Ann Arbor, Michigan - After defeating the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame soundly in yesterday’s game at Notre Dame stadium, most of Michigan expected to awake today to headlines heralding all that was great about Michigan.  Instead, they found quite the opposite.

Jerry Ben, chief scientist of the Institute of Sucking in Ann Arbor, Michigan explains, “Apparently, the level of suckitude with which Michigan is associated is actually inherent to Michigan itself.  To try to extract the suckitude from Michigan would be like trying to extract all the matter in the universe.  Without all that matter, what do you have?  Nothing.  Without all that suckage, what do you have in Michigan?  Nothing.  Essentially, you can’t have Michigan without all the sucking.”

Jim Slim, a resident of South Bend, Indiana puts it a little more succinctly, “You can take the Michigan out of sucking, but you can’t take the sucking out of Michigan.”

All of the best minds in Michigan began to research the sudden lack of change in Michigan’s stature as soon as the game clock for the Notre Dame/Michigan game expired.  The entire citizenry of Michigan had expected an overwhelming feeling of joy because beating Notre Dame was supposed to signal an end to Michigan’s sucking.  Apparently the universe had other plans.

Also problematic to Michigan’s cause was that all of Michigan’s best minds could not figure out how to start any computers, so they over-nighted their data to the pentagon.   The military’s best minds, believing that Michigan’s suckiness is inherent to national security, immediately ran the numbers in thousands of permutations.  General Raw of the U.S. Army speaks of what they found, “It was amazing.  We watched the W.H.O.P.P.E.R. go thru millions of scenarios, and there was just not a single one in which Michigan did not suck.  Ultimately, if you have an entire state that sucks, you’ve got Michigan.”

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