence to date. Lines on both sides are shaky. Presumably Quinn and Co. will be able to throw and score, but the Irish defense now is in about the same place as Michigan State’s - that is, very, very average, susceptible to any competent attempts at running and passing, and not adept at pass rushing from standard sets without exposing vulnerability to big plays - and in that case, SMQ is not going to pick against the more explosive offense at home. Not valid where field goals are involved.
MICHIGAN STATE 35, NOTRE DAME 31

SMQ is anything but psychic.  Still, he’s clearly one of the best NCAA football bloggers out there.  Throw in a dash of self-awareness schtick and it’s beautiful.

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Time to check out what our opponents are up to these days…

Georgia Tech - (3-1, ND Result: Lost 17-14): GT has bounced back from what had to be a pretty emotionally draining loss to ND to start the season. But then, against the schedule they’ve faced since the ND game, anything less would be criminal. Still, they did essentially blow out Virginia this past Thursday while they were the only game in town on National Cable Television. Still, a lot of pundits are screaming for Chan Gailley to implement a new rule: Get Calivin Johnson the damned ball! (He only had 6 catches FOR 165 YARDS.)

Penn State - (2-1, ND Result: Lost 41-17): PSU licked its wounds from the Notre Dame blowout by waxing Youngstown State by a margin of 34 points. That gave the Nits time to heal a bit and tune up for a huge opportunity (for glory or embarassment?) in tomorrow’s tilt with #1 Ohio State at the Horseshoe. More than likely, all the brains in the world wont help PSU win this one.

Michigan - (3-0, ND Result: Won 47-21): Michigan’s looking to fend off the ole’ letdown game against unranked Wisconsin back home in the Big House while trying to figure out who’s really going to win the Heisman this year (Hart, Manningham, Henne?). Wisconsin averages some 200 yards rushing per game, and Michigan is #1 against the run (thanks, no doubt, to ND’s abysmal performance last week). Something’s gotta give.

MSU - (3-0): MSU prepares to show the world that they’re legit and they wont fall apart midseason. Again. Up to this point, they’ve not really been tested by their 3 2006 opponents: Idaho, Eastern Michigan, Pitt. They looked very good against Pitt once they realized that The Stache had no idea that Drew Stanton can run and check to the option. (Made a comeback from 10-0 to knoc out The Stache 38-23).

Purdue - (3-0): The Boilermakers have started off hot this season, knocking out powerhouses Indiana State (where is this?), Miami (OH), and Ball State. What might be a little disconcerting to Those Who Would Bang Obnoxiously Large Drum All Day (Purdue’s Tribal Name) is that they didn’t exactly blow out their last 2 opponents (Miami 38-31 and Ball State 38-28). But then, those games may not have actually been that close. I dunno, it’s hard to find their games on television way up here in Chicago.

Standford - (0-3): He of the leather jackets and tinted shades hasn’t exactly returned Stanford to whatever past glories Stanford might have once had. They’ve been blown out by Oregon and Navy! and lost a close one to San Jose State. I’m sure that if the Stanford alums ever bother to show up in their new-hotness stadium, they might notice the performance of this “team” and start placing the hotseat under Shady McLeathercoat.

UCLA - (2-0): The Bruins may be winning, but they aren’t exactly looking like a juggernaut either with wins against teams they should be beating (Utah and Rice). They had a bye week last week, so they’ve had a full 2 weeks to prepare for the nuance and brilliance of Ty Willingham’s Washington offense and defense. Surely Karl Dorrell, head coach of UCLA, sleeps better having had all that extra time in the film room.

Navy - (3-0): Coach Paul Johnson continues to impress as he’s lead his team to a nice start to the 2006 season. Still, some shaky QB play by his starter lead him to bring in backup QB and toughest NCAA D-1 Name KaipoNoa Kaheaku-Enhada to win a nail-biter against UMass. Being a good coach, he used that experience to prep the team to annihilate Stanford the next week. Domers, mark your calendar. If this keeps up, we might have a Daviehamesque experience in the next Notre Dame/Navy match.

