HELL--The Devil, tired of dealing with "a bunch of jerks," refused entrance to his Dark Kingdom to controversial Cowboys' wide receiver Terrell Owens. "No way. F@#$ that guy," the Devil said after Owens tried to kill himself Tuesday night by overdosing on painkillers. "He's so full of himself! God, what a douche," the Devil said, while feasting on the entrails of a serial rapist.
Any takers down there? No?
Owens, afraid that the spotlight had shifted slightly off center from his gleaming teeth, took five painkiller pills Tuesday night, hiding the rest unmarked in his sock drawer. Owens also insured that he had a friend within groaning distance of his suicide attempt, causing experts to speculate that Owens's "suicide" attempt was actually a cry for help.
The Devil quickly dispelled those rumors. "Oh, no. We just didn't want that c@#$smoker down here," the Devil said, causing one reporter's eyes to turn to jelly in his presence. "Me, Hitler, Ivan, Stalin, and Genghis have our own little thing going on down here. We don't need that showboating @$$hole messing up our dynamic," the Devil said, his words turning the afternoon sky black and causing fountains to run red with blood. "Plus, his contract is ridiculous," the Devil quipped, as the earth split, swallowing whole a nearby church.
By ChisND September 28, 2006 - 10:27 am
holy crap is that pic scary…bad dreams for a week now.
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By Bad Kermit September 28, 2006 - 11:03 am
T.O. is angry that T.O. can’t talk.
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By The Biscuit September 28, 2006 - 2:18 pm
the best part is how the article comes from HELL.
awesome
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By ChisND September 28, 2006 - 3:17 pm
Yeah Bad Kermit…how did you get press time with Satan?? “Our Mother” does not approve. You better go light some candles and pray for your soul.
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By Bad Kermit September 28, 2006 - 3:55 pm
Let’s just say he’s a friend of a friend. And a friend of the Devil is a friend of mine.
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By Her Loyal Sons » T.O. Writes Children’s Book…Paris Hilton Opens Daycare October 6, 2006 - 8:12 am
[...] HLS has uncovered the real reason behind Terrell Owen’s recent suicide attempt…to promote his new children’s book of course. Yes, you read that right, child role-model Terrell Owens is writing a children’s book titled Little T Learns To Share. Soon to be bankrupt publiser, BenBella Books, had this to say about the project: “The book uses adorable illustrations and rhyming text to show one boy learning to share his new football with friends” as a means of “sharing with children the lessons he didn’t learn as a child (and has had to painfully acquire as an adult).” [...]
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