UNC - (1-2): Looking to upset last week’s giant-slaying Clemson this week, UNC hasn’t exactly set the world on fire with their performance in 2006. There’d probably be a lot of grumblings from UNC alum if A) They cared about anything other than Basketball and B) You could hear those grumblings over the screams of rage from NCSt fans.

Air Force - (0-1): With possibly the stragest schedule in the country (they haven’t played since September 9th), the Cadets prep to play Wyoming after giving Tennessee the scare of their lives a couple weeks ago. Not really enough data to get a feel for where they are this season, but they seem to be creating their own off-field drama to keep the beat-writers busy.

Army - (1-2): Having to prep for a game against Baylor this weekend had to be a little tough considering they should have won their game last week against Texas A&M. Already their coach is showing some improvement in the program itself, but some really strange playcalling when opportunity knocks (Don’t start throwing the rock when you’ve been able to run and run and run some more on a D!).

USC - (2-0): Reload! Reload! Reload! A Hershey’s Bar to any reader that can tell me which video game the USC program is reminding me of this year. Sure, they don’t have the terrible trio of Tiny Dancer, Push, and Stay-Pufft this year, but I’m not sure their 2 previous opponents had a chance to realize it as J.D. “Shake Ya” Booty and the rest of the USC gang has pretty much picked up right where they left off (um, before Vince Young and Texas made them look silly). Apparently that whole investigation doesn’t really bother Pete, Booty, or Snoop. If ND can beat MSU tomorrow and USC can beat out what, to me, looks like a weak Pac-10 schedule, then the ND/USC game could be for a whole lotta marbles.

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• Bogies On The Radar
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We’re back baby! The confidence is up! The boyrs are ready! Here we go!
Whappow! Ya know what the ladies like? The ladies like this!

Whappow!

The ladies also like when we make great picks.

More…

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• Correction.
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COLUMBUS, OHIO—It has been more than four days since former Ohio State running back and future ESPN studio analyst Maurice Clarett pled guilty to aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon, the punishment for which will be at least three and a half years in prison. Yet at the internet site, Her Loyal Sons, which covers college football from a Notre Dame viewpoint, not a single article about Clarett could be found.

Model citizen Maurice Clarett shows off his new uniform.

“Well, I heard this story about a panda, and it was a hilarious drunk story, so I went with that instead of the Clarett thing,” HLS contributor Bad Kermit said. “Get drunk and try to hug a panda versus get drunk and threaten to cap a guy in the face with his choice of one of four guns. Actually, I guess both stories are pretty good,” Kermit said.

HLS contributor DomerMQ was still delirious after the Notre Dame Fighting Irish’s Saturday loss to the Michigan Wolverines. When DomerMQ caught up to himself for comment, he said, “But…they suck. They suck so much. How-? They suck.”

The Biscuit, another HLS contributor, did not have time to do a write-up on the Clarett story because he was too busy trying to purchase the screenplay rights to the story. “I’m going to call it, ‘The Maurice Clarett Story,’” Biscuit said.

ChisND was off on an investigative report, desperately trying to find out whether longtime Notre Dame supporter Marco was, in fact, a closet Michigan fan.

In order to remedy this situation, HLS offers the following joke:

Maurice Clarett is sitting in English 101 at the Ohio State University. His professor asks him, “Maurice, what comes after a sentence?” Maurice replies, “An appeal.”

For the record, the correct answer is, “Sodomy.” Enjoy prison, Maurice.

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• If You Watch This, And You Still Don’t Get It…
• The Cardinal: Our Band is a Bunch of @$$’s
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So over the past week we have heard much about MSU’s storied football tradition, but did you know MSU is not just a football school? Students have many enriching activities from which to choose:

Exhibit A: Dodgeball Team

PWANGE!!

Exhibit B: Paintball Team

WARNING - watching paintball is as exciting as watching paint dry.

Exhibit C: Glass Breaking Team

I’m sure potential employers will love this one.

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